Very vulnerable and feel afraid. False allegations against me.

[Ash]

Hang fire. So she wants to cancel the NMO hearing? I agree that it would be better to get a C100 application in for child arrangements asap. And get that ball rolling and save your money for that. Don't get hung up on points like not being able to go to the house - you can do school Collections as part of a CAO and use a parenting app.

So no you don't need to agree to her terms,. but you could agree to the NMO hearing being cancelled as that delays any progress with a CAO. Seriously the CAO is what you want to be focusing on asap as all this same stuff will get dealt with as part of that.

This sounds quite complex - what does your solicitor say? I also agree not to agree to the terms she is offering, but this sounds really tricky - I guess the only option is to go ahead with the NMO if she won't cancel it unless you agree to her terms. But please get the CAO submitted asap as well. This will start speeding things up so you have more control. Once you have that CAO she can't dictate anything - it legalises the Child Arrangements.

 

[mva]

Surely cancelling the non - mol is a good thing in that it shows she’s not really frightened and you have been seeing the kids so she hasn’t stopped contact. Which proves she hasn’t got real safe guarding concerns.

I would stopped exchanging legal letters it just runs up bills . Offer her family wizard app for arranging contact ( if she allows it ).

Get you CAO in as quickly as possible . Her letter to you offering to cancel non mol is good evidence down the line.

Don’t contact her at all except brief OFW messages to ask for contact. Again if she ignores you it’s more evidence for down the line.

I reiterate what everyone has said, you are not alone in this.

 

[nothernsoul]

So what do you get on her terms?

What is she proposing the children's time with you looks like?

 

[nothernsoul]

GET THAT CAO GOING

TODAY

 

[MountainGoat]

Richie, thankyou for sharing that with me as I am sure it is not easy. It is good to see that you have found ways of trying to get through these dark times.
I have been trying to not go to the doctor but really should. Just to help settle my nerves and anxiety. I think you've convinced me I finally need to do that.
I have started some free councilling and in the early stages so seeing if that will help. I'm yet to see, but will keep going at it and see.

The hobby idea seems good, and I am going to try and do something that can involve the children too when I see them.
They really like electronics and building things so I'm thinking we might make something.

Like you I had a good life, nothing luxurious, just happy with a lovely family. My kids had health problems when they were young but they are now active and amazing kids. I was actively part of their lives every day.
Within a night my life changed and I can not let this be the end for me. I can't let her take things away for me or my kids.

Peanut 21....What you describe is exactly my life. Everything great and then lost overnight. Tonnes of my things, my life, my kids, everything I have investedin my home. I can't just lose that and I hope that one day my ex realises the hurt and damage this is causing for not just me but for the children who want me home. There is no reason why I shouldnt be there right now, with my kids. She can't do this forever and I aim to fight.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thanks for your replyt mva....she's not cancelling it as such, she's asking me to agree to it.....so basically admitting everything she says I've done (stalking, harassing the children, causing her to be terrified and afraid of me, trying to enter "her" house which is actually our house, causing violence and threatening beaviour, and thats just the start of it). This would then mean it is legally binding for a year at least.
I've never been a violent man, never had a fight in my life! I also work with kids regularly as part of my job.

The whole being afraid thing is an act. We would regularly meet to exchange the children and she had no problem with that and even days before all this kicked off there was absolutely no signs of being afraid! iIn fact if she was so afraid, she could have left a long time ago or when she made her first allegations she could have stopped me coming to the house, yet I was fully allowed one day a week to go there. Obviously this has now changed.
I also have several messages where she says she wants us to be together and doesnt want a divorce, etc.

I am not allowed to contact her directly at the moment as of the bail conditions.

Question about the Child arrangements C100....... Can this be done whilst we are in a court process for nonoccupation/molestation order and also whilst I am on bail conditions?

Thank you.

 

[Ash]

Sadly I think you are going to have to let go of that old life and the home and just focus on getting a solid relationship with your kids. The more you try and hang on, the more she will say you're controlling and pestering and then you really might end up with nothing at all. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but she has made her choice. You need to focus on

1) A court order so the kids live with both parents and you don't lose them - a child arrangements order - the allegations will get dealt with as part of that. This is totally separate from anything to do with the house and finances but it's the one control you do have - to get that court order.

2) Ongoing will be divorce financials, division of assets, whether or not the house needs to be sold. Indeed if you don't have a child arrangements order first, you may get stung for paying the mortgage until the kids are 18 and not be able to release your equity from it.

I think counselling is a must and will help detach the emotional from the practical. At the end of the day - it's just a house. The marriage is hard to let go of but she has ended it.

 

[Ash]

Thanks for your replyt mva....she's not cancelling it as such, she's asking me to agree to it.....so basically admitting everything she says I've done (stalking, harassing the children, causing her to be terrified and afraid of me, trying to enter "her" house which is actually our house, causing violence and threatening beaviour, and thats just the start of it). This would then mean it is legally binding for a year at least.
I've never been a violent man, never had a fight in my life! I also work with kids regularly as part of my job.

The whole being afraid thing is an act. We would regularly meet to exchange the children and she had no problem with that and even days before all this kicked off there was absolutely no signs of being afraid! iIn fact if she was so afraid, she could have left a long time ago or when she made her first allegations she could have stopped me coming to the house, yet I was fully allowed one day a week to go there. Obviously this has now changed.
I also have several messages where she says she wants us to be together and doesnt want a divorce, etc.

I am not allowed to contact her directly at the moment as of the bail conditions.

Question about the Child arrangements C100....... Can this be done whilst we are in a court process for nonoccupation/molestation order and also whilst I am on bail conditions?

Thank you.

Yes you can start the ball rolling with the C100 - it won't be a quick process. Ok so sounds like an undertaking at the NMO hearing would be the way to get that knocked on the head, and move on with the CAO (as opposed to admission and an NMO for a year which could lead to imprisonment if broken). Hopefully then you'll have NFA and bail lifted before the first Child Arrangements hearing (that could be 3 months from application time).

 

[Peanut 21]

I must add that my partner had an 'amicable' set up with the ex for 3 years before she made allegations and applied to court.
Also we believe she has an undiagnosed personality disorder. She is enmeshed and has attachment issues with her daughter. It's like she's an extension of her.
My point being, your ex probably isn't that extreme and will hopefully calm down after things are more formal.
It does sound like her solicitor is egging her on too, so don't worry too much about their threats.
Frustratingly your situation is just about time. Things will settle and get better in time.

When did she send you messages about wanting to get back together?

 

[MountainGoat]

I saw her solicitor and she seemed to be very hard, no emotion, ready to screw anyone over.

I truly believe there is also a personality disorder with my ex, and have noticed it many times where she can say things that just don't add up or that are completly unrelated. She's on a cocktail of medication for her condition as well as depression and anxiety meds. too.

So apparently I assaulted her on the Monday and had been causing domestic violence throughout our time together....however at no point did she choose to leave before...instead we had a child together, then we had another, we then got married, we then bought a new home together, etc.
Why would someone do all that if they didnt want a future with that person.
Then just a month before this kicked off, we decided to put a deposit down to extend the conservatory.

Just a day before we were making plans to go for a weekend away to North Yorkshire just the two of us and were explaining to friends that things were going well. We had even talked over the summer about things we needed to do before the new term starts to make our family better and agreed on so many things....she even sent me a letter saying that she totally agreed on so many things to make our life better and wanted a future. This was the week before all kicked off.

Then on the day that I got investigated by the police she was messaging me saying how much she wishes she was with me and not at home, and that she missed me. We were even talking about who was picking up the kids from football tomorrow and making plans.
So much didnt add up as we were actively telling each other how much things had got better.

The weekend before we went out to B&Q and were buying new things for the house. The kids were at a party at the time and we went for a lovely pizza lunch out.
Then I heard from her friend that she didnt even want this reporting to police and had told the children I would be coming back home.

I truly believe something iswrong and it sprialled out of control. She then has been egged on by friends and her solicitor and now cant go back. Plus the fact that she has natually got pissed off by the fact that solicitor letters and all that just anonys people.
What did she think would happen? I'd just not give a damn and let myself be screwed over and never see my kids again?
It naturally causes us to get our defenses up when in fact it should have never ever got this far.

I truly believe what she has done is going to cause so much damage to my children when we could have talked this through.

The fact that we don't know how on earth she got her injuries in the first place is also very worrying, seeing her mental state and depression too.
It is very worrying that she still thinks all this is true! Whether she has had a traumatic experience of somekind I have no idea!

 

[Richie1989]

I’m sorry to hear part of your story and obvious pain. Again it’s similar to my story. 2 weeks before she kicked me out we were really upset as we were trying for kids and it didn’t happen that month. We had trips booked and things was pretty good! Just a normal relationship. The day she sat me down and asked me to leave we were just about to go bug hunting with our daughter. My point is anyone at anytime can find themselves in your position and I am saying this to normalise it and again to make you feel it’s not personal. These things hit us out of the blue and when kids are involved I think it’s probably common ground as everybody is trying to make it work for the kids which comes with guilt and some very strange actions and responses. I am not trying to ply down the trauma of it all though and I absolutely feel your pain and trauma. I absolutely think you need to chat with a doctor who could maybe help with the circular thinking which is post trauma and also seek therapy to help process things. It’s horrendous matey where you are at and I really do feel your pain. Please try and focus on yourself and getting your balance. Easier said than done I know! Please don’t feel alone or it’s just you because it really isn’t. Maybe that’s comforting or maybe not but we are here with you. Somethings are best not to figure out and just accept it for exactly what it is, there os no answers to such things only more questions and more question, replaced by more questions… keep strong matey

 

[Pj66]

Honestly mate please drop all emotion for this woman and focus on your kids or things will not go down well. She has ended the marriage, it's over and all the "I agree with all our plans, conservatory and a future" was a ruse to get your guard down for maximum advantage for her. Zero remorse no matter what she or her friends say, do not get sucked into that trap. She knew exactly what she was doing, do not get played, have some respect for yourself.

She does not love you, mourn the memory and move forward.

It seems she and her solicitor realise she has got this all wrong strategically, if you contested the non mol and won and she's lied you could have her done for perjury and they know this! They have such little credible evidence, because you have done nothing wrong other than be a good dad.

Take absolute advantage of this situation now! Just like she did to you. Apply for c100, if she makes allegations same as non mol with no real evidence, they may likely be thrown out.

With regards the the non mol, cross undertaking or fight to get it thrown out on the grounds she isn't serious as she said she's willing to drop it, also use this as evidence in family court.

Do not accept her terms! 1) you accept them and she's got evidence you admitted to things 2) they are insanely ridiculous 3) show her she has completely screwed up, you double down yourself and show her you are strong.

Head in the game now, C100 in immediately, ignore her drama, laugh at it in your mind, detach.

Edit: get the c100 in now so she has a nice Christmas present to open.
Oh and be sure to add a request for an order for costings merry Christmas to her.

 

[MountainGoat]

Hi everyone,

So my kids have been asking me what is court? My Ex has been telling them about court and they are clearly confused.
Funny that I'm told not to mix them in adult matters when she is clearly doing this. I'm keeping a note of all this.

Regarding her request for me to back down and cancel my contest to her applications for orders, I am going back to her with a counter offer..... Yes, I'm more than happy to end it all now and save all of us money and stress, And I will be happy to end court hearings if she is ready to stop and cancel all applications for orders, and to also promise to not make any further applications for orders. This would need to be in writing.
She wants to stop this and make me agree her terms, let's spin this back round now shall we!

Otherwise, it's full steam ahead.

 

[winger]

Hi everyone,

So my kids have been asking me what is court? My Ex has been telling them about court and they are clearly confused.
Funny that I'm told not to mix them in adult matters when she is clearly doing this. I'm keeping a note of all this.

Regarding her request for me to back down and cancel my contest to her applications for orders, I am going back to her with a counter offer..... Yes, I'm more than happy to end it all now and save all of us money and stress, And I will be happy to end court hearings if she is ready to stop and cancel all applications for orders, and to also promise to not make any further applications for orders. This would need to be in writing.
She wants to stop this and make me agree her terms, let's spin this back round now shall we!

Otherwise, it's full steam ahead.

You might be able to get something legally agreed, maybe using an undertaking? Or the other thing which I forget what it's called, I nearly tried to do it instead of going to court, it's done through a solicitors I think, @Ash ?

I don't know what to advise, I think you need a proper CAO, but maybe there's another way, see what others say.

 

[MountainGoat]

Unfortunately her undertaking conditions are way off and pose massive problems for child arrangements and the future.

A letter has just gone out from my solicitor to her to say that I am more than happy to stop all court action and the stress this is causing for everyone, bearing in mind that it was actually her who applied for the order in the first place. I therfore proposed the following: That I will also drop the contesting if she is prepared to pull out and cancel the application for the orders and to not make any further allegations or orders against me.

 

[winger]

Why do you think she wants you to stop court action?

 

[MountainGoat]

Why do you think she wants you to stop court action?

Good question. She has also been contacting my friends asking what I'm going to say.
I very much doubt it is a financial decision as her family are absolutely loaded.

She also knows that bail conditions on me are nearly over so I think she wants a quick way of implying her orders to keep me away for good.

 

[winger]

I wonder if she is worrying about the health concerns you have mentioned she has, perhaps she worries how that will affect her case in court, perhaps because of them she may think the kids will be moved to live with you, so she wants you to drop it. Nevertheless I would just be cautious, before committing to anything.

 

[mva]

Can’t you ask her for a consent order for CAO. Rubber stamped by court.

 

[Peanut 21]

You sound a lot more positive and in control mountaingoat