Advice What can I do???

[DB2021]

Hi DB,

This must be so painful, I am truly sorry things have gone this way. I do not have long so I am going to quickly layout some thoughts for you to take into account along with contributions from other members.

In short, I believe those two emails will work against you. You would be incentivising the social worker and your ex to defend themselves by closing rank against your narrative. Furthermore, you'd be writing off the incredible progress that has been made since you first posted on the forum. You would also be laying all your cards out before the appropriate hearing or Cafcass assessment.

Sorry to say this, but I think you would be shooting yourself in the foot again. As I believe you did when you withdrew the application.

The social worker already knows the situation. Why not keep them on side. You are at risk of overplaying your position and making an enemy of what could be your strongest ally.

Please forgive me for being frank. I have taken very similar steps to what you are considering here so I really can understand your urge to do this. Thing is, those steps did not help me at all.

I am not an authority and I totally respect whatever decision you make.

There is my tuppence worth.

Peace and love

Hi Resolute.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

The biggest issue with the social worker is your right she knows the situation yet seams intent on doing nothing so I don’t feel like she is on my side at all anyway if that makes sense.

And the biggest thing for me is not allowing the ex to be able to say well he hasn’t even tried to discuss this with me blah blah blah even though she knows exactly what is going on.

I just feel like whichever way I choose I’m fighting a losing battle and it’s so disheartening.

I guess the emails were intended to show that neither ex or social worker are taking all this seriously which I thought would be a good thing to have for court.

 

[Resolute]

The biggest issue with the social worker is your right she knows the situation yet seams intent on doing nothing so I don’t feel like she is on my side at all anyway if that makes sense.

I do not think the social worker is going to solve this. Even if she thinks some kind of psychological intervention is the right idea. Your ex will veto anything that she doesn't like. As the parent your daughter lives with, your ex has much more sway.

While the social worker can see the situation, and does not see you as an opponent, you could get reports that help you in court. Either through Cafcass or directly from the SW. The court is where you can make progress. Progress by other means will rely on your ex. I think she has shown you that you cannot rely on her.

 

[Peanut 21]

And DB, as you say in the email templates, it's been 10 months. When people say "give them time" about a child it's a parental alienation behaviour. The social worker is inadvertently enabling your ex to carry on this behaviour. The attached is from Dr Craig Childress PA signs. You might recognise some of them:

Diagnostic Indicators & Associated Clinical Signs for an Attachment-Based Model of “Parental Alienation” (AB-PA)

There are three Diagnostic Indicators that will always be present in an attachment-based model of “parental alienation” (AB-PA), 1) Attachment Suppression: the child will show suppression of attach…

drcraigchildressblog.com

 

[nothernsoul]

Morning mate.

She won't give two hoots about your email.

Get the court wheels in motion as soon as you can.

Everything else will sap what energy and strength you have left.

Get the application in. Hunker down for a bit and recharge.

 

[Ash]

Agree with all the above. Don't email either of them. Take control and put the application in. Don't get social services involved again. Just let the court process go ahead. Sometimes when we write things we want to say, we don't realise how it weakens our position or reveals things to the other side. Your ex will just play you. I think you had enough already when you applied last time. It's also quite dangerous to refer to your daughter's "behaviour" as that makes it sound like your daughter that's the problem (or you) rather than what's actually happening.

As mentioned earlier. Keep your cards close to your chest. There's a need to get into a businesslike mode over this.

 

[DB2021]

Thanx all.

Again it’s exactly why I came here first as all this is really messing with me mentally but I understand and see exactly what your all saying.

It probably won’t be my choice getting the social involved again as it was court that ordered it when I put previous app in.

The link peanut sent was a good read and there is a lot in there that is happening in my case.

Resolute has also very kindly agreed to private message me about his story given it is similar so that will give me more advice and a good incite on how to deal with it all and also what mistakes not to make.

I’m going to re group and then do what I need to this has taken such a toll on me I need to get myself back into the mindframe I was in a while back before taking this head on.

 

[Peanut 21]

Yep, have a breather, then take action. We're all behind you.

 

[DB2021]

Hi all.

So another update.

Social worker messaged today saying she had sought my daughters feelings etc and had been to see her alone yesterday and also she has been to see her today at exs house.

Got an email update from social worker saying daughter has said and wrote a note that suggests she doesn’t want to spend time with me.

Also that little one has said me and ex argue at doorstep when I go to collect her which doesn’t happen.

Little less than 4 weeks ago when speaking to social worker said she wanted to spend more time with me but zero mention of this by social worker and again all she offers is mediation between me and ex.

Ex again says she doesn’t know why little one is saying the things she is blah blah blah.

Definitely feels now that they are aligned together ex and social worker.

 

[DB2021]

Here is said note

 

[Resolute]

That is heartbreaking.

I think you probably need to write something to the social worker following this. But not now. Take some time and make it really neutral.

 

[DB2021]

That is heartbreaking.

I think you probably need to write something to the social worker following this. But not now. Take some time and make it really neutral.

I know I’m really proud of how I handled it though when she handed me it also went to the park with her and ex as she asked to speak to me about it little one that is.

But all that happened was ex helped her read what she wrote and when I asked why all I got was because your ugly etc etc whilst smiling and laughing with her mam. Mam did a bit of fake acting as she usually does but I can see right threw it.

I just said I love you and ill see you next week and left as she shouted your fat and ugly as I walked away.

I have messaged ash to see his thoughts and I’ll go from there.

I’m not angry or anything I’m really upbeat actually it’s breaking my heart but I know what needs to be done now and I won’t be hoodwinked again.

 

[Ash]

Hi all.

So another update.

Social worker messaged today saying she had sought my daughters feelings etc and had been to see her alone yesterday and also she has been to see her today at exs house.

Got an email update from social worker saying daughter has said and wrote a note that suggests she doesn’t want to spend time with me.

Also that little one has said me and ex argue at doorstep when I go to collect her which doesn’t happen.

Little less than 4 weeks ago when speaking to social worker said she wanted to spend more time with me but zero mention of this by social worker and again all she offers is mediation between me and ex.

Ex again says she doesn’t know why little one is saying the things she is blah blah blah.

Definitely feels now that they are aligned together ex and social worker.

That note is very good evidence. A child that age wouldn't call you ugly and stupid - those are your ex's words (you've heard her say them).

But yes it sounds like the Social Worker is aligned with the ex and ignores any sinister stuff. "Doesn't know" why she says this? Well she should go and do some reading and find out - it's blooming obvious.

 

[Ash]

Make a diary note now of what happened at the Park as well - while it's fresh in your mind.

 

[Peanut 21]

But yes it sounds like the Social Worker is aligned with the ex and ignores any sinister stuff. "Doesn't know" why she says this? Well she should go and do some reading and find out - it's blooming obvious.

Also her mother should be telling her it's wrong to call daddy names!!
None of this is normal!! Your poor daughter needs someone to see what's going on. Makes me so angry

 

[DB2021]

Also her mother should be telling her it's wrong to call daddy names!!
None of this is normal!! Your poor daughter needs someone to see what's going on. Makes me so angry

Shows what we’re up against as the so called professionals ie social worker are just as bad as the mothers.

It’s so blatant yet social worker just won’t budge not once has she ever considered it.

Every time it’s put back on me to do x y z and she offers to mediate between us.

I know there aligned now even more so after today but hopefully ash can give me some good tips on how to deal with the phone call I’m due to get.

 

[Ash]

SW sounds lazy as well as biased. Suggested email to SW to keep in writing what has happened recently (now SW is involved anyway) and PM'd some tips for the phone call.

 

[Resolute]

I know I’m really proud of how I handled it though when she handed me it also went to the park with her and ex as she asked to speak to me about it little one that is.

But all that happened was ex helped her read what she wrote and when I asked why all I got was because your ugly etc etc whilst smiling and laughing with her mam. Mam did a bit of fake acting as she usually does but I can see right threw it.

I just said I love you and ill see you next week and left as she shouted your fat and ugly as I walked away.

I have messaged ash to see his thoughts and I’ll go from there.

I’m not angry or anything I’m really upbeat actually it’s breaking my heart but I know what needs to be done now and I won’t be hoodwinked again.

When my daughter has written something she knows exactly what is says. She does not need help to read if she composed it herself. If anything, she is better able to read it than me.

Is there an argument for taking the social worker up on her offer to mediate? Or at least asking her how this would work and how she thinks it would help?

 

[DB2021]

When my daughter has written something she knows exactly what is says. She does not need help to read if she composed it herself. If anything, she is better able to read it than me.

Is there an argument for taking the social worker up on her offer to mediate? Or at least asking her how this would work and how she thinks it would help?

I know she knows how to read it but I don’t think she wrote it without help.

Only a cpl of weeks previous she was asking me to help her spell love when she was making a nice card for her Aunty I will be asking social worker if it was written whilst she was there or before.

No I don’t think so what’s to mediate? Ex says what everyone wants to hear professional wise when she has no intentions of doing what she says. It’s all an act but social worker seams to have gone beyond not noticing it and is either just ignoring it or is that bad at her job she should be in it.

All she would do is have us both on the phone whilst we talk but I’m done with talking, words are easily spoken actions show true intentions.

 

[Resolute]

I know she knows how to read it but I don’t think she wrote it without help.

I was thinking your daughter definitely did not write it because she couldn't read it without help from your ex. If contents of the note came from your daughter she would read it without any help.

No I don’t think so what’s to mediate? Ex says what everyone wants to hear professional wise when she has no intentions of doing what she says. It’s all an act but social worker seams to have gone beyond not noticing it and is either just ignoring it or is that bad at her job she should be in it.

I was not suggesting mediation would help. More to have the social worker lay out the option so it is plain what she is offering. Further down the line you might be told you should have engaged with assistance on offer. The social worker is having conversations with your ex. She may want a way of saying things in front of you and having record of your attempts to resolve in a child focused way. Who knows what she is thinking? I struggle to believe she really thinks this is normal.

Ash is providing you with a draft I believe, I'm sure that will see you right. I was just mentioning a side point.

P.s. whatever else happens, I suggest you get the application in without delay. Definitely before MIAM expires. I see no reason why other steps need to happen first.

 

[DB2021]

I was thinking your daughter definitely did not write it because she couldn't read it without help from your ex. If contents of the note came from your daughter she would read it without any help.



I was not suggesting mediation would help. More to have the social worker lay out the option so it is plain what she is offering. Further down the line you might be told you should have engaged with assistance on offer. The social worker is having conversations with your ex. She may want a way of saying things in front of you and having record of your attempts to resolve in a child focused way. Who knows what she is thinking? I struggle to believe she really thinks this is normal.

Ash is providing you with a draft I believe, I'm sure that will see you right. I was just mentioning a side point.

Yeah I suspect it was written before social worker turned up but I will be asking this when she calls me.

Ohhh I know but she’s explained it before and it’s literally a zoom call where all 3 of us are on the line and we discuss things. But the reality is with social workers email she still hasn’t even tried to consider this is down to ex, she writes as if I need to do x y z which I’ve been doing since the start.

Social workers view was she thinks “little one is trying to rule the roost when I’m trying to implement boundaries”

To me that is an outrageous way of looking at it especially with what little one is saying and writing but also also shows me yet again that social worker is either very biased or extremely bad at her job.

If she doesn’t think it’s normal then she should be doing more than just constantly putting it back on me and offering mediation, she does the same thing every time.