My Story - As it Happens

[Resolute]

Could MJ get his solicitor to draft consent order for 6/14 ready for signing? Provide it to her with a letter saying if not signed and returned with 7 days MJ is going back to 50/50 and the court can decide. This would mean wording is tight. Also, back and forth is over before financial hearing. If she doesn't sign, vacate the financial hearing.

I can't help thinking about how much better a 5/14 arrangement would be than a child arrangement hearing that doesn't go as planned. It is one school night and school drop off less. Nothing to stop you going back for more in a year or two. Just a thought

 

[MagicJ]

I was prepared to go one down to 2-4-3-5, I did suggest to the Mediator that I would soften to this, I will reiterate it at the next session.
Ultimately the Kids will be upset when I settle for less than 50/50 but understand what you are both saying in the risk being run.

As an aside, the advice I got was to wait for the FHDRA & see if any directions come out before making any offers to settle etc.

 

[Ash]

How would 2-4-3-5 work? I think courts like to have a stable midweek pattern and stable week end schedules. Ie same midweek nights each week and a balanced schedule. So either 1 midweek night with you. Or 2 nights midweek with each parent.

5/14 would be one midweek night per week and a 3 night weekend.

6/14 would be the same as above but two midweek nights one week and one midweek night the alternate week. Or two midweek nights each but the weekend end at Sunday teatime.

Resolute has a good point that you could get your solicitor to draw up a consent order and see if they accept within x days - but I still think they will be arguing back and forth about details and wording.

Agree to wait until FHDRA for negotiations.

Don’t waste money on solicitors meanwhile. Just get a barrister for FHDRA to try and thrash out a consent order.

However if you really want 50/50 I would stick out for that. Which would probably mean it goes to a final hearing.

 

[MagicJ]

I can see they are both 6 nights to you 8 to her. Pattern I mentioned might feel nicer to her because it is an enhanced default, Sunday added to weekend and Thursday added to the regular school night.

Maybe you could say in mediation that you are offering 6 out of 14 to try and resolve. If there is a contested hearing you will revert to 50/50 position. Could even say you will be moving to vacate financial hearing as child arrangements not resolved. Shouldn't you know what is happening with the kids before dividing finances?

You are offering her victory without a fight. I think she needs to feel some threat from the fight for that to work.

I've already said this BTW, just recalled.

Effectively when she responded to reject my proposal and offer minimum, I noted that I'd rather go to court for my children's sake and fight for 2255.

 

[MagicJ]

So....

this last week has been tough, I've struggled to cope and have now acknowledged this is not just taking a mental and emotional toll, it's started to take a physical toll as well.

It's hard to see an easy end when the other side is out for maximum damage and as such are unwilling to negotiate on anything.

I thought we could negotiate an end but recent events show this is not possible, the impact of my wish to move on and allow both of us a better opportunities has spread out to friends and family, including the school parents network who will likely pick a side that isn't mine.

I no longer trust anyone and those who had my trust, I wonder if I've said too much, too openly.

In the end, all I can do today is face the music and dance to the tune of the week, hoping I have the stamina to see this through till its over and I'm still standing.

At the moment, I can see that I'm struggling to do just that in all aspects.

 

[Ash]

I am sorry to hear this Magic. We are rooting for you. Take time to relax and do the odd normal thing. I think you've been putting huge effort into trying to reach amicable, fair solutions, but that takes two and maybe it's time to stop putting energy into that. And put energy into just you and your kids. Don't worry about other people. One day this will all be over, you will have an outcome and be able to start building your life up again without all this dross going on.

It's very common for anyone going through a Child Arrangements process, to flag and get down during the process. But you've got mediation and the divorce process going on as well. It's like a constant merrygoround to nowhere at the moment.

Do whatever helps you switch off. Meditate or go for a walk, once a day. Compartmentalise the day into chunks - ie only spend 10 minutes a day thinking about the situation and live life a bit normally in between. Obviously if you have a load of paperwork to do one particular day, it will be more than 10 minutes - but then have the next day off.

Keep strong for you and your children. The financial stuff must be a huge worry - but you will rebuild your life again. The most important thing is that your kids are in that life or things get a whole lot harder.

I would forget divorce counselling and mediation - it's draining you and the other side has an agenda so it probably won't achieve anything. Just take one day at a time, tick any boxes you have to tick and keep some energy for the Child Arrangements hearing.

 

[MagicJ]

Thanks Ash.

What you've said speaks volumes to exactly where I am and how I've got here.

For the first time in my own counselling I broke down in tears, it took a fair few minutes to steady myself and not let it be a flood, before I was able to continue my conversation.

You're right, daylight breaks and you see that the only thing to be done is work the process when it comes to everything else, throw as many spanners as you can.

Save and build my energy for the CAO.

How many years it takes, however many people ostracise me, no matter what my kids think of me - do what I can for them.

Much Love

 

[Ash]

Hopefully it won't take years Child Arrangements could be sorted within 9 months. I think they are trying to grind you down. Your ex will just be guided by her lawyers but also is out for herself.

Don't let them grind you down. I don't quite understand how she can run up all these legal bills and expect you to pay the costs, if you don't have any liquid assets or funds to pay them?!!

 

[MagicJ]

Yeah, this is what stumps me but I guess courts can force illiquid assets to be materialised irrespective of the impact of other parties if they feel its justified.

I just need to show its not.

 

[MagicJ]

Good night for now & thanks

 

[nothernsoul]

Stay strong mate - we've got your back in here.

 

[DB2021]

Keep going Magic. We’re all rooting for you

 

[Dirge]

Hang tough mate. As Ash says, when you're going through hell, it's only natural to flag. I was in a bad place on Sunday and went for a long hard walk. I did feel better for it afterwards. Physical exercise does help. Look after yourself. For your kids sake you want to be in the best shape you can be. That thought motivates me to keep going.

 

[MagicJ]

Thanks All.

 

[winger]

Hang tough mate. As Ash says, when you're going through hell, it's only natural to flag. I was in a bad place on Sunday and went for a long hard walk. I did feel better for it afterwards. Physical exercise does help. Look after yourself. For your kids sake you want to be in the best shape you can be. That thought motivates me to keep going.

Same, I always keep that in my mind, to be in the best physical and mental state, for my daughter. I also think, what would she say to me if she could, and I know she would encourage me, all our kids would,
- 'Keep strong daddy' 'keep going' 'we will be together extremely soon, I love you'. Make everything you do for them.

 

[MagicJ]

Just a quick question - I've been sitting on the Conditional Divorce order for a while, I can apply for Finalisation at any point.
A recap - I am CAO applicant, they are FRO applicant, there is no want for amicability or negotiation.

Given there is no CAO or FRO in place, I am holding off to avoid running into a position that is detrimental in the future.
I've now been asked to give assurances from the other side that until FRO is sorted, no Finalisation will be made.

Why would they seek those assurances, given it is in my interests for the same - what am I missing here?
The alternative is they could seek that in court, why would courts entertain such a request? could they grant it?

I am assuming that if they took such action & it was granted they'd seek costs from me for not agreeing to it.

Cheers

 

[Daddy]

I believe it is because you can't claim off each others pensions amongst other things if you are divorced.

 

[Ash]

Just a quick question - I've been sitting on the Conditional Divorce order for a while, I can apply for Finalisation at any point.
A recap - I am CAO applicant, they are FRO applicant, there is no want for amicability or negotiation.

Given there is no CAO or FRO in place, I am holding off to avoid running into a position that is detrimental in the future.
I've now been asked to give assurances from the other side that until FRO is sorted, no Finalisation will be made.

Why would they seek those assurances, given it is in my interests for the same - what am I missing here?
The alternative is they could seek that in court, why would courts entertain such a request? could they grant it?

I am assuming that if they took such action & it was granted they'd seek costs from me for not agreeing to it.

Cheers

Not sure I follow it all, sorry. But basically they're trying to get you to commit to something (before the FHDRA for Child Arrangements). Sounds like something you need legal advice on but others may know more than me.

 

[MagicJ]

So I had a quick gander online, this was an interesting find:

Decree Absolute - Pros & Cons - When mid Court Financials

 

[MagicJ]

The basics seem to come down to:

- Certain finances such as Pensions are locked out I've your actually divorced
- Tax benefits to House Owner where equity out asset will change hands only exists whilst married.
- Tax benefits on certain asset transfers only exist whilst married
- Housing occupation rights vanish once divorce is finalised

These things can be fought:

- extension request in court for housing occupation but not guaranteed
- prejudice on financial settlement but then it has to be proved which party is prejudiced the most

So it's clear there is a real risk here to the other party or they wouldn't have sought to threaten court action to force an agreement.

I think I need to weigh this up properly before I think about agreeing to anything.