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Very vulnerable and feel afraid. False allegations against me.

Thankyou Ash and Peanut21.

You are absolutely right.....someone who is actually focussed on the children and who didnt come in when my ex made allegations which totally put the first social worker on my stbx side.
I am sounding more positive however I do have worry in the back of my mind as I have seen it time and time again where when my stbx doesnt get what she wants and she will call the police / invent more lies / add new stuff to her statements / or basically cause problems.

I'm so looking forward to seeing my son and daughter tomorrow however I have that feeling that she could just stop me and once again cause me a terrible weekend without my kids. Hopefully as I've been told by the social worker anything she does now can be used as evidence and be included in the section7 report. I have 2 more meetings with the social worker where he is going to ask me questions for the section 7 report.

I am almost 100% certain the fact my stbx didnt want me to have nights was so that she could claim more from the me via the CMS. She has already said she wants me to pay via the 20% extra option which I've said a big fat No to as there is no reason to and I've been paying into her bank account without issues until she put this claim in. What is great is that the social worker sees and has told her there is nothing to stop nights.
Her solicitor can't do anything as this is official from the social worker.

My stbx is crazy. I was informed via the social worker that she claims I am still trying to show control over her because I have things still in my own home. Some things I can't move a tthe moment and she seems to think she can get me to just move everything. She wasnt happy when I sent back a truck load of stuff that had been sent unanounced and without agreement to my parents home late in the evening.

Ash, the divorce final order (Decree absolute) is what is coming up.
I have emailed her solicitor many times to sort out a mutual date to exchange the financial document but she has not replied. I am now told she will get back to me regarding finacials shortly. I believe financials can be done anytime.
There may be a way that I cant share her pension if we waited until now but to be honest I am not bothered about pensions.
I just want the house and posessions divided and if she wants to stay put, which I hope she will do for the purpose and wellbeing of the children, then she buys me out.
If anyone knows otherwise please let me know.

There are so many things this crazy stbx is doing that I really want the courts to open their eyes too!
 
Yes that’s all positive re the social worker - but still be careful not to say anything negative and critical about your ex to him or he could become less helpful or say you’re both as bad as each other. She’s doing a good job of showing the social worker what she’s like all on her own 😊

I smell a bit of a rat re the divorce being finalised before the finances. It probably will indeed be to prevent you having a claim on her pension. I’d also be concerned that the division of the house is t finalised before the decree absolute. I’ll see what others who know more about divorce say - eg @Roblox .

They may be going for the idea that ex keeps the house until kids are 18 or something - just be very careful over this one.
 
Thankyou.
As some of you know I have a solicitor for dealing with the court trial that she is putting me through and I just asked her what she thought about the house. She mentioned that courts ruling to give houses to one parent until the children are 18 is becoming less likely and that they recommend to sell, especially when the other party has no money to start their own life again.
I know that stbx has the means to buy me out so I hope she does the right thing for the children.
 
On the divorce, I don't think you can get the divorce finalised until finances are agreed as the courts need to sign off on it? Unless things have changed since the no fault divorce has been brought in.

Yeah I think what you're referring to is a mesher order where typically Mom stays in the house until the kids are say 18 or there's a trigger point. As you mention less common these days as I think like with spousal maintenance it was more common when Dad worked and Mom stayed home with the kids.
 
So the email came through today from HMCTS clarifying a few things...

Stbx has had since last month to apply the final order, pay the £184, and that is the divorce finished and done.
As of midnight this morning, because she has not taken that step, it is handed to me so I have the option if I want to make the final order.

I don't see why I should have to pay the £184 since I didnt ask for this divorce in the first place and she's caused me enough problems so I think I am going to sit tight for the moment.

I almost have all the pieces that are needed for Form E, including the pension value.
Stbx has been in a pension a lot longer than me so I would like it if we both didnt touch our pensions. Is that possible?
I'd like the house to be sold or that she buys me out. I have no other money to get my life going again without getting my share of the house to get myself started again.
From a bit of googling it seems that financials can be done at any time and the reason they say to get it done ASAP is because your stbx can come back and haunt you in the future if not done then. Eg. you have your divorce and do not do the financials. You now lead seperate lives but you win the lottery 16 years later. She can still come and claim half.

I was just wondering how sneaky or any tricks she may be playing at.

Thanks everyone. Your replies are very much appreciated. I hope that once my hell is over I can help others and become more involved in getting dads help.
 
That's talking about a capital clean break. To stop her coming back and claiming anything from you and vice versa. To me, if you don't have something formalised and documents as to what is happening financially, as part of the final divorce, it could drag on for years and she could just sit on it for years. Without finances sorted your only legal obligation is to pay child maintenance at the assessed rate. But - if you have a mortgage in joint names you'd still be liable to pay the mortgage payments, especially if she stopped paying them. You also couldn't remortgage to interest only to reduce the payments, without her written agreement (assuming the ownership and mortgage are in joint names). Ownership can be in one name and mortgage in joint names or vice versa - they're not the same thing (from my understanding).

So you can apply for the divorce when you want now - or she can. Is there a time limit to do that? I would recommend getting some legal advice on this matter of whether you should sort the finances completely before finalising the divorce. I know you say you've spoken to someone but I'd get a free half hour's legal advice with a divorce solicitor (or three).

Yes it's perfectly possible to agree to keep respective pensions and no claim on each other - but unless that is done legally nothing can be proved.

It may be that all you need is a document drawn up that outlines what is to be agreed financially, stipulating that the house will be sold and proceeds divided or alternatively she will buy out your share within 9 months or something, and that there is to be a capital clean break, and both sides agree it and it be sent to the court for sealing. But you need advice on this. As I said I'm not up on divorce but you need to be careful.

It seems to me that you need the house finances sorting if you're ever to be able to provide a home for yourself and the children, so you're not stuck in limbo for years.
 
Morning everyone, I hope you are all well. Flat tyre on the way to work today, just what I needed! Blooming cars!

On a positive note I saw the children on Friday and they stayed over for the night. This is great as it shows CMS that they do spend time with me and as the social worker said, there is no reason not to.

I picked up a few points that have all been passed on to the social worker:

- Stbx refused to communicate with my mum who was doing pickup and said she does not want to communicate at all, yet saturday morning, guess what, she's texting my mother asking how the children are doing. One minute she doesnt want communication, the next she does. Once again it shows her changing ways all the time.

- She has been told repeatedly not to implicate the children in adult matters through solicitors letters and also as it is banned in the court order.
I have since found out she is still doing this and my kids said to me "I don't know if we should say this or not", but I've always taught them to tell the truth and this is where I found out she has been bad mouthing me and implicating the children in financial matters telling them all sorts of things about me and that I am the bad person.

- After an amazing day out (we played football, games, went to the park, made cakes, etc), my parents returned the children and took them to the meeting point. Stbx has finally agreed to come half way! Yes! Miracles do happen which just goes to show she was doing all this on purpose.
As soon as the handover took place, she starts throwing items out her car boot on to the car park saying these are my things.
Once again, this had not at all been agreed and you don't do this in front of the children who were confused. It is irrational behaviour.
Her solicitor had a list of things I wanted and we were waiting for a date and time for me to send someone round to collect.

All of this has been logged as this is not at all appropriate.

The good thing: The kids spent a great time and didnt want to leave!
 
That's really great news about your time with the kids. Yes keep making a note of all the things ex is doing. It's tricky with the kids - yes kids are supposed to tell the truth, but you also need to put yourself in their shoes. They are in the middle and can feel conflicted - and what your ex is doing is creating divided loyalties. So by telling you things ex has done and said they could feel guilty that they have been disloyal - so you need to be careful. In particular what you need to be careful about is not betraying their confidence. I made that mistake by saying my son said ex is doing xyz in statements etc. Firstly that isn't evidence so you could have just made it up - it's just you claiming the kids have said something - so it doesn't really achieve much. Secondly, and most importantly, if the ex finds out the kids have told you, which she will do if it's in any court statements, then she could punish them and they won't open up again. Not only that but you may lose their trust if they told you something and you let the ex know they told you. I made that mistake in a statement and son clammed up after that and didn't trust telling me anything - primarily because he was protecting himself from his Mother's wrath - and made to feel guilty for being disloyal to her. It's very confusing for the kids.

So yes make notes of things. But it's not something that would be easy to make a point of in court without giving away that the kids told you this. The fact you know she's doing this will help you counteract it. Clearly it's not working! If the kids were happy to see you. So try not to worry too much about it. The fact is, they know she is saying bad stuff about you, but it's not turning them against you. They may well just compartmentalise.

It's good to have some responses prepared to things they tell you. As you don't want to make them feel more in the middle by also criticizing the ex to them. So things like "Mummy is mistaken about that and it's not something for you to worry about - these are things for the adults to sort out".

Can't remember how old your kids are but what can happen is kids are just honest and will tell ex what you've said as well - which is why you need to be careful what you say. I remember discussing something with my son who turned up accusing me of something because Mummy had said it.

What happened was she had told him something at my home was the "wrong way" to do things. I had said - people have different ways of doing things and it's not that its right or wrong, it's just different and a choice of how to live.

He clearly went back and told her that! And then came back quite defiant saying no you're wrong, Mummy said it's either right or it's wrong. And Mummy is right.

You can see how confusing it can get for them. But just to add more confusion in the mix, kids don't always say things clearly so an ex can also misinterpret what they say and get angry. Which is why lawyers and courts always say don't use the kids as messengers. Primarily because it's bad for them to be used as a go between, when parents should communicate and not involve them or present them with a united decision (in an ideal world), but also because it's like chinese whispers and the wrong message comes across which can make the ex even more wound up.

That's just generally and I get that the kids have just told you what she's doing or saying - but it's what you do with that information that's important. ie keep it to yourself, keep notes, and find ways to reassure them without criticizing the ex back. Mentioning it to the social worker is an option, but he might let slip to the ex or put it in a report. So the key is not to have the kids in a situation where they then clam up because they were punished for telling you things.
 
Hi,

I thought I'd share an update.

It turns out my stbx has made a complaint against the social worker and she is now being taken off the case.
This means I have only half been able to give my story to the social worker and had just started connecting with her and now we are back to square one.
Stbx has caused huge problems yet again.

She does not want the children to have any contact with me yet not only has the social worker said it is absolutely fine, but the children themselves have said how much they want to spend more time with me.

I'm feeling shit. She's going to stop me seeing them over half term again, just as she has done before!


I am soooo pissed off right now. I have been trying my best and just get thrown setbacks constantly.
My kids loved being with me the other day and just want to spend longer with me.

It's so wrong!
 
Thanks Peanut. I am really annoyed as my kids want to spend time with me and she doesnt like it.
I now have a meeting with the social workers boss who is picking up on where the social worker left off.
I'm fed up of my stbx constantly stalling everything.

I really hope there is a way this can be used against her.
 
I would put something in writing to the social worker’s boss saying that your ex is complaining because she wants someone to agree with her and you have no complaints at all about the social worker who was helping the children.

This is double standards again because if a Dad complained about a social worker they wouldn’t take them off the case. They’d just use it against you.

Let me have a look at the email before you send it. Or are you just going to wait to speak to the social worker’s boss?
 
I'm speaking with the boss tonight who is taking over the appointment I orginally had tonight to gather more info for the section 7 report.

I was going to say that I have absolutely no complaints with the social worker and that she has been doing a great job, that my children have expressed to see me and spend more time with me and that my stbx has done things like this before where she has kicked up a fuss just before the start of the holidays to stop me seeing them, or whenever someone does not agree with her.
 
Well that was a long meeting after a whole day at work. Two hours 25 minutes talking to the boss social worker.
We didnt have time to cover everything so I am sending over all my notes and evidence of everything to them, stipulating that this is NOT shown to my ex.
She asked what I wanted from all this and I said regular conact, as this is important to my kids, especially one with autism who needs routine and wants to know what is going on. The children have expressed that they want to spend time with me and the social worker has noted that there is nothing to stop them spending nights with me. Stbx is saying she doesnt want any contact for me.
They mentioned stbx still does not want to share journeys which is bang out of order. Surely this is not right!
I also said I would like to look at using an app to communicate for child arrangement purposes so will be looking into that.
I just dont understand how stbx can be dictating the show, reporting social workers the minute she disagrees with something and once again causing problems.
 
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