Advice What can I do???

[Peanut 21]

If your ex has said "me and SW agreed" without you hearing that from the SW she is;
1) hiding behind SW (they hide behind third parties)
2) highly likely twisting SWs words
3) SW can't over ride a court order and Judge.
4) even if a SW thinks contact should be stopped/reduced they will have to inform both parents and say to both parties "as there is a court order you must seek legal advice". They wouldn't expect one party to tell the other.

Turn up to the contact time as per the court order. If you can bring a witness or inform a friend or family member when you're going if they can't be with you and set up your phone to record the pick up.

 

[DB2021]

If your ex has said "me and SW agreed" without you hearing that from the SW she is;
1) hiding behind SW (they hide behind third parties)
2) highly likely twisting SWs words
3) SW can't over ride a court order and Judge.
4) even if a SW thinks contact should be stopped/reduced they will have to inform both parents and say to both parties "as there is a court order you must seek legal advice". They wouldn't expect one party to tell the other.

Turn up to the contact time as per the court order. If you can bring a witness or inform a friend or family member when you're going if they can't be with you and set up your phone to record the pick up.

Hi Peanut.

The social worker did agree at the so called mediation. Which was nothing more than both of them telling me what they think and how it’s all my issue etc.

With regards to turning up it’s not something I’m going to do.

1. For my own safety.
2. I don’t want a scene on her front door step in front of my daughter which is what she will cause.
3. Her stopping it again shows what her intentions have always been.

It may not be the best option but at this point whatever I do won’t make a difference in the short term and that’s why I will play the long game.

I will no longer speak to social worker on phone I will ask for it all to be done via email and if there is any face to face meetings then I will be advising her that I will be recording it so that she has no way of manipulating things and claiming things have been said that haven’t which I have no doubt she will do.

 

[Peanut 21]

You must do what you feel is right.

 

[Ash]

I can understand your concerns about not turning up. Technically if you don't, then you'd be in breach of the order. However, your ex is no longer agreeing to school pick ups (which aren't ordered but a precedent had been set previously so you should get them back). So that creates the situation where you can only pick up at ex's house, and as you know from previous experience that doesn't go well.

I would

a) Send an email
b) Turn up for the next court ordered time - but be careful. Is there anyone you can take with you? Ideally to stand at a distance and video record. And don't get into arguments. The only requirement is to turn up. It's your ex's responsibility to make your daughter available. However, from previous experiences she will probably bring her to the door and have her reject you.

If you decide you don't want to put your daughter through that, then rely on the email for now. I had to do similar myself once. I'd keep turning up at school and my ex would be there and get my son to ignore me and walk past me. Eventually I told the solicitor I wasn't doing it any more (application was already in) as it was painful for my son. It made no difference to the court outcome. The difference was I was still getting to see my son - just not from school.

I suggest

"Hi. I'm just writing to remind you of your obligations under the court order, to ensure xxxxx spends time with me on the court ordered days and times, unless agreed otherwise. Telling me "contact is stopped" in front of our daughter, for no good reason, will be upsetting for her. Please confirm xxxx will be coming with me tonight when I come to collect her. Regards, you"

If anyone can think of a better one please add!

I suspect your ex has already had legal advice. Sadly some solicitors for Mothers advise them to breach orders, to force you into applying to court. Then they use the opportunity to argue the order should be varied (without having to pay an application fee). But your application should be strong enough to get the points across.

 

[Ash]

Hopefully your ex is dumb enough to think if the social worker agrees with her she can breach the order and get away with it. Yesterday was a breach really as she wouldn't let your daughter come with you. Your little girl was very brave there, asking to go to your sister's so you know she wants to come and she wants you to know it's not her choice - but she also has to protect herself.

After sending the email, see what response you get before deciding whether to turn up tonight or not.

 

[Ash]

The other point is though, that if you don't turn up your daughter might think you're not coming back. So see what the response to the email is first. If she replies saying contact is stopped, don't turn up then we can think again.

 

[DB2021]

The other point is though, that if you don't turn up your daughter might think you're not coming back. So see what the response to the email is first. If she replies saying contact is stopped, don't turn up then we can think again.

Hi Ash.

The likelyhood is though she won’t reply and if she doesn’t I won’t turn up for the reasons I’ve said. I don’t have anyone I can’t take with me and I don’t want to be put in that position. And also I don’t want my daughter caught in the middle which ex did last night.

I’ll happily explain to court why I didn’t turn up given ex tries to cause arguments and also her partner involving himself is a big worry as he is very much a part of what is going on.

I know not going may not be the best thing but with how things are and how ex behaves I can’t put myself or my daughter in that situation. I’d rather just go back to court and fight it that way.

I said to my little one when I left last night “I promise I will see you again darling and that I loved her”

I have sent the email but I know ex is to clever to say anything in writing thats why she does it when I turn up.

I’m not trying to ignore good advice just trying to do what’s best for the situation myself and my little one are in.

 

[Ash]

I'm just having a look at your application wording. Do you have a copy of that letter your daughter wrote? A photocopy or screenshot? I think you should apply with a C1A as well for emotional and psychological harm, attaching the letter as evidence. And say in the application you wish an independent social worker to be appointed. (Did you phone Independent SW and what did they say about what to do first?). I am wondering if you can send their cv with the application or whether you have to do the referral form first. I would think you could attach their cv to the application and only do the referral form when the court agree to them being used after you apply.

 

[nothernsoul]

Good morning mate.

As always, sorry for what you are going through.

It's absolutely your choice of course, my view is that emotions are running high for you and we rarely make the best choices when we are too happy or too sad.

Give yourself a couple of hours of breathing space and consider all the advice you're getting. It's coming from good men who have navigated a similar position. I'd be encouraging you to follow their advice.

 

[nothernsoul]

I have sent the email but I know ex is to clever to say anything in writing thats why she does it when I turn up.

It might be that she considers herself too smart.

It's likely to be that she's not as clever or as entitled as she thinks.

Stay child focussed.

 

[DB2021]

I'm just having a look at your application wording. Do you have a copy of that letter your daughter wrote? A photocopy or screenshot? I think you should apply with a C1A as well for emotional and psychological harm, attaching the letter as evidence. And say in the application you wish an independent social worker to be appointed. (Did you phone Independent SW and what did they say about what to do first?). I am wondering if you can send their cv with the application or whether you have to do the referral form first. I would think you could attach their cv to the application and only do the referral form when the court agree to them being used after you apply.

Yes I wondered whether or not to go down that route and was going to ask you actually.

But when I spoke to them they didn’t offer anything they just said you need to fill out referral form first before they would speak to me about it. So not sure how to proceed with that.

 

[DB2021]

Good morning mate.

As always, sorry for what you are going through.

It's absolutely your choice of course, my view is that emotions are running high for you and we rarely make the best choices when we are too happy or too sad.

Give yourself a couple of hours of breathing space and consider all the advice you're getting. It's coming from good men who have navigated a similar position. I'd be encouraging you to follow their advice.

Hi Northernsoul.

It’s not emotions tbh of course it’s a horrible situation to be in but I’m quiet calm about it.

My concerns are about ex and her partner and what may happen if I do turn up tonight. Ex has no issue causing trouble in front of my little one and given I don’t have anyone to take for safety I just think it’s best I don’t go and get court application in straight away.

I’ve sent an email to ex as suggested by Ash and I’ll wait to see if she replies which I doubt she will.

 

[Resolute]

I remember a very clear piece of advice that was offered to me when my daughter was being withheld:

"you need to cling to that order like a monkey to a tree in a hurricane"

I took those words as a guiding principle. It was a dark place for me, but that phrase shone a light of sorts. The light served me well.

 

[DB2021]

Hi guys just a quick update just received this email from ex this morning.

“I have spoken to xxxxx and I between us we have came up with an idea.
She would like you to create her a book on family tree , family details etc that she can ask me for when she is older if she so wants. If you add your address email and phone number so if she wants it when she is 16 plus then she can contact you herself.
This is what she has asked for as xxxxx has something similar and she wants one off you so if she wants to know you when she is older she will ask for it.
It is down to you to trust me to contact you at a time when she is ever ready.”

Any thoughts on what I should reply or if I should reply at all?

 

[nothernsoul]

Disgrace.

 

[DB2021]

Disgrace.

Disgusting isn’t it , but again shows ex’s game plan and that she has zero intentions of encouraging or supporting my relationship with our daughter.

 

[Ash]

Don't reply at all. Ignore. I agree it's a disgrace. Sounds like some other child has had their Dad removed as well if someone else has a memory book. It's one for the evidence file though - to show your ex isn't the slightest bit supportive of your daughter's relationship with her Father and just wants to cut you out.

 

[Peanut 21]

What 5 year old would sit down with their mother and discuss that idea!? What a vile woman!

 

[nothernsoul]

File it away somewhere mate. Treat it with the disdain it and she deserves.

Don't even dignify it with a response.

 

[DB2021]

Thanx guys didn’t have an intention of replying really but thought I’d run it past you first as always.

Finally some evidence to show just what she is up to and how she views me.

She probs thinks this is okay and normal but doesn’t realise how it looks and hopefully is viewed how it should be by a decent judge.

Roll on Nov 2nd