Advice What can I do???

[DB2021]

So today to my surprise I have my daughter , she was offish when I first got there but eventually she came. We’re sat in my living room eating McDonald’s and watch Alvin and the chipmunks .

Application staying in as I know this is a tactic exs use but today is just the boost I needed she even said to her mum “I’m going with my dad” what a change from what she said only last week.

Damn the love we have for our kids is indescribable

 

[MagicJ]

So today to my surprise I have my daughter , she was offish when I first got there but eventually she came. We’re sat in my living room eating McDonald’s and watch Alvin and the chipmunks .

Application staying in as I know this is a tactic exs use but today is just the boost I needed she even said to her mum “I’m going with my dad” what a change from what she said only last week.

Damn the love we have for our kids is indescribable

Really happy for you @DB2021 , all that heartache worth it & persistence will always pay in the long term

 

[DB2021]

Really happy for you @DB2021 , all that heartache worth it & persistence will always pay in the long term

Thanx Magic .

It sure is and I’ll go through whatever I have to to make sure she has her daddy in her life like she deserves.

Long road ahead and I know what’s coming when the application hits my exs letter box but it has to be done.

This great times horrific times has happened far to many times and what’s been said by my little one is just not 5 year old language so whilst when this happens I think should I stop with court I know I can’t not anymore.

 

[Scoobydoo]

Great to hear my man …. I’m not legally qualified but from my experience I think you should press ahead as it could be a stall tactic …..I was foolish enough to fall for this .. green shutes then she would vanish. But it bought more time for mum to keep turning the screw …. When I acted it was too late and may always be … be aware though I got a nasty backlash from starting proceedings. Just be prepared as again I thought ‘that will
Sort this out ‘. I’m daft it deepened the issue as more stall as a SA allegation got thrown in the mix …..

I pray for you this doesn’t happen and you get an ex that wants to resolve and the thought of court may actually knock some sense into her to think about your little girl. Not like mine who just wants to escalate at any cost

 

[DB2021]

Great to hear my man …. I’m not legally qualified but from my experience I think you should press ahead as it could be a stall tactic …..I was foolish enough to fall for this .. green shutes then she would vanish. But it bought more time for mum to keep turning the screw …. When I acted it was too late and may always be … be aware though I got a nasty backlash from starting proceedings. Just be prepared as again I thought ‘that will
Sort this out ‘. I’m daft it deepened the issue as more stall as a SA allegation got thrown in the mix …..

I pray for you this doesn’t happen and you get an ex that wants to resolve and the thought of court may actually knock some sense into her to think about your little girl. Not like mine who just wants to escalate at any cost

Ohhh yeah I’m going to I suspect she will go volcanic when she gets the papers but I won’t let it continue like it has.

No child flips between so happy with me to as hateful as she has been the last few weeks without manipulation it just doesn’t happen.

It’s a risk but one I’m willing to take because at the very least I’m going to show the ex that I won’t just sit back and do nothing and also worst case scenario I want to be able to show my little girl that I fought with everything I had for her.

I’m so sorry things went so badly for you it shows how bad our system is that women can accuse us of abuse whilst being the one that’s abusing yet we can’t say anything because of the system it’s disgusting. And you’re not daft you did what every other father would do and got screwed by a biased system that isn’t fit for purpose so use that as strength to keep fighting it. We may not beat it but at least we can look our kids in the eye and say I did everything because guaranteed exs are saying the opposite.

But don’t give up that’s what they want and I wouldn’t give any women like that the satisfaction.

Today was a great day but I won’t be naive this time I’m willing to take the risk at court to get my voice heard whether it ends up good or bad.

 

[Peanut 21]

DB2021, when you were still with the ex did you feel pushed out from being with your daughter?
I only ask because I think it's important to understand when the problems first started. Could be straight after the birth, after or after the separation.

 

[DB2021]

DB2021, when you were still with the ex did you feel pushed out from being with your daughter?
I only ask because I think it's important to understand when the problems first started. Could be straight after the birth, after or after the separation.

My ex moved to live with her mam when she was about to give birth so I didn’t get much time with our daughter for about the first 18months.

I lived nearly 3hrs away as at the time I’m stupidly thought her having her mam there to support her etc wwas a good thing and I went up there as much as I could.

But since we broke up she has used that saying I weren’t there so I don’t have the bond with her etc which I agree to a point but my relationship with my daughter has always been really good.

I accept responsibility for not being around like I should have been at start but I was here working all hours to save up to give her the best life and at time I thought it was a good idea obviously now I know how wrong I was. I suspect exs view that she doesn’t need me is due to this so she using that as much as she can.

But even with that it doesn’t explain my daughters hostility towards me and children don’t go from as happy as she is most of the time to as hostile as she has been and it’s happened so many times. It’s not normal behaviour and her language also is not that of a 5 year old.

Ex may not be saying anything directly but our daughter is hearing things and also exs attitude towards me will clearly rub off onto our daughter.

 

[MagicJ]

@bbl you don't need to apologise for trying to provide for your family.

In a normal relationship, the other parent would be supportive of this split of responsibilities and would actively encourage & support the relationship between the parent who has to be away to provide and the child who does not see that parent as often as they would both like.

When relationships breakdown, there is a natural defence mechanism where, as individuals, the majority of the time we are not self-aware so we shift blame away & therefore responsibility to solve the situation. In this case, it is feels like it is a difficult situation for your ex, so instead of working through a challenging social problem to fix, she is just shifting the blame to you allowing her to avoid it all together.

 

[Peanut 21]

My ex moved to live with her mam when she was about to give birth so I didn’t get much time with our daughter for about the first 18months.

I lived nearly 3hrs away as at the time I’m stupidly thought her having her mam there to support her etc wwas a good thing and I went up there as much as I could.

But since we broke up she has used that saying I weren’t there so I don’t have the bond with her etc which I agree to a point but my relationship with my daughter has always been really good.

I accept responsibility for not being around like I should have been at start but I was here working all hours to save up to give her the best life and at time I thought it was a good idea obviously now I know how wrong I was. I suspect exs view that she doesn’t need me is due to this so she using that as much as she can.

But even with that it doesn’t explain my daughters hostility towards me and children don’t go from as happy as she is most of the time to as hostile as she has been and it’s happened so many times. It’s not normal behaviour and her language also is not that of a 5 year old.

Ex may not be saying anything directly but our daughter is hearing things and also exs attitude towards me will clearly rub off onto our daughter.

Maybe have a read of the article I linked in my thread earlier.
Your situation sounds like it relates to it.
The grandmother, mother, daughter dynamic where they are merge.
Your daughter is mirroring her mother.
You have a chance to rectify this due to her age.
I'm not sure on the approach but there must be a way to prove your daughter is enmeshed with her mother.

 

[DB2021]

@bbl you don't need to apologise for trying to provide for your family.

In a normal relationship, the other parent would be supportive of this split of responsibilities and would actively encourage & support the relationship between the parent who has to be away to provide and the child who does not see that parent as often as they would both like.

When relationships breakdown, there is a natural defence mechanism where, as individuals, the majority of the time we are not self-aware so we shift blame away & therefore responsibility to solve the situation. In this case, it is feels like it is a difficult situation for your ex, so instead of working through a challenging social problem to fix, she is just shifting the blame to you allowing her to avoid it all together.

She does she has never accepted responsibility for anything in her life as she has never needed to so she lives in a world where she thinks she can do whatever she likes to whomever she likes.

And the fact she has openly said it’s not her responsibility to encourage or help shows that she can align our daughter with her knowing I will struggle to counter this.

 

[DB2021]

Maybe have a read of the article I linked in my thread earlier.
Your situation sounds like it relates to it.
The grandmother, mother, daughter dynamic where they are merge.
Your daughter is mirroring her mother.
You have a chance to rectify this due to her age.
I'm not sure on the approach but there must be a way to prove your daughter is enmeshed with her mother.

I have Peanut .

I read about it the other night and your right it sounds exactly what is happening with her.

It’s the to and from different behaviours towards me that concern me the most and that is coming from somewhere and I just can’t see how it can be explained as normal child behaviour towards a loving parent.

Obviously getting to see her yesterday was amazing but then also it makes me worry about court it’s a horrible position to be in .

 

[Peanut 21]

You're in a good position just by understanding what the potential cause could be.
My partner didn't start recognising enmeshment until his daughter was a lot older than yours.

 

[DB2021]

You're in a good position just by understanding what the potential cause could be.
My partner didn't start recognising enmeshment until his daughter was a lot older than yours.

I know it’s just tough no matter what.

Hopefully I can stop it from becoming unfixable and that court gives her the shock she needs to just stop.

Court will go one way or the other and a lot of it depends on what her reaction is to court again.

She won’t be happy that I haven’t spoken to her but she’s made it impossible to approach her over the years with what she said and done.

 

[DB2021]

Hi all.

So I have managed to have my daughter both on Sunday and Today , she came out of school no issue and was happy and her normal self the whole time apart from when we got back to her mums house.

So just wondered if anyone has any thoughts on things.

She was off at first on Sunday but once with me happy and again today happy right up until I dropped her off then the hostile behaviour started again it’s as if as soon as she is near home or close to mum she totally changes towards me but when away from mum she’s so happy and her usual cheeky imaginative 5 year old self.

I’m guessing that this is her jumping in to character as she can’t be seen to be happy with me or do you think it’s a way for ex to try and argue that she only changes after she’s been with me? Like I know exs like to use seeing him is causing issues etc etc

 

[MagicJ]

Hi @DB2021 , seems to me you are spot on with the last comment.

She seems to have internalised that its important not to show how happy she is when with you, so it becomes an automatic change.
I'm glad you've had a good couple of days with her, that all builds to helping her create a stronger bond & buttress against EX's actions.

I've been listening to the audio book recommended in one of the threads:

Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex by Amy.J.LBaker & Paul.R.Fine

It has some great reminders on what/how you should handle different situations, what reactions further PA & what reactions support building the foundations of a stronger bond.

 

[DB2021]

Hi @DB2021 , seems to me you are spot on with the last comment.

She seems to have internalised that its important not to show how happy she is when with you, so it becomes an automatic change.
I'm glad you've had a good couple of days with her, that all builds to helping her create a stronger bond & buttress against EX's actions.

I've been listening to the audio book recommended in one of the threads:

Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex by Amy.J.LBaker & Paul.R.Fine

It has some great reminders on what/how you should handle different situations, what reactions further PA & what reactions support building the foundations of a stronger bond.

Hey Magic.

Yeah I can see it when it’s happening it’s horrible but not unexpected.

Bit annoyed at myself as I didn’t handle tonight well and was quiet stern with her as she wouldn’t get out of the car which gets me down as I know none of this is her she is just doing what she believes she has to so I hate the thought that me getting things wrong make it harder for her .

It’s been lovely having time with her again even if it’s not for long but at least I had my little girl back for a little bit.

I will definitely give that a listen as I need to know how to handle the situations as I don’t feel like I should be telling her off or being stern with her when this is all programmed behaviour so to her she’s not doing anything wrong and I understand why she thinks that.

 

[MagicJ]

Sometimes we need a few attempts to get those situations right.

I've handled bedtime for my children wrongly by my standards for a few days on the trot & am trying to tweak my approach to get it right so they're not upset and instead spend those precious moments in a positive way building the bond.

Maybe next time she is over, and has reset to normal, then just remind her of one or two activities you did this weekend & how much you enjoyed them & spending time with her - ask her what she enjoyed the most of those moments. When she's done & you've put her in a good place, just ask an innocent question like - I really struggled helping you out the car last time, how can I do it better so it's easier for you to get out? (or similar)

 

[DB2021]

Sometimes we need a few attempts to get those situations right.

I've handled bedtime for my children wrongly by my standards for a few days on the trot & am trying to tweak my approach to get it right so they're not upset and instead spend those precious moments in a positive way building the bond.

Maybe next time she is over, and has reset to normal, then just remind her of one or two activities you did this weekend & how much you enjoyed them & spending time with her - ask her what she enjoyed the most of those moments. When she's done & you've put her in a good place, just ask an innocent question like - I really struggled helping you out the car last time, how can I do it better so it's easier for you to get out? (or similar)

I know we all make mistakes just really gets to me when I do because the last thing I want to do is make her upset or angry at me considering what she’s already going through.

Sad part is I do try better ways I always try the softly softly first it just doesn’t work when she’s in her hostile mode there is nothing I can say or do to change it and she won’t ever open up to me even when she is happy she just doesn’t speak to me about things but I assume that’s her mum again. She isn’t comfortable opening up to me at all and hasn’t been for a long time.

 

[Resolute]

I have had lots of reports from my ex that my child is cross/upset/unsettled after time with me. Really this indicates a problem with going to my ex rather than a problem spending time with me. I think your situation also shows that the problem does not lie with you.

It is understandable that you are a little harsh at times, I think most parents are. I have never been one for shouting or punishing, but I have had to become extremely soft in my parenting style since separation. The ex tries to turn correction of any kind reported to her into some form of child abuse. I've found that the voice used is really important. I always use a calm and friendly voice. If I have to repeat myself multiple times I plead to be listened to and remind of the number of times I have asked. The voice thing is really easy for a child to understand, friendly/angry, calm/serious, indoor/outdoor, nice/nasty... They can be reminded that we use our nice voice with each other. It got to the point where my kid was acting like I was screaming when all I said was be careful. I think the negativity about me from my ex has become embedded to a degree and I have to be very careful to work around it.

 

[DB2021]

That’s resolute I needed to hear that.

Pretty much every time I use the calm force dot voice even when it’s ignored and I do say how many times I’ve asked so at least I know I’m doing it right pretty much all of the time.

Think today I just annoyed myself for reacting more than I should have and I always beat myself up afterwards as I never want her to think I’m angry at her for any of this when I know it’s not her and I want her to know that I know that.

But I know 100 percent that my early will use my softly softly approach as I can’t handle her, there so clever with how they manipulate every situation to hammer us.