Think about it the other way around. What evidence does your ex have that you should get less than the default arrangement? A well defined order giving you the default would be a vast improvement on where you are.
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Advice What can I do???
- Thread starter DB2021
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Think about it the other way around. What evidence does your ex have that you should get less than the default arrangement? A well defined order giving you the default would be a vast improvement on where you are.
That’s is very true and a part of the problem with me I spend to much time worrying about the negatives rather than looking at the other way around.
I am going to look for some support as I know I’m struggling with a lot of things and I have to change my mindset and my strength.
I think you need to change your mindset a bit. You use language like "I'm failing..."
Not having a go. Just an observation.
You had a child with a narcissist. It's shattered your self esteem.
Do you think you may be depressed? I wouldn't be surprised if you were.
Get the application in and we'll all help with next stages.
You can't reason with your ex. You tried and now need another tactic.
Not having a go. Just an observation.
You had a child with a narcissist. It's shattered your self esteem.
Do you think you may be depressed? I wouldn't be surprised if you were.
Get the application in and we'll all help with next stages.
You can't reason with your ex. You tried and now need another tactic.
No I know and that’s exactly why I come here for advice because I know you all will be honest with me and I know I need that sometimes.
I think maybe I am but in a weird way I don’t feel it I just have days where I really struggle with it all and doubt myself.
But I do know I need to get that support so I’m in a place where I can fight and not just let things go on and on like I have been.
It would need tweaking and updating a little bit - eg explanation why you withdrew and what has gone wrong again.
I think we all have a degree of fear and anxiety in these situations. Sometimes the fear of things is worse than actually do the things and it's just biting the bullet. But it can help if you have some back up to help feel confident and have some support. Or some kind of outlet to help you cope along the way. We're on here obviously but just wondering if there are any nightclasses or similar in your area - assertiveness classes are good. A lot of people misunderstand assertiveness and think it means being agressive and "asserting" yourself, but it's more about how to keep control of a situation when dealing with difficult people, by using certain language and repeating yourself.
As an example, a salesman is trying to persuade you into needing a new roof. Scaring you into thinking you need one when a couple of tiles fell off. In that situation you never sign up for a new roof without having time to think about it and do some research, so you politely say, no thank you I need time to consider this. He doesn't take no for an answer and continues to try and pressurise and persuade you (it's how they get sales) and scare you by saying things like - well in the next heavy downpour it could leak onto your ceiling and the ceiling fall down. Whatever he says, you stick to your guns and repeat the same phrase - no thank you, I'd like time to research and look into things a bit more. And you literally just keep calmly repeating that whatever he says. If he still persists you walk away or similar.
That maybe isn't a good example as most people know how to deal with hard sales. But these kind of people tune into those who maybe seem a little underconfident or a bit vulnerable. And try and bamboozle you.
As an example, a salesman is trying to persuade you into needing a new roof. Scaring you into thinking you need one when a couple of tiles fell off. In that situation you never sign up for a new roof without having time to think about it and do some research, so you politely say, no thank you I need time to consider this. He doesn't take no for an answer and continues to try and pressurise and persuade you (it's how they get sales) and scare you by saying things like - well in the next heavy downpour it could leak onto your ceiling and the ceiling fall down. Whatever he says, you stick to your guns and repeat the same phrase - no thank you, I'd like time to research and look into things a bit more. And you literally just keep calmly repeating that whatever he says. If he still persists you walk away or similar.
That maybe isn't a good example as most people know how to deal with hard sales. But these kind of people tune into those who maybe seem a little underconfident or a bit vulnerable. And try and bamboozle you.
I think I’ll have a look into those classes you mentioned as i definitely need some support and one good thing to come from this if that’s possible is I can see that I’m not as strong as I thought I was and I need to work on myself to make sure my daughter has the best daddy she can as that’s what she needs.
My little one said today.
“That she only comes because if she doesn’t I’ll act like a baby” I’m guessing she’s told mum I have got upset a couple of times.
She also asked me why I wanted her to come so I said “because I want to spend time with you your my daughter and I love you” her response “I’m not your daughter anymore”.
I mean how anyone professional can think that these sorts of statements are normal is beyond me.
I will definitely be keeping the social worker at arms length from now on I won’t be obstructive but it’s clear she is aligned with mum whilst pretending to be helpful to me. I mean I’ve only raised concerns to her about 6 times over the last 11 months
.I fully agree with everyone saying I need to bite the bullet at the end of the day if my daughter does end up hating me I’d rather it be “with me fighting all the way for her” than “Giving up and letting mum win”.
Mum has said many times little one will hate me if I get others involved in her life and she openly totally to her about court etc as another thing that was said by little one.
“She’s angry at me because I took her mummy to court”
It’s a never ending cycle of hurtful behaviour and it kills me inside to know that she loves me but she has to behave this way.
That's a threat basically, that she will try and turn your daughter against you if you apply to court. She's already doing that anyway and last time it went well with the social worker who ascertained your daughter did want to see you and spend overnights with you and that's what made the ex panic probably.I think I’ll have a look into those classes you mentioned as i definitely need some support and one good thing to come from this if that’s possible is I can see that I’m not as strong as I thought I was and I need to work on myself to make sure my daughter has the best daddy she can as that’s what she needs.
My little one said today.
“That she only comes because if she doesn’t I’ll act like a baby” I’m guessing she’s told mum I have got upset a couple of times.
She also asked me why I wanted her to come so I said “because I want to spend time with you your my daughter and I love you” her response “I’m not your daughter anymore”.
I mean how anyone professional can think that these sorts of statements are normal is beyond me.
I will definitely be keeping the social worker at arms length from now on I won’t be obstructive but it’s clear she is aligned with mum whilst pretending to be helpful to me. I mean I’ve only raised concerns to her about 6 times over the last 11 months
I fully agree with everyone saying I need to bite the bullet at the end of the day if my daughter does end up hating me I’d rather it be “with me fighting all the way for her” than “Giving up and letting mum win”.
Mum has said many times little one will hate me if I get others involved in her life and she openly totally to her about court etc as another thing that was said by little one.
“She’s angry at me because I took her mummy to court”
It’s a never ending cycle of hurtful behaviour and it kills me inside to know that she loves me but she has to behave this way.
This is fairly common with an alienating ex. And you have answers prepared to reassure your daughter and say - it's not taking anyone to court, it's asking some people to help sort things out so they're best for you, when Mummy and Daddy can't agree. They are special people who help sort things out for children.
Exactly that Peanut most of the things she’s coming out with certainly haven’t come from her herself she’s not even old enough to understand half the things she’s saying.
Sadly just parroting her mum and others that live in that house.
It’s an all out attack on me being a father that’s for sure.
Hi all.
So sadly there has been no improvement since last time the hostile angry behaviour is still there with vengeance.
I understand that most say emailing ex etc isn’t a good idea but I feel that is the best option first but I know that I will be putting in another court app very soon. I feel this because I want to give ex the opportunity to take this seriously and if she does then she will support getting prepped help for our little girl but knowing what I know I highly doubt she will which I feel will give me a lot of positives for court as it will show that I haven’t accused ex of anything and I have tried to sort it amicably with her but she refused.
I am also going to email the social worker again asking what support the local authority can offer more so again to show despite numerous attempts to ask for help I have been ignored at every turn.
I am attaching the emails I intend to send to both. Can you please give me your opinions on what ive written. I understand there not brief but this situation I can’t be.
So sadly there has been no improvement since last time the hostile angry behaviour is still there with vengeance.
I understand that most say emailing ex etc isn’t a good idea but I feel that is the best option first but I know that I will be putting in another court app very soon. I feel this because I want to give ex the opportunity to take this seriously and if she does then she will support getting prepped help for our little girl but knowing what I know I highly doubt she will which I feel will give me a lot of positives for court as it will show that I haven’t accused ex of anything and I have tried to sort it amicably with her but she refused.
I am also going to email the social worker again asking what support the local authority can offer more so again to show despite numerous attempts to ask for help I have been ignored at every turn.
I am attaching the emails I intend to send to both. Can you please give me your opinions on what ive written. I understand there not brief but this situation I can’t be.
Hi,
I’m extremely concerned about xxxxx behaviour towards me and her emotional well-being as it’s something that has been going on for over 10 months now and there is no sign of it changing.
I understand that she has had a lot going on over the last 12 months but I don’t believe this is the reason for this behaviour and given she won’t speak to me or yourself I feel now that there needs to be some support but in place to help us get to the bottom of it.
As we’ve discussed previously I can’t and won’t let this just continue month after month as if it’s left as it is within the next 12 months I will have no relationship with her and that’s not something I’m willing to risk.
I have listened to both yourself and xxxxxx and been told to give it time etc but I feel I have already given it time as 10 months of this is a long time and whilst there is times where things are good it makes it even more confusing as to why out of nowhere she turns so hostile towards me with no explanation.
This behaviour is directed solely towards me and I want to find out the reasons why as I know I’ve done nothing to warrant it. Sadly because she won’t open up to you or me I feel now there is no other option but to ask for professional support so that we can help and support her with whatever is going on.
Her behaviour and the things she says to me is not normal for a 5 year old and is coming from somewhere and I feel this support will help her open up and explain her feelings which I think is the best thing for everyone concerned.
I would like you to send your thoughts on this via email if you wish to tell me them as I intend on emailing xxxxx to ask what support they can offer.
Regards
Xxxx
I’m extremely concerned about xxxxx behaviour towards me and her emotional well-being as it’s something that has been going on for over 10 months now and there is no sign of it changing.
I understand that she has had a lot going on over the last 12 months but I don’t believe this is the reason for this behaviour and given she won’t speak to me or yourself I feel now that there needs to be some support but in place to help us get to the bottom of it.
As we’ve discussed previously I can’t and won’t let this just continue month after month as if it’s left as it is within the next 12 months I will have no relationship with her and that’s not something I’m willing to risk.
I have listened to both yourself and xxxxxx and been told to give it time etc but I feel I have already given it time as 10 months of this is a long time and whilst there is times where things are good it makes it even more confusing as to why out of nowhere she turns so hostile towards me with no explanation.
This behaviour is directed solely towards me and I want to find out the reasons why as I know I’ve done nothing to warrant it. Sadly because she won’t open up to you or me I feel now there is no other option but to ask for professional support so that we can help and support her with whatever is going on.
Her behaviour and the things she says to me is not normal for a 5 year old and is coming from somewhere and I feel this support will help her open up and explain her feelings which I think is the best thing for everyone concerned.
I would like you to send your thoughts on this via email if you wish to tell me them as I intend on emailing xxxxx to ask what support they can offer.
Regards
Xxxx
Hi xxxxx,
Things haven’t improved with xxxxx and I feel now that she needs professional independent support so I am emailing to ask if there is anything the local authority can offer.
I have listened to both yourself and xxxxx to be patient and give it time but I feel I have already done that as this behaviour has been going on for over 10 months with no sign of improvement.
Yes there has been times things have been really good but that in itself makes me even more concerned about her behaviour towards me as it’s not normal for a 5 year old to do and say the things she is doing and it’s well beyond a typical child’s behaviour as it doesn’t just last an hr or even a day it goes on for weeks.
Since the court order was made I have had less time with her than I have had with her and this isn’t good and it’s not how it should be.
Xxxxx has said to you on many occasions that she wants to spend more time with me yet this behaviour still exists which is why I am now asking for real support for her.
I understand that she has had a lot going on over the last 12 months but that doesn’t explain this nor do I believe that it is a valid reason. A child isn’t as hostile and abusive towards a loving parent like this for those reasons nor does a child flip from being so happy and content in my care to the behaviour I am now receiving again.
This has gone beyond mediation as clearly nothing has changed and if people are doing what the say they are it’s not working and hasn’t worked.
I am a loving father deeply concerned for her emotional well-being and can no longer just accept being told to be patient which as previously said I feel I have been.
Kind Regards
Xxx
Things haven’t improved with xxxxx and I feel now that she needs professional independent support so I am emailing to ask if there is anything the local authority can offer.
I have listened to both yourself and xxxxx to be patient and give it time but I feel I have already done that as this behaviour has been going on for over 10 months with no sign of improvement.
Yes there has been times things have been really good but that in itself makes me even more concerned about her behaviour towards me as it’s not normal for a 5 year old to do and say the things she is doing and it’s well beyond a typical child’s behaviour as it doesn’t just last an hr or even a day it goes on for weeks.
Since the court order was made I have had less time with her than I have had with her and this isn’t good and it’s not how it should be.
Xxxxx has said to you on many occasions that she wants to spend more time with me yet this behaviour still exists which is why I am now asking for real support for her.
I understand that she has had a lot going on over the last 12 months but that doesn’t explain this nor do I believe that it is a valid reason. A child isn’t as hostile and abusive towards a loving parent like this for those reasons nor does a child flip from being so happy and content in my care to the behaviour I am now receiving again.
This has gone beyond mediation as clearly nothing has changed and if people are doing what the say they are it’s not working and hasn’t worked.
I am a loving father deeply concerned for her emotional well-being and can no longer just accept being told to be patient which as previously said I feel I have been.
Kind Regards
Xxx
I think you need to make it shorter and tweak it a bit. There's a lot of repetition so maybe try....
I understand why you want to email before going back to court. Just be prepared for her to be unhelpful.
Hi DB,
This must be so painful, I am truly sorry things have gone this way. I do not have long so I am going to quickly layout some thoughts for you to take into account along with contributions from other members.
In short, I believe those two emails will work against you. You would be incentivising the social worker and your ex to defend themselves by closing rank against your narrative. Furthermore, you'd be writing off the incredible progress that has been made since you first posted on the forum. You would also be laying all your cards out before the appropriate hearing or Cafcass assessment.
Sorry to say this, but I think you would be shooting yourself in the foot again. As I believe you did when you withdrew the application.
The social worker already knows the situation. Why not keep them on side. You are at risk of overplaying your position and making an enemy of what could be your strongest ally.
Please forgive me for being frank. I have taken very similar steps to what you are considering here so I really can understand your urge to do this. Thing is, those steps did not help me at all.
I am not an authority and I totally respect whatever decision you make.
There is my tuppence worth.
Peace and love
This must be so painful, I am truly sorry things have gone this way. I do not have long so I am going to quickly layout some thoughts for you to take into account along with contributions from other members.
In short, I believe those two emails will work against you. You would be incentivising the social worker and your ex to defend themselves by closing rank against your narrative. Furthermore, you'd be writing off the incredible progress that has been made since you first posted on the forum. You would also be laying all your cards out before the appropriate hearing or Cafcass assessment.
Sorry to say this, but I think you would be shooting yourself in the foot again. As I believe you did when you withdrew the application.
The social worker already knows the situation. Why not keep them on side. You are at risk of overplaying your position and making an enemy of what could be your strongest ally.
Please forgive me for being frank. I have taken very similar steps to what you are considering here so I really can understand your urge to do this. Thing is, those steps did not help me at all.
I am not an authority and I totally respect whatever decision you make.
There is my tuppence worth.
Peace and love
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I think Resolute right I'm afraid.
I think just apply to court again.
The ex has no incentive to listen to you. She doesn't want you to have a relationship with your daughter.
My partner tried for years to be reasonable with his ex, much to my annoyance. I kept trying to tell him there's no reasoning with these types of people. Now he hasn’t seen his daughter well over a year.
I think just apply to court again.
The ex has no incentive to listen to you. She doesn't want you to have a relationship with your daughter.
My partner tried for years to be reasonable with his ex, much to my annoyance. I kept trying to tell him there's no reasoning with these types of people. Now he hasn’t seen his daughter well over a year.
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