Advice What can I do???

[DB2021]

And I have engaged many times before and we’ve had calls like she is offering before nothing has changed because it’s clear ex is alienating our daughter it’s so obvious yet social worker just ignores all the red flags.

Ex tells her she’s doing everything she can blah blah blah and social worker laps it up which given many story’s on here is not a shock and something dads have to put up with all the time.

We all know the system is a disgrace but all we can do is fight it with all we have.

 

[Ash]

Your social worker has definitely taken a side. This sometimes happens when things are serious enough that they fear a Mother may lose residency - they close ranks and gang up. It's disgusting really but they seem hard wired to think children belong with Mothers, regardless of how bad the Mother is.

So you know where you stand. The social worker isn't to be trusted. You can be polite and maybe non committal. I agree - get your application in before the MIAM expires. If mediation is court ordered, fine, but get the ball rolling with the court process. You can say in your application that you are willing to do mediation if the court feels it is appropriate under the circumstances but agreements are not kept to.

 

[DB2021]

Hey all.

So things have taken a really bad turn.

Had so called mediation today not the usual mediation it was with social worker and ex in zoom.

And to say it went badly would be an understatement it was the most brutal thing I’ve been through but at the very least it’s showed me just where I stand with social worker who has shown again just how biased and aligned with ex she really is.

Little one refuses to see me now and going by what ex says she no longer wants anything to do with me and that’s not likely to change.

Ex is also suggesting reducing my time with her and was easily able to speak to me as if I’m nothing whilst social worker did nothing, social worker is trying to suggest it’s my parenting and also that in any report she writes she wouldn’t recommend any independent support for my little one as she doesn’t believe little one would benefit from it. But she has offered t play therapy which ash explained is a good thing so one small positive.

Today really did hit home just how alone I am in this battle and that when I go back to court it’s me versus ex and social worker so I know I have a mountain to climb to try and save my relationship with my little girl.

My main reason for posting is to see views on how to handle social worker moving forward. I would rather not ever have to engage with her again but I know that wouldn’t be the best way to go about things so does anyone have any advice on how to deal with speaking to her as I want very little to do with her now as given how. Biased and aligned she is with ex it worries me that anything I say or do she will try and twist to suit there narrative.

Both ex and social worker talk down to me and social worker does not like being questioned she has the belief that she’s a professional so I have no right to question any view she has or anything she says.

Court application will be going in very soon.

Any advice will as always be greatly appreciated.

 

[Resolute]

I go back to the really simple point. Your daughter is much too young to be making a choice about child arrangements. The court has made a decision which both parents are responsible for following.

I would consider asking the social worker to share a copy of her notes for the meeting you had. If she gives true notes she will be hanging herself out to dry. If she covers up how complicit she was you will have something helpful as well.

Wait and see what others think though

 

[nothernsoul]

I agree with Resolute.

I think also, for your own well being - that you should try to avoid putting yourself in a position where you're vulnerable to being almost shot down. At the moment I feel as though you are getting through an issue, then putting yourself back in the firing line - and at the moment you're only going to get shot down again and again.

The battle is lost mate, the war is not.

I'd absolutely ask for a written response from the social worker, but then, please, try and take several steps back.

Get your court application together and make it as thorough and as passionate as you're making your current efforts - it's your best chance of a positive outcome.

 

[DB2021]

Thanx fellas for your replies.

Resolute the social worker doesn’t take notes all she does is sit on camera doing nothing apart from agreeing with everything ex says. I have taken my own though to at least be able to refer back to.

Northernsoul what do you mean putting myself back in the firing line? Not meant badly just not sure what u mean or am I not seeing it.

That’s what I want to do and will do it’s more of how I deal with the social worker moving forward with application going in she will be instructed to be involved again so I will have to deal with her again and given the last 11 months that worries me greatly.

 

[nothernsoul]

I mean that I feel as though you're sort of scatter gunning all of your various battles and I think you would do well to take a step back and really organise and formulate a strategy.

The simple truth is that the system is not a friendly one and it's certainly not looking to do you any favours. You've got to do that yourself. And I'm not sure you are at the moment.

From following your posts, sometimes I feel as though you are expecting to be treated fairly when all the evidence in front of you is showing you that you are not.

Sadly pal, the only place you might get fair treatment is court. And, in my opinion, that's what you have to do. It's tempting to find fault in everything thats happening to you, but, truthfully, where do you think it will get you? Possibly upset and angry about something you can't influence.

Control and focus on what you can control.

And that's the preparation and immediate submission of a court application.

 

[Resolute]

Resolute the social worker doesn’t take notes all she does is sit on camera doing nothing apart from agreeing with everything ex says. I have taken my own though to at least be able to refer back to.

She probably writes it up afterwards even if she doesn't take notes at the time.

Asking for notes is not about getting a record. It is about making her answer for how this was handled. If she gives a true record that can be used to discredit her later. If she lies that can be used to discredit her as well. If she refuses to give you notes and refers to this down the line. That also does not look good.

 

[DB2021]

I mean that I feel as though you're sort of scatter gunning all of your various battles and I think you would do well to take a step back and really organise and formulate a strategy.

The simple truth is that the system is not a friendly one and it's certainly not looking to do you any favours. You've got to do that yourself. And I'm not sure you are at the moment.

From following your posts, sometimes I feel as though you are expecting to be treated fairly when all the evidence in front of you is showing you that you are not.

Sadly pal, the only place you might get fair treatment is court. And, in my opinion, that's what you have to do. It's tempting to find fault in everything thats happening to you, but, truthfully, where do you think it will get you? Possibly upset and angry about something you can't influence.

Control and focus on what you can control.

And that's the preparation and immediate submission of a court application.

Ahhh I see that makes sense.

I guess I’m just so mentally drained by it all it’s taking a huge toll on me now that’s not an excuse for making mistakes just the gut wrenching honest truth.

I am getting the application in Ash is helping me with the wording and it will be going in asap.

Thank you for your honest view sometimes I need to hear things that may not be nice to hear but it does help.

 

[DB2021]

She probably writes it up afterwards even if she doesn't take notes at the time.

Asking for notes is not about getting a record. It is about making her answer for how this was handled. If she gives a true record that can be used to discredit her later. If she lies that can be used to discredit her as well. If she refuses to give you notes and refers to this down the line. That also does not look good.

I’ll see how I can word an email to her asking for this I’d never thought of doing this before.

 

[nothernsoul]

Mate. We've all been there. My heart goes out to you.

When my matter is finished I'm going to create a visual time line to try and track time / emotions as it's so hard to see a future.

But there is.

There always is.

Lean on all of us in here and we will drag you through it.

 

[DB2021]

Mate. We've all been there. Mum heart goes out to you.

When my matter is finished I'm going to create a visual time line to try and track time / emotions as it's so hard to see a future.

But there is.

There always is.

Lean on all of us in here and we will drag you through it.

Thanx mate.

I really hope so as it doesn’t feel like there is at the minute.

I’ll always come for advice here it’s been a life saver even with the mistakes I’ve made along the way.

 

[Ash]

I think his intention was to show willing to the mediation so the SW didn't accuse him of refusing mediation later in court. And was expecting to be shot down and just expressing how unpleasant it was. It's not surprising what happened - we all expected it. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Dealing with the SW is like banging your head against a brick wall. However I think SW has been very contradictory and any reports she does now can easily be undermined. Ideally it would be good to have an Independent Social Worker report now, where they will pick up the alienation and it will be a higher level report than Cafcass or Social Services - if you can find the money to pay for it. But the main thing is get the ball rolling again.

 

[DB2021]

I think his intention was to show willing to the mediation so the SW didn't accuse him of refusing mediation later in court. And was expecting to be shot down and just expressing how unpleasant it was. It's not surprising what happened - we all expected it. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Dealing with the SW is like banging your head against a brick wall. However I think SW has been very contradictory and any reports she does now can easily be undermined. Ideally it would be good to have an Independent Social Worker report now, where they will pick up the alienation and it will be a higher level report than Cafcass or Social Services - if you can find the money to pay for it. But the main thing is get the ball rolling again.

I will find the money somehow no matter if it leaves me with nothing. My little girl is paramount in all of this and I’ll do whatever it takes.

I was just asking as if she contacts me moving forward how to I respond etc. do I come here first for advice depending on what she is saying asking?

 

[Resolute]

I know it has already been said by me and others, but the court application is your move here. Anything else just needs to be kept ticking over until you get your day in court. Once the application is in your ex will have to make her moves. I am sure you won't buy her false promises a second time. Successful time with your daughter is still quite recent. The school pick-ups helped when you were in this situation last time. Things might improve independent of the court once your ex is on notice. This would help your case.

Remember, your daughter stayed happily with you for several nights at a time until your ex's video calls. Your ex willingly arranged the weeks with you. This shows she had no concerns for your daughter's safety at that point. What can she say has happened since a month ago to suddenly make your daughter unsafe with you? Her only argument is that your daughter says she does not want to be with you. I do not believe a court would buy that argument like the social worker has.

Speaking of the social worker, I am going to put a draft out there. Just as a basis for discussion. I think it could give you something useful to refer back to even if the social worker doesn't answer. If she does answer, I think she'll fall into one trap or another.

My draft is only intended to get some brain storming underway. I am not recommending it.

Dear Social Worker,

Thank you for facilitating our recent meeting.

The mediation session did not give me much clarity on how we are going to maintain and progress XXXXX's child arrangement. I am sure we all agree that significant and meaningful time with both parents is in a young child's best interests. Your expertise and experience could really help us guide XXXXX through difficulties she is facing at present. To me, it feels we are at risk of leaving too much on her young shoulders.

Please could you share your observations and recommendations with both parents. We could then draw upon your professional opinion to co-parent in a way that will support our daughter. I sincerely hope our session can provide a basis for some positive steps. Please also let me know anything you feel I could do to support Ex's efforts to comply with our arrangement.

Yours...

 

[Ash]

Tbh Resolute - this SW is totally aligned with the ex, as he says - and obstructive to any request from him. She believed the "letter" and she blamed his parenting for the failure. She is writing a report apparently so he'll probably need to see what that says. Unfortunately there is nothing in writing from her earlier wishes and feelings that said daughter liked seeing him and wanted overnights - so I've suggested he does a subject access report to get all information written about his daughter. As SW must have recorded something after that wishes and feelings report.

I think once it's in court again everyone might change slightly. His ex is not claiming safety issues - she is claiming child doesn't want to see him - which is a very thin argument. SW is agreeing with his ex! This SW knows nothing about PA or seems very biased.

A follow up email is a good idea, so he has something in writing to record what happened and request certain things (and agree to play therapy).

 

[DB2021]

Hi All.

So today when I went to pick up my little one there was a glimmer of hope as he said she might come with me but that was dashed very quickly.

Ex said both her and social worker agreed that my contact should be reduced to one day a week which I said there is a court order which she replied I’ll break it. I said you can’t then she said are you coming tomorrow which I said yes her reply “contact is stopped”.

So she is now stopping my contact.

I want to send her a biff email reminding her of her responsibility’s just to show I have done.

But any advice on how to write it and also do I still turn up tomorrow or do I not? She is the type to make out I’m harassing them blah blah blah.

I’m hoping to get my application is asap just want to know what I do for the best at the minute.

I do want to email social worker aswell but I know that’s not the best idea.

 

[DB2021]

Can I put in an urgent application?

 

[Resolute]

When this happened to me I was guided by the order. It stated clearly that travel to the handover location was my responsibility. As a result I travelled to ex's house twice a week for a month and knocked. When there was no answer, I left one of the packages. Police told me to bring a witness and have a copy of the order on me. I had a reference number to the call advising me it would not be harassment if I continue attending handover location as per the order. They did warn me that police may attend if she called them.

It worked for me. My daughter still speaks of those days. She knows us not seeing eachother was not for want of effort on my part. My ex was told to follow the order at our next hearing.

Tbh, I think you need luck as well as judgment here. A situation like this has so many variables.

Your Social Worker might be overstepping the mark. But you only have this second hand from a person who does not deserve your trust. It is not the SW's responsibility to follow the order anyway. I would leave the Social Worker out of it.

I remember finding this page helpful:

Contact - childlawadvice.org.uk

This page explains the law on spending time with a child when a relationship breaks down, including the different types of contact such as supervised or indirect contact and the family court orders for contact.

childlawadvice.org.uk

Broadly, your time with the child should only be stopped in case of emergency or significant risk to the child. Other members are better at the BIFF stuff than me. I think your ex should be informed that she does not have grounds to withhold your daughter and she is obligated to comply with the court order.

Whatever about details of how to handle each bump in the road. The answer is making an application to court ASAP. Could you give yourself a firm deadline of Friday?

 

[DB2021]

When this happened to me I was guided by the order. It stated clearly that travel to the handover location was my responsibility. As a result I travelled to ex's house twice a week for a month and knocked. When there was no answer, I left one of the packages. Police told me to bring a witness and have a copy of the order on me. I had a reference number to the call advising me it would not be harassment if I continue attending handover location as per the order. They did warn me that police may attend if she called them.

It worked for me. My daughter still speaks of those days. She knows us not seeing eachother was not for want of effort on my part. My ex was told to follow the order at our next hearing.

Tbh, I think you need luck as well as judgment here. A situation like this has so many variables.

Your Social Worker might be overstepping the mark. But you only have this second hand from a person who does not deserve your trust. It is not the SW's responsibility to follow the order anyway. I would leave the Social Worker out of it.

I remember finding this page helpful:

Contact - childlawadvice.org.uk

This page explains the law on spending time with a child when a relationship breaks down, including the different types of contact such as supervised or indirect contact and the family court orders for contact.

childlawadvice.org.uk

Broadly, your time with the child should only be stopped in case of emergency or significant risk to the child. Other members are better at the BIFF stuff than me. I think your ex should be informed that she does not have grounds to withhold your daughter and she is obligated to comply with the court order.

Whatever about details of how to handle each bump in the road. The answer is making an application to court ASAP. Could you give yourself a firm deadline of Friday?

Tbh I’m more concerned about my own safety going there when she has said she’s stopped contact. Her partner try’s to involve himself and I don’t want anything happening on the doorstep.

My daughter was stood there when she said contact is stopped she tried to cause an argument because little one asked to go to my sisters so I said “will you let me pick you up from school” ex straight away said no your not doing that so I said to little one we couldn’t go as there isn’t the time with how little I get with her during term time. Ex again tried to cause trouble so I just said im not arguing with you. That’s when she said me and social worker agreed it’s in little ones best interests to reduce contact. I just said there is a court order and because I said I would be coming tomorrow that’s when she said contact is stopped.

yes my hope is to have it in tomorrow not Friday but Ash is helping me with wording so not going to push him and will get it in once it’s done.