Very vulnerable and feel afraid. False allegations against me.

[Ash]

She isn’t going to be amicable and reasonable. She has an agenda to keep the house and the kids. That is what it’s all about - if she makes enough allegations she can hope to stop you getting a child arrangements order. When you get clear in your mind you will see it is all strategy to subvert the legal process. It’s not about being done for the allegations. Hopefully the case will be closed with no further action in time - after the bail ends. But until that case is closed you can’t get a child arrangements order. The courts won’t order anything until the case is closed by the police.

So you can see the strategy - it causes very long delays and in the meantime you can’t see your kids - unless she agrees.

I’d urge you to try and get some counselling as support through this period. A GP can refer you so it doesn’t have to cost. If you say you’ll accept a cancellation it’s likely to be quicker.

It’ll also help you think pragmatically during this emotional and confusing time. Whether she goes ahead with sn occupation order or not, unfortunately you can’t go back to the house again or you’ll just get arrested again.

I think letters from your solicitor might be making things worse frankly - although I haven’t seen them.

I think you need to focus on four things right now

1) Get some counselling support
2) Look after yourself because your kids need you and something will get sortrdc but it may take time. Reach out to friends and explain you might need some support or a place to stay. Ask your current friend if you can stay until you can get something sorted - maybe a couple of months.
3) Submit a C100 for child arrangements- don’t delay. We can help with the application wording and just writing that can help you feel more confident.
4) Do some practical things to protect yourself. Change all your passwords. Think about bank accounts and whether or not you can remortgage to interest only to reduce the mortgage payments so you could at least afford a room in a shared house for now.

This isn’t about you - it is what some women do when they’ve decided they want a divorce - she is looking out for herself and sadly you need to as well. By making allegations she is making herself the protective parent who keeps the kids.

You will get there. But it’s one step at a time. Along the way you will start to feel better. If you feel depressed or suicidal - see the GP for antidepressants and you can call the Samaritans any time. There is also usually someone around on here.

 

[Ash]

And don’t try to contact your wife at all. Otherwise she could take out a non molestation order and that will make it a lot harder to get a child arrangements order as well and cause even more delays. Get your C100 in asap before anything else happens. I can help you with the wording and there are guides on here to completing the form. The form is quite straightforward but the e are riding for section 5b needs to be carefully worded with the right tone.

If you do need to communicate you could ask a third party to do it maybe. You could use your solicitor but that is going to keep running up bills.

 

[MountainGoat]

Really sorry to hear this buddy, what you are going through is not right, and it's the same for all of us on here, the way things are at the moment with family court, means it's the slowest process on earth!! Which is incredibly hard when you are on the receiving end of such horrible allegations, as well as not seeing your own children, and the rest of it.

Hopefully the police will see all your own evidence on the phone and act quickly to NFA it


Isn't this just passionately kissing someone? My goodness no one's going to be able to touch each other soon in fear of being called coercive, controlling, harassment or aggressive! The police won't take notice of things like that anyway. It's just ridiculous how anyone can say anything about someone and get them arrested.

You've got to continue to be as patient, calm as possible. And look after yourself, for your kids sake. The future is full of positivity mate, it's just time, but it is coming. When you're going through it, it feels like it's forever, but it absolutely isn't.

Thankyou. There is something so wrong in this country with the law and how it seems that no thought is given to the bond children need with their dads.
I've always been someone to believe in working at things so when relationships or family life gets tough you don't give up, you try your hardest.
Now it seems the buzz word is throwing allegations, domestic abuse, and being able to just make all sorts of threats so easily it is scary.

I guess I'm worried as the police will see tonnes of photos and CCTV footage on my phone and the fact I took lots of photos of letters, documents and things she'd written down.
Could they use that against me? I was merely trying to find evidence to prove my innocence and find out why she was denying me access to the children. I even found her draft non occupation order so have photos of all of that. She accused me of using the house CCTV against her and I told her she has access to it in the same way I have. She accused me of changing her email passwords so I took screenshots to show her that her computer had all the original passwords and I hadnt changed them.

The fact shes made so many allegations and has changing stories will hopefully show I have nothing to hide and am merely trying to cover myself and prove my innocence.

You are absolutely right about the kissing thing. We are married and displaying affection is not something you would find abnormal. Pulling someone in for a kiss is perfectly normal. But the way she's descrbing things it's like I'm full on about to rape her! And I can 100% say I would never and have never done that.
Yes, we've had a break from intimacy and when she said she wanted some time out there are messages between us where I did question the fact that we are married, we have feelings, and it is normal to want to show those feelings. I did question whether she did love me as being married and in love to me meant the full package, including intimacy.
I felt it important raising these issues when we were texting about what we both want and our plans for the future, and I felt it important to know whether I should touch her or not, or how I should be around her. I felt it important we were on the same page.
I was merely saying intimacy is important for a healthy relationship and we should show that.
I then did say to her I understand that if she needs time then that is fine. I guess it may have been more a guy thing and forgetting that women can feel like they need to feel more emotionally connected, but I eventually said if she needs time then I'l give her time and that a cuddle and kiss in the morning is fine. We dont have to go the whole way.
In fact I said there is no pressure.
This is being turned round by her to see me as pestering her for intimacy, when in fact it was to know where we stood and so we can be more comfortable.

I am trying to be patient, but each time I'm taking the kids back home, it feels hugely sad and I find that so hard when my kids just want to spend time with me. I wake up each morning from a dream and reality kicks in. I'm trying to keep going for the kids but it's hard.

Thankyou so much for your ongoing help. It means a lot.

 

[MountainGoat]

I find it scary that someone can be arrested on someone's whim.
It's a real kick in the teeth to genuine abuse victims.
I'm sorry you're going through this dreadful stuff.

Thanks Peanut 21.
It is scary that we are pushed aside when it is us the real victims here.
And so many services seem to be biased and side with the mother. My kids social worker has her eyes closed to anything I tell her about what my wife does. It is so one sided!

 

[Ash]

The trouble is, if a woman claims domestic abuse, they have to take it seriously and investigate. So it doesn't mean they think you're guilty. But it's a way of delaying court progress for children if a woman has claimed DA and you can't move forwards until they've closed the investigation.

 

[MountainGoat]

And don’t try to contact your wife at all. Otherwise she could take out a non molestation order and that will make it a lot harder to get a child arrangements order as well and cause even more delays. Get your C100 in asap before anything else happens. I can help you with the wording and there are guides on here to completing the form. The form is quite straightforward but the e are riding for section 5b needs to be carefully worded with the right tone.

If you do need to communicate you could ask a third party to do it maybe. You could use your solicitor but that is going to keep running up bills.

At the moment the bail conditions seem to completely forget about the kids.
How am I meant to pick up and drop the kids off if I can't come near the house and it's dark outside. I'm not going to drop an eight year old three streets away.
Due to the fact I can't contact her via any way including via a third party, I have kept a screen shot where she has agreed with a family member to be the middle person between us. Otherwise I do not know how on earth I could arrange seeing the children. I'm certainly not going via the solicitor who as you mention would cost me crazy amounts.
Yes, it is important to get a system in place but that can change all the time. One week she has something on which then means the regular weekend I would have them it is now her having them or the other way round. We would be spending crazy money going back and forth with the solictors.

For the moment I am trying to get my solictor to say that I see them from Friday to Sunday.
The problem currently is if she gets a letter she doesnt like or sees a fb post she disagrees with, she will kick off and say I can't see the children.

Two days ago she got her dad to text me saying I owed her some money for the shed in the back garden that we had installed earlier this year. It was the final installment.
I'm not meant to be contacting her so I do not see why I should be sending her money and risking the police seeing that I've sent her money. Would you guys agree on that or not?

I just want to see my kids and not have to take them out the house all the time. What would be the best thing I could prepare to tackle the house issue?
It is very unfair for her to think I was waking up in my home one day and now being banned from ever being there again. I put so much into that place. It is my home too!

Just been looking at the C100 form and filling it out. I have a feeling that all of this would go to my wife too as would cause her to take drastic steps ot shut me down and make my life even worse. Just looking at the form I can say I did attend a MIAM however she didnt and I can see that she could just tick all the boxes to say I was arrested, it was on DV charges, that it is ongoing, that a protection order was attempted to be in place, she has evidence from doctors that said she confirmed she had been victim of DV....etc.

My solictor is trying to tell her solictitor that we need to be fair here and try and come together for the good of the children.
Is it worth somehow trying to make her see reason and that if she continues down this path it is going to cause mega problems?
I feel somehow she needs to know the destruction shes doing to me here. She must have cared at one point!

 

[winger]

I've always been someone to believe in working at things so when relationships or family life gets tough you don't give up, you try your hardest.
Now it seems the buzz word is throwing allegations, domestic abuse, and being able to just make all sorts of threats so easily it is scary.

I guess I'm worried as the police will see tonnes of photos and CCTV footage on my phone and the fact I took lots of photos of letters, documents and things she'd written down.
Could they use that against me? I was merely trying to find evidence to prove my innocence and find out why she was denying me access to the children.

Communication is key, some people are terrible at it, my ex being one of them, which ultimately meant she never told me how she was feeling, not about us but everything in her life (family, past trauma, etc). That just doesn't do people good. You need to talk, it's healthy, and shows strength to be able to talk about it. That's why this forum is so good!

Yes unfortunately the whole allegations thing is getting worse - there are tens of thousands of these cases every year. Something needs to change. As if it goes on it's going to ruin generations of children's lives, just because someone can walk into, or phone up, a police station and say whatever they want.

The police might ask you about why you did that, but you can explain like you just have.

 

[MountainGoat]

I'm going to put this out there as I feel the deeper this gets the harder it is going to get to solve anything.
I don't know how as I cant communicate with her at the moment but I really feel we need to sit down somehow and talk things through.
This is the only way to put the childdren first.

To think up until this kicked off we were actively sleeping together, makin gplans together, and actually getting on with normal life, surely she should remember that. Instead what has happened is these allegations started and then it balooned into a massive thing where she hgot upset as I realised I've got to fight back and cant just let all this happen. We couldnt speak and instead just ended up going full speed against each other blaming each other for whatever she could think of against me.
When actually at one point only a month ago we were talking of wanting to be together still in 20 years time!

I don't know if I'm clinging on to hope but for the sake of the kids I feel like she needs a reality check as there is so much here that didnt add up, so much that we've experienced and shared together.
Maybe this is my hearyt talking and not my brain but I've always been someone whos wanted to try and do my best, even if it is just to talk and be there for the kids. I dont want anything bad to happen. I want to make my family happy and be there for them.

 

[winger]

Is it worth somehow trying to make her see reason and that if she continues down this path it is going to cause mega problems?
I feel somehow she needs to know the destruction shes doing to me here. She must have cared at one point!

I'm going to put this out there as I feel the deeper this gets the harder it is going to get to solve anything.
I don't know how as I cant communicate with her at the moment but I really feel we need to sit down somehow and talk things through.
This is the only way to put the childdren first.

To think up until this kicked off we were actively sleeping together, makin gplans together, and actually getting on with normal life, surely she should remember that. Instead what has happened is these allegations started and then it balooned into a massive thing where she hgot upset as I realised I've got to fight back and cant just let all this happen. We couldnt speak and instead just ended up going full speed against each other blaming each other for whatever she could think of against me.
When actually at one point only a month ago we were talking of wanting to be together still in 20 years time!

I don't know if I'm clinging on to hope but for the sake of the kids I feel like she needs a reality check as there is so much here that didnt add up, so much that we've experienced and shared together.
Maybe this is my hearyt talking and not my brain but I've always been someone whos wanted to try and do my best, even if it is just to talk and be there for the kids. I dont want anything bad to happen. I want to make my family happy and be there for them.

I wanted to do the same, but was advised not to, by the police, because they see this a lot and it ends up the ex just puts a NMO which makes things harder. You need to be careful mate, perhaps use a third party or something, not communicate directly.

 

[Ash]

Definitely don't try to contact her after all those allegations. Maybe write letters you don't send (and DON'T send them) - it can be quite cathartic and help you deal with stuff. Main thing is - trying to keep your confidence and deal with the situation you're in.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou everyone. I appreciate your help.

I am making sure I am not contacting her directly as the current conditions say I am to have no contact with her.

I have had to make child arrangements and plans via a family member and have a screenshot to show that she agreed to have a middle person. I am keeping that saved so she doesn't turn round and say anything different.

The biggest issue is that due to lack of communication and threatening solicitor letters this has just caused everything to break down. She wanted us to sort things out in a friendly way at first but the lack of communication just made things a lot harder.

I arranged to speak on the phone to my children last night to see how their day had been. As they were coming home from their football training they were in the car and ofcourse it was coming out over the car speakers. She could therfore hear everything. I didnt have a problem with that.
I told the kids I would be taking them out on Friday as planned and that we were heading out to see a show I've booked for them as a surprise.
All of this had been arranged and she had agreed on this, having seen a message with the date and times I would pick them up.
Even though we are not meant to be talking, she then interupted my conversation with my children and announced that I would pick them up from school instead. At no point did I say this. She mentioned that has made plans herself but looking back at messages it is clear she agreed on this.
She is doing this to clearly mess me about as she was not happy with the fact I was talking to the kids about things they enjoyed doing, and also was not happy that I'd mentioned plans for sorting out the back garden. She actually text my dad this morning to say "He doesnt live here anymore" when it is my home too and I can make plans for my home.
She wanted a reaction from me but I decided not to not react and my Dad simply replied to her asking to please give more warning next time but on this occasion we would change our plans to accomdate her.

I have also noticed she has interupted conversations I have had with the children on several occasions as she does not like it if I am on a facetime call and seeing things around the home. What is she hiding!

I can not understand why she can not be reasonable and sit down and talk things through properly.

 

[StayStrong]

Thankyou everyone. I appreciate your help.

I am making sure I am not contacting her directly as the current conditions say I am to have no contact with her.

I have had to make child arrangements and plans via a family member and have a screenshot to show that she agreed to have a middle person. I am keeping that saved so she doesn't turn round and say anything different.

The biggest issue is that due to lack of communication and threatening solicitor letters this has just caused everything to break down. She wanted us to sort things out in a friendly way at first but the lack of communication just made things a lot harder.

I arranged to speak on the phone to my children last night to see how their day had been. As they were coming home from their football training they were in the car and ofcourse it was coming out over the car speakers. She could therfore hear everything. I didnt have a problem with that.
I told the kids I would be taking them out on Friday as planned and that we were heading out to see a show I've booked for them as a surprise.
All of this had been arranged and she had agreed on this, having seen a message with the date and times I would pick them up.
Even though we are not meant to be talking, she then interupted my conversation with my children and announced that I would pick them up from school instead. At no point did I say this. She mentioned that has made plans herself but looking back at messages it is clear she agreed on this.
She is doing this to clearly mess me about as she was not happy with the fact I was talking to the kids about things they enjoyed doing, and also was not happy that I'd mentioned plans for sorting out the back garden. She actually text my dad this morning to say "He doesnt live here anymore" when it is my home too and I can make plans for my home.
She wanted a reaction from me but I decided not to not react and my Dad simply replied to her asking to please give more warning next time but on this occasion we would change our plans to accomdate her.

I have also noticed she has interupted conversations I have had with the children on several occasions as she does not like it if I am on a facetime call and seeing things around the home. What is she hiding!

I can not understand why she can not be reasonable and sit down and talk things through properly.

I think you need to take a step back which is actually what you are legally required to do. I feel your intensity in your posts and this needs tempering - that's my best advice to you currently.

As for collecting from school on Friday, please see this differently. It is good - it is an open, public place. It is the way forward as well.

Please forget the house - the back garden ffs??? - come on mate, forget it for now, all of it. Not that you have a choice anyway, unless you really can't see this basic fact.

A bit harsh for my 1st response to your circumstances, I know, but I don't apologise for spelling it out. You really need to step right back, breathe calmy and regather yourself.

Take care, SS.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou for your reply StayStrong. I much prefer people to speak their mind than to sugar coat things so I do appreciate you saying what you've said.

You are right, I am peed off at the moment as it feels like she's walking all over me. One minute I'm in my home and everything is fine and then the next I'm like a student again, not knowing where I'm living, and having to find ways of seeing the kids when they'd rather be spending time with me in my home.

I spent so much time and effort on my home and its got all my things in there. I know you are right, it is not the biggest thing here but I'm sick of being told that my kids want me home, want me there with them, and instead my wife has dictated that I don't live there anymore.

I realise I need to keep calm in all this but it really annoys me that she is being so ignorant tothe fact that actually the kids need both parents and shes making that difficult, and shes trying to get to me in any way possible.
My pets are still in the house and I have no clue if shes looking after them properly and shes also making decisions about the house when it belongs to us both.
I really need to find a way to show her 1) she cant use the kids against me when she gets annoyed, 2) she needs to communictae with me as otherwise nothing will get sorted, and 3) realise that there are a load of things that are joint decisions, not just her deicsions.

 

[Ash]

This is why I suggested counselling to help get a perspective. You haven't adjusted to the relationship being over and it feels normal to want to discuss/sort things out. Maybe counselling will help you accept that the marriage is over - and it's not your choice which is why it's hard to believe and you don't understand why and sometimes we never understand things, but over time it doesn't really matter because life will be different. Not necessarily better or worse but different.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou Ash. You are right that I have not accepted it is over.
She has actually done things in the past where she has never ever given explanations for things shes done and this is something that is very hard to process.

You never have any closure or explanation.......and when this decision is made more or less overnight and your whole world goes from everything to nothing it makes processing things even harder. Especially when I look back at messages and she was actively telling me she loves me and making plans with me.

It is like being with someone compltely different. and I have to say it is either very calculated or is balooned out of control and now she does not know how to come out of this.

I feel ultimnately like she is trying to crush me, take my kids away, take myhome, and destroy me.
That is not a life I can continue living.

 

[MagicJ]

Hey @MountainGoat,

I haven't really commented but my story is over on my thread, I will add a few take away's in case it is helpful.

I was an eternal optimist, I initiated the Divorce, I didn't think it would be acrimonious, I thought she had the kids interests at heart, I felt that being in the middle of sorting a few things around the house including a large garden landscaping project, I would finish these for her & the kids benefit.

She only has 1 agenda, it is narrow & singular -I call it Maximum Damage, Minimum Effort

She works it by doing little things around the edges, leveraging a broken system to keep prodding me, sometimes it's big things, sometimes its lots of small things, all of it is designed to show she has control - it is all contradictory mostly in the same sentence or words vs actions.

I've had real lows through this process & I'm nowhere near it's finish, the couple of things that helped me were:

1. I must be focused on being my best self as only then can I turn up to fight for my children
2. I need to forgive myself, I make mistakes , all the time but I am only human, every day is a reset & today I can do better than yesterday.
3. I pulled myself through by building a support system as follows:
   1. Physical
      1. Short term physical goals to get me to focus on what is achievable (loose 1kg, add muscle, run for 30s longer etc)
      2. Mid-term physical goals to acknowledge to myself that I am capable (loose 1st, build my arms, run 5k)
   2. Mental
      1. Never react immediately to anything that is said or done - reached out here to give me space & get an opinion
      2. Journal - Write & Burn - This was cathartic, I would write my true feelings on a single page, then burn it.
      3. Journal - Long term - This was useful, I write to my kids every month, about my emotions on what they achieve & my own experience.
      4. Counselling - I have been going for several months, I couldn't cope without it, it's about REFRAMING to look at what is controllable & what you need to let go
   3. Process
      1. Solicitor & Forum - I have used the forum to build knowledge & experience and leveraged the Solicitor only where really needed, without the guidance I would have fallen over long ago,

The best thing I ever did was get my C100 in & try and come to terms that she isn't going to be logical but emotional.
There are a couple of posts on the Health & Coping Strategies sub-board, have a read of them they may help you with getting perspective & moving forward.

Remember, as @Ash says, nothing will change in 1 week, take the time to let yourself pause, come to terms with where you are & figure out where you want to go. Once you have that, you can then build a plan for both yourself & for the process you are now in.

Stay Strong, Keep Posting, Keep Going - for your Children.

 

[mva]

Hi mate

This is a very difficult time for you and I completely understand how you are feeling.

Please learn from my mistakes

Over three years ago my ex started the process of trying to get me out of our kids lives. I was in complete denial about her intentions. If I could just step back and look at things objectively and impartially I would have realised that this was a calculated act facilitated by her and her lawyer. She referred me to the police, childline, domestic abuse, kids GP etc etc.

I spent months trying to understand her motives, making excuses for her, ignoring advice from others. All this overnight without having access to my kids. In short it sent me mad and I lost my job / flat / money over it.

I posted things on FB, lashed out verbally / ignored all those trying to offer advice , ignored my own lawyers at times and generally was completely reactive and unstable.

I am having to live with the consequences.

I think you are trying to understand your exes intentions. I fear you will try and contact her about this. I fear at the moment you are going to play into her hands legally.

Your hoping this can be resolved by a rational conversation with the ex. It can’t .

The only advice I can give is keep posting on here. Do not act independently without legal advise or advise on here. Every correspondence you send to your ex via a third party about child arrangements needs to be tripled checked. Do not go near the house. Do not reach out to her or mutual friends. Do not contact the kids school / GP’s unless correspondence is triple checked.

You will get through this but need to be whiter than white.

None of this fair and those with the power to influence future child arrangements ( caffcass / judges/ lawyers ) care about your feelings.

When the dust settles they need to see you are 100% child focused and not concerned about the ex.

To not act or react is completely unnatural when such emotions as kids are involved. But everything you do going forward needs to be calculated and at the moment that involves not damaging your position.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou MagicJ and mva.
What you say makes complete sense.

I have ended up wasting so much time trying to find reasons or wanting to be there for her to support her when instead I should be shifting my focus to me and the children.
I'm just some normal decent guy who wanted to work out what was happening and try and work out what was wrong, how I could make things back on track, and mostly get help for her as I thought something wasnt right.

It takes a lot of convincing yourself to try and fight what your head is telling you and what your heart is telling you and I think the fact it all happened without explanations means that I 'm just not in place to accept that all yet.

My work place has councelling available and I have contacted them to see if I can get that started.

The thing I can't understand or maybe just dont want to understand is that I cant accept that things are changing, that I just want to be tucking my kids into bed at night, that I can feel safe in my own home, and not be living this temporary life where I don't know what is what.

She seems to think she can dictate to me that I no longer live there, that the children are better off with her, and that she can make decisions on what goes on in my kids and my home life without even keeping me updated on anything.

She's tried to make so many allegations against me and now with this latest allegation I worry what could happen.
It isnt fair to be going through all this. It truly isnt. How can I focus on my kids with the worry of whether I could go to prison.

 

[Ash]

You compartmentalise. You put those worries in one box and only get them out for 10 minutes a day. You focus on the key to all this, which is getting a Child Arrangements order, which means you are back in control of one aspect of your life and family.

You never have any closure or explanation.......and when this decision is made more or less overnight and your whole world goes from everything to nothing it makes processing things even harder.

To help with this, you again take control. And make it your decision, not hers. After everything she has done, would it not be better to choose for yourself that the marriage and relationship is over and you deserve better than this treatment? Trust is gone. Make the choice yourself. It's a mental shift and once you do that, you feel better.

Of course you miss the lifestyle and familiarity, but believe me, once you start seeing your kids in your own place - however temporary or humble that might be at the moment - it all changes. You have your own relationship with them and that is building a new life.

Quite a few Dads have said, that once they got used to living separately, and having the kids on their own - they actually preferred it - and realised ther relationship with the kids had never been as full as it might have been, when the Mother was organising everything. That they could now have really good one to one relationships with their kids - and a break from the care as well (when kids are at Mum's).

You can't imagine something you haven't experienced yet, so it takes a leap of faith and to just believe - things will get better.

I am slightly worried that you might be feeling suicidal - you can call the Samaritans at any time - if you get one that just doesn't feel like it's helping, call back and speak to another one. They are sometimes better than regular counselling. Because it's spontaneous and when you need it. Some are really good and you think - well they can't fix everything. Well actually they can help fix things and it starts with you. They can say little words that suddenly give you a shift in thinking and feel differently.

Try to keep the logical aspects in mind,.

1) This is a "custody battle". You're not going to go to prison for false allegations.
2) It's also a civil matter not a criminal matter. It is 99.9% not likely to become a criminal matter as there is no evidence of wrongdoing.
3) It might feel like the end of everything, but it's not - it's the beginning of a new and different life - and maybe you didn't choose independence and not to be married but you could get to like it and then one day someone great will come along and you will be so glad your marriage ended! And you'll see a perspective when you're dealing with someone who doesn't have issues and isn't selfish.

At some point you might start feeling angry - this is all part of the bereavement process. It's a way of dealing with things and getting them out. But get the anger out on here.

One final thing - however much you want to talk to your ex, or plead with her or whatever - just remember that is feeding her ego. If there genuinely is any chance she may say she wants you back then you need to play it cool. You'll feel better for playing it cool. And really you don't want her back - she is not to be trusted is she?

What you want is a nice normal life again - and you'll get there.

Surround yourself with friends and family you can trust.

 

[winger]

You compartmentalise. You put those worries in one box and only get them out for 10 minutes a day. You focus on the key to all this, which is getting a Child Arrangements order, which means you are back in control of one aspect of your life and family.


To help with this, you again take control. And make it your decision, not hers. After everything she has done, would it not be better to choose for yourself that the marriage and relationship is over and you deserve better than this treatment? Trust is gone. Make the choice yourself. It's a mental shift and once you do that, you feel better.

Of course you miss the lifestyle and familiarity, but believe me, once you start seeing your kids in your own place - however temporary or humble that might be at the moment - it all changes. You have your own relationship with them and that is building a new life.

Quite a few Dads have said, that once they got used to living separately, and having the kids on their own - they actually preferred it - and realised ther relationship with the kids had never been as full as it might have been, when the Mother was organising everything. That they could now have really good one to one relationships with their kids - and a break from the care as well (when kids are at Mum's).

You can't imagine something you haven't experienced yet, so it takes a leap of faith and to just believe - things will get better.

I am slightly worried that you might be feeling suicidal - you can call the Samaritans at any time - if you get one that just doesn't feel like it's helping, call back and speak to another one. They are sometimes better than regular counselling. Because it's spontaneous and when you need it. Some are really good and you think - well they can't fix everything. Well actually they can help fix things and it starts with you. They can say little words that suddenly give you a shift in thinking and feel differently.

Try to keep the logical aspects in mind,.

1) This is a "custody battle". You're not going to go to prison for false allegations.
2) It's also a civil matter not a criminal matter. It is 99.9% not likely to become a criminal matter as there is no evidence of wrongdoing.
3) It might feel like the end of everything, but it's not - it's the beginning of a new and different life - and maybe you didn't choose independence and not to be married but you could get to like it and then one day someone great will come along and you will be so glad your marriage ended! And you'll see a perspective when you're dealing with someone who doesn't have issues and isn't selfish.

At some point you might start feeling angry - this is all part of the bereavement process. It's a way of dealing with things and getting them out. But get the anger out on here.

One final thing - however much you want to talk to your ex, or plead with her or whatever - just remember that is feeding her ego. If there genuinely is any chance she may say she wants you back then you need to play it cool. You'll feel better for playing it cool. And really you don't want her back - she is not to be trusted is she?

What you want is a nice normal life again - and you'll get there.

Surround yourself with friends and family you can trust.

This, I might print it off and stick it on my fridge!
Great words