Very vulnerable and feel afraid. False allegations against me.

[MagicJ]

Thanks everyone.

Yesterday afternoon I went in to the school to have a meeting with the teachers as I wanted to know how they were coping at school.
They've had plenty of support and also been asked to be digital leaders for their class as they are great on computers and impressed them with a project they did recently.
I was told some great positive things about how they are doing so that is reassuring to know they are ok at school.

This is good news as she cant say anything about the children being upset or that they are finding things difficult as the teachers are saying all positive things.

I'm hoping that my wife takes a moment to think things through and hopefully calm down a bit as we cant continue like this. Communication is key here.
I'm still half tempted to contest the divorce as my kids don't deserve this and she even said at one point she didnt want a divorce and wanted to work things out. Maybe I'm still hanging on. I dont know.

The problem I've got now is they have been selected to be in the end of year show and I am definately going to be attending.
I'm worried as my wife will most likely also be there. How does this play out when we arent meant to be near each other?

Hi @MountainGoat ,

Who did you go to see, Headteacher or Class teacher?

Whichever it was, can I make a suggestion here, draft & send a short email to them today/tomorrow.
Thank them for the time & supporting the children through a difficult time.
Thank them for confirming that the kids are doing well & that they have no concerns about the children.

This is good to have in writing as it denotes you visited the school without needing to have the school respond to the email.
It also gets in writing that the school have zero concerns with the kids again without asking them to put it in writing to you.

I am sure this will be useful to you down the line.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou, I will do that. It was the class teachers that work closely with the kids that spoke to me.
They were really nice.

The restriction order to keep away from my wife is problematic. Let's assume the children have a swimming competition next week as they have had in the past, and I want to go and watch, does that mean I need to be looking over my shoulder every minute to make sure I'm not next to her as then she'l just tell the police.

 

[Ash]

I agree with Magic's suggestion to do a follow up email to the school. Be careful how you word it because from now on you need to be thinking that anything you put in writing could be used as evidence either for or against you, in a child arrangements final hearing. Building up evidence to show you are the polite, reasonable one, who doesn't say anything negative about the childrens Mother (best not to mention her at all) can really help your case.

If there is a restriction order, then sadly you may need to not go to these school events or she could enforce it and that could count against you. Breaching a restriction order is very serious. I think I would take legal advice on that one to see if it's achievable. Your solicitor may (or may not) suggest sending a letter to the ex informing her you will be present at the school play to support the children, but that you will keep a good distance from her and not attempt to interact.

 

[MountainGoat]

The conditions currently in place are: not to approach her or be within 100 metres of her, not to attend her local gym, not to attend her work place, not to go to her mothers house, and not to enter the family house.

If I was to arrive at an event for the children and then she turns up then that's surely her own fault. Once again us fathers are being penalised due to these women taking away special moments and memories.

 

[winger]

Hi everyone.
Just wanted to say Thankyou for your support. I’ve got good and bad days at the moment and times where I feel like it’s the end but this place and your replies do help.

I got to spend some time at the weekend with the children however throughout the weekend my wife was harassing me asking when my solicitor would be in touch.
What she fails to understand is I’ve had to get a family solicitor after having a criminal one and it’s taken a while. She obviously also fails to see I’m dealing with a lot more than she is!

The latest bombshell is that it is my birthday on 2nd December and I gave her plenty of warning that the kids want to do something special with me.
Her reply was “I’ve already planned something for that weekend. It won’t be possible”. She knows my birthday so this was done on purpose!

She then is accusing me of manipulating the children by saying I want to do this and that with them and basically make plans. I’m simply talking to them and agreeing when they’ve asked me to plan something with them.
She can’t cope when the children come home sad or if they mention doing something with me. And that is when she starts getting nasty too.

I don’t know how to stop this as she gets mad each time accusing me of persuading the children etc.
I’m simply being a dad and responding to what they want and enjoy. It’s not my problem if she can’t deal with this.

A good weekend has been turned upside down by her.
She also seems to think that she can just dictate things as if they are fact when no agreements have been made. She has to see both sides.

She has them all week long and needs to see that at the weekend this is when I should be seeing them and without her meddling in anything.

The conditions currently in place are: not to approach her or be within 100 metres of her, not to attend her local gym, not to attend her work place, not to go to her mothers house, and not to enter the family house.

If I was to arrive at an event for the children and then she turns up then that's surely her own fault. Once again us fathers are being penalised due to these women taking away special moments and memories.

I asked this question to the police, they said it would be best to walk away, in case she tried to file a NMO or something else. It's not fair at all, it's just the way it is, for now.

 

[mva]

If you turn up at a school event , even if you show up first , then you would be seen as breaching conditions and being intimidating. Your exes barrister, down the line, would highlight this as creating tension in front of the children.

It would just play into your exes hands. It’s hard to fathom but your ex is going to claim she scared of you and anything you do will just build a case for her.

My exe claimed that I shouted at her in front of school staff and she had to run of and hide. It was complete bollocks, the school staff said as much to me , but they would not write to me confirming this as didn’t want to get involved legally.

It’s I credible hard to stay child focused when you are in a battle with your ex. Every ounce of you wants to be there for your kids but it’s the long game that matters.

I’m not sure if you have a solicitor but a letter to your ex asking that all future school events be split.

This is probably what will happen down the line with any CAO

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou both. That makes sense.

I'm wondering if I was to give her notice (via my solictor) then I've made it clear I will be there, and she then knows and it will be recorded in messages so I have proof she was informed.

 

[Ash]

See what the solicitor says. You don't want to be arrested again!

 

[mva]

Thankyou both. That makes sense.

I'm wondering if I was to give her notice (via my solictor) then I've made it clear I will be there, and she then knows and it will be recorded in messages so I have proof she was informed.

If you had confirmation that she wasn’t attending then yes no reason you can’t go.

You might fall into the trap of playing ping pong with solicitors letters which will cost an absolute fortune.

Do you think you ex would really let you go , and not her , I don’t.

Think you need to let this one go.

 

[mva]

I’d also be very wary of getting a non- mol against you. They can then very easily combine the CAO and non - mol into a fact find. This could take several years to go through the family court process and leave you finachially & emotional drained.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou. I will contact my solicitor to find out.

One thing I have noticed is that she is draining the joint bank account really quickly.
She has also taken out a load of new subscription services that I have not agreed on as direct debits. Surely she cant do that without discussing it with me first.

 

[Ash]

You need some legal advice on that too. I don't think you should be sharing a bank account right now. Have you contacted your bank and told them you're separated. Sadly your wife is not behaving like a wife any more but an ex wife, and will take everything she can get probably. I really think you need to have the joint account frozen and have separate accounts. Although I guess all the while it's still a joint account, you could cancel the direct debits again! Unfortunately she can do whatever she wants.

 

[MountainGoat]

What i don't understand at the moment is that she is like a firework, going off everytime she gets annoyed about something.
For exmaple she is going to be having the kids all of next weekend and can't understand how me asking (not that I should even need to ask) to have them one day in the week is like a major problem for her.
I don't think she even knows the damage she is doing to the children. She is destroying our lives!

 

[Pj66]

You could cancel the direct debits then freeze the joint account, sure she will then claim financial control on top of that though. But if it's a significant amount in the joint account you need to freeze it, screw her if she claims financial control, you just show she was draining it rapidly and that's why you did it. Don't let her take your kids and then the house and all your money. She will show no remorse in taking all of this from you forever. You may feel sad she is doing all this whilst she is actively enjoying screwing you. Don't show her any mercy, she won't be giving you the same.

Get rid of any emotion for her, and do this very fast. She will not negotiate, she wants to destroy you. Do not let this happen.

You need to be ruthless but clever to protect yourself and your children.

 

[Ash]

She's more likely just to stop you seeing the children and make more allegations. But yes you need to do something about the finances and bank accounts.

 

[MountainGoat]

Hi guys,

My kids were looking forward to seeing me and my little girl actually said on the phone last night that she can't wait to see me.
However, as I thought would happen, my Ex has decided to not let them see me on Friday. I know they are spending the weekend with her so I have no problem with that however she needs to let me see them a day in the week.
Every other weekend would mean they don't see me for two weeks yet she sees them everyday!
I was waking up, actively part of their lives, doing activities with them, etc, She can't just cut me out like this!

My kids want me there all the time.

Is it worth me putting in the child arrangement order now? It is totally wrong as my kids want to spend time with me and I truly don't believe they should be with her all the time, for many reasons.

 

[MountainGoat]

Also, can I start asking friends to write me some statements in support of me and what they've witnessed in the event of any future court proceeedings?

 

[Peanut 21]

Part of me thinks yes go for it.
Another, bigger part of me, says hold fire.
You have a lot to contend with currently.
Finances, assets, divorce and custody issues.
I think from a courts point of view they will see you're at the early stages of separation so they'll want to see a pattern of you trying to settle yourselves first.
Of course, we all know that no matter how reasonable you are the other side isn't.
It's stressful and frustrating but you need to take things one step at a time.

 

[MountainGoat]

I'm trying to take one step at a time yet right this second it's flooding me and I am trying to shift my ideas but it gets worse. I then get really flustered and am trying to do my work but beginning to really panic.

I got checked out at the hospital and had an ECG, bloods, etc and they said nothing was wrong.

However I've been waking up the middle of the night with a massive pain in the top of my chest, as if someone is standing on you and pushing down. It is really hard to shift it. It has just happened right now too. It is always at the top of the chest. I've read it can be caused by anxiety.

Anyone else had that? I'm finding it really hard to calm myself right now.

 

[Peanut 21]

Sounds very much like panic attacks.
It's awful.
Deep breaths.
I think everyone on this forum can relate to that helpless feeling.
Have you written a to do list to work through?