Very vulnerable and feel afraid. False allegations against me.

[MountainGoat]

Her solicitor has said they are going to be issueing divorce papers shortly but I thought she needed a MIAM before she can do this?
In the event she wanted to try to put a non molestation or non occupation order she would also need to go to court for this too wouldnt she.

 

[winger]

The emotional and mental damage this causes to people is something that many do not see and the quicker there are laws to stop people doing this the better. My whole life and job has been put at risk. It is a very unfair system.

It is also not fair that she would get legal aid. We both have jobs and she should have to pay like everyone.

Absolutely unfair yea.
There's a charity called Both Parents Matter who are really good, even if it's just someone on the phone to chat to. It's worth getting as much help, advice, getting people on your side, more the better. A GP letter saying how all this has affected you can be useful in court I've heard.

 

[Ash]

None of it is fair. Your ex is making these allegations so she gets legal aid. As she is claiming domestic violence. That means she doesn't have to worry about the cost of Solicitors and Barristers. Which is why you need to protect yourself. We can support you along the way and help you to avoid pitfalls

Two guides on here about applying on a C100 - and you can't go wrong then.

How to complete the C100 Form

We thought a guide to completing the form could be useful. This is the C100 form for applying for a Child Arrangements Order, Specific Issues Order or Prohibited Steps Order. C100 form on .Gov website If you scroll down the page you will see...

www.dadswithkids.co.uk

Sample wording for C100 application

Attached are two versions of sample wording for section 5b of the C100 form. The sample wording assumes it's for a Child Arrangements Application. One version is more of a straightforward application. The other version is more for if...

www.dadswithkids.co.uk

 

[Ash]

It is a shock to us all that suddenly, from being a perfectly respected equal citizen, we can be treated like a criminal and like mud and ex's made up allegations believed until all checks have been done and they have been dismissed.

Your ex will be issuing divorce because she will want the financials sorting before the child arrangements. Ideally the opposite is best for you. Get the child arrangements sorted first and get a court order asap - so your ex can't use the kids as hostage over the financials. And to get to see your kids regularly.

So there is no option to go back to your house unfortunately. In the longer term, the financials will be dealt with. What you need to do right now is work out the best way to live separately. If you can't afford to keep renting, is there a family member you can stay with nearby?

 

[Ash]

Keep us posted as things unfold. Your money for the mediator has not been wasted. You now ask the mediator for the MIAM sign off urgently, so you can apply to court for Child Arrangements. Have the C100 prepared and ready to go as soon as you ask for the sign off. Because otherwise your ex might apply first and wrong foot you with her narrative in her application. I'm a firm believer in getting your application in first. Unfortunately sometimes the mediator informs the ex you've asked to be signed off and that would alert her so she could put an application in first. Which is why yours needs to be ready to go when you ask for the sign off. You need the form from the mediator to go with the C100 - without the MIAM sign off the application will be rejected.

You could say to the mediator that as your ex has declined mediation, you would prefer the mediator not to inform your ex that you have been signed off. Worth a try.

If you follow the two guides above, your application should be fine but the 5b wording is important and I am happy to look over it before it goes.

 

[Peanut 21]

I'll let Peanut answer that one, I'm new to it all myself. But my understanding is yes you put what you want to happen, your basically applying for a Child Contact Order, is that right? And so you say what you would like ultimately. But see what Peanut says, they know it inside out.

Crikey, wouldn't go that far haha.
I've just seen what my partner been through past 5 years. The c100 his ex put in was years ago so can't remember all the details.

 

[Ash]

Just a tip also - don't ask for a contact order! Ask for a Child Arrangements order and avoid using the word contact, even if others use it. There are other phrases like "when my child is with me" or "when my child spends time with each parent" etc. To keep it more equal. I'm a firm believer that if you present yourself as equal in that way, it influences people. Solicitors for ex's like to use "contact" to make you sound a lesser person.

 

[MountainGoat]

Crikey, wouldn't go that far haha.
I've just seen what my partner been through past 5 years. The c100 his ex put in was years ago so can't remember all the details.

Sorry for replying to all your replies only now. Thankyou for your advice.
I collapsed at work today and had a panic attack where I couldn’t breathe properly.
I’m currently having tests done sitting waiting in hospital. This has broken me.

I will get on with having the miam certificate issued.
Can the child agreement form be used to say who stays in the property too.
I will check out those guides properly when I’m out the hospital.

 

[mva]

Been there mate . The pressure builds and body / brain just goes into overdrive trying to process everything. I remember literally collapsing to the floor after I reading exes legal letter. Sounds like you need to turn off phones and computers and try not to think about legal for at least 48 hrs. Food and rest post hospital and try and make sure your with someone this evening to distract you. Give your brain a break

 

[Peanut 21]

Just a tip also - don't ask for a contact order! Ask for a Child Arrangements order and avoid using the word contact, even if others use it. There are other phrases like "when my child is with me" or "when my child spends time with each parent" etc. To keep it more equal. I'm a firm believer that if you present yourself as equal in that way, it influences people. Solicitors for ex's like to use "contact" to make you sound a lesser person.

Yes. I think it's fine to use on here as just one word as opposed to other terms but not on statements or with interactions with cafcass/courts etc.

 

[Ash]

Sorry for replying to all your replies only now. Thankyou for your advice.
I collapsed at work today and had a panic attack where I couldn’t breathe properly.
I’m currently having tests done sitting waiting in hospital. This has broken me.

I will get on with having the miam certificate issued.
Can the child agreement form be used to say who stays in the property too.
I will check out those guides properly when I’m out the hospital.

Really sorry to hear that. Take care of yourself. Try not to worry. We can help you every step of the way and you're not alone in this. All I can say right now is - try to think positively. It may feel like the end of everything but it isn't. Your children are biologically part of you.

I am really sorry you've had all these shocks and unpleasantness. Don't take it personally as it's not really about you - it's about a former partner having decided to change their life, for whatever reason, egged on by solicitors no doubt.

No the child arrangements order doesn't go into things like properties and money. It is purely to get an order to see your children regularly, that your wife has to follow. However if can be helpful to discuss how you plan to make things work in terms of where you're living and so on. This doesn't have to be exact but an indication. When you see the 5b guide you'll get a better idea as you can put a brief history of what has happened to cause you to apply to court, but however emotional it is, it's important the 5b wording is calm and measured and focused on the children, without saying negative things about the ex.

 

[winger]

Sorry for replying to all your replies only now. Thankyou for your advice.
I collapsed at work today and had a panic attack where I couldn’t breathe properly.
I’m currently having tests done sitting waiting in hospital. This has broken me.

I will get on with having the miam certificate issued.
Can the child agreement form be used to say who stays in the property too.
I will check out those guides properly when I’m out the hospital.

Sorry to hear this buddy.
Keep strong, and positive as much as possible. I know it's easier said that done.
Better times are ahead, happiness and a great life with your kids, it's all coming mate, and this time will be a distant memory.

 

[hazemaze]

Sorry to hear that, good luck with everything

 

[Ash]

How are you doing mountaingoat? These things are a huge shock. Suddenly everything you thought was yours ...........it actually still is yours, but will take time to sort out what's what and share jointly owned things out and arrange things for the kids. You must feel hugely betrayed - but keep focused on the kids. They need you.

 

[MagicJ]

Sorry for replying to all your replies only now. Thankyou for your advice.
I collapsed at work today and had a panic attack where I couldn’t breathe properly.
I’m currently having tests done sitting waiting in hospital. This has broken me.

I will get on with having the miam certificate issued.
Can the child agreement form be used to say who stays in the property too.
I will check out those guides properly when I’m out the hospital.

I'm sorry to have read this happened, we all get overwhelmed at some point through this process.

You can only be there for your children if you are there for yourself first, it's good advice to step away for a day or two and disconnect from it.

I know we need to feel we have everything covered so that we've done the best for the kids, sometimes handling the process is also our way of managing ourselves.

I hope you've got back on your feet, got some rest and slowed yourself down a touch.

We're here for you, rooting for you and in your corner with water, bucket and towel.

Keep letting us know what you need and put your emotions here, also don't be afraid to wave your hand if you're struggling and need a pick up - I've done it a few times, the members are good at supporting each other.

Much Love my Brother, Keep Well

 

[MountainGoat]

Hi again and Thankyou for your kind messages.

I needed to have a break for a few days. Luckily all is fine physically but mentally I needed to clear my head.
I went down to London for a few days to stay with a friend and we went to a gig.
It sort of helped but then I’d have some moments where it all got to me again.

Each day is different yet I still get that feeling when I wake up and it all sinks in.
Proper panic and worrying!

Unfortunately things have got worse.
I decided to go back home to get some jobs done and collect some things.
I even let my wife know I was coming.
I went round with a friend and filmed myself too. Luckily she wasn’t there. But she was clearly annoyed.

I was going to have the kids in the evening.
She decided to pick up the kids before me and before the end of school and vanished.
I was absolutely worried. Only later did she let me know the kids were safe. Not that I could know whether they were or not!
This disrupted the weekend plans and my kids were taken on a 4 hour journey to family up north. They hadn’t even got their teddies or clothes. Nothing.

I decided to stay the night in the house before a knock on the door in the morning.
The police arrested me again. This time for coercive behaviour and stalking her.

I don’t know how long I can put up with this anymore.
So now I’m back on bail again for 3 months which makes contact and child arrangements so difficult. I can’t go in my home or near her.

I have nothing against her and have told her she does not need to fear anything yet she still believes I assaulted her and all the allegations.
I’ve had to hand my phone to police who will see tonnes of photos and cctv as I was actively trying to prove my innocence during these allegations. They’ll see tonnes of letters and documents as I was trying to find whatever I could.

She’s told a friend of ours that I’m drugging her. I’d like to know how!

She’s also stating sexual abuse which is absolute rubbish. We haven’t been intimate for about 6 months and when they look on my phone they will see that.
She mentioned she wasn’t ready for that at the moment and at the time I questioned whether she loves me and whether in that case we are a couple and married as we should be showing our feelings. At no point did I ever try anything ofr sexually do anything she didn’t want.
She says there are times I’ve pulled her close in the morning for a kiss but she told me she liked that.
When we talked about how to make our lives better (talking about money, arguments, the kids, love, etc) I mentioned it’s important we know what’s what as sometimes I’m unsure if she wants to be touched or whether to get close to her. I think it was important to discuss this. So we were on the same page.
I later said to her il give you all the time you need. And she said she prefers cuddles right now and I was fine with that.
So have got that looming over me.

She’s also said I’ve used the cctv to check up on her as well as trying to control what she can and can’t do.
It’s mostly a security system but when she’s been ill I have looked to make sure the kids got to school ok.
Don’t know why she was paranoid as we both used find my iPhone anyway.

Things like me saying please don’t leave food in the lounge and that’s to make sure my kids don’t do it too or asking her to come to the table as the kids want her eating with us too.
She says I’m stopping her going out. Never done that ever. She’s free to go out when she wants. Only time I’ve told her to stay in is when I’ve seen her looking ill.
She says she’s scared of me coming home from work and criticising her if she’s been cooking. All I’ve done on some occasions is ask her to be careful as the kids were trampling food all round the house as she had not tidied up.
We both realised as long as we tidy up then it’s not worth arguing about.

She accused me of changing passwords and access to the TV. When I was in the house I took photos of all the logins to show I’ve not changed them and that I’ve not changed them on her laptop either.

She’s trying to get friends to make police statements against me.

The bail conditions were put in place as if I didn’t have kids. They didn’t even think to consider this.
This makes it very difficult.

She’s now also disabled the Internet in the house so I can’t access my home gadgets or check on my pets.
The cameras being down also affects the security system which is stated as being there in the home insurance. She should not have turned it off.
When I talked to the kids via video call she didn’t want me seeing round the house. I wonder why!

Her latest thing is reacting to a fb post I put up. I had a rant and after many friends asked how I was and I told them.
At no point did I say anything bad. In fact I mentioned how worried I was for her. However it upset her and probably as she didn’t expect that and it meant I got in there before her of it messed up her story she had told friends.
Whatever the case, I wonder why she was interested in my fb post.
She was going to use the kids to stop me from picking them up due to her getting annoyed at an Internet post!

So I’m truly back to square one. Got this very long bail that I’m worried about as she’s saying tonnes of things. Eg. Her suicide attempt is now because she is scared of me. It’s all against me!
And It’s hard seeing the children.

Apparently I’m also manipulating the kids.
When they’ve not seen me for so long all they want is to ask me questions. She says they come home sad. Well of course they do as they want their dad back home and miss me!

Sorry for ranting on. I’m so broken and tired.

 

[Ash]

I'm really sorry to hear this. All I can say is - try not to take these allegations personally - many Dads have been there - it's a way to get you out of the house because she wants to move on.

Is she back home with the kids now?

Important stuff - have you had a formal police interview? You're entitled to a free criminal solicitor for a police interview - don't use the duty solicitor. A criminal solicitor will help you prepare, and keep things in writing. They may advise you to say "no comment" to anything. Sepul on here was in that situation and passed on some very helpful advice. If you say no comment, then the Police can't pass it to the CPS or charge you if there is no evidence. If you answer questions in the interview - it can lead to bail and they might pass it to the CPS.

I think you need to put in an application for a child arrangements order now. Where are you living at the moment?

The way the world is right now, your wife could be encouraged to make allegations like this about every minor thing that ever happened, and elaborate it.

"Coercive control" is the big allegation these days.

I know it's a tough time emotionally, but let the emotions out on here, rather than Facebook. She could use that against you if she screenshotted and say it's further evidence you're abusive and controlling blah blah because you posted stuff about her on Facebook. I'd take that post down. She may well be watching you online to try and get stuff to use against you.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou for your message.

It is clear she wants to move on that’s for sure and she’s even been telling the kids this is the new normal.
She did eventually come back home with the kids but of course it messed up my plans and the kids were looking forward to see me.

I did have a formal police interview.
I wasn’t thinking so didn’t realise I could contact my own solicitor so ended up with the duty solicitor who knew nothing about me. Of course I didn’t realise at the time this was important.
So that kind of is annoying. I’ve now told my solicitor to take over and look into this for me.

Unfortunately I talk too much. Especially when I’m worried so I just told them everything. Duty solicitor was there too but obviously once bail conditions were announced there was no consideration for sorting out childcare.

I’m currently living at a friends house on his sofa bed. However this is not going to be possible for much longer.
I can’t afford to rent and pay mortgage right now.

Surely the allegations are going to have to stop. This is just more ways to try to hurt me. And I’ve noticed these allegations always go in when she either doesn’t get what she wants or when she’s reacted to one of the letters from my solicitors.

I did find some documents when I was at the house and got photos of all this.
There was something about pensions and then a notebook detailing all the things she thinks I’ve done to her.
She also had a print out for an occupation order.
I took photos of all this for evidence.

It does indeed seem like coercisive control is the reason for everything these days!
The fact I have been trying to help her actually goes against me.
I’ve never assaulted her, never stopped her from doing anything, never stopped her seeing friends, etc.
Can she really say I was verbally shouting?
We had an argument. Couples argue.
We called each other names.

She’s twisting everything to make me totally to blame, insisting I’ve been manipulating the children, stopping her from living and making out I have been messaging her excessively. Well how on earth are you to sort out divorce and child care if it’s not through communicating!

She’s now using the cctv I installed (and that she agreed on) as a way to say I’m spying on her and also that I had tried to check up on where she was.
As I stated we both had find my iPhone on and also would regularly use it.
Nothing wrong with that. And she also knew it was good to check the kids were ok and that they were safely back home.
When someone’s not well and also suicidal you want to check your kids are safe!

I’ve said numerous times I want to be amicable and sort things out.
She refused to do mediation so again is making things drag on longer.

I removed the fb post. It was actually not saying anything bad at all and instead describing how I was feeling and describing what I’ve been going through.
I didn’t put any blame or go into any details of any allegations. I have taken the post down now.

My solicitor is contacting me tomorrow so hopefully that will help regarding the next steps.
I just want her to be fair and amicable.

There is then obviously the fact of what happens next! I mean can she really get me done for these allegations?

Thankyou.

 

[winger]

Really sorry to hear this buddy, what you are going through is not right, and it's the same for all of us on here, the way things are at the moment with family court, means it's the slowest process on earth!! Which is incredibly hard when you are on the receiving end of such horrible allegations, as well as not seeing your own children, and the rest of it.

Hopefully the police will see all your own evidence on the phone and act quickly to NFA it

She says there are times I’ve pulled her close in the morning for a kiss but she told me she liked that.

Isn't this just passionately kissing someone? My goodness no one's going to be able to touch each other soon in fear of being called coercive, controlling, harassment or aggressive! The police won't take notice of things like that anyway. It's just ridiculous how anyone can say anything about someone and get them arrested.

You've got to continue to be as patient, calm as possible. And look after yourself, for your kids sake. The future is full of positivity mate, it's just time, but it is coming. When you're going through it, it feels like it's forever, but it absolutely isn't.

 

[Peanut 21]

I find it scary that someone can be arrested on someone's whim.
It's a real kick in the teeth to genuine abuse victims.
I'm sorry you're going through this dreadful stuff.