Advice What can I do???

[DB2021]

I am so happy your little one saw you and your ex together acting normally. Mine would do anything to see that simple humanity between her parents. I do not think anybody is suggesting you should just throw things back in your ex's face. It is a case of not letting her blow smoke up your ass. If there is any substance to all she is saying it should lead to concrete change. If it does not lead to change, you need to be in a position where you can show it was empty words. Promises are free, she can give you an endless supply of promises.

Edit
Sorry if that sounds harsh, I was led down a very long garden path, that definitely feeds into my perspective on things. You know your situation best!

Not harsh at all Resolute I value your input and opinion given what you have been through yourself.

I know you could see how happy she was playing and just being herself saying mammy this daddy that no anger or hostility just her cheeky self and I do believe we both know that’s what she needs to see. She has made a lot of comments to social worker about us hating each other and us arguing etc which is not something I want her to be saying or going through.

And your right I do need to see concrete change which is what I’ll be expecting I just think given she has said we need to communicate better both of us then I’ll give her a chance to show me that she is serious over these next few weeks and I’ll speak to her again about certain things and moving things forward.

 

[Ash]

plus I wonder if social worker spoke to her after spending time with my daughter

Probably. Plus the information in your application is pretty damning for her. She has every incentive to try and be amenable now or she could get an absolute roasting. Parental Alienation is child abuse basically. She probably feared losing residency.

You know the expression "put your money where your mouth is". Fine to be amicable. But if agreement is going to be reached you need it in a consent order with watertight wording. To be able to reach a reliable consent order, with no tricks and to ensure the order wording is spot on - you would really need a barrister at the first hearing. To negotiate the consent order and have it clearly recorded what is agreed. And ideally take a draft order with you, with everything you want in it. And it can be used for negotiations so nobody can argue with the wording later.

 

[Peanut 21]

Did you shout or was it a raised voice?
There is a difference.

 

[DB2021]

Probably. Plus the information in your application is pretty damning for her. She has every incentive to try and be amenable now or she could get an absolute roasting. Parental Alienation is child abuse basically. She probably feared losing residency.

You know the expression "put your money where your mouth is". Fine to be amicable. But if agreement is going to be reached you need it in a consent order with watertight wording. To be able to reach a reliable consent order, with no tricks and to ensure the order wording is spot on - you would really need a barrister at the first hearing. To negotiate the consent order and have it clearly recorded what is agreed. And ideally take a draft order with you, with everything you want in it. And it can be used for negotiations so nobody can argue with the wording later.

Yeah exactly, I can’t afford a barrister so it’s something I’ll have to do alone but I’m confident and happy doing it.

Tbh my aim is to speak to ex before and try and come to an agreement before the hearing the least time in court the better.


I feel this week has been a positive one and hopefully this is the end of the issues and once court is done life can just move forward.

 

[DB2021]

Did you shout or was it a raised voice?
There is a difference.

I really shouted I did apologise later at home once she had calmed down and she gave me a kiss and told me she loved me but I did really struggle for a while with the guilt that I snapped.

I just need to learn strategies in dealing with things and not let my emotions get the better of me. I’m a work in progress I just hope it hasn’t damaged my relationship with her.

 

[DB2021]

So I’ve been quiet for a while and thought I’d give an update.

I withdrew my court application after speaking to my ex when she received the paperwork and I’ll be honest I did think I’d made a huge huge mistake and also that I’d thrown Ash’s and others advice in there face which was never my intention but I genuinely believed I was doing what was best for my daughter and it does seam like I actually made the right decision.

I’m the most part things have been really good me an ex communicate a lot better now and whilst there’s no love lost we have put that aside and are being amicable well I say that I always have been but ex also has been 100 percent better which is a huge step forward.

I also introduced a behaviour star chart last week which was mentioned by Ash and Resolute I think and well all I can say is the change in my little girl has been nothing short of unbelievable I’ve never seen a her so engaged and interested in it, explaining how she gets good stars and how she gets bad stars and her behaviour has been so much better no kicks offs and when she does slip I just mention it and she snaps out of things. The “dangle the carrot” thing for kids is amazing.

But the biggest update is my little girl as I write this is asleep in her bedroom next door to mine her very first overnight which she asked for and ex agreed to and didn’t sabotage. To say I’m overwhelmed is an understatement as I’ve waited so so long for this day and even better she has already said tonight she wants to stay tomorrow night to .

Whilst I took a huge risk withdrawing from court and this is just the first step as I know things can go bad again very quickly I’m taking this as a huge huge win for me and my relationship with my daughter as I’m the first person she’s stayed with away from mum since she was born so I do know how much of a huge achievement this is for her and I’m so so proud of her.

 

[Ash]

Really pleased to hear things are working out.

 

[Peanut 21]

Excellent news DB. I hope it keeps staying amicable and things are settled for your daughter

 

[nothernsoul]

really good to hear.

all the very best to you and your family

 

[Resolute]

So I’ve been quiet for a while and thought I’d give an update.

I withdrew my court application after speaking to my ex when she received the paperwork and I’ll be honest I did think I’d made a huge huge mistake and also that I’d thrown Ash’s and others advice in there face which was never my intention but I genuinely believed I was doing what was best for my daughter and it does seam like I actually made the right decision.

I’m the most part things have been really good me an ex communicate a lot better now and whilst there’s no love lost we have put that aside and are being amicable well I say that I always have been but ex also has been 100 percent better which is a huge step forward.

I also introduced a behaviour star chart last week which was mentioned by Ash and Resolute I think and well all I can say is the change in my little girl has been nothing short of unbelievable I’ve never seen a her so engaged and interested in it, explaining how she gets good stars and how she gets bad stars and her behaviour has been so much better no kicks offs and when she does slip I just mention it and she snaps out of things. The “dangle the carrot” thing for kids is amazing.

But the biggest update is my little girl as I write this is asleep in her bedroom next door to mine her very first overnight which she asked for and ex agreed to and didn’t sabotage. To say I’m overwhelmed is an understatement as I’ve waited so so long for this day and even better she has already said tonight she wants to stay tomorrow night to .

Whilst I took a huge risk withdrawing from court and this is just the first step as I know things can go bad again very quickly I’m taking this as a huge huge win for me and my relationship with my daughter as I’m the first person she’s stayed with away from mum since she was born so I do know how much of a huge achievement this is for her and I’m so so proud of her.

Thank you for updating us DB2021. I am delighted to read that your daughter had the first overnight with you that she is responding well to the star chart.

If court becomes necessary. You have already got over one of the biggest hurdles! I hope that additional overnights happen and that your separated family falls into a regular pattern that meets the child's needs. A victory is a victory. If you can make things work without litigation, Hoorah!

Doing what you think is best. Is not throwing advice back in people's faces. It is clear that you take all the advice you are given on board.

Please keep updating on how things progress and continue to keep good records just in case.

 

[DB2021]

Thank you for updating us DB2021. I am delighted to read that your daughter had the first overnight with you that she is responding well to the star chart.

If court becomes necessary. You have already got over one of the biggest hurdles! I hope that additional overnights happen and that your separated family falls into a regular pattern that meets the child's needs. A victory is a victory. If you can make things work without litigation, Hoorah!

Doing what you think is best. Is not throwing advice back in people's faces. It is clear that you take all the advice you are given on board.

Please keep updating on how things progress and continue to keep good records just in case.

Thanx Resloute I really appreciate that .

I have had her since Monday so far and she has stayed both nights she is also staying again tonight so this week has been a huge huge victory.

I am hoping that this is then beginning of how things should have been from the start, ex can no longer use the “she’s never stayed out card” so as you say if court ever did have to happen again I’m in a such stronger position.

 

[Resolute]

Long may it last!

But be ready for a switch. Like I say, just in case.

 

[Merlin836]

Thanx Resloute I really appreciate that .

I have had her since Monday so far and she has stayed both nights she is also staying again tonight so this week has been a huge huge victory.

I am hoping that this is then beginning of how things should have been from the start, ex can no longer use the “she’s never stayed out card” so as you say if court ever did have to happen again I’m in a such stronger position.

That's fantastic news and hopefully things will remain calm , which in a ideal world it should do without court arrangements but still ...
It sounds like it's going well and it's great to see a positive outcome .
Well done DB2021

 

[DB2021]

Long may it last!

But be ready for a switch. Like I say, just in case.

Ohhh I’m very aware it could switch. My little one is staying at my sisters tonight and ex txt asking to FaceTime her which I’ve agreed to given it’s the first time she’s been away from mum but have to admit I’m worried what it will cause but I’ll find out very soon.

If the FaceTime causes issues it won’t be happening again and if it causes big issues then it will be court again as I know full well what ex is capable of

 

[DB2021]

That's fantastic news and hopefully things will remain calm , which in a ideal world it should do without court arrangements but still ...
It sounds like it's going well and it's great to see a positive outcome .
Well done DB2021

Thanx Cantonasboots .

I hope they do for my little ones sake as she has not struggled at all these last cpl of days.

Only time will tell so always have to be on my guard.

 

[DB2021]

Another positive update.

FaceTime has happened and ex didn’t cause any issues and little one is happy as Larry at my sisters .

Feels like I’ve won the lottery this week it really does

 

[Ash]

I guess one possible deterrant to your ex starting to cause issues again is - she saw your application wording before you withdrew the application and could see you meant business and had raised serious concerns about your daughter which reflected badly on the ex. It probably scared her into thinking she might lose residency.

Hopefully that will continue to be a deterrant.

 

[Peanut 21]

I wonder whether being without her own mum has weakened her stance?

 

[DB2021]

I guess one possible deterrant to your ex starting to cause issues again is - she saw your application wording before you withdrew the application and could see you meant business and had raised serious concerns about your daughter which reflected badly on the ex. It probably scared her into thinking she might lose residency.

Hopefully that will continue to be a deterrant.

Possibly and I don’t think my ex thought I’d fight as hard as I have, I think she’s always thought I’d give up eventually which was never going to happen.

Yes the way it was worded was very strong and she now knows that I will take it back to court if needed.

I think she will still be sly sometimes just like the first week I had my little one for summer hols which ended up only being 4 days not 7 but this week my little one has shown how she feels and her mum can’t deny that and it also gives me a lot of power and evidence if ever needed.

My sister said little one didn’t even want to stay on phone she just wanted to play and have fun which I think speaks a thousand words. She’s not mentioned mum once whilst she’s been away .

 

[DB2021]

I wonder whether being without her own mum has weakened her stance?

Hmmm I doubt it Peanut my ex has zero empathy for me or anyone else for that matter but narcissist’s never do.

I think it’s probs more what Ash has said and this week has also taken the last bit of power she was trying to claim she had. Little one doesn’t want to stay with you blah blah blah well now little one has made her feelings very clear and I’m over the moon