My Story - As it Happens

[DB2021]

Just wanted to let you know I'm feeling more positive this week.

The above helped to steady the ship & my counselling session this week was good, it's helped remind me to focus on myself, nothing is permanent, I am continuing to do the best I can for my children. If I've made a few mis-steps along the way, it's fine, I am still here & still able to help to help my children when they need it - so I just adjust & change so as not to make the same mistakes again.

We can be our own worst critic & that is helpful on occasion but it's important to continue to lean on our support networks so that we can continue to move forward one step at a time.

Thanks All, Much Love.

Keep strong Magic.

It is a very tough road to go down but one we can and must navigate because our kids are the most important.

You will have low moments I still do but there very few and far between these days keep yourself busy focus on work and make sure you take time for yourself.

Your doing everything right and that’s all we can do but don’t beat yourself up when you have slips or you have low moments it’s natural when dealing with the pain of our kids not being allowed to live a normal life with us.

The problem is bitter women who despite acting like parents of the year are the worst type and karma will say hello to them one day.

You will be surprised just how strong you are keep smashing it mate.

 

[MagicJ]

Hi All,

So, It's been a few weeks since I added to my story, I thought I'd take the time to give a little update.

I've had my Cafcass call, it was a bizarre experience, was very short, led by all the usual questions then followed up by a number of allegations.
There was a little bit of panic in the moment, even though it was a short call and there were a few questions I should have answered differently.
In my case, none of the prep on history and time was useful except for responding to what the girls were like & the forum advice on keeping calm.

I'll know the outcome in full of the call & it's impact on my case in the next week or two.

Aside from this, I have found myself questioning everything about me, my values & what has brought me to where I find myself in life.
This is very much a central part of one's Mental & Emotional wellbeing as, in the wrong frame of mind, we can find ourselves spiralling.

As a healthy outlet for all of us, it is important to be able to openly discuss where we are in ourselves & how we cope & find balance as we move forward.
So I've started several threads to explore these themes both myself and for everyone else on the forum, feel free to drop in & have a conversation.

Whatever makes you comfortable!

Much Love - MagicJ

 

[Resolute]

Hi All,

So, It's been a few weeks since I added to my story, I thought I'd take the time to give a little update.

I've had my Cafcass call, it was a bizarre experience, was very short, led by all the usual questions then followed up by a number of allegations.
There was a little bit of panic in the moment, even though it was a short call and there were a few questions I should have answered differently.
In my case, none of the prep on history and time was useful except for responding to what the girls were like & the forum advice on keeping calm.

I'll know the outcome in full of the call & it's impact on my case in the next week or two.

Aside from this, I have found myself questioning everything about me, my values & what has brought me to where I find myself in life.
This is very much a central part of one's Mental & Emotional wellbeing as, in the wrong frame of mind, we can find ourselves spiralling.

As a healthy outlet for all of us, it is important to be able to openly discuss where we are in ourselves & how we cope & find balance as we move forward.
So I've started several threads to explore these themes both myself and for everyone else on the forum, feel free to drop in & have a conversation.

Whatever makes you comfortable!

Much Love - MagicJ

Sorry to hear that allegations have come into the mix. It sounds like you have kept your head level despite how horrifying that must have been.

For what it is worth, I've had so many allegations thrown at me and repeated attempts to put my child in a 'Contact' Centre. Despite best efforts of ex's legal team, and despite me doing everything myself, the court saw through her game. I've never been to a Contact Centre and have kept regular time throughout. Even at the most extreme, we had lengthy video calls several times a week. So, going back to this question:

"assuming they do criticise or even raise welfare concerns you find yourself in a position where there is no contact?"

No, definitely not!

EDIT
Obviously that can result in some cases. But, allegations do not mean kids time with you stops.

 

[MagicJ]

Yeah, thanks @Resolute, you've done well as LiP & your journey continues as I believe does it for all of us when we deign to move forward.
I had the option early on to manage it myself before I even knew what a LiP was but this wasn't an option - which has it's own impact financially.

I'm in a "privileged" position that I still see my Children every day - the fact that this comparison needs to be made is a horrific part of our society.
Central to any laws should be the protection the vulnerable & innocent but this cannot be claimed to have successful if by operating those laws you persecute a different part of Society & create a new vulnerable class in the process - this is just slight of hand.

If you look at the core of what we all want, in the majority Members of this forum just want to spend time with the Children to whom they have given life.
To ensure that they have a good start in life with skills & education so that when they hit 16, or 18 or older, they are able to manage the risks of life themselves.

They do not seek to cut out the other parent, on the contrary, I think most members welcome a fully involved co-parent as this eases the task and allows you both to give good quality parenting when you are with your Children.

 

[MagicJ]

Hey All,

I've recently been put into a situation where I had to make a choice that indirectly brought the kids into intermittent conflict with me for several weeks causing them to become upset.

I've listened & seen first hand that every chance STBX gets, she will question the kids repeatedly looking for What's Dad Done? in a sickly sweet voice as the kids either dump their emotions or repeatedly denied anything was the matter, propgating the idea that Dad had to have trangressed somewhere which is very abnormal parenting.

I've also seen the kids suddenly scared to do an action that I would consider normal and had combatted STBX negativity on now suddenly reverted with a strokg passion, because they're scared Mum will shout at them & tell them off.

I recently had a third party tell me my eldest was one of the most emotional children they'd ever seen, also commenting that they think the kids both have a huge attachment to me - unaware of what is going on with the family situation.

I know these are alienating behaviours, which has had me experience a little of what @DB2021 & others are going through.

Its an emotionally difficult situation, you question your own actions and doubt yourself first, even though the evidence is clear as daylight in front of you and plain for others to see.

I was reminded by a friend that even though the children are getting older, I am the parent and I shouldn't be giving them extra freedoms and choices as a method to combat the alienating behaviours.

There is clear need to reinstate the boundaries with my children, when I'm eventually through the current situation, given they are flipping between telling me they hate me to wanting to spend time with me - the clearest sign of children being under pressure of alienating behaviours.

As I think another member who was a teacher said, @nothernsoul perhaps, creating consistent repeated behaviours with your child allows for boundary setting which gives them stability.

In parental seperation when there is incosistency children's natural instincts take advantage of those inconsistencies and push them as far as they can go - we all did that as children.

By talking to them and reminding constantly, when they are in our presence, of what actions and behaviours we love & and why - then explaining what we dont do & why - builds on the comforting foundation above and slowly helps establish new behaviour patterns for them to combat those alienating behaviours.

It's also good to remind them explicitly - I believe - that it's okay for you to do X when youre with Mum if you wish BUT when we are together we DONT do X as it leads to Y which isnt helpful or pleasant, instead, with Dad we like to do it this way because
...etc

It's a hard ask and today I had to lean into my Solicitor, as I've been unable to get to counselling for a few weeks and was struggling a bit - who eminded me that there are two challenging areas of life, Moving House & Divorce, I was also reminded : Don't let the Issues in your Head become bigger than they are - wise words!.

Magic J, reminding himself that keeping everything to himself is not the best way and that I still have my own story to write.

Much Love
 

 

[Ash]

I am really sorry to hear this. It sounds like your ex is gearing up to having the children interviewed as part of a section 7 report. To get them to say what she wants. My advice with alienating behaviours is.

1) Be consistent in showing you care and love them.
2) Don't react to some of the negative things they say.

Read this book to learn how to handle it so you keep them onside and feeling less pressured. There are a lot of useful tips on how to behave and parent in this situation to prevent them becoming alienated.

Written by PA expert

 

[Ash]

It's also quite important that you don't say anything negative about the ex. It can take developing some phrases to reassure the kids. Eg "Mum must be mistaken". Or just keep reassuring them with things like - we both love you very much and some people will help sort things out so you can enjoy time with both parents and not have to worry.

Frankly, it's despicable and a strategy to try and "win" what she wants.

 

[Resolute]

I second what Ash says about not saying anything negative about your ex. It feels really hard and unnatural to start with. There are so many high emotions and such a strong feeling of injustice.

As time has gone on for me I have stated explicitly: "I would never say anything negative about your mum. She is one of the most important people in your life. Do children at school say horrible things about eachother's parents? No? I thought not." This does two things. Firstly, it lets the child know I would never say anything bad about my ex. Even if I thought something bad. Secondly, it models a behaviour for the child to contrast with my ex's negative speak on me. After a while of doing this I have been able to ask, in context: "have you ever heard me say anything bad about your mum?". Answer: "no, of course not." The child now confides in me on negative thoughts about my ex. I am trusted to be neutral and to encourage reflection. Last weekend I had: "why is my mum spreading lies?" I just gave opportunity to share the lies and gently dissociated myself from them, i.e. "do you ever remember me telling you that? No, oh, ok."

Where there is conflict between what my ex is feeding the child and the truth. I never confront head on: "different people see things differently, and that is ok"; "I cannot explain why she said that"; "do you remember ( insert fact that contradicts ex's poison)?" I think this allows the kid to join the dots as they see fit. By being consistent you make it easier for the child to see things your way over time. The party who is lying has a much tougher job. If asked questions it is not appropriate to discuss with a child. Just say "there are some thing that are only for adults. Sorry, this is one of them." In the end it gets to the point where the child will say: "my mum speaks to me about court orders and writing to the judge, but my dad never has. He says some things are only for adults."

Another one that helps is: "are me and your mum the same?" The answer is always no. This deals with all of the "but my mum said... But mummy doesn't let me... mum never..."

It is a very long game to deal with this stuff. We have to be considered and consistent. I find it really useful to have a set of hard rules in my head which I follow without exception. Trying to find the right answer anew for each situation that comes up is beyond me.

 

[Resolute]

I forgot one of the hard rules I have followed so far. Never rat on the child (outside of extreme safeguarding issues), and never ask the child to keep secrets. This is another one that has led my child to see the contrast between me and my ex's approach. It also means I get a free flow of information as a trusted confidante.

 

[DB2021]

I forgot one of the hard rules I have followed so far. Never rat on the child (outside of extreme safeguarding issues), and never ask the child to keep secrets. This is another one that has led my child to see the contrast between me and my ex's approach. It also means I get a free flow of information as a trusted confidante.

I’m taking ratting out the child means telling the other parent what they say?

Sadly yet again if that’s the case I’ve made that mistake as I spoke to ex yesterday about what my little one had been saying I do wish sometimes to at my brain would work out the best route instead of taking the worst sometimes.

Apologies for posting on your post Magic just hit a chord with me what Resolute said there as it’s another good thing to know and to make sure I don’t make that mistake again which at the moment I seam to be making plenty.

 

[Resolute]

I’m taking ratting out the child means telling the other parent what they say?

Sadly yet again if that’s the case I’ve made that mistake as I spoke to ex yesterday about what my little one had been saying I do wish sometimes to at my brain would work out the best route instead of taking the worst sometimes.

Apologies for posting on your post Magic just hit a chord with me what Resolute said there as it’s another good thing to know and to make sure I don’t make that mistake again which at the moment I seam to be making plenty.

My apologies also Magic, just a quick response.

Hi DB, I only mean to speak on what has worked for me. I was not saying it is a hard rule for all situations. My experience is that anything I tell my ex, or try to arrange with her, is flipped and used against me. She also punishes our child for breaking rank and expects their secrets to be kept.

Don't beat yourself up!

P.s. Yes, that is what I meant.

 

[MagicJ]

I’m taking ratting out the child means telling the other parent what they say?

Sadly yet again if that’s the case I’ve made that mistake as I spoke to ex yesterday about what my little one had been saying I do wish sometimes to at my brain would work out the best route instead of taking the worst sometimes.

Apologies for posting on your post Magic just hit a chord with me what Resolute said there as it’s another good thing to know and to make sure I don’t make that mistake again which at the moment I seam to be making plenty.

Hey @DB2021 - just do one action for me for the next two weeks and see how it goes if you can?

Every time you feel the need to contact the EX, write down what needs to be said, your reasons there & then for why ex needs to be involved
Then leave it on your notebook for 2 days, when you come back, find & write down two reasons why she DOESN'T need to be involved.

Before you make the decision to do anything, see if you've cancelled it out - if you have, you've take a decision, let's stick to it.

If you do it, let me know how that goes

 

[DB2021]

Hey @DB2021 - just do one action for me for the next two weeks and see how it goes if you can?

Every time you feel the need to contact the EX, write down what needs to be said, your reasons there & then for why ex needs to be involved
Then leave it on your notebook for 2 days, when you come back, find & write down two reasons why she DOESN'T need to be involved.

Before you make the decision to do anything, see if you've cancelled it out - if you have, you've take a decision, let's stick to it.

If you do it, let me know how that goes

That’s a cracking idea Magic .

I will do this as I am always happy to try new things.

 

[MagicJ]

Hey All,

I'd like to draw up my draft wording for consent order ahead of the FHDRA.

I couldn't find any general resources to guide what is usually included so thought I'd get your help just to list all possible categories which I can pick out as relevant for me:

Childcare split, on basis 50/50 & lives with
Handovers - Term & Holidays
Uniforms, Clothing, Daily Items - How to ensure they are in the right place
Homework - Responsibilities
Parents Evening, Clubs, Trips - Decisions
Medical Issues, Appointments etc.
Emergencies - Types, Process, Comms

What other areas should I include where issues could arise and should be thinking about putting wording in place?

Thanks in Advance

MJ

 

[Resolute]

Special Days: birthdays, Christmas, bank holidays...

School closure days - inset days, strikes, pandemic, asbestos, severe weather...

Some of the above might sound silly, but it all happens and there have been lots of school closure days in the last few years. If you are due to drop off at school and your ex is due to pick up. What time is handover on a day school is closed? It should be the same both ways.

It would be a good idea to provide the school with a schedule so they can contact the correct parent in case of emergency. Something along the lines of "school to contact the parent child is living with in case of emergency. Schedule will be provided to school office."

Are either of you religious? If there are going to be any religious ceremonies or decisions these would be good to include. Stuff like Holy Communion classes. Maybe something about parents to agree on any change or progression of school.

Some of the stuff on your list feels like it should be manageable regardless of the order or cooperation from ex, e.g. homework, parents' evening, medical stuff, school uniform. If you thrash out a genuine 50/50 lives with both parents arrangement that stuff can follow. If the kids are with you, you do the homework with them. If they are sick with you, you bring them to the doctor/hospital. It might be good to remove any grounds for disagreement you can. But, you could look into what would help you demonstrate to CMS that you have equal care.

School holidays are a moving feast. It can be really complicated to pin down a way of dividing them genuinely 50/50. I would spend time making a water tight proposal on that. It needs to tie in neatly with the special days that will be important to your family. The straggly days that tag on to holiday periods need to be dealt with.

 

[Ash]

Some of the things on the list will need to be in recitals, some under "orders". There isn't a resource as technically court orders are legal matters, drawn up by solicitors, barristers or Judges and many will have different styles of order wording, but I can PM you something.

 

[Ash]

Some of those things you don't need in there, if the actual order wording is correct. Because if they live with you half the time then it's up to you what you do in your time. It can help to have a recital saying either parent will take the children to the Doctor or dentist as and when necessary. There will always need to be a certain amoint of communication over that so the kids don't end up with two separate dental checks.

You may run the risk of them saying you're being controlling again if you have too many things in there that would be seen as normal co parenting.

Important things under the order section are:

Who holds passports and when they are to be given to the other parent

And a clause stating that neither parent will change the child's school without the written consent of both parents.

The reason for that is it prevents a moonlight flit - ie you the child couldn't be de-registered from the school without you knowing about it (any final order should be lodged with the school). Some Dads have found in September, that the ex moved 200 miles away over the summer holidays and they've been registered at a new school. So a clause like that helps prevent such things. Technically it needs the consent of both parents due to PR anyway but that isn't enough - if it's ordered and it doesn't happen then it's a clear breach and more serious.

 

[Ash]

The other thing is, if you have too many specific things in recitals it can lead to arguments in future that recitals are being breached, because things change over time. For example if it said both parents will provide a packed lunch on their respective school days and then the kids start wanting school dinners instead.

Plus you're expected to agree some things as part of co parenting. Eg if one parent buys the child an ipad the other parent can't expect it to come with the child - you can ask if it can go back and forth and if the other parent says no - you just work around and it supply your own gadgets in your home. Mobile phones can be a big issue and I'd include something about that - eg who provides for it and pays for it/the contract (because the parent who pays owns the phone). Things like - both parents will have access to child's passcode on their phone etc, helps get round that. I would also add that a phone needs to have appropriate parental controls for online safety.

So your recitals etc look better if they are more child focused like that and less rigid over day to day things like uniform etc - although mention of that can be helpful to avoid issues later.

 

[Ash]

Parents evenings doesn't need to be in there. Unless you want to go with ex! You are able to book your own separate appointments as is your ex and that is something you deal with direct with the school. Likewise separate school reports to each parent etc are dealt with with the school. Most schools have some kind of app now to keep up to date with things. I don't think school closures are relevant for a 50/50 lives with both order, but may be if it turns out to be a spends time with order. Definitely special days.

 

[Ash]

There is a precedent that the childrens activities come before parenting time. However your ex shouldn't organise anything on your days without your consent and you can say no to it. Generally with the 2-2-5-5 activities will be on the same night each week so it's up to you to decide whether they do something on your nights or not and ex can organise her own on her nights. If there's something they want to do on your nights though it's good to go along with it and you just pick them up a bit later - but they are still in your care that day and no one else can be involved without your consent.