Not written a to do list as yet as cant stop thinking I am going to lose my children and be homeless. It is driving me insane.
I have a feeling she is going to ruin me!
I have a feeling she is going to ruin me!
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Very vulnerable and feel afraid. False allegations against me.
- Thread starter MountainGoat
- Start date
Meditation really really helps, and stoic philosophy. Your finding it hard to calm your mind, which leads to how your feeling. Try the above, they will help enormously. It's a lifestyle that everyone should try and adopt at least a little, including ours kids.
At the moment your brain and nervous system are on high alert and you're catastrophising. All totally understandable. But your body can't sustain that indefinitely.
Let the feelings flow as trying to stop them will only make it worse.
Your exs aim does appear to be to try and ruin you. But only if you let her.
The court process is long winded and frustrating.
I highly recommend writing each situation on seperate pieces of paper and writing down what needs doing. Highlight which ones you can currently deal with:
1) finances
Cancel account, cancel DDs
2) assets
Not sure on this section. Others cam help
3) kids
Tell yourself how much the love you and want to see you. Contact your kids when they're not with you. If they don't have their own phones send cards or notes every week
Let the feelings flow as trying to stop them will only make it worse.
Your exs aim does appear to be to try and ruin you. But only if you let her.
The court process is long winded and frustrating.
I highly recommend writing each situation on seperate pieces of paper and writing down what needs doing. Highlight which ones you can currently deal with:
1) finances
Cancel account, cancel DDs
2) assets
Not sure on this section. Others cam help
3) kids
Tell yourself how much the love you and want to see you. Contact your kids when they're not with you. If they don't have their own phones send cards or notes every week
Hey @MountainGoat , think you're right it is caused by your anxiety & what @Peanut 21 has said, sounds like a panic attack.
Try checking these links out which look at ways to deal with the symptoms & underlying causes:
www.nhs.uk
www.psychologytoday.com
As @Peanut 21 states, breathing is a great way to bring yourself back to balance.
Try checking these links out which look at ways to deal with the symptoms & underlying causes:
Get help with anxiety, fear or panic
Read practical tips and advice on what to do if you're struggling with anxiety, fear or panic
www.nhs.uk
10 Simple Tactics to Manage Anxiety and Panic Attacks
Tips on what to do when a panic attack hits and how to manage chronic anxiety.
www.psychologytoday.com
As @Peanut 21 states, breathing is a great way to bring yourself back to balance.
@MountainGoat
LET's DO THIS
What are you doing tonight, do you have an 30m-60m free?
There is no better time than today to tackle this & certainly putting it down on paper is good way to stop the runaway thought train.
We can all tackle this together with you.
WHAT TO DO - FIRST
- Grab a few pieces of blank paper
- Everything that's on your mind, put each point down in a list on the page, take as many pages as you need
Once that's done, give yourself a break, as it's quite a task to see it for the first time expressed in physical form
WHAT TO DO - SECOND
- Write out a couple of headings, each on its own piece of paper, headings are as you would like but a few examples might be:
FINANCES, CHILDREN, ASSETS, SELF-MANAGEMENT etc
- Then run through your list top to bottom & re-write each point under one heading
Once this is done you now have a list of items against which you can take steps to move forward each day.
How you move forward & what to do next is easily tackled with the support from the forum.
It's important you do have a category called SELF, as the problems & steps in that list will allow you to become your best self!
Let us know if you do spare the time tonight & how you get on - getting this out of your head & on paper will hopefully help!
I am actually majorly surprised you haven't done so already, ask for 50/50 don't budge, you may have reduced time in the meantime but it won't be forever, you deserve this and you will get it if you keep a cool head and do not react, be smart. You got this
I am very sorry she has stopped you seeing them this week-end. I think you should put the application in (have you had a MIAM?). Because it can take time to get to a final hearing.
The wording needs to be done carefully so it doesn't inflame your ex and sounds measured and reasonable and child focused. As part of it you might need to put forward a plan as to where you plan to live with the kids when they're with you half the time though. For now you could just say you plan to rent. Do you have any family who live nearby?
It helps to have one main thing to focus on - getting regular time with the kids. And maybe compartmentalise the other things for now. Or have lists as suggested above. So a list could have: Seek advice on immediate finances. At some point when you've got the child arrangements application underway.
Don't you just hate it when you type out a long reply and your laptop crashes!
Hopefully it will work this time.
Thankyou to you all for your messages and to MagicJ for his rundown of how to write everything down.
I met up with a work colleague for a drink so it helped take my mind off things. I intend to write everything down and into different sections this weekend.
pj66 and Ash... I have done my MIAM and unfortunately my wife refused to attend. Most likely advised by her solicitor to keep her whole DV story going and due to this she doesnt need to do it. She can't see that it would have put the children first and helped sort things out!
I wish I could crack on with my child arrangements but right now I don't even know where I am going to live and with all the divorce proceedings I can't make any definate decisions. My solicitor has told her this yet she doesnt understand that I'm going through a lot more than her.
Also received an email yeterday morning from her saying that i can't take the kids to a special Christmas show that I was planning to take them to, just because it falls on "her weekend" yet we havent agreed on anything as yet.
This means the kids are going ot miss out on a great day out that they were looking forward to.
Anytime she gets upset about something, she starts throwing her toys out the pram and stopping me.
Hopefully it will work this time.
Thankyou to you all for your messages and to MagicJ for his rundown of how to write everything down.
I met up with a work colleague for a drink so it helped take my mind off things. I intend to write everything down and into different sections this weekend.
pj66 and Ash... I have done my MIAM and unfortunately my wife refused to attend. Most likely advised by her solicitor to keep her whole DV story going and due to this she doesnt need to do it. She can't see that it would have put the children first and helped sort things out!
I wish I could crack on with my child arrangements but right now I don't even know where I am going to live and with all the divorce proceedings I can't make any definate decisions. My solicitor has told her this yet she doesnt understand that I'm going through a lot more than her.
Also received an email yeterday morning from her saying that i can't take the kids to a special Christmas show that I was planning to take them to, just because it falls on "her weekend" yet we havent agreed on anything as yet.
This means the kids are going ot miss out on a great day out that they were looking forward to.
Anytime she gets upset about something, she starts throwing her toys out the pram and stopping me.
Thankyou.
Sorry if I'm being thick here, but won't I need to specify where the children will be living and I can't do that if I don't even know myself.
Sorry if I'm being thick here, but won't I need to specify where the children will be living and I can't do that if I don't even know myself.
It's tricky, you need regular court ordered time with the children to keep up the relationship. So they don't become estranged from you over time. You can't really ask for 50/50 right now when you don't have a permanent home (unless you have enough space so they can have a room of their own). But what you can do is ask for an order for regular time now, which progresses to 50/50 once you have your own place.
For example, can you have them with you for a whole week-end ? If so you could apply for an order for every other week-end and one midweek overnight - for now - increasing to two midweek overnights (which is 50/50) as soon as you have your own place.
For example, can you have them with you for a whole week-end ? If so you could apply for an order for every other week-end and one midweek overnight - for now - increasing to two midweek overnights (which is 50/50) as soon as you have your own place.
She doesn't want to sort things out.
ask to be signed of with a MIAM certificate and go to your solicitor and file the c100. Be sure to tick the box that says "lives with you", find temporary accommodation and ask the judge for 50/50 for when divorce is settled. Don't let her drag the divorce out. Act swiftly and don't reveal your moves.
Agree with ash in his suggested progression of time over weekends and midweek.
If it goes into fact find, make sure to reveal she was suicidal and has mental health problems hence allegations. Il probably get slated for that advice but she has done everything she can to try and ruin you and will show no remorse. Whilst you can convey being child focused at all times, it should be made clear due to the mountain of allegations to which some are very serious, you do have some concerns due prior mental health problems that are documented.
If anyone else wants to chip in on that they can.
I'd agree with the first part of that, but I wouldn't ask for 50/50 when the divorce is settled - treat the child arrangements as something separate to the divorce. Ask for it now. To start when you have a house as mentioned above. I know finances are tied up in the divorce, but finances are also affected by Child arrangements! For example if you had a 50/50 order in 6 months time that means there is no Child Support to pay, and that would have an effect on any discussions for divorce finances. And prevent you being railroaded into agreeing private child maintenance as part of the divorce. Because there wouldn't be any child maintenance because the children would live equally with both of you.
Also I'd urge caution about raising any issues of the ex's or they could come across as allegations and then there would almost certainly be a fact find.
As a number of people have said on here recently - the way to deal with allegations is not to retaliate, but to be patient, deny them and wait for them to be dismissed. If you make allegations as well (even if they;re true) it will drag on and on and cost more and more and the kids will be in an unstable situation for longer.
The way to get a good order is to always show you are the reasonable parent who doesn't say anything negative, whatsoever, about the other parent.
Also I'd urge caution about raising any issues of the ex's or they could come across as allegations and then there would almost certainly be a fact find.
As a number of people have said on here recently - the way to deal with allegations is not to retaliate, but to be patient, deny them and wait for them to be dismissed. If you make allegations as well (even if they;re true) it will drag on and on and cost more and more and the kids will be in an unstable situation for longer.
The way to get a good order is to always show you are the reasonable parent who doesn't say anything negative, whatsoever, about the other parent.
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Guys I’m sorry but this is the end. I can’t think of a better day.
I don’t think I’ve ever woken up feeling so low and there is nothing more I can do.
I’ve been pushed to the edge and just can’t any more.
A man turned up yesterday and has served me a court notice. She’s applied for a non occupation order and non molestation order. Don’t know why since I can’t go near her right now anyway.
She wants to take the kids and the house.
I have to appear in court next week.
I can’t do this anymore. I’m totally drained.
She’s going to walk all over me.
I have nothing anymore.
I don’t think I’ve ever woken up feeling so low and there is nothing more I can do.
I’ve been pushed to the edge and just can’t any more.
A man turned up yesterday and has served me a court notice. She’s applied for a non occupation order and non molestation order. Don’t know why since I can’t go near her right now anyway.
She wants to take the kids and the house.
I have to appear in court next week.
I can’t do this anymore. I’m totally drained.
She’s going to walk all over me.
I have nothing anymore.
Matey, they can’t just do that! Your life just can’t be destroyed due to your exs allegations. What is she accusing you off in the none molestation order?
If you are needing support ring your doctor, therapist or even crisis team to help talk your round and hopefully feeling a bit better.
Don’t do anything drastic! It’s hard to see it but it will get better. Again, the courts won’t just make you homeless and take the kids away from you on her allegations! I know it’s hard but try and pick yourself up. Go for a walk maybe to clear your head, or try swimming. What ever you do, don’t give up!
xx
If you are needing support ring your doctor, therapist or even crisis team to help talk your round and hopefully feeling a bit better.
Don’t do anything drastic! It’s hard to see it but it will get better. Again, the courts won’t just make you homeless and take the kids away from you on her allegations! I know it’s hard but try and pick yourself up. Go for a walk maybe to clear your head, or try swimming. What ever you do, don’t give up!
xxWe are all with you through this buddy every step of the way. They will not take your kids or house, you have as much right as she does, and your kids have more right than she does to see you, it's just a slow process, but you will get there! It's just the here and now which is hard, it will get better. If you go to your GP they will also help, and it may help you a lot to get a doctor's letter.
We're here for you
We're here for you
Go to your GP.
Please.
Your children need you.
Please.
Your children need you.
Go to the non molestation hearing, do not admit or take undertaking, say nothing at the hearing unless otherwise instructed to by a solicitor.
Prove this woman to be a liar, let her unravel under her web of lies. Get her committing perjury. Take that win to child arrangements order hearing as proof she is a liar, use it to secure your children forever!
Let her think she is winning until she isn't, do not fall for the illusion that she is winning. She is not. She cannot lie forever, it will unravel. Get your best solicitor to destroy her at the non mol hearing. No remorse!
You love your children.
They know it, you know it & we know it.
At your lowest point, if that is today, remember no matter how you feel, how would they feel, if they knew for definite you werent coming back.
Today is not a setback, its just a hurdle.
You will take the time and then reset - you keep fighting because they know Daddy's coming.
If you need to talk or see someone today, then Samaritans is a good shout.
0330 094 5717
We are always here for you @MountainGoat
