Very vulnerable and feel afraid. False allegations against me.

[MountainGoat]

I forgot to mention another issue.....

I received a card through the post from my Ex's Grandparents. This was to congratulate me on a special occasion and I phoned the grandparents up to say thankyou for the card. Firstly, they didnt have a clue about the situation so are completely in the dark regarding us being no longer together. They are elderly so I didnt say anything.
They mentioned that they had transferred some money as a gift. This would have been most likely into my Ex's account.
I, ofcourse have not seen any money.
I also noticed that the card had been opened and selotaped back together so my Ex had already opend it to see if there was money inside. But ofcourse the gardparents said it had been bank transferred over and to ask my Ex.

Do I just leave it and don't rock the boat, or make a big deal about this.

 

[nothernsoul]

Good morning mate.

Firstly, really happy you had a positive experience with the children.

My advice is simply short term advice.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong, but, your ex will find anythjng she can to create issues.

Was there anything about this family friend that she would go nuclear about? Is she a female? Play the long game. Keep the ex as sweet as you can to get as much time with the children as possible. Dont be the one to appear to be the issue, even though you might not be. Build up the quality time before hearings.

Don't look for small wins.

Eyes on the big one.

It's illegal to open mail addressed to someone else.

You won't be able to prove this.

Ask if there's been a bank transfer and then leave it.

 

[Ash]

Good on you for not upsetting the elderly ex grandparents. I would leave it. It's a shame but it's the way it is.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou.

What do you think I should do regarding phoning to speak to the kids as she cant be making rules for when I can chat to the kids and imposing what days...for example one day she suggested I'm not even back from work. She likes to dictate things but will accuse me of bullying or harassing if I even challenge her. She doesnt seem to understand the words being fair and respectful to both of us.

Cant get a child agreement at the moment as divorce still going through and not sure where I wil live or what is happening.

 

[Ash]

Yes you can get a child arrangement at the moment because you're separated and the children's needs are a priority. You can also have it as a progressing order, so it is one schedule now and progresses to a different one once you have your own place - if necessary. But I would go for as much time as you can now.

Unfortunately your ex IS dictating - so she can - until something formal is in place. It's better if they are agreed times rather than spontaneous.

 

[nothernsoul]

Sasly it's the situation so many of us have been in.

Your ex can dictate and will dictate.

She will not be reasonable

She's putting her needs above the needs of her children. She's twisted.

You can attempt to be reasonable for sure.

Just don't expect her to bw, she won't.

Don't rise to it.


In time you will become ambivalent to her nonsense. It's so, so difficult, but it will pass.

I feel as though you are setting yourself up to be knocked down sometimes. Don't let it affect you.

You're making progress and, in time, you'll get there for your child.

 

[winger]

Hi everyone,

I'm feeling so wound up this morning!

First, the good news..... I spent the day with the kids on Saturday and met up with a friend of mine who also has kids and we went out to a big adventure park for kids and they had a great time and then we all had lunch. The kids had a wonderful time and enjoyed seeing their friends.

The kids must have said something or she saw photos via a mutual friend or something, but she's since gone abolutely crazy again. She will have been annoyed that I met up with a family friend that is also her friend, but tough! That's up to me, not her. And this friend has made it extremely clear that she wants nothing to do with her after the way she is being.

And as I've seen on several occasions now, when the kids come home happy from a great day out, she gets anonoyed with this and goes into crazy mode.

Until recently I have been phoning to speak to the children every other day and thought that after school is a good time so I can hear about their day.
She has sent a vile message saying that she has chosen her own "allocated times" and that will be when I can talk to them. Absolutely no thought that it isnt just about when they want to talk to me, but that I may actually want to talk to them!
She's accused my message as bullying and pushy which was merely asking to speak to them on the phone every other day instead of her allocated less amount of days. Straight out with the big guns accusing me of being pushy and bullying when in fact she is the one being controlling.

It is absolutely awful. She does this everytime.
she can't accept that the kids are happy when they are with me and that I haveevery right to talk to them. She wants ot cause more problems for me.

Wow well she clearly feels she is losing control, and obviously hates the fact you're having a nice time with a friend with your kids. I'd almost see this as positive, in a funny way, it means you've gotten to her, and she's realising she doesn't and cannot control you, but is trying everything, even to the point of allocating time for phone calls on her terms!

Keep going buddy you're doing well, your day sounds wonderful I can't wait to be a able to go to the park again with my daughter.

 

[Peanut 21]

You have got a huge positive in your favour at the moment.
You are seeing your kids and proving you're a good dad and your kids are saying they want to see you. And your ex is 'allowing' you to see them.
The family court will see this and if your ex breaches any future orders that are made she will need a good reason as to why.
Get the order in motion. As Ash says, it can be one that progresses once you get yourself back on your feet.
This happens all the time. Dads who have to move in with friends or family temporarily can have their kids stay there too.

 

[MountainGoat]

I can’t do this. Ex has told me I will no longer be having any contact in the week or any phone calls.
I’m hearing everyone talking and looking forward to Christmas and every time I see Christmas stuff or hear Christmas songs I’m in pieces as only last year we were putting up the tree and dancing around with the kids to Christmas music.
My children mean the world to me but they are slowly being taken away from me.
I try to keep going but I can’t.

 

[Peanut 21]

So does she mean you can't physically see the kids? Just during the week or totally?
Sounds par for the course in this situation. This is why you need a formal CAO.
Christmas is wonderful when things are good but absolute sh**e when things are bad.
It's generally a dreadful time of year anyway. Cold and dark. And it's tough for when families are apart or someone has passed away.
This time in 4 weeks it will be over.
All your ex is doing is showing up how unreasonable she is being. Add it to your notes.
Allow yourself to feel down and let the feelings work through your system.

 

[MountainGoat]

Thanks Peanut. I am going to write it all in my notes this evening.

It's obviously meant to be a shitty day today as I've just been scammed on amazon too. Just what I needed!

 

[Ash]

Hang in there Mountaingoat. What happened at the hearing? Or is it this coming Monday? This is why you need to put in the C100 for a Child Arrangements order - so your ex can't dictate when you can and can't see the kids.

Phone the Samaritans whenever you need to if it's becoming overwhelming. Please try to think that this is just "now" and the future will be better. Christmas is an incredibly hard time of year in this situation - you are not alone there. And there is always someone on here. You just need to do Christmas "differently". I am sure you will get to see them at some point over the holidays, but you'll need to make some plans to do things a bit differently this year. Friends can be amazing in these situations. Is there anyone you can stay with?

 

[Richie1989]

I can’t do this. Ex has told me I will no longer be having any contact in the week or any phone calls.
I’m hearing everyone talking and looking forward to Christmas and every time I see Christmas stuff or hear Christmas songs I’m in pieces as only last year we were putting up the tree and dancing around with the kids to Christmas music.
My children mean the world to me but they are slowly being taken away from me.
I try to keep going but I can’t.

Mate, it was exactly same for me last year. I thought it wouldn’t get any better but believe me it does. Maybe this year is a write off but next year you can make up for it and spoil then rotten. It’s a grind on your well-being it really is and I really do feel for you. Keep thinking short term loss for long term gain. Karma is a bitch! Keep believing and keep strong. One day at a time and before you know it time will have passed. Don’t give up your kids need you

 

[MountainGoat]

Hi everyone.
Thought I’d give an update. Been trying to keep busy and have had a trip away for work so only now am I catching up on things.
Also had my auntie pass away last week so had to head over somewhere for that so been a bit crazy. Not what you want to happen at this time but we sort of knew it was coming. I guess she’s in a better place now.

So regarding my case….currently my witnesses are having to write statements for court which is set for start of January.

I’m also going to have to submit my statement.

This is to contest a non molestation order and non occupation order.

Today she was meant to get all her statements to the court but instead her solicitor has emailed mine to say she doesn’t want to persue this anymore and wants me to reconsider and agree to her original terms.
I have a week to answer back.

What should I do?
I’m meant to be in away again next week and could do without this.

My solicitor has mentioned it is quite bad of her to do this when her statement was meant to be in.

Thankyou.

 

[nothernsoul]

One moment here...

Sounds like she's saying, agree to my terms and I'll stop lying about you.

No thank you.

Remind us what her original terms were?

She's a bully and a control freak.

Spineless too.

 

[MountainGoat]

That seems to be exactly it!

She was meant to have her statement handed in to the court.....this hasnt happened. She's stalling things.
The letter from her solicititor is all about....think of the children, you don't want the high court fees, it is better for everyone to avoid courts, that it will take a long time so best to avoid it all, that it won't let you focus on divorce and childcare arrangements, etc. Basically anything they can think of.....right down to threatening that if we continue they will attempt to get me to pay for her legal costs.

Her original terms were:
- No longer able to call them or see them unless pre-arranged with her according to her terms. At no point was I ever consulted on what would work for me or suggesting a plan that is fair for both parties.
- No longer being allowed to pick my daughter and son from school.
- Not allowed to see them in their own home
- Not allow me anywhere near my home
- Not to use any violence, pester or to harass her. - What violence?!!?!?!?!?!!?!??!
- Not to contact her (How the hell is that going to make child arrangements easier?!!!)
- Not to harass or pester the children - Based on what!!!! Total BS!
- Not to access my home devices via the internet. Such as my home security systems. (Clearly got no clue that since she's cancelled our Internet it stops you from communicating with your devices. Muppets.)

It is very much bullying and everything she sends is always dictating, never trying to come together to make joint reasonable plans for the children.
For example she will say this will be the day they talk to you. Not a thought about whether that is good for me or if actually I might want to talk to them, not just when they want to talk to me.
Or saying that you will see them on Wednesdays. Did we talk about this? Did we mutually agree? No.
And now when I try and make my plans, she refuses to let me get anywhere by not communicating so I end up spending weeks without seeing them as she has not communicated anything to me.

Every day I'm waking up to this BS and its wearing me down. Cant keep going.

 

[Richie1989]

That seems to be exactly it!

She was meant to have her statement handed in to the court.....this hasnt happened. She's stalling things.
The letter from her solicititor is all about....think of the children, you don't want the high court fees, it is better for everyone to avoid courts, that it will take a long time so best to avoid it all, that it won't let you focus on divorce and childcare arrangements, etc. Basically anything they can think of.....right down to threatening that if we continue they will attempt to get me to pay for her legal costs.

Her original terms were:
- No longer able to call them or see them unless pre-arranged with her according to her terms. At no point was I ever consulted on what would work for me or suggesting a plan that is fair for both parties.
- No longer being allowed to pick my daughter and son from school.
- Not allowed to see them in their own home
- Not allow me anywhere near my home
- Not to use any violence, pester or to harass her. - What violence?!!?!?!?!?!!?!??!
- Not to contact her (How the hell is that going to make child arrangements easier?!!!)
- Not to harass or pester the children - Based on what!!!! Total BS!
- Not to access my home devices via the internet. Such as my home security systems. (Clearly got no clue that since she's cancelled our Internet it stops you from communicating with your devices. Muppets.)

It is very much bullying and everything she sends is always dictating, never trying to come together to make joint reasonable plans for the children.
For example she will say this will be the day they talk to you. Not a thought about whether that is good for me or if actually I might want to talk to them, not just when they want to talk to me.
Or saying that you will see them on Wednesdays. Did we talk about this? Did we mutually agree? No.
And now when I try and make my plans, she refuses to let me get anywhere by not communicating so I end up spending weeks without seeing them as she has not communicated anything to me.

Every day I'm waking up to this BS and its wearing me down. Cant keep going.

Mate, it’s a pattern when the ex wants to control everything. So standard to many other situations. This resonates and is very similar to what position I found myself in. Almost copy and paste!
However is sounds to me like the reality of costings might have hit your ex! My has a very wealthy mum so cotinga was used a tactic to make me buckle which it didn’t. I have sold my car, van, house contents, spent all my savings, borrowed, maxed overdrafts and I would be willing to sell a kidney if need be. I would say if you have the money or willing to do what ever it takes then get that C100 submitted ASAP for the good of your little one. I’m 30k deep and still got final hearing to go. She can’t dictate and she can’t control your relationship with your kid!! She just can’t!! The fact she’s done a 180 days to me she has little evidence aswell as maybe not being able to afford it in reality. She’s fuelled by anger and resent which again I will say is unsustainable. I wouldn’t do a deal with somebody who is trying to stop me from seeing my daughter! Don’t let her get away with it and strike while she is in doubt. Saying this though if you do make an application get strapped in. It will probably get worse before it gets better and it won’t happen over night. I understand your confusion but an application and ultimately a final order will prevent her control in future and allow you to build the relationship your child and you deserve. It’s easy for me to say with me being on the home straight so I don’t want to convince you without saying it won’t be easy but the reward is the end goal. Just keep thinking to yourself this is the person who is trying to stop me from seeing my child and allow that to be motivation for you. She sounds very similar to my ex using coercive behaviour and hoping you keep being confused and hurt with it all in hope you break and give in. Giving her what she wants and allowing her to control. Again, me personally I would get that C100 submitted ASAP and get your day in court. Make her squirm like she’s made you!! These people don’t deserve your kindness or consideration. But again do what you think is right and what you can emotionally cope with. Keep strong matey

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou Richie.
It is truly evil that people can do this and its making me ill. I will end up in hospital again if this continues!
I just can't understand how people can get like this.
If only she had not done any allegations and we had talked things through we could have made this a lot less messy than it is now.

What I think is very unfair is that she will have got most of her legal proceedings for absolutely nothing! This little loop hole that everyone seems to be using....mention the words Domestic violence and it's green light. Tax payers money where she will be laughing all the way.

I will get in touch with my solicitor ASAP and as you say, she cant keep doing this. I do want it to stop.

 

[Peanut 21]

It's another tactic to make you feel bad.
She's not thinking of the kids at all in this, it's all about her feelings.
My partner had loads of letters from the exs solicitor at the start basically saying "just admit you were abusive and this will all go away".
There's no way the solicitors want a cut and dry resolution because it's easy money.
This is why it's probably best to wrap up using a solicitor and use a barrister for hearings.
My partner got quoted £10-15k a few years back for standard representation after his ex put in a c100.
He couldn't afford it.

It may not help you now, but looking back, my partner has been through hell.

1) He had to leave his house and everything he invested in it. He paid a huge deposit for it, she was in debt so couldn't.
2) He lost most of the stuff he owned in the house as she made it difficult to get stuff.
3) He had to give up seeing his kids every day. Like you, he used to do all the usual dad stuff.
4) He has jumped through every hoop in relation to court. Contact Centre, courses, supported by family.
5) Every year since 2019 he's had months at a time, apart from his kids due to the ex breaching.
6) He's had to stand tall through false allegations and face so called family and friends who haven't believed him.
7) He has been alienated from his daughter.

He's just a normal bloke. If he can do it, you can do it!!

 

[Richie1989]

Thankyou Richie.
It is truly evil that people can do this and its making me ill. I will end up in hospital again if this continues!
I just can't understand how people can get like this.
If only she had not done any allegations and we had talked things through we could have made this a lot less messy than it is now.

What I think is very unfair is that she will have got most of her legal proceedings for absolutely nothing! This little loop hole that everyone seems to be using....mention the words Domestic violence and it's green light. Tax payers money where she will be laughing all the way.

I will get in touch with my solicitor ASAP and as you say, she cant keep doing this. I do want it to stop.

Yes, it seems solicitors are lapping up the change in legal aid since it was awarded for DV cases. I can’t express enough how standard this is and you are not alone. You are one of many so try and see it as normal rather than it being unique to you. I couldn’t believe the amount of people impersonally knew who went through something very similar once i opened up about things. I went to the doctor and was prescribed anxiety tablets to help with it all and it has helped. I also got therapy to help me process it all and helped work with my triggers which my ex is an expert at manipulating! I’m still in therapy which I can’t recommend enough. Next month I start specialist therapy with elm foundation. With somebody who specialises in emotional and psychological abuse. They have given me 20 free hours. It’s ok not to be ok and getting help with it all will only benefit you and your little one. I have also read several books on co parenting with a narcissist which has really helped me break down my approach with my ex as well. Understanding her triggers is key as well moving forward in hope not to alarm the spiders web. I also found picking up new hobbies helped. Started playing drums again and 7-a side footy. Talk to family and as many friends as possible even if you do their head in. Keep talking and get it off your chest and your head around it. It’s really hard but try and seek positives amongst all the negatives. Like you I lost everything! My business which I built up over 12 years destroyed but covid, then my ex stared having an affair, then I was kicked out of martial home and locks changed, all I was given was the clothes I owned in black bags. Everything I own is still in the marital home and everything I worked for over the years is still in the house. Then I had my 3 year old daughter taken away from me. I went from a very stable income and house to living back on my parents settee at 42 year old. Like Peanut says I am just a normal guy as well so if I can build my self up then I’m more than sure you can. I lost motivation with work for months! I struggled to even look at my daughters belongings without it making me really emotional. I would cry when I needed to and there is no shame in saying that. It’s heartbreaking mate and we have all been there. Power to you and sending positive vibes. Keep your head up! Be proud of yourself and be kind to yourself. Your in the fog period but trust me it does clear and it’s in your hands even if it doesn’t feel like that at the moment