Advice What can I do???

[Ash]

You are being provoked but just be prepared for these things and have a strategy. It's stress really, when you can't make them behave or do something. If you're in the car, it's tricky. I used to walk away if it was at home and that immediate diffuses any situation as it's not possible to act up in front of a parent who isn't actually there to see. I didn't walk away angrily - I'd just wander into the other room and busy myself with something. Child has chance to get themselves together and then feels a bit certain as they don't know what to do next then.

It sounds like your ex has been working on her before she has her wishes heard.

If you're in the car (is this driving or stationary?). If driving then sometimes you have to shout - for safety reasons. If you're stationary then just get out of the car and don't say anything. But don't show any anger. It's weird and not normal but you're in control. You remove yourself from the situation. You go outside the car (very close to it obviously and fiddle with your phone as if you're not bothered. And see how long she sits there without asking for something.

The other thing is, if you do react, it'll get reported back to the ex probably.

Sorry things have got a bit worse again, but it was to be expected while the court process is underway. At least she is coming.

 

[Resolute]

It does not make you a rubbish father! It is perfectly normal for parents to get short tempered from time to time. Only problem is that you are not in a normal situation.

In my view the mood swings are a part of making herself at home with you. Pushing boundaries to see if you can accommodate the behaviour can be a part of how she assures herself she is safe. I think this is an understandable response to the transition from one care giver to another.

When I said last time about needing to be really gentle. That was more about avoiding the flack from your ex than worry about your daughter.

 

[MagicJ]

Hey, you're a good dad and the time she spends with you she has fun - so don't be too hard on yourself.

Good advice & points above, often we are learning, as Ash said, try calmly removing yourself from the situation, don't worry if you forget to do it or it doesn't go as planned - key thing is try doing it a couple of times to make it routine and a habit, as much for yourself as it is for her.

Glad she's spending time with you pal!

 

[DB2021]

You are being provoked but just be prepared for these things and have a strategy. It's stress really, when you can't make them behave or do something. If you're in the car, it's tricky. I used to walk away if it was at home and that immediate diffuses any situation as it's not possible to act up in front of a parent who isn't actually there to see. I didn't walk away angrily - I'd just wander into the other room and busy myself with something. Child has chance to get themselves together and then feels a bit certain as they don't know what to do next then.

It sounds like your ex has been working on her before she has her wishes heard.

If you're in the car (is this driving or stationary?). If driving then sometimes you have to shout - for safety reasons. If you're stationary then just get out of the car and don't say anything. But don't show any anger. It's weird and not normal but you're in control. You remove yourself from the situation. You go outside the car (very close to it obviously and fiddle with your phone as if you're not bothered. And see how long she sits there without asking for something.

The other thing is, if you do react, it'll get reported back to the ex probably.

Sorry things have got a bit worse again, but it was to be expected while the court process is underway. At least she is coming.

I did do that when we got home I just let her do what she was doing and said nothing then 5 mins later she was back to her normal self.

I take some responsibility as I used to give her things and buy her things to try and stop the behaviour which was the wrong thing to do as I’ve kinda rewarded her for it so now she expects things no matter how she behaves but today I did take my phone away from her and didn’t get her some stickers I was going to and when I dropped her off she was happy. She just seams to flip from happy then so angry now and again but I don’t snap very often it’s just the odd occasion but when I do I do struggle so much afterwards which the feeling of guilt.

I think I try to hard to be the perfect parent when there isn’t one and a lot of it is down to my own childhood which I think maybe I’m not fully over like I thought I was.

 

[DB2021]

It does not make you a rubbish father! It is perfectly normal for parents to get short tempered from time to time. Only problem is that you are not in a normal situation.

In my view the mood swings are a part of making herself at home with you. Pushing boundaries to see if you can accommodate the behaviour can be a part of how she assures herself she is safe. I think this is an understandable response to the transition from one care giver to another.

When I said last time about needing to be really gentle. That was more about avoiding the flack from your ex than worry about your daughter.

I do think she is pushing boundary’s but I’m also to blame a little with the way I’ve tried to handle things previously. If you buy them a MacDonald’s To try calm them down it becomes the norm then when u say no world war 3 kicks off.

I’m learning just need to work on myself and not put myself down so much but that’s not as easy as it should be.

 

[DB2021]

Hey, you're a good dad and the time she spends with you she has fun - so don't be too hard on yourself.

Good advice & points above, often we are learning, as Ash said, try calmly removing yourself from the situation, don't worry if you forget to do it or it doesn't go as planned - key thing is try doing it a couple of times to make it routine and a habit, as much for yourself as it is for her.

Glad she's spending time with you pal!

Thanx Magic.

I think this is more to do with me than my little one.

I’ve done so much work on myself these last 3 years but I think I’m not there yet when I thought I was.

 

[MagicJ]

Thanx Magic.

I think this is more to do with me than my little one.

I’ve done so much work on myself these last 3 years but I think I’m not there yet when I thought I was.

This is the hardest thing to accept, the journey we are all on is a continuous one - the fact that you can acknowledge you have been working on yourself puts you in the top 5% of the world population!

The rest of it is understanding that there is no end state for that journey, as long as you remain self aware and focussed on growth & improvement you're doing a stellar job mate!

 

[Ash]

Hmm. No you don't reward bad behaviour but as someone once said to me - get him an ice cream and he'll be happy. It was an old lady and I thought - don't want to reward bad behaviour. But actually it helps - it gets them out of a meltdown. So when you're getting the macdonalds and she's calm you then have a calm chat and say now that was naughty. And she will know.

She is under pressure because your ex is freaking about the court process and the imminent child's wishes appointment.

Reward chart - then instead of punishing bad behaviour, you're giving her an incentive to gain rewards. Kids love them.

 

[DB2021]

This is the hardest thing to accept, the journey we are all on is a continuous one - the fact that you can acknowledge you have been working on yourself puts you in the top 5% of the world population!

The rest of it is understanding that there is no end state for that journey, as long as you remain self aware and focussed on growth & improvement you're doing a stellar job mate!

So very true mate.

I know I’m a good dad a bloody good one actually I just let things get to me to much especially the words my little one says sometimes when I know she doesn’t mean them.

Parenting is one huge journey and a stressful one but one I wounding give up for anything

 

[DB2021]

Hmm. No you don't reward bad behaviour but as someone once said to me - get him an ice cream and he'll be happy. It was an old lady and I thought - don't want to reward bad behaviour. But actually it helps - it gets them out of a meltdown. So when you're getting the macdonalds and she's calm you then have a calm chat and say now that was naughty. And she will know.

She is under pressure because your ex is freaking about the court process and the imminent child's wishes appointment.

Reward chart - then instead of punishing bad behaviour, you're giving her an incentive to gain rewards. Kids love them.

Definitely going to buy one of those and give it a try.

We’re going g shopping next week to buy things for her room and overnight things like she’s asked for so I’ll add that to the list.

Social worker has already seen her she went on Wednesday for first chat.

Little one has said she wants to stay at mine but she’s also said she doesn’t want to she’s telling me one thing and ex another so it’s difficult. I think some of it is worry as she’s never stayed away from mum before which I understand but I know we will get to where we need to be.

The little things like buying stuff for her room with her are helping her feel in control.

 

[MagicJ]

Definitely going to buy one of those and give it a try.

We’re going g shopping next week to buy things for her room and overnight things like she’s asked for so I’ll add that to the list.

Social worker has already seen her she went on Wednesday for first chat.

Little one has said she wants to stay at mine but she’s also said she doesn’t want to she’s telling me one thing and ex another so it’s difficult. I think some of it is worry as she’s never stayed away from mum before which I understand but I know we will get to where we need to be.

The little things like buying stuff for her room with her are helping her feel in control.

You're headed in the right direction

 

[Ash]

Definitely going to buy one of those and give it a try.

We’re going g shopping next week to buy things for her room and overnight things like she’s asked for so I’ll add that to the list.

Social worker has already seen her she went on Wednesday for first chat.

Little one has said she wants to stay at mine but she’s also said she doesn’t want to she’s telling me one thing and ex another so it’s difficult. I think some of it is worry as she’s never stayed away from mum before which I understand but I know we will get to where we need to be.

The little things like buying stuff for her room with her are helping her feel in control.

Like most children she is trying to please both parents.

 

[Resolute]

Reward chart has worked wonders for me.

I just draw a table myself and when it is full with stars, Reward! You can get 500 stars on amazon for less than 2 quid. It is great because I reward behaviour she doesn't even notice, kindness, patience, friendliness, bravery... It is a lovely way to top off our time together.

 

[Ash]

I think I downloaded one from CBeebies website and then doctored it on computer to say what I wanted. First one was for toilet training, but carried on with them for quite a few years. It was for things like going to bed on time and brushing teeth etc. But you can have a behaviour one combined with an achievement one. Eg learning something new like a new word to spell or something.

This one looks good. You get 10 but could photocopy them to have more - one for each week. You can write in what the achievement or goal is for the day or week. Eg listening, being kind, getting out of the car when asked etc. The main thing is the goal at the end. I had - 20 stars in the week achieved a kinder egg. My son was mad for kinder eggs. Or something similar. They are dead keen to get those stars.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/TOWER-Kids-Reward-Chart-Educational/dp/B07TX9RYVM/ref=sr_1_30?crid=2CT1EO51U2IZU&keywords=behaviour%2Bcharts%2Bfor%2B5%2Byear%2Bold%2Bchildren&qid=1689888633&sprefix=behaviour%2Bcharts%2Bfor%2B5%2Byear%2Bold%2Bchildren%2Caps%2C102&sr=8-30&th=1

 

[DB2021]

Thanx guys I’m definitely going to try this and see how I get on .

I’m the main she’s well behaved she just has the odd outburst which I struggle to control and like you say ash I do think she’s just trying to please both of us and is stuck in the middle which is something I don’t want as the damage that will cause is unimaginable.

Tbf me and ex has a good talk on Wednesday the first time in 3 years things were amicable and she started it asked me “how things had got to this” so we both had our say and agreed to draw a line in things and work together to make sure our little one isn’t affected by it anymore.

Whilst I’m sceptical it’s a huge step as ex has never been that amicable and I did see genuine thought into what she was saying.

 

[Resolute]

Thanx guys I’m definitely going to try this and see how I get on .

I’m the main she’s well behaved she just has the odd outburst which I struggle to control and like you say ash I do think she’s just trying to please both of us and is stuck in the middle which is something I don’t want as the damage that will cause is unimaginable.

Tbf me and ex has a good talk on Wednesday the first time in 3 years things were amicable and she started it asked me “how things had got to this” so we both had our say and agreed to draw a line in things and work together to make sure our little one isn’t affected by it anymore.

Whilst I’m sceptical it’s a huge step as ex has never been that amicable and I did see genuine thought into what she was saying.

I hope this is not the start of her developing a no need for an order position. It might be a good idea to follow up on this type of conversation delicately and see if there is any chance of actual progress. Just a thought.

 

[Ash]

I would be very very suspicious about this and be very very careful. We had discussed before how she might suddenly allow child time without issue and then say "no need for an order". Bottom line is - you can't trust anything she says after what she has done. If she wants to be amicable she can agree a very good consent order at the first hearing. Don't be sidelined.'

Draw a line under what?! She was the one standing at the door calling you stupid and ugly in front of your daughter! You have done nothing wrong at all. She could be just manipulating you. Don't trust what she's said. Let the court process continue. This is your opportunity to get a good watertight order with more time and overnights and don't be seduced into agreeing vague things like "when the child is ready".

This happens. It's very hard, when you're the kind of person who wants things to be amicable and friendly, to get hoodwinked and relax. Remember the worst bits. You know your daughter was instructed as she told you.

Anyway if that felt positive that's good but your ex could flip at the drop of a hat if it suited her, it sounds like.

It's very common for an ex to try and argue "no order needed everything is fine and resolved".

 

[Ash]

Your daughter is the important thing. Don't get soft or hoodwinked into people being nice at the hearing and saying things like "give it time for daughter to come round, blah blah or let her wishes guide things".

Keep 100% focused on achieving a good order for your child to spend good time with you. It is in her best interests and a good court order protects her and protects you.

What happened about the ordered week's holiday by the way? Is she going to let that happen in the interim?

 

[DB2021]

Your daughter is the important thing. Don't get soft or hoodwinked into people being nice at the hearing and saying things like "give it time for daughter to come round, blah blah or let her wishes guide things".

Keep 100% focused on achieving a good order for your child to spend good time with you. It is in her best interests and a good court order protects her and protects you.

What happened about the ordered week's holiday by the way? Is she going to let that happen in the interim?

I know and I am sceptical of what’s happened this week but also there was a genuine desire from her to move forward and be amicable the thing with my ex she can’t hide her fakeness and I didn’t see it this time plus I wonder if social worker spoke to her after spending time with my daughter as she told me when I called her that our daughter has said she wants overnights etc and Tbf to the social worker she doesn’t mince ever words and she does tell ex how it is whether she agrees or not. So if she has said I’ll be telling court little ones wishes which don’t align with ex then she has no way to fight it.

Her parents split when she was young and they didn’t speak for nearly 20 years it was actually our daughter that brought them round to being amicable and she did say she doesn’t want us to end up like they did.

She did invite me to the christening also which surprised me and she also had a go at me for not going to the end of school picnic saying those are the things we should be doing together and moving forward that’s what she wants.

On Thursday when I dropped little one off we stood there for nearly 25mins talking about what she likes to eat etc and our daughter was so happy you could see it just playing around us.

It’s a tough position to be in as I totally understand what your all saying and I’m fully aware that this could all be a ploy but it could also have scared her into releasing if she doesn’t stick to things then things could get a lot worse for her but I do know I can’t be naive.

There’s a few weeks until court so I’m just going to see how things go and go from there. I’m going to raise adding the things I put in my application onto the order we have and see what response I get as I hope we can get it all sorted at first hearing and just put this all to bed.

 

[Resolute]

I am so happy your little one saw you and your ex together acting normally. Mine would do anything to see that simple humanity between her parents. I do not think anybody is suggesting you should just throw things back in your ex's face. It is a case of not letting her blow smoke up your ass. If there is any substance to all she is saying it should lead to concrete change. If it does not lead to change, you need to be in a position where you can show it was empty words. Promises are free, she can give you an endless supply of promises.

Edit
Sorry if that sounds harsh, I was led down a very long garden path, that definitely feeds into my perspective on things. You know your situation best!