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My Story - As it Happens

All,

Can I check the timeframe of the CAO process:

C100 Application

Cafcass Contact (2-3 Weeks)
Court Process & Set Date for Internal Case Hearing (4 weeks from application)
Cafcass Safeguarding Calls (2-3 Weeks after Contact)

Internal Case Hearing (6 Weeks from Court Processing)
FDHRA Date Set (6-8 weeks from this point)

FDHRA - Negotiate or Move to Final and/or order S7 (12 Weeks from this point)

Would the above be a correct timeline, I'm just trying to factor in where I may start to see some resolution of the uncertainty for the children that develops in these circumstances. Thanks
 
Hi Magic, you will get an email through their secured portal and it’s often a time slot they allocate well in advance (assuming it isn’t an urgent matter). So you would have weeks to prepare and the letter contains various detail on what to expect, etc.
 
MagicJ said:
All,

Can I check the timeframe of the CAO process:

C100 Application

Cafcass Contact (2-3 Weeks)
Court Process & Set Date for Internal Case Hearing (4 weeks from application)
Cafcass Safeguarding Calls (2-3 Weeks after Contact)

Internal Case Hearing (6 Weeks from Court Processing)
FDHRA Date Set (6-8 weeks from this point)

FDHRA - Negotiate or Move to Final and/or order S7 (12 Weeks from this point)

Would the above be a correct timeline, I'm just trying to factor in where I may start to see some resolution of the uncertainty for the children that develops in these circumstances. Thanks
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My call was arranged roughly a month after application and court date was set from roughly 3 months from application. The court date was then actually postponed by the courts 3 months so in total I waited 6 months.
 
Jumper85 said:
My call was arranged roughly a month after application and court date was set from roughly 3 months from application. The court date was then actually postponed by the courts 3 months so in total I waited 6 months.
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@Jumper85 without looking back on your thread, did you manage to get a negotiated settlement at the FDHRA or did it then go to a final hearing?
 
I haven't had one for a few years but it was either a letter in the post or an email with an appointment date and time. The timescale from confirming details varies but I'd say you should hear something within week or two. So it's still early days.
 
MagicJ said:
All,

Can I check the timeframe of the CAO process:

C100 Application

Cafcass Contact (2-3 Weeks)
Court Process & Set Date for Internal Case Hearing (4 weeks from application)
Cafcass Safeguarding Calls (2-3 Weeks after Contact)

Internal Case Hearing (6 Weeks from Court Processing)
FDHRA Date Set (6-8 weeks from this point)

FDHRA - Negotiate or Move to Final and/or order S7 (12 Weeks from this point)

Would the above be a correct timeline, I'm just trying to factor in where I may start to see some resolution of the uncertainty for the children that develops in these circumstances. Thanks
Click to expand...
C100 application

Court papers sent out to both parties (which you got quite quickly)

Email from Cafcass to confirm details

Email/letter from Cafcass with appointment date.

Interview with Cafcass

Letter/report back from Cafcass with recommendations (could be a week or two after interview or could be longer)

Notification of hearing (either a gatekeeping hearing or an FHDRA). Neither parent attends a gatekeeping hearing - they are quite common these days. At a gatekeeping hearing Cafcass will discuss with a Judge and it will be decided what next - hopefully FHDRA

Notification of an FHDRA hearing date. At FHDRA consent order can be reached by negotiation. If no agreement then the court decides what next. If no major issues it then goes to a final hearing. That could be a few months later.



All in all cases are taking between 9 months and a year. Some a bit quicker, some longer. This is why we say - don't make any allegations or criticize the ex - you're likely to have a smoother path and less hearings.
 
@Ash assuming they do criticise or even raise welfare concerns you find yourself in a position where there is no contact?

I presume the same would be true in the opposite direction, if we raised a welfare concern that was genuine would cafcass actually look into it and there the reverse applies as above?
 
Not really. If you raise a welfare issue you're seen as critizing the Mother. If she also raises a welfare issue, it's seen as conflict between parents (ie both parents accusing each other). You want to avoid that label. Because they usually end up giving residency to the mother to keep the kids out of the conflict. It's not logical but it happens all the time.

The other thing is, the courts have the view - well if there were welfare issues, why didn't you raise them with social services? Why now, after applying to court (hence it gets classed as conflict between parents).

Now if the ex makes loads of allegations, that's par for the course. It doesn't mean they believe them. It means they will check out a few things and may dismiss them when they find you have no criminal record and look at the history.

The instinct by a lot of Dads is to retaliate in defence of themselves - but that just means you're making allegations then - then it gets classed as conflict between parents.

The successful Dads are the ones that sit it out, keep being calm and reasonable. Wait till all the allegations are dismissed - and then come out with a 50/50 order. You need to play the game because sadly that's what it is. It's not about justice or who is right or who is wrong.

To Cafcass and the courts a good Dad is someone who never criticizes the ex and keeps things child focused. The mantra is "I just want the children to have happy loving homes and relationships with both parents".

Think of it from the outside - the contrast. If you have one parent saying that, and the other parent accusing all sorts and presenting as hostile, you come out looking better. The more child focused one and the least hostile one.

If you try to fight, you lose. It takes a mentality of - not reacting.
 
But if she does make allegations and says she won't agree to you having any time at all (which I think is unlikely as she has already agreed to some) then yes it would be supervised time until the allegations are looked into and dismissed. That doesn't necessarily mean a contact centre. It can be supervised "in the community" eg you need a relative with you. It's about jumping through hoops till you get to the end.

Solicitors make things adversarial but that doesn't count for anything once you're in a court hearing. That's all just hot air. What counts then is having a good position statement, the way you behave, and ideally some representation to stop the other side causing delays and dragging things out.

At the moment, any allegations your ex makes wouldn't be taken that seriously - because you're seeing the kids on your own almost daily. She might make some nasty ones like you're controlling etc. But the way you behave counteracts that. ie you don't retaliate, you present as calm and child focused.
 
Hi Ash, whilst your comments are all sensible and logical I think one point I would pull out from your posts is for Dad’s to raise welfare concerns with social services if it’s appropriate to do so and that should be done in the best interest of the children.

I appreciate that my case differs to most but my ex did not take notice of my concerns I’d raised directly with her firstly about her continued alcohol and drug abuse, I then subsequently went to social services. Whilst most posts suggest that social services, the courts, etc favour the mother, from my experience explaining my concerns and evidence I had as to why I would be taking my children and restricting access was listened to and subsequently supported by the school and social services.

So from experience, social services and CAFCASS can support Dad’s but I must be clear here that I had very good reason to act. Most cases seem to be tit for tat with very little substance to disputes but if you do have welfare concerns and you can evidence you’ve tried to address these amicably with your ex in the first instance (text messages, etc) then they will support Dads to keep children safe. What I will say is that CAFCASS were very much of the view that it was temporary in order for the mother to sort herself out which is reasonable and what I had always stated to begin with but they can support you taking action.
 
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Jumper85 said:
Hi Ash, whilst your comments are all sensible and logical I think one point I would pull out from your posts is for Dad’s to raise welfare concerns with social services if it’s appropriate to do so and that should be done in the best interest of the children.

I appreciate that my case differs to most but my ex did not take notice of my concerns I’d raised directly with her firstly about her continued alcohol and drug abuse, I then subsequently went to social services. Whilst most posts suggest that social services, the courts, etc favour the mother, from my experience explaining my concerns and evidence I had as to why I would be taking my children and restricting access was listened to and subsequently supported by the school and social services.

So from experience, social services and CAFCASS can support Dad’s but I must be clear here that I had very good reason to act. Most cases seem to be tit for tat with very little substance to disputes but if you do have welfare concerns and you can evidence you’ve tried to address these amicably with your ex in the first instance (text messages, etc) then they will support Dads to keep children safe. What I will say is that CAFCASS were very much of the view that it was temporary in order for the mother to sort herself out which is reasonable and what I had always stated to begin with but they can support you taking action.
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Its a good point, where you have substance abuse that is clear and can be evidenced.
 
All,

An update, I have now told my children about the situation, in an age appropriate manner, they have taken the news well.
They are excited about the possibilities of new arrangements and Sad that existing arrangements are coming to an end.

I had wanted to do this with STBX but she is still processing the Divorce emotionally & unable to see past her anger at the situation.
Irrespective, I made sure both my Children understood that their parents love them unconditionally and this will never change.

I've also made sure they understand there will be more than one conversation on the matter and they can talk to me when they need to.
I'm eternally thankful for the opinions, guidance & personal situations shared on the forum, like others, it helps guide our own thoughts. 🙏
 
Jumper85 said:
Hi Ash, whilst your comments are all sensible and logical I think one point I would pull out from your posts is for Dad’s to raise welfare concerns with social services if it’s appropriate to do so and that should be done in the best interest of the children.

I appreciate that my case differs to most but my ex did not take notice of my concerns I’d raised directly with her firstly about her continued alcohol and drug abuse, I then subsequently went to social services. Whilst most posts suggest that social services, the courts, etc favour the mother, from my experience explaining my concerns and evidence I had as to why I would be taking my children and restricting access was listened to and subsequently supported by the school and social services.

So from experience, social services and CAFCASS can support Dad’s but I must be clear here that I had very good reason to act. Most cases seem to be tit for tat with very little substance to disputes but if you do have welfare concerns and you can evidence you’ve tried to address these amicably with your ex in the first instance (text messages, etc) then they will support Dads to keep children safe. What I will say is that CAFCASS were very much of the view that it was temporary in order for the mother to sort herself out which is reasonable and what I had always stated to begin with but they can support you taking action.
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Absolutely. If there are serious welfare issues it's important to involve social services. Main point was about not making allegations to Cafcass, who would say - so why didn't you go to social services?

There is a Dad on here now whose ex has alcohol issues and social services are involved. But it does need to be something serious and provable.
 
MagicJ said:
All,

An update, I have now told my children about the situation, in an age appropriate manner, they have taken the news well.
They are excited about the possibilities of new arrangements and Sad that existing arrangements are coming to an end.

I had wanted to do this with STBX but she is still processing the Divorce emotionally & unable to see past her anger at the situation.
Irrespective, I made sure both my Children understood that their parents love them unconditionally and this will never change.

I've also made sure they understand there will be more than one conversation on the matter and they can talk to me when they need to.
I'm eternally thankful for the opinions, guidance & personal situations shared on the forum, like others, it helps guide our own thoughts. 🙏
Click to expand...
It sounds like you've done a good job there.
 
I've struggled this week with keeping myself focused & head above water, even though I know it's about the outcome for the children.
I don't mind all the accusations, the lies, the attempts to position me as a bad or inconsiderate father, I have a thick skin for these types of things.

It's the constant effort by the STBX of putting the children in the middle of the Divorce & not focusing properly on their overall & long term needs.
It hits at the heart, raises anxiety on behalf of the children and its difficult to constantly try to mitigate against all the possibilities to prevent the impact.

Generally life has been busy & this has meant I've let slide all the personal care aspects which has meant my resilience has dropped a fair amount.
Given its a process & sometimes a waiting game to see this through the next 9-12m, even the talking about it to the support network feels empty.

The week started good, above water & it's ended further under water than I had expected.
 
My heart goes out to you. Here are my thoughts, just on the basis of my experience.

You are human and it is perfectly normal to have periods like you have described with all you are going through. I get to points where I think I am going to break and be unable to continue. Sometimes my only way of carrying on is to tell myself that I will not stop until it breaks me.

Self care etc. Is really important, but remember people fail to do this stuff even when they don't have anything like your mountain to climb. From what I have read of your situation you are going above and beyond, and you have a wise head on your shoulders. Sometimes I think about what my kid would think if I fail, seems to me there are two options:

1) He gave up on me to look after himself
2) He didn't look after himself because he refused to give up on me

I know my preference.

You cannot do everything all the time.
 
Resolute said:
My heart goes out to you. Here are my thoughts, just on the basis of my experience.

You are human and it is perfectly normal to have periods like you have described with all you are going through. I get to points where I think I am going to break and be unable to continue. Sometimes my only way of carrying on is to tell myself that I will not stop until it breaks me.

Self care etc. Is really important, but remember people fail to do this stuff even when they don't have anything like your mountain to climb. From what I have read of your situation you are going above and beyond, and you have a wise head on your shoulders. Sometimes I think about what my kid would think if I fail, seems to me there are two options:

1) He gave up on me to look after himself
2) He didn't look after himself because he refused to give up on me

I know my preference.

You cannot do everything all the time.
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Thanks @Resolute .

I just needed to say it and I needed to hear it as well. Thank you 🙏
 
Hang in there. There will be a lot of ups and downs and you'll be getting your Cafcass call soon. It'll work out in the end.
 
Just wanted to let you know I'm feeling more positive this week.

The above helped to steady the ship & my counselling session this week was good, it's helped remind me to focus on myself, nothing is permanent, I am continuing to do the best I can for my children. If I've made a few mis-steps along the way, it's fine, I am still here & still able to help to help my children when they need it - so I just adjust & change so as not to make the same mistakes again.

We can be our own worst critic & that is helpful on occasion but it's important to continue to lean on our support networks so that we can continue to move forward one step at a time.

Thanks All, Much Love.
 
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