Very vulnerable and feel afraid. False allegations against me.

[Pj66]

My ex initially said she didn’t want to involve courts and when questioned about it via a family member she mentioned this is what she was advised to do. Clearly many people are advising her.

Doesnt matter whos advising her.

The reason I mentioned I didn’t want the marriage to end is because I think she isn’t well. And it was clear she was saying very conflicting things to want a relationship and then saying she wanted to make plans for the future….. to then be doing this. So much didn’t add up.
I truly believe and she even said it numerous times, that she didn’t want this.
The fact it then got messy as we both went into defensive mode then meant it got nasty when it should have never got that far.

Stringing you along whilst she plans or makes up her mind, to keep you off guard, smoke and mirrors. Even if she was mentally ill, you dont want to be married to mental illness.

Or there is the theory that she planned it all along and she just kept me hanging there sweet talking me into her little plan.
Il never know.

This.


A direct access barrister is so you can intruct members of the bar without retaining the services of a solicitor if you so choose, however in your case, find the best solicitor you can.

 

[Ash]

Or there is the theory that she planned it all along and she just kept me hanging there sweet talking me into her little plan.
Il never know.

Agree with PJ there. I was once in a relationship with someone having an affair. Which came across like mental illness. I was worried about her. Turns out the "mental illness" was just a symptom of trying to keep up a lie and not handling it well. I found out of course eventually. Then it all made sense. But yes erratic behaviour usually means someone has an agenda or is lying. Even if she does have some deep seated mental health issues, I don't think there's anything you can do about that. Best thing is to keep your distance and look out for your kids. Personally I think the mental illness will miraculously disappear once she meets another man she's decided she wants. Don't take that personally though.

Even if she is totally paranoid and imagining you've done all these things to her, there isn't any way of proving that and many people go undiagnosed. But the behaviour is very much "go away or else" behaviour.

And know we will never know what's going on with someone once they have detached themselves from the relationship and marriage and are just looking out for themselves. Sadly some people (including women) go into a marriage always knowing they can go for everything if it doesn't suit them any more. Were there any signs from the start? Was everything perfect at the start? Or were there always issues?

And no you don't want that. Some of these accusations can be horrific. At the moment she is projecting - accusing you of doing things she has been found to be doing. Do you have a copy of that social services report? And how did they find out? I doubt the ex told them she was hitting the kids.

Good you have your solicitor going with you on Monday. A barrister is just a more experienced lawyer who specialises in hearings - whereas a solicitor is more of an admin lawyer who deals with paperwork and correspondence. But some solicitors are advocates during hearings as well.

 

[Ash]

In the meeting before the hearing I think you need to clearly instruct the solicitor what to go for. She gave you two options - contest or do an undertaking. I think I would say to her that you want to push for an undertaking and have her advise the court that there are no issues with you seeing the children and it has been agreed between solicitors when you see the children and that has been happening and no supervision necessary. And ask that collection from school be allowed as that had already been proposed by ex's solicitors.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou.
I’ve tried to keep it a little vague in case she tried to find this on the internet so did not go into details of her illness however I think I’ve really got nothing to lose anymore so here goes… she’s suffered from antenatal depression when the children were born and had depression on and off, most recently these past few months with suicide attempts too.
From even before I knew her she had suffered from ep1lepsy and this makes her have regular seyzures. She could be fine for months but will then have weeks of bad times with numerous hospitall visits in and out.
You could almost think she is drunnk and her seiyzures are very subtle but make her completely spaced out. I’ve had to remove her hot drink from her many times as she nearly dropped it on her. She can be completely zoned out and telling you or believing anything.
This is why in the report by social services it says she was highly confused and disorientated which is how she very often is in the evenings.
She could tell you random things or be with the kids and be telling them complete rubbish or slurred speech.
However the social worker won’t have seen any of that and actually says she is looking well and no risk to the kids at all.

This is why I found it very odd that she was saying all these different things.

I know it’s too late now to change anything and it’s now very clear she has made her bed and sticking to her story. It just wasn’t clear cur which is why I’ve always questioned it.

A doctor friend of mine even thinks she needs a psych review.

 

[MountainGoat]

Also…
Why would the court issue supervised visits especially if these have never taken place before and there’s been zero issue with normal visits and even then spending the night?
Thankyou.

 

[Ash]

However the social worker won’t have seen any of that and actually says she is looking well and no risk to the kids at all.

Unfortunately that is the decision from social services, whatever the reality. In time, once you have a secure order for the children, she may show more signs of these issues and at that point, if it becomes serious, you could get social services involved again. But all this is even more reason you should be going for a 50/50 shared care order. To protect the kids and ensure that half the time they are with a stable parent and have that as a retreat.

Why would a court order supervised? It's often par for the course if allegations are made - until they are investigated or dismissed. Hopefully that won't happen if you do an undertaking and your solicitor persuades the court that unsupervised should continue, along with school pickups.

 

[MountainGoat]

Hi everyone,

So I thought I'd give you an update. On Monday I had the court hearing. My brother drove me in as I was absolutely panicking about this.
I can't believe how much she is playing the system and pretending to be a victim. She wanted to be kept behind a screen, her solicitor said she was vulnerable and afraid and even mentioned that she needed her dad with her right up until the court room as she felt so afraid.

This is absolute paranoia and believing in stuff that is clearly not true.

The judge actually mentioned that in these instances where there are children involved it would be better if this did not go to another hearing and to sort things out, without court. He gave both solicitors the opportunity to chat and the result of that was that my Ex wants no contact whatsoever, and will not talk or meet up to discuss anything. Once again....this is not putting the children first!
Funny that she is so afraid but was even talking about being able to meet up for birthdays and special events with the children.
She seems to believe so much stuff that is not true.

So the judge has made the order for the time being....however I am allowed to pick them up from school so that is a good thing and I can continue to see the children. So that is a huge relief.

She's now got to present her evidence and has 3 witnesses and with no suprise I knew who some of them were....basically one of her friends who is absolutely vile, and her sister who is nice one moment and then back stabbing the next.
So I am going to be presented with evidence in a few weeks time that I will have to defend.

 

[Peanut 21]

Classic move Mountaingoat.
They try and set the illusion of being terrified of you. They need a screen and they can't be in the same room as you.
My partner can't be the only other person to experience this as well.

It's great the Judge has said you can see the kids. Hopefully he can see through the nonsense.
I bet the ex is seething about that.

Don't worry about her so called witnesses. The court know family and friends are biased. You don't need to defend yourself. The burden is on her to 'prove' what you've supposedly done.

One hurdle down. Have a break for a few days.

 

[winger]

Sounds like a great result well done, so is the time with your children unsupervised?

Yes my ex did the same thing, I think it's probably advice from solicitors to paint a picture, being afraid, wanting a screen, separate entrance / exit etc. The court will see it every time.

 

[nothernsoul]

This is excellent news.

It would seem as though the judge has not seen any reason to prevent you seeing your child so her safeguarding claims are falling on deaf ears currently.

Do not bat an eye lid about her so called wintesses.

The courts will listen to experts and expert alone - police, cafcass, doctors etc.

They are unlikely to give a rat's ass about what Karen off Facebook thinks so don't worry about that.

Let them have their little gossip groups and enjoy your time with your child.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou.

There seems to be a lot of terrified and petrified women out there!
I can't believe how they get away with wasting the courts time with this.

The time with the children is unsupervised which is fantastic. I think this is also due to school having no issues.

Thanks for the info on the witnesses. I'm going to try and not worry about that. I also know who they are so it really doesn't suprise me.
They've seen us argue a few times and I'm sure she's shared all her worries and concerns about me with them.
I've also had to pick two witnesses to bring in.

I just hope when they look at doctors reports it won't just be what is now but instead her whole back catalogue which goes way back.
And hopefully if they look at police records they will see the amount of times I've reported her missing and the false allegations...... allegations that have had about 4 or 5 different stories that don't add up.
I read in her statement she may have called the police on me a few times but I never knew about that as she never followed it through. I don't know.

The thing I need to focus on now is arranging Christmas.
How did you all go about that? I am working some days during Christmas and will be in Wales. So obviously have to make plans for who has the kids when. This arranging plans will be done via family friend.
But how do you agree who gets Christmas? Who gets boxing day?

The latest trick I'm seeing women do is twisting everthing to be in their favour. eg. I said it to protect myself from more harm.
For example take things like this......when she told me in text messages she was so looking forward to our weekend away to Ireland or that she couldn't wait to celebrate Christmas with the kids in London this year, or that she loves me and wants us to have a date night on Saturday, only a day before all kicked off.
She then will turn round and say to the court it was to "keep him calm" and because I feared for my safety if I was to disagree or not agree to what he said.....when we all know that is complete b0llocks.
Anyone else seen stuff like this? How can you disproove that they are actually confusing themselves and actually saying one thing then the other?

 

[winger]

The time with the children is unsupervised which is fantastic. I think this is also due to school having no issues.

Amazing, this looks good for you in court. I also got unsupervised

 

[winger]

The latest trick I'm seeing women do is twisting everthing to be in their favour. eg. I said it to protect myself from more harm.
For example take things like this......when she told me in text messages she was so looking forward to our weekend away to Ireland or that she couldn't wait to celebrate Christmas with the kids in London this year, or that she loves me and wants us to have a date night on Saturday, only a day before all kicked off.
She then will turn round and say to the court it was to "keep him calm" and because I feared for my safety if I was to disagree or not agree to what he said.....when we all know that is complete b0llocks.
Anyone else seen stuff like this? How can you disproove that they are actually confusing themselves and actually saying one thing then the other?

I'd also like to know how to defend against this type of stuff. A lot of this happens.

 

[Ash]

Well done for getting unsupervised time with your kids. Is it every other week-end? If no special arrangements were ordered for Christmas then you'll only get what is ordered. ie every other week-end throughout, if that's what is ordered. Unless a third party arranges something with your ex but DO NOT CONTACT HER yourself. Chances are she will be horrible about it and keep the kids for Christmas.

Have social services ever been involved over your ex's health issues and disappearances? If so, then a social worker would be good to take as a witness. You will need representation though. Although your side can argue, these are her friends and biased and only know what they are told, some people can be quite convincing and some depends on the Judge as well, so I think the important thing is that you find good witnesses. And provide as much evidence as possible. Do you have any evidence on paper about the police reports of disappearances? Of course she'll argue she disappeared because of you but came back because of the children blah blah.

 

[MountainGoat]

Hope you all don't mind me posting. Feel like I need to get this out.
I never thought I'd have to do this but actually went to my first proper councilling session yesterday.
It was good to have some support but once it was over I came out and absolutely cried my eyes out. I had to describe everything from the very beginning and it just broke me.
I know these things have to get worse before they get better and the councellor was very understanding and helpful. It's just brings it all out and it has kicked off my anxiety this morning.

Right now I am very worried about what my Ex is going to do now that she is annoyed about who I have as my witnesses and also the fact that she is going to try and defend everything., most likely saying her health issues were due to me.
I also spoke to the kids social worker who keeps on saying that "as long as everything looks fine now, then we can't plan for the future" even though I've mentioned to her that my ex can get very ill at any time and suffered from suicidal thoughts. These things surely don't just go away overnight!
And I have to say that I don't agree that we should wait for one of my kids to find their mum collapsed on the floor before social services wake up and do something. The kids have seen this happen once before and should not be made to go through that again. Even though the social services worker says "they know what to do if they need to call for help". Why put them in that situation in the first place!
My ex has even got the social worker to write her an email to say that she is perfectly able to look after the kids.

To answer the message from Ash....Yes, the contact will be every other weekend. Unfortunately as I mentioned above the social worker seems to be siding more with her. I do have emails where I have raised my concerns but the answer they give are "we will make sure your concerns are kept on file".

I don't have any records or anything about her disappearences....just things like getting the neighbour to come round and watch the children whilst I went trying to find her as a concerned husband and I'm sure the police will have a call log where I phoned to report her missing.
Social services were involved when she last went missing as she had said she couldnt cope at home life and there were arguments. Yes there were and life was stressful but we realised changes needed to be made. Both of us did.
Social services came to check the kids were not caught in the middle of it all and to check all was well with family life. They did weekly visits to check that the kids were not witnessing anything they shouldnt.

I know in the grand scheme of things it is good that I'm seeing the children but the unpredictable nature of my ex and the fact there is a court hearing to attend means I just can't relax. Not to forget the false allegations too.
I don't do change very well and going from everyday life to not seeing my kids in my own home which is my safe place and what I'm used to just makes things very difficult to get my head round. It is very hard to just switch like that from everything you are used to. Its not right.

 

[Peanut 21]

It's not right and it is all very stressful.
I feel like things will feel better for you in the new year. Once Christmas is out of the way it may feel like a new year is a symbol of a new chapter.
Some unstable parents make Christmas stressful and courts/social services etc shut down so you feel you can't get admin stuff sorted.

 

[winger]

Hope you all don't mind me posting. Feel like I need to get this out.
I never thought I'd have to do this but actually went to my first proper councilling session yesterday.
It was good to have some support but once it was over I came out and absolutely cried my eyes out. I had to describe everything from the very beginning and it just broke me.
I know these things have to get worse before they get better and the councellor was very understanding and helpful. It's just brings it all out and it has kicked off my anxiety this morning.

Right now I am very worried about what my Ex is going to do now that she is annoyed about who I have as my witnesses and also the fact that she is going to try and defend everything., most likely saying her health issues were due to me.
I also spoke to the kids social worker who keeps on saying that "as long as everything looks fine now, then we can't plan for the future" even though I've mentioned to her that my ex can get very ill at any time and suffered from suicidal thoughts. These things surely don't just go away overnight!
And I have to say that I don't agree that we should wait for one of my kids to find their mum collapsed on the floor before social services wake up and do something. The kids have seen this happen once before and should not be made to go through that again. Even though the social services worker says "they know what to do if they need to call for help". Why put them in that situation in the first place!
My ex has even got the social worker to write her an email to say that she is perfectly able to look after the kids.

To answer the message from Ash....Yes, the contact will be every other weekend. Unfortunately as I mentioned above the social worker seems to be siding more with her. I do have emails where I have raised my concerns but the answer they give are "we will make sure your concerns are kept on file".

I don't have any records or anything about her disappearences....just things like getting the neighbour to come round and watch the children whilst I went trying to find her as a concerned husband and I'm sure the police will have a call log where I phoned to report her missing.
Social services were involved when she last went missing as she had said she couldnt cope at home life and there were arguments. Yes there were and life was stressful but we realised changes needed to be made. Both of us did.
Social services came to check the kids were not caught in the middle of it all and to check all was well with family life. They did weekly visits to check that the kids were not witnessing anything they shouldnt.

I know in the grand scheme of things it is good that I'm seeing the children but the unpredictable nature of my ex and the fact there is a court hearing to attend means I just can't relax. Not to forget the false allegations too.
I don't do change very well and going from everyday life to not seeing my kids in my own home which is my safe place and what I'm used to just makes things very difficult to get my head round. It is very hard to just switch like that from everything you are used to. Its not right.

Your concerns are valid mate, there's no doubt about that. If your ex collapses because of health and she's had difficulties in the past with mental health, it's normal for you to be concerned about your kids, I think anyone would be. I would trust that social services are aware of this, it's on record, so they will be keeping it in mind. They wouldn't risk welfare of kids. Talk to your solicitor or barrister once you have one, they'll know how to brooch the subject to the judge if necessary. It's not that your mudslinging but your concerned about the safety of your children, so it's only right.

But you just need to try and relax as best you can, try and keep reminding yourself it's in good hands. Even though it may not feel like it, they won't be ignoring what you've brought up.

 

[Ash]

I'm sorry the counselling has dredged everything up and made you feel anxious. All your concerns are understandable as well, but honestly I think it would be better not to contact social services on this matter again. Yes they can be a bit biased towards Mothers sometimes and yes your ex probably will blame you for her erratic behaviour, but that's par for the course. The most important thing is to keep focused on your statement and the time with the kids and mentally detaching from ex as much as possible. It is a very hard situation - it's the uncertainty that makes us anxious - but thoughts going round in your head just wear you out. I found it helps to be proactive - eg get focused on writing your statement for the hearing and then you'll feel better putting things in a logical and rational way. Try not to worry about the kids. School would raise the alarm if they had concerns, And no social services wouldn't do anything pre-emptively - just in case. I think it's unlikely your ex will collapse right now as she has motivation to keep control of everything. But if she did, the kids would cope and it would prove you right. Until it happens social services may just see it as you being negative about the ex.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou. I did mention that I was worried about the children in my councilling session and that it really plays on my mind as I would always be there for them. They have (due to safeguarding obligations) decided ot contact the social services worker to mention my concerns but I think I will leave it at that now then. It's just not easy when you cant sleep at night worrying about your kids.

I'm going ot try and go out next week and start exercising again.
The main thing I want is to get this court hearing and aleegations out the way as no one should be having to deal with this when I just want to focus on my children.

 

[MountainGoat]

Hi everyone,

I'm feeling so wound up this morning!

First, the good news..... I spent the day with the kids on Saturday and met up with a friend of mine who also has kids and we went out to a big adventure park for kids and they had a great time and then we all had lunch. The kids had a wonderful time and enjoyed seeing their friends.

The kids must have said something or she saw photos via a mutual friend or something, but she's since gone abolutely crazy again. She will have been annoyed that I met up with a family friend that is also her friend, but tough! That's up to me, not her. And this friend has made it extremely clear that she wants nothing to do with her after the way she is being.

And as I've seen on several occasions now, when the kids come home happy from a great day out, she gets anonoyed with this and goes into crazy mode.

Until recently I have been phoning to speak to the children every other day and thought that after school is a good time so I can hear about their day.
She has sent a vile message saying that she has chosen her own "allocated times" and that will be when I can talk to them. Absolutely no thought that it isnt just about when they want to talk to me, but that I may actually want to talk to them!
She's accused my message as bullying and pushy which was merely asking to speak to them on the phone every other day instead of her allocated less amount of days. Straight out with the big guns accusing me of being pushy and bullying when in fact she is the one being controlling.

It is absolutely awful. She does this everytime.
she can't accept that the kids are happy when they are with me and that I haveevery right to talk to them. She wants ot cause more problems for me.