Very vulnerable and feel afraid. False allegations against me.

[MountainGoat]

What do you guys think I should do?
I’m getting worried about this court hearing for coercive behaviour/stalking. Been told it will be going to court.
I’ve never stopped her going out, she can see her friends when she wants to, Ive never been violent.

Only thing she will have on me is:

- we had a huge argument over her buying a new mobile phone. She asked for my advice but then went ahead anyway even when I said it wasn’t a good deal. We had a big argument about it.

- we’ve argued over taking time away from intimacy. At first I thought it was better we show our feelings and that as a married couple it was highly important we were intimate. I later said that if she needs time then this is fine. At no point did I ever force her into anything. I would sometimes pull her in for a kiss but that’s just being a normal husband.

- she says I have been spying on her.
This is completely not true.
We have cctv in our home for the purpose of security.

- I’ve only always been there for her and at times have had to help her when she has been ill or have advised her not to go out as she didn’t look well.

- When she had injuries I never stopped her going out, didn’t restrict what she does. Nothing.

- On my phone I will have lots of photos from my cctv or from when she’s shown me her injuries. I also took lots of photos of things I felt were evidence when I saw some documents in the house, notes that had been written.

- she accused me of stopping her from accessing the internet, the cameras, and changing her passwords.
I took photos of the login screens to show I haven’t changed anything and to show the passwords are there and haven’t been changed.

- she says I’ve harassed her in messages when all I did was try to sort out child care and ask for an explanation as to why she was doing all this.

 

[winger]

What do you guys think I should do?
I’m getting worried about this court hearing for coercive behaviour/stalking. Been told it will be going to court.
I’ve never stopped her going out, she can see her friends when she wants to, Ive never been violent.

Only thing she will have on me is:

- we had a huge argument over her buying a new mobile phone. She asked for my advice but then went ahead anyway even when I said it wasn’t a good deal. We had a big argument about it.

- we’ve argued over taking time away from intimacy. At first I thought it was better we show our feelings and that as a married couple it was highly important we were intimate. I later said that if she needs time then this is fine. At no point did I ever force her into anything. I would sometimes pull her in for a kiss but that’s just being a normal husband.

- she says I have been spying on her.
This is completely not true.
We have cctv in our home for the purpose of security.

- I’ve only always been there for her and at times have had to help her when she has been ill or have advised her not to go out as she didn’t look well.

- When she had injuries I never stopped her going out, didn’t restrict what she does. Nothing.

- On my phone I will have lots of photos from my cctv or from when she’s shown me her injuries. I also took lots of photos of things I felt were evidence when I saw some documents in the house, notes that had been written.

- she accused me of stopping her from accessing the internet, the cameras, and changing her passwords.
I took photos of the login screens to show I haven’t changed anything and to show the passwords are there and haven’t been changed.

- she says I’ve harassed her in messages when all I did was try to sort out child care and ask for an explanation as to why she was doing all this.

Hey Mountain,

So you were arrested, they've investigated the allegations, and have you now been told by the police it is going further and will go to court?

 

[MountainGoat]

Hey Mountain,

So you were arrested, they've investigated the allegations, and have you now been told by the police it is going further and will go to court?

Yes that’s right. And the way it’s looking it looks not good. Like il have tonnes of stuff on my phone but that was when I was trying to gather evidence. I have photos and video of when she’s not been looking well, cctv of when she was in the house when she was wondering round the garden naked. All things that were gathering evidence. But it will look mega dodgy of course when they see my phone.
She also says I was tracking her but we both had find my iPhone on anyway.

 

[winger]

Yes that’s right. And the way it’s looking it looks not good. Like il have tonnes of stuff on my phone but that was when I was trying to gather evidence. I have photos and video of when she’s not been looking well, cctv of when she was in the house when she was wondering round the garden naked. All things that were gathering evidence. But it will look mega dodgy of course when they see my phone.
She also says I was tracking her but we both had find my iPhone on anyway.

So you must have had your interview in custody? Did you have representation? Did you do no comment or did you answer their questions?
Sorry if you've said this all before.

 

[Richie1989]

What do you guys think I should do?
I’m getting worried about this court hearing for coercive behaviour/stalking. Been told it will be going to court.
I’ve never stopped her going out, she can see her friends when she wants to, Ive never been violent.

Only thing she will have on me is:

- we had a huge argument over her buying a new mobile phone. She asked for my advice but then went ahead anyway even when I said it wasn’t a good deal. We had a big argument about it.

- we’ve argued over taking time away from intimacy. At first I thought it was better we show our feelings and that as a married couple it was highly important we were intimate. I later said that if she needs time then this is fine. At no point did I ever force her into anything. I would sometimes pull her in for a kiss but that’s just being a normal husband.

- she says I have been spying on her.
This is completely not true.
We have cctv in our home for the purpose of security.

- I’ve only always been there for her and at times have had to help her when she has been ill or have advised her not to go out as she didn’t look well.

- When she had injuries I never stopped her going out, didn’t restrict what she does. Nothing.

- On my phone I will have lots of photos from my cctv or from when she’s shown me her injuries. I also took lots of photos of things I felt were evidence when I saw some documents in the house, notes that had been written.

- she accused me of stopping her from accessing the internet, the cameras, and changing her passwords.
I took photos of the login screens to show I haven’t changed anything and to show the passwords are there and haven’t been changed.

- she says I’ve harassed her in messages when all I did was try to sort out child care and ask for an explanation as to why she was doing all this.

I had exactly same but the police NFA’d. They also then confirmed in cafcass report I was of no threat to my ex or child and messages were exchanged disputing child access only. So the C1A didn’t stick! My ex also had a report from elm tree identifying me as medium risk and sent my ex a panic alarm!! However, it didn’t go any further at all!

Can I assume that they have found enough evidence to prosecute you? So your ex is taking you to court separately form whether you submits the C100? I know somebody who found themselves in a very similar position and it did end up being long winded. He had to do an anger management course and also some alcohol, drug testing and then also a mental health evaluation. He complied with this and eventually had a good access arrangement in place and agreed he wouldn’t communicate with his ex at all. So, my point is this. If it’s issues between you and your ex and there is no accusations thrown towards you and your child then it could be managed with a good solicitor and barrister. What issues you and your ex has got doesn’t have to totally affect your relationship with your child. It sounds like it might be a marathon for you if they have got enough evidence to prosecute but try and see it as 2 separate things and get some good representation

 

[Ash]

If it's going to court then hopefully it will be dismissed but I do think you need a lawyer. Who can argue your case.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thanks everyone for your helpful replies.

The police basically turned up one morning a few weeks back and arrested me and I had to go for an interview.
I completely forgot I could get my solicitor so unfortunately just got the duty officer which turned out to be a silly mistake on my part as they didn’t have a clue. I’ve now passed it on to my solicitor from the last allegation and she is well aware of the multiple allegations I’ve had thrown at me.

Because I am afraid and panic (not because I have anything to hide, I don’t. But because it’s just alien to me) I just talked and talked. Solicitor had to tell me when to shut up.
It’s my anxiety that kicks in.

Richie…. This should have nothing to do with the kids hopefully as it is simply her saying I’ve been coercive, controlling and stalking.
At no point has she used this to stop me seeing the kids. That’s a separate matter. She’s got it in her head I’m trying to control and manipulate her and is playing the “I’m terrified of him” card when only a week before we were making plans and she was txting me saying she loves me.

Yes there will be lots of messages on my phone but tell me what’s wrong with trying to sort child care arrangements or asking for an explanation when out of the blue I’m thrown allegations of assault and that she wants a divorce. Nothing wrong with that surely!

I’ve never been violent, I’ve not done anything to the kids. We’ve had arguments and insults but who doesn’t in a couple? I’ve never touched her or forced her into anything.
The closest you’d get to controlling is when I’ve actually had to help her into bed when she’s not been well.

I have used my find my iPhone before when she’s gone missing and sometimes to check the kids have got home safely so the car is home but again this is just looking out for my family.

On my phone there is loads of photos I pulled off my cctv when I was trying to work out what the hell happened when she accused me of assaulting her.
The day I came back to my home I got as much evidence as I could. I found documents in the lounge she had printed of a non occupation order, notes about me, etc. I took photos of everything to try and prove myself innocent. Police probably see all this as stalking.

I’m worried if it’s going to court it could go either way. What could I face if I’m guilty?

can’t understand why she wants me pursued by the police when a friend forwarded me message from her saying she didn’t even want the police.
Does she realise the effects it could have on me seeing my kids.

I don’t want to go to prison.

 

[Richie1989]

Thanks everyone for your helpful replies.

The police basically turned up one morning a few weeks back and arrested me and I had to go for an interview.
I completely forgot I could get my solicitor so unfortunately just got the duty officer which turned out to be a silly mistake on my part as they didn’t have a clue. I’ve now passed it on to my solicitor from the last allegation and she is well aware of the multiple allegations I’ve had thrown at me.

Because I am afraid and panic (not because I have anything to hide, I don’t. But because it’s just alien to me) I just talked and talked. Solicitor had to tell me when to shut up.
It’s my anxiety that kicks in.

Richie…. This should have nothing to do with the kids hopefully as it is simply her saying I’ve been coercive, controlling and stalking.
At no point has she used this to stop me seeing the kids. That’s a separate matter. She’s got it in her head I’m trying to control and manipulate her and is playing the “I’m terrified of him” card when only a week before we were making plans and she was txting me saying she loves me.

Yes there will be lots of messages on my phone but tell me what’s wrong with trying to sort child care arrangements or asking for an explanation when out of the blue I’m thrown allegations of assault and that she wants a divorce. Nothing wrong with that surely!

I’ve never been violent, I’ve not done anything to the kids. We’ve had arguments and insults but who doesn’t in a couple? I’ve never touched her or forced her into anything.
The closest you’d get to controlling is when I’ve actually had to help her into bed when she’s not been well.

I have used my find my iPhone before when she’s gone missing and sometimes to check the kids have got home safely so the car is home but again this is just looking out for my family.

On my phone there is loads of photos I pulled off my cctv when I was trying to work out what the hell happened when she accused me of assaulting her.
The day I came back to my home I got as much evidence as I could. I found documents in the lounge she had printed of a non occupation order, notes about me, etc. I took photos of everything to try and prove myself innocent. Police probably see all this as stalking.

I’m worried if it’s going to court it could go either way. What could I face if I’m guilty?

can’t understand why she wants me pursued by the police when a friend forwarded me message from her saying she didn’t even want the police.
Does she realise the effects it could have on me seeing my kids.

I don’t want to go to prison.

I doubt very much you would go to prison so don’t worry about that! Injunction is more likely if found guilty etc.
can I ask when you sat arrested was your finger prints taken or was you interviewed under caution? I ask this because I wasn’t quite sure what the situation was when I did a voluntary interview as the language the police use is confusing. I did a voluntary interview under caution which basically means if they do find evidence to press charges which would need to be your partner in this case then they can use the interview as evidence. If you just came to your house picked you up and took you to the station for an interview then it’s the same.
Did they take your finger prints and did they give you paperwork saying it was a formal caution or voluntary interview?
The county I am based in had a very serious stalking and harassing situation about a year before I did my interview and it was all very serious and like you I was triggered and my anxiety went through the roof! Try and not let it fester! Sounds to me like all the things you have done prior was if anything covering your back and yes sounds like a lot of things like find my phone etc, lots of families do it. Sadly it can then be twisted and manipulated in the wrong hands. However, unless something very sinister has gone off and violence etc and still your ex decides to press charges and found guilty it won’t be prison.

After I did my voluntary interview my ex and her mum went around telling people I was arrested and I wasn’t. It was a ply on words which can easily be done. For example formally cautioned and interview under caution are two totally different things but sound very similar. I lost work clients and some very awkward conversations with people after them going around saying I was formally cautioned and I wasn’t. I actually carried around a document in my pocket to prove to people who approached me. It’s was indeed horrible so I know how you feel as do many others on here!

If you are concerned at to my questions above and not sure then ring and ask for this information

 

[Ash]

You have just explained all that to us and can explain similarly in a statement - also mentioning her health issues and the concern that caused.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou everyone as my anxiety is going through the roof right now.

To answer Richie’s questions… I’ve experienced both. Once I was asked to come for a voluntary interview over something she had said about me. I assume they call it voluntary as there is no serious immediate risk however if you refuse to go voluntarily they will just come and get you anyway.
When I went voluntarily it was just sitting in a room. I did make sure I had a solicitor with me though and the interview is recorded. They should tell your solicitor why you’ve been called in so you can discuss it first before you go in and get recorded on tape.
No finger prints were taken.

On the occasion she had me arrested I had fingerprints and DNA. Basically treated like a proper criminal which is heartbreaking.

Like you my ex believes all these allegations as being true. And I’ve slowly seen the friends start to keep away or contacts being deleted, etc. All of this ruins a person when they’ve not done anything wrong.

 

[Ash]

Best thing you can do is get this knocked on the head. As it's criminal you could enquire as to whether you can get free representation. I know you can for a police interview, not sure about for a court case.

 

[Peanut 21]

I find it really shocking that anyone can be arrested due to these types of allegations.
Yet real criminals just walk away from their actual crimes.

 

[MountainGoat]

I find it really shocking that anyone can be arrested due to these types of allegations.
Yet real criminals just walk away from their actual crimes.

Absolutely.
Now I understand that the police have to look into anything domestic violence related but there’s a point where they need to look at both sides and right now that’s not at all happening.

Right now they’ll see loads of arguments on my phone, long text messages where I was wondering what the hell was going on and wanted answers, questions about child care, etc.

They’ll see tonnes of cctv clips from when I tried to prove I hadn’t done anything, photos showing when we both left for work, etc. then I found a load of documents in the house where she had filled out a draft non occupation order and a notebook full of things she was saying about me. I tried to get photos of everything.
She even accused me of changing her passwords so I have proof of that too showing her computer login wasn’t changed.
That will all get twisted round to say I wanted to hack into her email or something like that.

I can 100% say I’m not a stalker or use coercive behaviour.

 

[winger]

Absolutely.
Now I understand that the police have to look into anything domestic violence related but there’s a point where they need to look at both sides and right now that’s not at all happening.

Right now they’ll see loads of arguments on my phone, long text messages where I was wondering what the hell was going on and wanted answers, questions about child care, etc.

They’ll see tonnes of cctv clips from when I tried to prove I hadn’t done anything, photos showing when we both left for work, etc. then I found a load of documents in the house where she had filled out a draft non occupation order and a notebook full of things she was saying about me. I tried to get photos of everything.
She even accused me of changing her passwords so I have proof of that too showing her computer login wasn’t changed.
That will all get twisted round to say I wanted to hack into her email or something like that.

I can 100% say I’m not a stalker or use coercive behaviour.

There needs to be an in-between, from the allegations to then being arrested. When I was arrested there was no asking me anything, I was immedtsely handcuffed and freedom gone, it's disgusting how you're treated, traumatising, I was then sat in the back of a van for an hour and spent the night in custody, completely confused not knowing what was going on. One second my life is complete, I have my partner and my daughter and prepared to die for them both, and then suddenly that's gone, and not seen daughter for 5 months, while they look through the myriad of rubbish that the ex sent them, which they then NFA'd and said they struggled to see anything at all. Who's the real victim here? I hope this changes asap because that alone, where someone can make lies up and ruin another person life, is truly heartbreaking and traumatic. Saying all this, I would go through it all again for my daughter she's all that matters. I've learned so much since all this happened, and thank goodness my daughter is ok and our relationship is even stronger than before. But no one who is innocent should be made to go through that.

Do you plan on having a barrister mountain? I would definitely recommend you have one, they'll be able to put across the reason why you have these things on your phone, and explain about your ex's mental health etc, in a way that the judge will understand. Otherwise yes, having cctv and pictures of documents on your phone looks a bit dodgy, but you have good reasons, so try and have representation if you can.

 

[MountainGoat]

Winger. That is exactly what happened to me. My whole life changed and ruined over night.
Not only is it hard for us to process this but imagine how our kids must be feeling. It’s an absolute tragedy.

I’ve not got a barrister but my solicitor is pretty on it.

I’m now having a drink to just forget everything so excuse me if I don’t make much sense.

It’s got to get better. I blooming hope so.

 

[winger]

Winger. That is exactly what happened to me. My whole life changed and ruined over night.
Not only is it hard for us to process this but imagine how our kids must be feeling. It’s an absolute tragedy.

I’ve not got a barrister but my solicitor is pretty on it.

I’m now having a drink to just forget everything so excuse me if I don’t make much sense.

It’s got to get better. I blooming hope so.

A solicitor and barrister are very different, unless they plan on representing you in court. Otherwise, if you can, you should get a barrister.

 

[MountainGoat]

Hi guys.
I hope everyone is doing ok on this Friday night.

My ex’s solicitor sent me a letter with childcare plans for Christmas very late last week. They supposedly forgot to attach the letter.
I then responded to this letter and as usual this causes my ex to go mad as she can’t accept that I will not just accept her dictating demands. She won’t even come to any discussions or sensible compromises.
So today (5 minutes before solicitors shut down for christmas holidays) I get a letter from her solicitor saying she won’t accept my proposals and that as initially instructed the children will be doing this and that according to her.

Now I proposed a very normal and fair plan and even didn’t put up a fight when she dictated she was having the kids over Christmas. I was prepared to let that go and as hard as it will be on Christmas morning wanted to be kind.
On no occasion does she try and be kind to me. It’s all about her.
Her theory: The kids will phone you when they want to at set times only but you won’t talk to them when you want to.

I suggested that she can come and pick the children up when they are with me instead of making my elderly mother have to treck all over to take the kids back home (as I can’t go near the house) and her solicitor said “Our client has not agreed and does not agree to collecting the children at the end of the visit and we are concerned as to your client’s motivation in proposing that should be the case.”

It’s called sharing responsibilities! It’s insane they can come out with such rubbish.

Furthermore I’d really like to know what stands as if I say one thing and she says the other then who is right?
As long as we have joint parental rights then we have equal say in what our children do, when they see me and talk to me right?

Plus I even had to make it clear I would phone them up on Christmas Day. I don’t need permission but she seems to dictate it like it’s her controlling the situation and will or will not allow it.

The solicitors letter was vile.
I actually tried to call her solicitor who replied in a very rude and awful way.
Some people clearly have a heart made of stone and ice they are so evil and cold.

 

[Ash]

At least you have some arrangements agreed

Furthermore I’d really like to know what stands as if I say one thing and she says the other then who is right?

Yes unfortunately the Mother is always right. Yes we should be equal parents, but we're not - the whole system is geared towards Mothers as the prime parent and Dads being automatically seen as dodgy. We are secondary parents - unless you get a 50/50 shared care order.

 

[Peanut 21]

Solicitors are scum in my opinion. Money grabbing leeches.

 

[Richie1989]

Hi guys.
I hope everyone is doing ok on this Friday night.

My ex’s solicitor sent me a letter with childcare plans for Christmas very late last week. They supposedly forgot to attach the letter.
I then responded to this letter and as usual this causes my ex to go mad as she can’t accept that I will not just accept her dictating demands. She won’t even come to any discussions or sensible compromises.
So today (5 minutes before solicitors shut down for christmas holidays) I get a letter from her solicitor saying she won’t accept my proposals and that as initially instructed the children will be doing this and that according to her.

Now I proposed a very normal and fair plan and even didn’t put up a fight when she dictated she was having the kids over Christmas. I was prepared to let that go and as hard as it will be on Christmas morning wanted to be kind.
On no occasion does she try and be kind to me. It’s all about her.
Her theory: The kids will phone you when they want to at set times only but you won’t talk to them when you want to.

I suggested that she can come and pick the children up when they are with me instead of making my elderly mother have to treck all over to take the kids back home (as I can’t go near the house) and her solicitor said “Our client has not agreed and does not agree to collecting the children at the end of the visit and we are concerned as to your client’s motivation in proposing that should be the case.”

It’s called sharing responsibilities! It’s insane they can come out with such rubbish.

Furthermore I’d really like to know what stands as if I say one thing and she says the other then who is right?
As long as we have joint parental rights then we have equal say in what our children do, when they see me and talk to me right?

Plus I even had to make it clear I would phone them up on Christmas Day. I don’t need permission but she seems to dictate it like it’s her controlling the situation and will or will not allow it.

The solicitors letter was vile.
I actually tried to call her solicitor who replied in a very rude and awful way.
Some people clearly have a heart made of stone and ice they are so evil and cold.

I don’t know how solicitors sleep at night! Some of the letters I have received have been shocking and extremely antagonistic.

Unfortunately, this is very common and what you are experiencing is very normal so don’t take it personal. That goes for the solicitor as well. It’s copy and paste approach with regards to the situation you have found yourself in so try not lose sleep over it!
Even sending the letter at the last minute again common tactic. I have had that several times. It’s unfair and very frustrating but please try and see it as a game to help you settle a bit.

Sadly until the C100 goes in and you get an arrangement order in place your ex will keep trying to manipulate and control the situation.

What are you thoughts on sorting an application? You still going ahead with it?