Very vulnerable and feel afraid. False allegations against me.

[Ash]

Really glad you got to see them. You are probably right that they want you both together again. Unfortunately you can't make someone agree with you if they've decided to end something. Clearly she has decided her own needs are more important than staying together for the kids.

Was it a solicitors letter that got her to let you spend time with them?

While it's true they need both of you, kids soon adjust to seeing parents in different homes.

 

[MountainGoat]

Yes a solicitors letter that basically said she can’t keep the kids away without good reason and that she can’t be enforcing her own plans constantly on me.

Another letter has gone out recently to say she can’t make decisions on our kids or home without discussing first with me.

The kids have been told lots of things by her. Even being told I am moving away to Manchester. Again this is total rubbish.
She’s told them I will never live there again.
At the moment I have to do a longer journey to get to work and have loads of my things still in my home.

I worry what I should tell the kids as they keep asking about the divorce and I’ve told them it’s not something I ever wanted and that I will always love them.
Right now it’s my wife causing all this and of course I can’t tell the kids that. However if she’s telling them things then I don’t want them thinking it’s because of me. I never wanted this.
She is the one breaking the family apart with all this.

 

[Peanut 21]

You can say something like "sometimes mums and dad's fall out but it doesn't mean we don't love you anymore and none of it is your fault. This is for mummy and daddy to sort out."

She may well be saying bad stuff about you. There's nothing you can do about that. But what you can control is that you never bad mouth their mother. They'll always remember dad never being horrible about mum.

 

[winger]

I worry what I should tell the kids as they keep asking about the divorce and I’ve told them it’s not something I ever wanted and that I will always love them.

That must be such a hard situation buddy, I feel for you, but I think what you're saying is good. They'll see you love them and didn't want any of this.

 

[winger]

I also think, if you are positive, loving, they will see and feel that. If you're wife is being negative they'll see that, and put 2 and 2 together.

 

[MountainGoat]

I’m trying to be as loving as I can.
Obviously I can’t compete with my wife buying the kids a kitten!
Hopefully they’ll see my love has always been genuine.
I wish I could tell them the reason of what she’s doing to me!

I’m just feeling so sad right now. I know I need to man up but this has just taken me to the edge. Every time I take my children home it’s the worst feeling. They just want me back home and to be with them and deep down I know their mum is going to do anything to stop me and ruin my life.

How can I protect myself, the kids and my home? I need to find a way to not lose their home and be there with them.

I’m off to Wales next week for a work project so will have a few days to think things through. Hopefully that will help me.
Though I just miss the kids so much.

 

[Peanut 21]

This isn't a simple man up situation though.
Allow yourself to feel sad. No point bottling up those feelings.

 

[winger]

I’m just feeling so sad right now. I know I need to man up but this has just taken me to the edge.

Forget "man up" it means nothing.
Are you not allowed to feel sad, or cry, because you're a man? Ofcourse you are.
That is just an outdated way of thinking that has been used in the media for decades to manipulate men, it was used in marketing for many years, and is one of the reasons so many men suffer from mental health.

You're allowed to feel the way you do, it's all normal.

The fact you are acknowledging your feelings makes you more of a man than most buddy, you're going through one of the hardest things in life. It'll get easier gradually.

We are with you

 

[MountainGoat]

Hi everyone.
Just wanted to say Thankyou for your support. I’ve got good and bad days at the moment and times where I feel like it’s the end but this place and your replies do help.

I got to spend some time at the weekend with the children however throughout the weekend my wife was harassing me asking when my solicitor would be in touch.
What she fails to understand is I’ve had to get a family solicitor after having a criminal one and it’s taken a while. She obviously also fails to see I’m dealing with a lot more than she is!

The latest bombshell is that it is my birthday on 2nd December and I gave her plenty of warning that the kids want to do something special with me.
Her reply was “I’ve already planned something for that weekend. It won’t be possible”. She knows my birthday so this was done on purpose!

She then is accusing me of manipulating the children by saying I want to do this and that with them and basically make plans. I’m simply talking to them and agreeing when they’ve asked me to plan something with them.
She can’t cope when the children come home sad or if they mention doing something with me. And that is when she starts getting nasty too.

I don’t know how to stop this as she gets mad each time accusing me of persuading the children etc.
I’m simply being a dad and responding to what they want and enjoy. It’s not my problem if she can’t deal with this.

A good weekend has been turned upside down by her.
She also seems to think that she can just dictate things as if they are fact when no agreements have been made. She has to see both sides.

She has them all week long and needs to see that at the weekend this is when I should be seeing them and without her meddling in anything.

 

[Peanut 21]

She wants to be in control of every single detail of yours and your kids lives.
She needs to know about your solicitor even though you haven't appointed one yet. She can't bear the not knowing who it'll be.
"We have plans" is a familiar phrase. It's like they plan their lives in a spreadsheet for the next 10 years.
She's trying to wear you down as she's losing control.
It's madness but you must retain control over your own life.
Have minimal contact with her as she'll twist your words and be illogical/irrational.
Keep your mind occupied with work and hobbies.
Trust your own mind and gut. Don't let her make you distrust yourself. Have faith in yourself.

 

[MountainGoat]

You are totally right, she wants control. She's always wanted control even when we were together. The more I think of it the more she demonstrated she wanted contrrol all the time.

She will have received the letter from my solicitor to hers today so no doubt she wll be fuming and will be throwing something else at me.
My solicitator has made it totally clear to her that she can't make arrangements when they have not been agreed on, can't stop the children talking to me when they want to, must not use the children against me, and must not say false things to them.

She is asking to have the children two weekends strsaight plus all week long. Is she having a laugh! She doesnt seem to understand being fair.
She has turned very nasty lately and I'm trying to remain calm and not say anything bad about her. But between us she couldnt care less if I was dead right now. I can't believe her feelings can be so strong to not give a damn about me.

All these promises of wanting a future, that she loves me, that she told the children she would never want a divorce, etc.
What a load of rubbish. i cant believe she is putting me and my children through this.

 

[Ash]

"We have plans" is a familiar phrase. It's like they plan their lives in a spreadsheet for the next 10 years.

Pretty sure mine did have it planned out in a spreadsheet 15 years ahead! It always surprised me how far ahead they actually think. Later, that explained some of the nasty behaviour to me - she was pre-empting things. I guess their fear is the kids may choose to live with you when they get to 16 so they try to prevent that early on by keeping them away a lot. And if you have a partner - well they're already trying to prevent the kids possibly getting fond of another woman and threatening their status of Motherhood (in their minds). I think secure women maybe don't have that issue but it is a bit of a female competitiveness thing - along with some spite because you found someone else to replace her.

MountainGoat, your solicitor seems to be doing a good job of keeping up the pressure on your ex. I hope it works. You mentioned seeing the kids recently. Was this agreed by the ex? If so she has no grounds to claim there are any welfare issues with you re seeing the kids ongoing.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thanks Ash,

That's the funny thing....one minute she's saying the kids are not safe with me, and then she has no problems letting them go out with me and spend the weekend with me going out on a walk, to the park, for a meal out, and out to a show in the evening.
So she can't say they are at harm as she has actively let me see them.

This weekend was agreed but she nearly took it away when she got peed off having seen a message she didnt like. Once again she tried to use the kids as a way to punish me.

Her solicitor sent out a letter with a load of dates that she herself had picked with no discussion or agreement with me for what would happen over half term, Christmas, her sisters wedding that is coming up, etc.
She seemed to preseume that I could pick them up on a day she specified without even asking me if I could get away from work on that day.

My solicitor is making it clear that since she currently has them in the week then I will have them at weekends. It is also a temporary arrangement as nothing has been finalised regarding the divorce, etc.

I have from the very beginning said we need to talk this through and work together but shes made this impossible as in order to upkeep her "I'm afraid and domestic violence" thing then she plays the victim card.

 

[Ash]

So presumably, all these times the kids are with you, and she has agreed, have been documented - so you have proof she's agreed for the kids to spend a week-end with you/have unsupervised time with you?

 

[MountainGoat]

I'm going to get the family memmber who is doing the middle man between us to screenshot everything accross to me.
Good idea to keep a record.

I'm also noting everything she does that causes problems.
for exmaple the latest ting:
She has got mad as my kids wanted me to meet their new kitten. They got upset as they know I can't come home and were asking me questions why I cant be at home right now and she decided to get mad at me about that just because my kids are sad and asked me to come and meet the new cat.
I'm not going to lie to them and tried to reassure them that Daddy is not gone forever and that the house is still mummy and daddys house, and that it will all get sorted out. Told them they dont need to worry but obviously they do and my poor kid was worried and asking me if I would have no where to live!
She seems to not be able to cope when they ask questions. I'm not going to lie to them so they think all is fine and I'm happy to not be with them. That is just lies.

Just whilst I think of it, can anyone browse this site and see all content? I'm worried she could find these posts.

 

[Ash]

Which is why we have anonymous usernames. You'd be surprised how many stories are very similar. Although the kitten might be a give away. You can actually block a membership though if you message me.

 

[Peanut 21]

Which is why we have anonymous usernames. You'd be surprised how many stories are very similar. Although the kitten might be a give away. You can actually block a membership though if you message me.

I worry about this too. I try to adapt some of what I post.

 

[Peanut 21]

Pretty sure mine did have it planned out in a spreadsheet 15 years ahead! It always surprised me how far ahead they actually think. Later, that explained some of the nasty behaviour to me - she was pre-empting things. I guess their fear is the kids may choose to live with you when they get to 16 so they try to prevent that early on by keeping them away a lot. And if you have a partner - well they're already trying to prevent the kids possibly getting fond of another woman and threatening their status of Motherhood (in their minds). I think secure women maybe don't have that issue but it is a bit of a female competitiveness thing - along with some spite because you found someone else to replace her.

MountainGoat, your solicitor seems to be doing a good job of keeping up the pressure on your ex. I hope it works. You mentioned seeing the kids recently. Was this agreed by the ex? If so she has no grounds to claim there are any welfare issues with you re seeing the kids ongoing.

I also believe that when it's a controlling woman they still feel a bit in control if their ex is single.
Then when the ex gets a new partner, in their eyes that new woman takes over from controlling the man. To them a normal relationship is about them controlling and everyone else towing the line.

Anyway, sorry to hijack mountaingoat.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thanks everyone.

Yesterday afternoon I went in to the school to have a meeting with the teachers as I wanted to know how they were coping at school.
They've had plenty of support and also been asked to be digital leaders for their class as they are great on computers and impressed them with a project they did recently.
I was told some great positive things about how they are doing so that is reassuring to know they are ok at school.

This is good news as she cant say anything about the children being upset or that they are finding things difficult as the teachers are saying all positive things.

I'm hoping that my wife takes a moment to think things through and hopefully calm down a bit as we cant continue like this. Communication is key here.
I'm still half tempted to contest the divorce as my kids don't deserve this and she even said at one point she didnt want a divorce and wanted to work things out. Maybe I'm still hanging on. I dont know.

The problem I've got now is they have been selected to be in the end of year show and I am definately going to be attending.
I'm worried as my wife will most likely also be there. How does this play out when we arent meant to be near each other?

 

[Peanut 21]

The problem I've got now is they have been selected to be in the end of year show and I am definately going to be attending.
I'm worried as my wife will most likely also be there. How does this play out when we arent meant to be near each other?

Cross that bridge when you get to it.
My partner had this issue last year. In the end half the school had the lurgy and the play was cancelled.