Guest viewing is limited
- You have a limited number of page views remaining
- 2 guest views remaining
- Register now to remove this limitation
Advice What can I do???
- Thread starter DB2021
- Start date
- Status
If overnights are in your order mate I wouldn't be giving your daughter the choice, unless she is of age where she should be.
As adults and parents we dont give our children the choice on going to school, brushing teeth etc. These decisions are equally important and so important for you all.
As adults and parents we dont give our children the choice on going to school, brushing teeth etc. These decisions are equally important and so important for you all.
Hi Northernsoul.
The reality is for me is my little one is so hostile sometimes and I’ve tried everything to calm her down but nothing works.
Luckily she came today but I can tell she’s still not in the best of moods with me it’s a constant battle of what behaviour I’ll get so it’s just not as easy as telling her she’s staying.
I know where this is all going to end up I’ve always know I just made the mistake of letting ex get into my head but I won’t make the same mistake again.
It’s obvious it’s alienation and manipulation I just sadly don’t have any concrete evidence.
I understand mate.
I was a teacher for many years and some of the best advice I got was that consistency was like a golden bullet.
With particular children as a staff we would try all sorts of techniques and when one stopped working we would try a new one.
Looking back now we should have picked one and stuck with it, warts and all. That way the consistency and expectations were created and there were defined boundaries.
Every case is different of course.
I was a teacher for many years and some of the best advice I got was that consistency was like a golden bullet.
With particular children as a staff we would try all sorts of techniques and when one stopped working we would try a new one.
Looking back now we should have picked one and stuck with it, warts and all. That way the consistency and expectations were created and there were defined boundaries.
Every case is different of course.
I know sadly though I get no consistency she will be so happy with me for a couple of weeks then out of nowhere she’s so hostile and angry at me.
I’ve tried everything nothing works she’s been manipulated into not talking to me about things and also not being able to show how she feels about me around mum etc it’s a vicious circle and one I just can’t step out of.
She’s an amazing little girl but to see her with such hatred towards me sometimes just breaks my heart.
Today she’s talking to me as if I’m nothing how it makes her happy to be nasty to me and how she’s never coming with me again.
You could take the bull by the horns. Here is an option.
Write to your ex celebrating the progress from zero nights to three in a row. Mention that the video calls were not helping, they made your daughter unsettled on both occasions. Whilst you appreciate there may be benefit to building things up gradually. You want to maintain the progress already made. A good way of doing this will be every second weekend with you through term time - Fri school pick up to Mon drop off. This consistent pattern will be really helpful at your daughter's age.
If your ex does not agree, get another application in before MIAM runs out.
It must be heartbreaking to see the hostility again. The fact she came with you today is not insignificant. Her behaviour when she comes is a test. If you can be loving and supportive all the same, your ex's story is discredited. If she can get a reaction/negativity from you, she has support for what your ex is telling her.
In my view, your ex has done this to her own child. This is atrocious behaviour which justifies you in never giving her the benefit of the doubt. Meetings and phone calls do not feel like the right way to deal with a situation where there is no good faith.
Write to your ex celebrating the progress from zero nights to three in a row. Mention that the video calls were not helping, they made your daughter unsettled on both occasions. Whilst you appreciate there may be benefit to building things up gradually. You want to maintain the progress already made. A good way of doing this will be every second weekend with you through term time - Fri school pick up to Mon drop off. This consistent pattern will be really helpful at your daughter's age.
If your ex does not agree, get another application in before MIAM runs out.
It must be heartbreaking to see the hostility again. The fact she came with you today is not insignificant. Her behaviour when she comes is a test. If you can be loving and supportive all the same, your ex's story is discredited. If she can get a reaction/negativity from you, she has support for what your ex is telling her.
In my view, your ex has done this to her own child. This is atrocious behaviour which justifies you in never giving her the benefit of the doubt. Meetings and phone calls do not feel like the right way to deal with a situation where there is no good faith.
I was going to write and ask people’s thoughts as whilst she came today her hostility and anger was there with vengeance and she wanted to go home half an hr ago.
I understand taking her home isn’t the best thing and I should say no but I’ve tried that and she just has a melt down and seeing her that unhappy being with me is just to much.
The whole time I had her today she was horrible to me saying the below.
“It makes me happy being nasty to you”
“I want xxxx to be my daddy because he’s better”
Xxxx(exs partners daughter) tells her she has to be nasty to me otherwise she will be in trouble when she comes home”
“I force her to spend time with me all the time”
“All the pictures we have she was forced to take them”
“She’s never coming with me ever again”
It’s just such an extreme change in behaviour the happiness and fun we had at the beginning of last week to this again it makes no sense to me at all.
My daughter needs help she really does as non of this is normal and no one seams to want to listen or even see it as a concern.
I admit today I was in tears whilst she was here hearing how hateful she was being and I tried so hard to stay strong but I just had to walk out the room and go upstairs. She did follow me but didn’t say anything but she did ask why I was crying when I sorted myself out so I was honest and said “because I’m hurting darling to see you so unhappy hurts me”. But she didn’t say anything to that.
I spoke to ex when I dropped her off and told her what was said and she just laughs and then claims little one says all sorts to them aswell.
I feel I need to email ex about getting support and help for my little girl I’ll write it and post it here and get peoples opinions.
As I fully agree talking to ex will do nothing as she’s more than happy to see my relationship disintegrate with our daughter.
Dear xxxx
Further to our conversation today I feel that we’re at a point where we need to get to the bottom of what is causing the issues I’m having with xxxxx as I’m extremely concerned about the things she is saying and the way her behaviour towards me changes to drastically.
Neither of us know the reasons behind it and that’s what worries me the most as there must be something going on in xxxxx’s world that’s causing this and I worry that doing nothing will cause more damage not just to my relationship with xxxxx but to xxxxx herself.
I want to speak to xxxxx about getting xxxxx some proper help to get to the bottom of things so that we can both understand what’s happening but also so we can both help and support her as I’m sure you agree neither of us wants our daughter upset and unhappy and having a loving relationship with both of us is the best thing for her.
Let me know your thoughts and we can go from there.
Regards
Xxx
I know this email may seam friendly etc but I don’t want to accuse her directly or give any idea that I already know the reasons behind it as to me anyway it’s obvious what’s going on.
I suspect my ex will push back on getting her help but that’s what I want as to me that shows she isn’t being child focused.
And also by me sending a polite email I can show in court that I tried to do things amicably and with ex’s support but she refused and to me that would be very telling.
Any advice and opinions are greatly appreciated and I know I may not have written it perfectly so any alterations you think may necessary I’m happy to hear them
Further to our conversation today I feel that we’re at a point where we need to get to the bottom of what is causing the issues I’m having with xxxxx as I’m extremely concerned about the things she is saying and the way her behaviour towards me changes to drastically.
Neither of us know the reasons behind it and that’s what worries me the most as there must be something going on in xxxxx’s world that’s causing this and I worry that doing nothing will cause more damage not just to my relationship with xxxxx but to xxxxx herself.
I want to speak to xxxxx about getting xxxxx some proper help to get to the bottom of things so that we can both understand what’s happening but also so we can both help and support her as I’m sure you agree neither of us wants our daughter upset and unhappy and having a loving relationship with both of us is the best thing for her.
Let me know your thoughts and we can go from there.
Regards
Xxx
I know this email may seam friendly etc but I don’t want to accuse her directly or give any idea that I already know the reasons behind it as to me anyway it’s obvious what’s going on.
I suspect my ex will push back on getting her help but that’s what I want as to me that shows she isn’t being child focused.
And also by me sending a polite email I can show in court that I tried to do things amicably and with ex’s support but she refused and to me that would be very telling.
Any advice and opinions are greatly appreciated and I know I may not have written it perfectly so any alterations you think may necessary I’m happy to hear them
In my experience, our responses to the behaviour create the behaviour. If she knows a meltdown results in you caving, she will have meltdowns.
With the greatest respect, there appears to be a pattern where you are doing things you say you know are not the right option. If you are choosing between a rock and a hard place, why not go for the one that doesn't benefit your ex?
Can’t you just tell your ex “politely” that you are booking a child therapist that your daughter meets at your house on your time . It seems that your daughter needs someone independent to talk to. The sheer level of comments to you from daughter are not normal and your ex has no interest in helping your relationship. You might find only a few sessions help and daughter finds a vent. She’s clearly conflicted , that comes from mum and sounds like you need professional help. Your home needs to be place of stability and calm.
No I know I fully agree with what your saying I just don’t seem to be able to deal with it in the moment it’s happening.
I don’t feel like the option I’m choosing is to benefit ex I just feel like when my daughter is that way the best thing is to take her home so she’s not under any more stress or unhappiness because I can’t imagine what she’s going through.
I know I’m failing her I’ve known that for a long while I’m just trying my best with the horrible situation I’m in.
Hi Peanut.
No sadly not I’ve looked into it and I know it’s not something I could afford to do myself
, my only hope is a court ordering something but if that’s at cost to me then that will be the end for me.
The reality is if I do say that to her I guarantee little one no longer comes at all.
Ex is so against it as I suspect she is worried what daughter will say and it will out what she’s doing.
That’s why I think sending an email like above is a good idea as it shows I’m trying to work together with mum to sort things then when she refuses I can show she’s not putting our daughters best interests first etc that’s my thought anyway
It was not meant as a criticism. I know you are doing your best. You are digging deep to make things work in horrible circumstances. In my opinion, the horrible decisions you keep being presented with are not coincidences. They are created by your ex's behaviour. My hope is that you can find a way of handling things that disrupts what your ex is doing, rather than perpetuating the cycle.
P.s. I caution against writing to your ex about psychological support for your daughter. Mine was withheld when I did that and the court did not bat an eyelid.
Your poor child being indoctrinated and incited to say such hateful things 
The problem I can see with the proposed email above is it's pretending you don't know what's causing the behaviour and that plays into ex's hands and, in a way, denies your daughter. You know what's at the bottom of the behaviour and your ex knows you know. I can see you are trying to attempt to get it dealt with but she is not someone to be trusted. She may even use it against you and say it shows you can't handle your daughter or it must be something you're doing or not doing that makes her behave like that.
It's a very tough situation for you. It will just carry on like this. Your ex has all the power to continue manipulating and nobody knows what's happening.
I agree with Resolute it may be better to get an application back in before the MIAM runs out. Just be straight and say you feel an order will protect your daughter. That discussion resolved things initially but they have now reverted again and your daughter is subject to pressure and emotional harm. The social worker already did a wishes and feelings last time and it was positive. That would have helped your case a lot. Which is probably why your ex panicked and pretended to be friendly and want to sort things without court.
The things your ex has done are:
1) Tricked you into withdrawing the court application
2) Pretended to allow you the week's holiday and overnights but then disrupted those with inappropriate phone calls (and scared your daughter)
3) Went back to inciting hatred in your daughter and then laughs about it.
Don't negotiate with terrorists. I think the only thing that will make your ex behave is fear of losing residency - which a court application will provide. Even though you won't be asking for residency, she will still fear it - and would have feared that a lot after the details in your previous application.
In addition to fear of losing residency, firm words from a Judge might make her think twice as well.
The problem I can see with the proposed email above is it's pretending you don't know what's causing the behaviour and that plays into ex's hands and, in a way, denies your daughter. You know what's at the bottom of the behaviour and your ex knows you know. I can see you are trying to attempt to get it dealt with but she is not someone to be trusted. She may even use it against you and say it shows you can't handle your daughter or it must be something you're doing or not doing that makes her behave like that.
It's a very tough situation for you. It will just carry on like this. Your ex has all the power to continue manipulating and nobody knows what's happening.
I agree with Resolute it may be better to get an application back in before the MIAM runs out. Just be straight and say you feel an order will protect your daughter. That discussion resolved things initially but they have now reverted again and your daughter is subject to pressure and emotional harm. The social worker already did a wishes and feelings last time and it was positive. That would have helped your case a lot. Which is probably why your ex panicked and pretended to be friendly and want to sort things without court.
The things your ex has done are:
1) Tricked you into withdrawing the court application
2) Pretended to allow you the week's holiday and overnights but then disrupted those with inappropriate phone calls (and scared your daughter)
3) Went back to inciting hatred in your daughter and then laughs about it.
Don't negotiate with terrorists. I think the only thing that will make your ex behave is fear of losing residency - which a court application will provide. Even though you won't be asking for residency, she will still fear it - and would have feared that a lot after the details in your previous application.
In addition to fear of losing residency, firm words from a Judge might make her think twice as well.
Last edited:
Thanx everyone for your advice. I will not send the email I guess I thought it would show I was being reasonable but I can see that’s not the best idea.
I think I’m constantly worrying that I don’t have any actual evidence of what is happening only the fact that the order I have hasn’t worked from the very beginning and the way my little one behaves with me and the things she says but again it would just be my word against mums and I fear I’ll lose what I have now. But in the other hand if it continues I’m going to lose it anyway.
@Ash should I just tweak the original application wording that you did for me? Or re do it given things have happened since that was done?
I think I’m constantly worrying that I don’t have any actual evidence of what is happening only the fact that the order I have hasn’t worked from the very beginning and the way my little one behaves with me and the things she says but again it would just be my word against mums and I fear I’ll lose what I have now. But in the other hand if it continues I’m going to lose it anyway.
@Ash should I just tweak the original application wording that you did for me? Or re do it given things have happened since that was done?
Your evidence is the disrupted time your daughter spends with you.
You have a pattern of the order not being sticked to.
Bite the bullet and apply.
Your ex won't expect it. She will get worse and try not manipulative tactics but what have you got to lose? You can't keep going on the way you are.
You have a pattern of the order not being sticked to.
Bite the bullet and apply.
Your ex won't expect it. She will get worse and try not manipulative tactics but what have you got to lose? You can't keep going on the way you are.
I know I really need to work on my fear and anxiety as that’s probably the reason is struggle so much trying to deal with everything.
But your right I can’t keep going on this way as I’m losing my relationship with my little girl and also failing her by not doing everything I can to try and fix things.
- Status