Would it be worth me contacting the police anbd making them aware of my concerns that she is denying access?
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Very vulnerable and feel afraid. False allegations against me.
- Thread starter MountainGoat
- Start date
My experience with the police is that they don't do anything if it's a 'family matter' they just direct you to the courts. But that may just be my experience.
Glad you got to see your kids mate
My advice here is to prioritise.
I fully understand the house issue but it's bricks and mortar. If you have items inside of sentimental value you could spend some energy getting them safe but the rest, in my opinion, can wait.
Put yourself in a position to get the best order for your children. Gaining access to the property won't get you any closer to that, only put you in a potential position where you've weakened your position.
I fully understand the house issue but it's bricks and mortar. If you have items inside of sentimental value you could spend some energy getting them safe but the rest, in my opinion, can wait.
Put yourself in a position to get the best order for your children. Gaining access to the property won't get you any closer to that, only put you in a potential position where you've weakened your position.
This is very true, sound advice. The police did recommend that, even though the case was NFA, and I was free, that I shouldn't make contact or go round. As much as I want to, to try and see my daughter, but they said the ex would likely start accusing harassment, and then a NMO, which I've heard makes things much harder.
So yes as hard as it is, better to stay low and sit tight.
For now mate. I'd say that's 100% your best move.
Slow and steady might win this race.
It's so frustrating and heart wrenching when you feel like you aren't doing anything. But, as many men around our age know, the silent batttles are the most important ones.
Let your ex have the little wins for now and keep fully focussed on the end goal. Do not be tempted to fire any shots back for a short term win, it'll harm you going forward.
Keep venting on here and take as much good advice as possible.
Slow and steady might win this race.
It's so frustrating and heart wrenching when you feel like you aren't doing anything. But, as many men around our age know, the silent batttles are the most important ones.
Let your ex have the little wins for now and keep fully focussed on the end goal. Do not be tempted to fire any shots back for a short term win, it'll harm you going forward.
Keep venting on here and take as much good advice as possible.
This is such good advice doing nothing feels like our natural enemy but its a silent battle with ourselves to keep steady for the long term.
If you're struggling more than usual some days, I've found watching videos on YouTube helpful, there are loads of really good people - Rich Roll, Mastermind Parenting, Tim Ferris.
Here's a good one about reframing a challenging moment -
I fall asleep to these sometimes. If you're overthinking or dwelling, it can take your mind off of all that stuff.
Thankyou everyone for kind replies.
I had my MIAM meeting today and found it helpful. I was told that they had contacted my wife and that she does not want to take part. They are going to contact her again.
I can’t see how this is at all helpful as she is not prioritising sorting things out and it is important we put the children first here.
I think it is good that I attended my session.
She told me to keep away from the house due to the “current situation” and I was like thinking what situation?
So I waited until they were out and went to do some jobs that needed doing.
She can’t stop me being there.
I’ve also noticed her starting to change things in the house which she can’t do as it’s our joint house.
my kids want to see me and I can’t afford to be taking them out all the time. I want to cook for them at home and spend time playing games at home. It gets too expensive otherwise.
I’m going to see how the week starts out but looking at all the lies she has made and allegations then I think it’s got to stop.
I can’t move forwards otherwise. I have to stand my ground. I get what you are all saying and to wait but my kids are asking me why I can’t be with them or why I can’t spend longer with them or be in our home.
Sorry for the rant. I’m just exhausted of playing games. I love them all and just want normally for my children. I can’t live away forever.
I had my MIAM meeting today and found it helpful. I was told that they had contacted my wife and that she does not want to take part. They are going to contact her again.
I can’t see how this is at all helpful as she is not prioritising sorting things out and it is important we put the children first here.
I think it is good that I attended my session.
She told me to keep away from the house due to the “current situation” and I was like thinking what situation?
So I waited until they were out and went to do some jobs that needed doing.
She can’t stop me being there.
I’ve also noticed her starting to change things in the house which she can’t do as it’s our joint house.
my kids want to see me and I can’t afford to be taking them out all the time. I want to cook for them at home and spend time playing games at home. It gets too expensive otherwise.
I’m going to see how the week starts out but looking at all the lies she has made and allegations then I think it’s got to stop.
I can’t move forwards otherwise. I have to stand my ground. I get what you are all saying and to wait but my kids are asking me why I can’t be with them or why I can’t spend longer with them or be in our home.
Sorry for the rant. I’m just exhausted of playing games. I love them all and just want normally for my children. I can’t live away forever.
I hear you but think you're on risky ground and she could just take out an NMO to keep you away and you might not see your kids for months then. If you do decide to keep going back to the house, I would go to the Police first, and explain the situation and explain that you are concerned you might be accused of something if you go back and wish that to be on record. That you simply want to live in your own house with your children. But if she does go for an NMO it will force you out.
Welcome to the world of separated parents when it isn't your choice. I am sorry it's tough.
Welcome to the world of separated parents when it isn't your choice. I am sorry it's tough.
You are in danger of falling into her trap.
I understand you can't move forward. But, standing still or sideways isn't the end of the world for now. Even if it feels like you are moving backwards.
Thai page is full of men who have all the experience of these women. It's your life, your children and your choice but I implore you to stay away from that house.
I understand you can't move forward. But, standing still or sideways isn't the end of the world for now. Even if it feels like you are moving backwards.
Thai page is full of men who have all the experience of these women. It's your life, your children and your choice but I implore you to stay away from that house.
Of course she doesn't. She wants everything on her terms and you are simply an irritant and am afterthought.
So you ask to get the sign off form from mediation and you put in an application for child Arrangements for your children to live half the time with each parent. And don't give her any room to take out an NMO on you which would delay your application to see your children by months.
Try to focus on the relationship with the children and getting to see them regularly whereever you stay. Do you have family nearby? It must be extremely upsetting and frustrating to see your own home and feel excluded from it. What can help is to see it that it is no longer home because the marriage is what made it home and your wife is behaving as if you aren't married, because she has chosen to.
It can also help to have some counselling at a stressful time like this. Sadly if a woman decides she wants a man out, society falls into line in "protecting" her just in case it's true that you are some kind of danger. You need to avoid being accused of
a) Harrassment
b) Intimidation
c) Being controlling
Because that is the kind of thing you would get accused of for wanting to go home to your own home and there is a big cultural feminist thing going on that men are controlling and intimidating so women are believed.
You might not be able to have your house right now, but you can have your kids, if you take action,. You don't have to go out all the time, you just need to be living somewhere and they can come to you. Home is where the heart is.
Try to focus on the relationship with the children and getting to see them regularly whereever you stay. Do you have family nearby? It must be extremely upsetting and frustrating to see your own home and feel excluded from it. What can help is to see it that it is no longer home because the marriage is what made it home and your wife is behaving as if you aren't married, because she has chosen to.
It can also help to have some counselling at a stressful time like this. Sadly if a woman decides she wants a man out, society falls into line in "protecting" her just in case it's true that you are some kind of danger. You need to avoid being accused of
a) Harrassment
b) Intimidation
c) Being controlling
Because that is the kind of thing you would get accused of for wanting to go home to your own home and there is a big cultural feminist thing going on that men are controlling and intimidating so women are believed.
You might not be able to have your house right now, but you can have your kids, if you take action,. You don't have to go out all the time, you just need to be living somewhere and they can come to you. Home is where the heart is.
Thankyou.
I understand that she could do anything against me and I need to protect myself.
For that reason I would never want to engage with her in an argument or anything without a mediator there.
I don’t know what she’s planning if she is indeed not going for mediation as she can’t do any court or divorce proceedings without one.
My solicitor is writing a letter to those involved to remind them that the allegations were false and that I have every right to see my children when I want.
My wife has tried to throw a non molestation order before and it got thrown out.
If she does it again I surely would ask the court to consider her past actions.
As a father and active parent to my children I have a need to look after them. No one can stop me from doing that.
Right now she just wants to keep me away. She will keep me away as long as possible and use this as a way to say the children have a new life now, are more settled m, etc.
When in fact they want their dad home.
I know it is risky but how long can she keep up this game of denying me access from my kids?
How long can she dictate when i can and can’t come in my home.
I know you are all right to tread carefully and I’m going to need to.
Fear not im not going to slip back into bed with her!
I understand that she could do anything against me and I need to protect myself.
For that reason I would never want to engage with her in an argument or anything without a mediator there.
I don’t know what she’s planning if she is indeed not going for mediation as she can’t do any court or divorce proceedings without one.
My solicitor is writing a letter to those involved to remind them that the allegations were false and that I have every right to see my children when I want.
My wife has tried to throw a non molestation order before and it got thrown out.
If she does it again I surely would ask the court to consider her past actions.
As a father and active parent to my children I have a need to look after them. No one can stop me from doing that.
Right now she just wants to keep me away. She will keep me away as long as possible and use this as a way to say the children have a new life now, are more settled m, etc.
When in fact they want their dad home.
I know it is risky but how long can she keep up this game of denying me access from my kids?
How long can she dictate when i can and can’t come in my home.
I know you are all right to tread carefully and I’m going to need to.
Fear not im not going to slip back into bed with her!
I'm in a similar position to you mountain, it goes against every fibre of your being to not be with your kids. I haven't seen my 2 year old daughter for nearly 5 months now, she's only up the road, it would be easy to go and see her, I know the routine and when she naps, and she usually naps in the pram so would be easy to 'walk into' my ex walking her, and see my little baby. She's my life.. And it's taking everything I have to not go to the house, or to not just walk into them.
But if I did all it does is
1. Give her more ammunition to potentially apply for an NMO, or she might say it's 'evidence' of 'harassment' or 'stalking', even though I'd just be going to see my daughter.
2. I would likely feel a lot worse because, she wouldn't just let me pick up my daughter and have a cuddle, she'd turn around and walk the other away. And then if I followed that would be even worse. So what's the point? That would be awful, to maybe see my daughter for a second, and then watch her walk away. I'd be a lot worse off than before.
So I save my energy for working on myself, my mental clarity and calmness. Just getting through each day. I do it for my daughter, she needs her dad to be strong. And I know that if she could talk, she would tell, be strong daddy, everything be ok.
We shouldn't be having to go through this, it isn't normal, and certainly not normal for our kids. But, this WILL all end, soon. It won't go on forever. So take this time and your energy to put together your case, gather evidence, learn about the process, keep focused and calm, don't dwell, keep positive.
I know it's all easy to say, and it's hard to do, but we have to keep going and keep strong, for our kids, they're all that matters
I'm not that great at explaining things but I hope this all made sense. I'm waiting to hear from the court at the moment.
Perfectly put Winger.
All.of this is exactly how I felt.
I'm.just over a year into my matter now and the light is getting brighter and brighter.
Stay strong
All.of this is exactly how I felt.
I'm.just over a year into my matter now and the light is getting brighter and brighter.
Stay strong
Of course you should be able to parent your children. But likewise your ex has human rights (women seem to have them more than men!). She has the human right to live wherever she wants. If she decides she doesn’t want you anywhere near her, for whatever reason, she can claim intimidation or harrassment - psychological.
This is the problem with these situations. You can’t take the kids away (or you’d be accused of abduction) and she can keep you away. So the only solution is a court order stating when your kids are with you and when with her.
The thing I wish we'd known at the start is that don't assume the courts and everyone else who gets involved can see what's going on.
People say "surely the judge can see through the ex", or "it'll get resolved soon". We're nearly 5 years in with an ex who constantly breaches and varies the original order.
Do not underestimate what these women will do.
Hopefully yours isn't as nuts as my partners though.
People say "surely the judge can see through the ex", or "it'll get resolved soon". We're nearly 5 years in with an ex who constantly breaches and varies the original order.
Do not underestimate what these women will do.
Hopefully yours isn't as nuts as my partners though.
I’m going to go to the police tomorrow and ask them for some advice on protecting myself when in the house. Also to ask them to make note of my concerns so they know I’ve logged my worries. Thinking of taking a recording camera with me.
Solicitor is also going to speak to social worker so she can’t say I’m making the kids sad or upsetting them and reminding them they want their dad.
Solicitor is also going to speak to social worker so she can’t say I’m making the kids sad or upsetting them and reminding them they want their dad.
Thankyou Peanut and Ash. I realise that she can be indeed so unpredictable. It’s a side I’ve never seen before. How can women be so confusing. It’s either very cunningly planned or a very severe mental health issues.
Sadly, in my experience, it's usually cunningly planned, and sometimes quite a long time in advance.
Are you thinking that, if you can move back in safely, she might move out so you can stay in the house? If she did move out, she would probably take the kids with her and she could still then get an occupation order to move back in and force you to move out.
I think it's good to inform the police and social services, but ultimately, if she applies for an NMO or occupation order, that then becomes a court matter and Cafcass will assume she is telling the truth (if she makes allegations) until it can be proved or shown otherwise. So then you get treated like a criminal for a few months and either no contact with the kids or supervised only (which has to be paid for).
That's what everyone is trying to warn you about really. Your wife, unfortunately, has a lot of power in this situation to keep your children away from you. Unless you have a Child Arrangements order. And it's better to get one before things turn nasty or to allegations. Even if you don't get into any arguments with her, she can still say you did or you made her feel intimidated by looks or something.
If you are going to try it though, maybe your solicitor could send her a letter saying you propose living in separate areas of the house and designate what those are.
Are you thinking that, if you can move back in safely, she might move out so you can stay in the house? If she did move out, she would probably take the kids with her and she could still then get an occupation order to move back in and force you to move out.
I think it's good to inform the police and social services, but ultimately, if she applies for an NMO or occupation order, that then becomes a court matter and Cafcass will assume she is telling the truth (if she makes allegations) until it can be proved or shown otherwise. So then you get treated like a criminal for a few months and either no contact with the kids or supervised only (which has to be paid for).
That's what everyone is trying to warn you about really. Your wife, unfortunately, has a lot of power in this situation to keep your children away from you. Unless you have a Child Arrangements order. And it's better to get one before things turn nasty or to allegations. Even if you don't get into any arguments with her, she can still say you did or you made her feel intimidated by looks or something.
If you are going to try it though, maybe your solicitor could send her a letter saying you propose living in separate areas of the house and designate what those are.