Very vulnerable and feel afraid. False allegations against me.

[MountainGoat]

Hello everyone,
I'm new here and in a place I never thought I would ever be.
I would greatly appreciate any advice. I am married with two children, son who is aged 6 and daughter 8.

We had just come back from a holiday abroad and then it happened...
Just over 3 weeks ago my wife made an allegation of assault against me to the police and I was arrested. This came out of the blue and caused me immense stress and anxiety.

She said she was assaulted. The story she told me the week before was that she was walking, tripped and banged her head on the pavement.
Bizarely her injury seemed to get worse as the week progressed. By Friday she felt dizzy, got admitted to York hospital and then told the paramedics she had been assaulted and thrown against the garage door.
I didnt know anything about this and she later was talking to me as if nothing unusual had happened.

Imagine being happy and enjoying life (Had taken the kids bowling and just returned home) and then the police come and take you away!
Her story didnt add up and I made it clear that I had never assaulted my wife.
It had a huge impact on my job, my family, and living my life. I ended up having to work from my temporary accomodation whilst this was investigated.
I was on bail whilst I waited for investigations to take place and could not go home and had to stay in a AirBnB costing me money.

Fast forward two weeks and the case WAS DROPPED WITH NO FURTHER ACTION which was a huge relief as I had done nothing wrong.
I was able to prove I was nowhere near her at the time too.

The police and her then tried to put in an injunction against me and this went to court.
ONCE AGAIN, THIS WAS DROPPED AND NO FURTHER ACTION TAKEN.

Finally feeling like things were getting better and leaving the court room on a positive note, I saw that I had got a voicemail within minutes of the court hearing ending.

Once again, She had now put a new allegation in against me, saying I harmed my children. I couldn't believe what I was hearing!

AGAIN, within two days of being asked to attend a voluntary interview THE CASE WAS DROPPED AND NO FURTHER ACTION taken against me.


So you should be seeing some sort of pattern here.

The problem I have is that the my wife is trying to stop me coming anywhere near my children or enter my home.
She still thinks I am a threat even though the police have said there is no action to be taken and she is doing anything to make contact harder and stoppping me seeing my children in my own home. I own the home 50/50 and have the right to be there with my kids.

I am now living in fear as to what allegations she could make if I do go home and once the door is closed she could say anything.

I do not know why she is doing all of this. There are much more normal ways if she wants a divorce. This is making things a lot harder for everyone, especially the children. We've had our problems and lifes been tough but nothing to indicate this.
They should be being put first here. She is playing the card that if I come home the children will be upset.....well ofcourse they will becuaue they've hardly seen their dad. She says they have to get used to the new norm and being at home will upset them ---> A norm that she seems to be dictating to them when instead they should see their dad in their own home. That is more familiar to them.

I am wondering what I can do. My wife is either very bright and has been planning this from the beginning to try and take me down in a very twisted way, or there is some massive reason here why she's had to go down this route. A reason I do not understand when the week before we were making plans as normal.

My children are the most important right now and I don't know what I can do.

Thankyou.

 

[Ash]

Has she been assessed for head injury follow ups? Either that or - do you think she might be seeing someone else? That is often the case when, out of the blue, they suddenly want rid of you. Although it seems a bit of a coincidence with the accident happening first.

 

[Peanut 21]

Welcome Mountain Goat,
Sadly this seems to happen a lot.
There's other dads on here who felt like they were in a relationship with a complete stranger.
It may be that she planned this from day one to have kids or she changed further down the road.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You've found a good bunch of people who can help you through.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou Peanut21.
As a dad it feels very lonely when this is happening to you. I love my children and my wife too. I just cant understand this.
I had never set foot in a police station before. It was totally alien to me and has made me feel broken and shattered.

I have just re-read my post and forgot a crucial thing..... She does suffer from health issues which can cause her to often be spaced out, not thinking straight., like being drunk but not being drunk. It's her mental health condition. Often in the evenings. And more importantly she also has depression.
I am wondering if this is something she didnt even know she was doing and it has now balooned out of control. Either that or she knows what she is doing. Or she does not want to admit how she really caused her injury due to some reason I have no idea.
The problem is it just doesnt add up. She wants to be amicable but then goes and throws the child assault case against me.

Whatever it is I need to be there for my children and feel safe to go back to my home and children. I'd love to know what I can do as I feel like I need a 24 hour security guard with me at the moment.

 

[Ash]

Hard as it is, it sounds like she doesn't want you to go back home - for whatever reason. Are you not getting to see your children at all? If not then it might be better to apply for a child arrangements order to have regular time with your children away from the home. I know you didn't choose to be separated, but it wouldn't be good to live with someone who accused you of harm either (and continues to do so).

It sounds to me like this is an actual choice. And she has made excuses to be able to keep you away. Even if she had some kind of after effects of head injury, she is an adult and no one can force her to seek investigation for it really. Does she work at all?

 

[MountainGoat]

Has she been assessed for head injury follow ups? Either that or - do you think she might be seeing someone else? That is often the case when, out of the blue, they suddenly want rid of you. Although it seems a bit of a coincidence with the accident happening first.

Hi Ash, Sorry I only just saw your message.
It was a colleague who took her to the hospital and whilst she was there she was giving me updates that she had a CT scan. I assume all was well as they were releeased and came back in the early hours of the morning.
On that morning she seemed very shattered and not well so I decided to let her rest and took the kids out for lunch and bowling.
It is when I got back that she said to me that whilst she was at the hospital she had to tell them something and that she said I'd caused her injuries.
Seeing that she often doesntmake much sense in the evenings I do wonder why she said that. Her mental health makes her very groggy especially in the evenings.
Together with depressionm edication I wonder if she is truly believening all of this assault story and cant get out of it now.....trying to find anything to cover herself. Either that or she is being very calculating.

I cant say if she is seeing anyone else however I would doubt it as she is often at work or picking up the kids. Very hectic days.
only the other day she was saying how she wanted to make plans with me for the future and that she did love me, but then how can you then go and accuse your husband of harming your kids! That's messed up!

She does work, full time.
I am worried about my children and her as I have often needed to be there for them all.
I havent seen the children for 2 weeks now and she is making her own plans, dictating when I can see them.

 

[Ash]

It was a colleague who took her to the hospital

Was it a male colleague? And she works full time? I think she may well be mixed up and flip flopping if she's having an affair. It's very common. One minute she doesn't want you, next minute things aren't going so well with the boyfriend and she wants you back.

Just a guess. But whatever you do, don't ask her or confront her with that. You would never get the truth anyway even if she is/was. You need to protect yourself from further allegations right now so it would be better to have minimal contact. If it's face to face, have someone with you. Might be better by text or email so you can build up some evidence for court later, but make sure your messages are always polite and reasonable. We recommend BIFF messages (brief informative, friendly, formal) as if writing to a business colleague. But it depends on the circumstances. The main thing is don't get angry or frustrated in messages or you could be accused of being aggressive (she can also use messages as evidence for court).

At the moment everything is on her terms.

Edited - sorry about last bit I've edited it (replying to wrong post towards the end!)

 

[MountainGoat]

Female colleague. I saw her and know her well.
I am almost 100% it is not an affair. i could be wrong ofcourse but I don't think it is. At no point has she been home late, going out without warning or acting suspicious. Everything pointed to a normal family life with occasions of arguments like most couples trying to run a family household with children that can be happy one minute and arguing the next.

The way she has been acting has been like two different people.
One minute we could be in the city centre drinking coffee and shopping, making plans to go on holiday for next year, and sorting out who's doing the pickup for taking the kids to their guitar lesson, and then this happens.

Only two months before this kicked off she drove off and was found 30 miles away in the countryside having taken an overdose. She was referred to an emerergency care suicidal team.

I just think she isnt thinking straight. You wouldnt put your kids through this long line of assaults and do this to someone that you told them you loved them only days ago.
It seems very very wrong.

I guess the thing that is very hard is that I want to send her a message asking why! You cant do this to someone without giving answers. It tears you apart.
And I would like to remind her that we could stop all of this. Whatever is going on I care about them all and it would make sense to chat it through.

She even said we could meet up at our favourite coffee shop that we always go to and then changed her mind again and then doesnt want to.
So much does not add up.


Don't know anything about a dad and brother...Think thats another thread?


Do fathers have it harder to get back in their own home? I need to be back there. Technically I could be there now. I just need her to accept that.

 

[Ash]

The way she has been acting has been like two different people.

You see to me that also sounds like someone who is having an affair. It could be just at work. But I take your point.

I think if you went back there you could be arrested again. Have you tried having mediation? Sorry about the earlier bit - yes I was replying to another post at the same time and momentarily forgot it was your thread

The danger is - family court social workers tend to be a bit biased towards Mothers, believe their allegations and if you say she has mental health issues or attempted suicide they are also likely to think that's your fault too! If she says "he drove me to it".

I think it might be an idea to keep things in writing from now on - eg messages - and be very careful what you say. Keep it brief - don't get into long emotional dialogues. In a way that's like playing it cool but also it protects you from being accused of being "controlling" or "aggressive" if you do get emotional or frustrated or try and persuade her into anything.

Maybe you could send her a message saying "I understand you want some space and not have me at home, but I haven't seen our children for two weeks so perhaps we could organise them spending some time with me away from the home a couple of times a week. I suggest I pick them up from school on alternate Fridays and drop them back at the house on Sunday tea times, plus take them for tea on Wednesdays and then drop them home.

I am also happy to discuss anything you wish at any time."

 

[Peanut 21]

Hmm, to me it sounds like she has an undiagnosed mental condition other than depression.
If your kids were younger I'd suspect post natal depression but as the youngest is 6, it's probably not that.

From what you say about her getting groggy and strange in the evenings it must be something else. Obviously not being a doctor and knowing your wife it's purely my initial feeling.

 

[Ash]

I think what you would need to say in a court application is simply that on x date your wife has a head injury due to a fall on the pavement. You were not there and a colleague went to hospital with her where she had a Ct scan and was discharged and she later told you she told the hospital you had caused it. Which you found strange and thought she must be a bit confused afterwards but normal happy life carried on as usual afterwards except sometimes she would become a bit groggy in the evenings.

You were then arrested out of the blue with allegations that you had caused this but the case was closed with no further action. As a result you are now living elsewhere but had not chosen to end the marriage. Your wife then made a further report that you had harmed the children and that case was also closed with no further action.

Sometimes your wife says she wants you back and then changes her mind. But the children have now not seen you for x weeks and wish the court to make an order for regular time for the children with both parents. Your wife continues to work full time so you assume she is not unwell but feel arrangements for the children need to be in place and you hope some agreement can be reached via the court process, as currently your wife is refusing to let you see them at all. You do not feel you can go home as you are concerned you may be accused of something else.

You propose that you collect the children from school on alternate Fridays and drop them back at school on Monday mornings plus spend time with them on Wednesday evenings, until matters are resolved. You propose that any final order is for an equal shared care arrangement with the children living half the time with each parent.

That is the kind of thing you would put in an application for a child arrangement s order. It would have nothing to do with whether or not you are or may be getting divorced - it’s purely because you are physically separated.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou for all your replies. It really means a lot as I feel so rock bottom right now.

I have full rights to go into my home. I just dont think she realises that. There are no restrictions.
I’ve now found out she’s made 4 different stories to different people:
- she was pushed into back garden
- she bumped head on door
- she got pushed down sttairs.
- she fell off pavement on way home.

I have started the mediation steps. I have my interview on Saturday. So it’s not even begun.
I do know she loves control as she was not at all happy when I told her she would be being contacted for mediation insisting that she would look at the suitability and not to dictate it to her. Which is funny since she had wanted that too. But she didn’t like the fact I took the initiative here.

I know it makes sense saying I have them one day and she has them another as it’s making plans but she seems to want to dictate those plans. It’s not fair.
I also want to be in my home. My solicitor is going to write to her.

You are right in that she did have postnatal depression and did a suicide attempt too several years back. She did another attempt back in June this year.
I’m a little worried in case she would find this post on this forum so haven’t said what her mental health condition is. However it is something that messes with your brain. So she won’t be very with it or will not be totally aware of everything going on.

Interestingly I’ve read the case notes from the social worker and they say that when asked about the incident at the hospital she was confused, dizzy and disorientated. Says it all!

I just want to be home with my kids. They miss me and I miss them.
Surely they can’t take any more allegations as this is getting silly now. I need this resolved as she could be telling my kids anything right now.

Thankyou for all your support so far. It means a lot.

 

[Ash]

The problem is, if you go home, she could just call the police again and say anything and they would have to arrest you and investigate. Hopefully the mediation will get through to her that she needs to let you see the kids.

 

[MountainGoat]

I really hope it does get through to her. I've also typed my wife a letter as she was wanting so much and then over night it changed. Somethings not right. Any way for her to rmeember what we've actually shared is important and to stop this. For the childrens sake it is not good.

I've just come out of a meeting with the soccial workers and the school as they put in place a plan to ensure the childrens safety.
Coming out with things like "the children are upset", well ofcourse they are! They've not seen their Dad!
Ofcourse the fact there had been allegations paints me instantly in a bad light.... Even though there was no action taken! It still makes you look bad.
They had a whole case file which was very much incorrect in many places but they only had that to go on and they didn't want to hear anything from me to correct any of it.

Most alarming thing was that whilst I got accused of harming my kids, I read in the file sent to me by the social services that she got reported for smacking them back in 2018. I never knew any of this and alarmed it was not reported to safeguarding.

These social workers should be the people who are realising the risks yet they seem to have their eyes closed.
The complex nature of my wifes medical history and her false allegations should be telling people there is something seriously wrong here!

I dont know who else to talk to now. How can I make the authorities see that my kids are not safe!

 

[Ash]

You can't basically. If you try to they will see you as deflecting blame and it makes you look suspicious. What you need to do is get an order to have regular time with the kids - which in itself exonerates you and shows the court sees there are no welfare issues with you. Once you have that under your belt, if there are any issues in future, you can go to social services. But schools are also required to involve social services if they think there is an issue or a child tells them something. Social services are also particularly flakey sometimes, about any risks regarding Mothers - they see Mothers as the most important thing.

I was once told by a Solicitor, that unless my child was hospitalised with injuries, social services wouldn't do anything. Which is quite shocking. The most important thing you can do is be there, as Dad, and get as much time as possible.

Under the current circumstances I would not send that letter to your wife. Write these things but don't send them - it can be cathartic and it can help you work things out for yourself. Of course you're grieving for what was, and the marriage, and you don't need to fully accept that it is over - take it one day at a time. But keep focused on your relationship with your kids.

I'd also be careful to keep everything in writing. A brief follow up email to the school could be an idea but keep it polite and formal as if writing to a business colleague. No display of emotion or they will think you're off the rails or something. Sadly men are viewed suspiciously in these circumstances.

 

[Ash]

So you could maybe email or write to the school. Address it to the headteacher (eg Mrs xxxxxxxxx, Headteacher) and mark it private and confidential.

You could maybe say something like "Thank you for meeting with me on x day. I am writing to confirm the current situation in that my wife and I are living separately and the children will be upset because they haven't seen me. Hopefully mediation for parents will help rectify that situation. I also wish to confirm that allegations against me have been found to be without merit and the case closed with no further action.

I would be grateful if the school could offer any support they can to the children, at this difficult time, and let me know if there are any issues for the children please. I ask that this letter be kept on file. Thank you.

Yours sincerely' - your name (Father of x and y)."

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou. I have sent a message to the school.

Yesterday I picked up the children and took them to their dance club and then out for dinner.
They were so happy to see me and now that there are no restrictions on going anywhere near my home I took them back home and took in all their bags and lunch boxes into the kitchen. They asked me to come in to show me some things they'd done.
I am compltely allowed to do this yet this morinng my wife texts me to say she feels uncomfortable with me being in the house and that out of respect can I not go back in.

How crazy is that! She turfs me out my home and is now trying to keep me out still.
It is not at all on! I'm not able to live where I am much longer and this has to stop. She can move out if she wants to.

 

[Ash]

If you try to move back in she will probably get an urgent ex parte non molestation order to keep you away and then it becomes much much harder to get a child arrangements order. Believe me she can get one in 24 hours with no evidence whatsoever. All she has to do is say she is scared of you.

And that will go as a black mark when you're applying for Child Arrangements - and it will delay any application of yours until there is a full hearing over the NMO.

You need to protect yourself. I am very glad you got to see the kids. Now have a MIAM, get signed off and get an application in.

Personally I think it's far too risky for you to move back in. I know it's hard.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou for your reply.

The fact that she tried to get a non molestation order and it was denied and that all other allegations were also denied surely does not look good if she was to try and make any other non molestation order surely?
Again, I would be able to defend myself in court if she did this, no?

Equally I could easily say I am afraid of her and the fact that I am living in fear of any allegations she could make against me.

 

[MountainGoat]

My solicitiors have posted out a letter to her to say I have full access to the property.