You are right, I am feeling like it is the end. The only thing stopping me is my kids but I'm very close to giving up.
She is the one that is turning my life upside down. I realise that but at the same time I'd do anything to just turn the clock back to before this all happened.
I know that it will probably be better once this all settles and might even be better for the kids once but right now I just can't picture it.
I'm hoping counciling will help but I don't know. My solicitors seems to be getting me nowhere too.
I have to admit I am worried about the police matter. I have lost track of whether I have mentioned it or not but she said I've been using co-ercisve behaviour. Yes, we've had arguments and shouted at each other. She may have text messages where when she has done a suicide attempt I've said its all my fault and that im the one that needs to change, that I need to be calmer, etc. I was trying to make her feel ok.
The police also saw tonnes of messages on my phone but how else are you meant to sort out child care. and is it really unreasonable to ask your wife her reasons for a divorce when the week before she wanted us to go away to Scotland for a romantic break and was making plans for the following week as a family.
She's now twisting everything around. For example saying that when I pull her in for a kiss in the morning then this is abuse.
I'l be honest we were having some time out from intimacy and were quite happy with a cuddle and a kiss. When we spoke of what we wanted for the future and tackled subjects such as money, house, family, love, etc, I was shocked that she didnt want intamcy at the time and assumed this was becuase she didnt want our love or this relationship. Theres several messages where I'm trying to establish what she means as to me marriage and a loving relationship needs to show feelings, needs a physical chemistry. I didnt understand and needed to know what she wanted.
I found it important to ask about that as you shouldnt be waking up each day wondering, should I touch her or not.
We concluded that we needed time and I was alright with that. Now however she is saying this is pestering sxual behaviour.
She's blaming me for things like taking her keys when she was about to collapse and could never have driven the car.
And the latest thing is to do with stalking.....where she is saying I've been using our CCTV cameras to spy on her.
This was put in as a security system. And yes there have been times where I've checked the kids are back home! I dont know how she can be paranoid as we even had find my iphone on both our phones so we could both see where we were too.
As she drives my kids around and had recently done a suicide attempt going missing, I said to her we cant have the kids in the car when you are feeling like this. I put a tracker on the car, bearing in mind this is the car that the kids are in most of the time, and said it was for the family safety.
From her latest suicide attempt it was clear I wasnt comfortable with her disappearing somewhere with the kids when she has suicidal thoughts and health issues.
This was put in several months ago and ofcourse, not just now. I told her about it yet she is now saying it was put there illegally and just these past weeks. I've showed the police the receipt to prove when it was put there.
I know I need to try and be cool about all this but right now its hard. I keep thinking about my kids being stuck in all this.
She even told me off when I mentioned to the kids I would mend their swing in the garden, and told me "You will never be coming back to this house".
She's told me I need to tell my children I am more than happy living away and all is perfect. This just makes them confused and they've asked me why. I do not want to be away from them. This is not right telling them this.
I know that this will take time and can't see that far and that it will get better however I'm trying to do one day at a time and look forward to see the kids. I just feel like there are constant hurdles in the way and if I do anything she doesnt like she will throw more things at me that just cause me more setbacks.
Thankyou for all your support on here. I may actually phone the samaitans tonight as just to talk may help.
Definitely call Samaritans that will help calm your mind and bring you back to the moment, and focus better, I feel you are a bit lost in your thoughts which is perfectly normal and every dad who goes through this, feels that way. So yea call them, and perhaps have counseling too, face to face with someone, even if it's online, will help you a lot.
Don't worry too much about the coercive allegation, it's such a common thing now it's becoming cliché. The police have to investigate it because it's a serious allegation, but it has to be proven without a doubt for it to go anywhere. A lot of normal relationship behaviour could be misconstrued into control or coercive behaviour, for example -
"I have to control my girlfriend's spending because she goes out and spends hundreds of pounds on clothes every week"
Could be twisted by the girlfriend/wife into
"he controlled all the finances and wouldn't allow me to have my own money".
Or
"I have to coerce my partner into going out with friends"
Can be twisted and put as
"He controlled and coerced me, he made me do things I didn't want to do."
Just examples but you get the idea. So don't worry too much about allegations. The police deal with real controlling and coercive individuals and there is a huge difference.
Children are resilient they will be ok. If they struggle at any point, you can help them, that's why you need to look after yourself now. Especially if as you say the mother is the way she is, they need you.
This is just a process that you are going through, it will end buddy, you just need patience, calm, positivity, visualise the future that is coming with your children, it won't be long
