Maybe you could tell your daughter that you need to double check with your ex and the school before thinking about letting her walk alone because you do not think that is allowed at her age. You could ask ex and school to support the message that your daughter is too young to be out on the streets by herself. Once it is clear that all are on the same page, you would be in a position to exercise parental authority when you pick her up. Tell her that you have to walk together. Your ex has created circumstances where your role as dad is compromised, you have to tread so carefully. But, I think this is a point where you can insist. It would be good to find careful ways of showing your daughter some decisions are not her's to make.
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Advice What can I do???
- Thread starter DB2021
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There’s no point messaging ex about anything as I don’t want her knowing the things our daughter is saying to me not in advance of court.
When she said it I did say to her your to young to walk home alone and she did ask why and I said because it’s not safe and that’s why mammy or daddy pick you up.
I know I’m compromised I have been from the start really but not a lot I can do about that when ex and partner are telling her she just needs to tell me she doesn’t want to come etc so its obvious ex wants to erase me and have her little family where she is mum and partner is dad, the last couple of weeks have shown we that with what has happened.
I won’t force her to come with me as that will only enforce what it seams her mum is saying at home.
If in 30mins she refuses again and starts walking home I will just follow her like I did last week and make sure she is safe till she’s home then leave.
When she said it I did say to her your to young to walk home alone and she did ask why and I said because it’s not safe and that’s why mammy or daddy pick you up.
I know I’m compromised I have been from the start really but not a lot I can do about that when ex and partner are telling her she just needs to tell me she doesn’t want to come etc so its obvious ex wants to erase me and have her little family where she is mum and partner is dad, the last couple of weeks have shown we that with what has happened.
I won’t force her to come with me as that will only enforce what it seams her mum is saying at home.
If in 30mins she refuses again and starts walking home I will just follow her like I did last week and make sure she is safe till she’s home then leave.
So went to pick her up.
Teacher pulled me to one side and said she had spoken to my daughter about things but as we walked away back to hostility I didn’t say anything. There was a glimmer of hope as she went in park and snapped out of it for about 10minutes.
Sadly she saw her mams partners daughter near park and ran off to her then the hostility started again and this time she actually spat in my face.
His daughter was telling her to ask me nicely to stay with her.
Had to text mum to come and get her as she just wouldn’t listen to me at all.
Teacher pulled me to one side and said she had spoken to my daughter about things but as we walked away back to hostility I didn’t say anything. There was a glimmer of hope as she went in park and snapped out of it for about 10minutes.
Sadly she saw her mams partners daughter near park and ran off to her then the hostility started again and this time she actually spat in my face.
His daughter was telling her to ask me nicely to stay with her.
Had to text mum to come and get her as she just wouldn’t listen to me at all.
I totally get what you are saying here, it was just a thought on my part.
Just had this message from ex to
“Was xxxxx playing with glass? Cause ibe been told she was and you didnt say anything. If you cant handle her out and about then dont get her from school “
Do I respond or not?
She wasn’t playing with glass but this is what I have to contend with the daughter of her partner is the one obviously saying this whilst also telling her to tell me nicely if she can stay with her.
So no idea how to reply
“Was xxxxx playing with glass? Cause ibe been told she was and you didnt say anything. If you cant handle her out and about then dont get her from school “
Do I respond or not?
She wasn’t playing with glass but this is what I have to contend with the daughter of her partner is the one obviously saying this whilst also telling her to tell me nicely if she can stay with her.
So no idea how to reply
I’ll just add to the above she was playing with the partners daughter and her friends and I was sat on a bench less than 50 yards away. I didn’t see her playing with anything hence not saying anything I’ve replied with this?
“She was playing with xxxxx and her friends in the bandstand and I was sat on the bench so I didn't see her play with glass otherwise I would have said something”
“She was playing with xxxxx and her friends in the bandstand and I was sat on the bench so I didn't see her play with glass otherwise I would have said something”
How about:
"Our daughter did not go out of my sight during her time she was with me today and I did not see her playing with glass while she was with me. If ever there were a concern like this I would update you. Please let me know who told you I watched our daughter playing with glass."
"Our daughter did not go out of my sight during her time she was with me today and I did not see her playing with glass while she was with me. If ever there were a concern like this I would update you. Please let me know who told you I watched our daughter playing with glass."
I'm really sorry you've had this again. Five year olds don't refuse to go with parents unless they've been encouraged to. The spitting again is pretty horrific. I agree start mediation and get your application filled out. Overnights are not progressing and school pickups aren't even court ordered (which might be another reason your ex is doing it this way). And you've witnessed your ex and partner telling your daughter to tell you she doesn't want to come. I think the courts need to know what's going on. They need to deal with your ex. You have done nothing wrong - your ex is simply flouting and frustrating the court order.
I resolute I have already replied with the above.
Might not have been great but it was the honest answer my daughter didn’t want me near her so I had no choice but to sit back away from her while she played with ex’s partners daughter so I didn’t see anything.
And I already knew who told her as she has roped in his daughter to encourage things as she was telling my daughter to come and tell me nicely that she wants to stay with her and for me to go
Quick questions guys.
Do you think I should stop trying to pick my little girl up from school for a while given how much stress and emotional turmoil it’s causing her?
I don’t want to give it up but with what’s happening I don’t know what to do for the best.
I’d still turn up to pick her up from a mums but would it cause less issues that way
Do you think I should stop trying to pick my little girl up from school for a while given how much stress and emotional turmoil it’s causing her?
I don’t want to give it up but with what’s happening I don’t know what to do for the best.
I’d still turn up to pick her up from a mums but would it cause less issues that way
I think it will be the same issue either way, as you know from before. At least picking up from school, the ex isn't there as well. You could try speaking to the school (which I think you're on with) and they can maybe help a bit but they can't enforce orders or make sure the child actually goes home with you. Do you have a meal together normally (or did you) during your two hours? ie would you normally go home and cook her tea?
Yeah true I just thought maybe it would take a bit of the emotion turmoil from her that’s all.
And tbh I don’t want to backwards because then she’s winning.
Yeah I’ve emailed headteacher again today updating her and to pass on what’s happened to my daughters teacher given she spoke to me about it when I went today. I need a face to face meeting asap really just to emphasis the support she needs.
Yeah I would bring her home and make her tea or we would go out somewhere but I always made sure she was fed
@DB2021 , stick it at pal, don't let them force you to change your routine.
I hadn't realised your kids was just 5yo, that's such callous behaviour from the 2 adults in that household, not caring one jot about a 5yo needs for their father and just filling her head with nonsense.
As the others & you have suggested, keeping doing the routine, keep it neutral, ignore the vitriol, when she does play up, just smile kindly and tell her that daddy still loves her no matter what.
I think even at 10, when they're starting to get hormones kicking in, and say all sorts of things, they do know that they can do it safely because Dad's shown he can take it, and that also means they know that dad never wants them to be sad
I hadn't realised your kids was just 5yo, that's such callous behaviour from the 2 adults in that household, not caring one jot about a 5yo needs for their father and just filling her head with nonsense.
As the others & you have suggested, keeping doing the routine, keep it neutral, ignore the vitriol, when she does play up, just smile kindly and tell her that daddy still loves her no matter what.
I think even at 10, when they're starting to get hormones kicking in, and say all sorts of things, they do know that they can do it safely because Dad's shown he can take it, and that also means they know that dad never wants them to be sad
Sorry DB, I missed the message saying you have sent already.
Thanx Magic.
I’m going to tried a new tact yesterday which seamed to work.
She was hostile straight away so I just said “daddy loves you so much, it’s your choice how you behave good or bad but whatever you choose daddy still loves you very much”
That seamed to make her think because she stopped for a couple of minutes and then when we got to park she did snap out of it for a little bit sadly it didn’t last but it shows me my little girl is still there just fighting the turmoil she must be going through.
There not a nice family at all but it makes me even more determined to be the normal one and show her a different path.
It is hard to stand there and take it but I know it’s not my little girl and she doesn’t deserve to be told off for doing what she believes she must.
MIAM applied for so I’ve got the ball rolling just got to prepare for the hell im about to go through for going back to court.
Please be strong. I’m a newbie and going through as case myself.
Like you I was facing hostility from my little girl which I had an amazing relationship with . The hostility was being caused by mum now it appears and step dad who were spinning stuff and making her life hell but sadly I acted to late
Like you I was fearful of upsetting anyone especially my daughter. Was worried about the court process. And the worst actually trusted mum to assist us getting reunited naturally when eventually I was told she didn’t want to see me at all.
For me it may be too late as my the time I acted it seems the alienation is complete.
To make matters worse as you’ll read a SA abuse allegation was thrown in to delay or scupper any chance of being reunited whilst being investigated . ( remarkabley just after my court application went in and allegedly happened 3 years ago)
It gets even worse first hearing whilst SA being asked to be investigated an interim order made that I could continue to see son ( supported ) as before. .. 2 weeks on she stops contact … clinging onto concerns about this SA abuse allegation. And now claiming the interim order is not valid as she did not agree it. She wasn’t sent a draft copy etc etc.
I dont mean to go into too much details about mine as it’s about you but what I’m trying to say is try to nip this in the bud mate now. Try to find the strength and courage to use the appropriate channels to help asap. This smacks exactly the same as what I did or didn’t do and I fear now the alienantion is complete on daughters side. And now she is trying her hardest with my son. I hope the courts act swiftly in 2 weeks to enforce the interim order or I fear I may lose my son too.
Good luck out there man. It’s horrid and as I’ve posted before it can drag you to the lowest points. Do it for her .. not to get back at your ex or new partner that mindset may help when speaking to the professionals . I’ve done this whilst stating the facts around the situation but have never painted the finger aggressively at ex as the perpetrator. ‘She doesn’t seem to encourage contact which I find upsetting ‘ rather than. She is clearly the obstacle in this and feeding my daughter all this and making her hate me ‘
They will work out what’s going on.
Well I hope they will and I pray for you and me. Please act now before it’s too late or it escalated into something not easily reversible even with the courts help.
Like you I was facing hostility from my little girl which I had an amazing relationship with . The hostility was being caused by mum now it appears and step dad who were spinning stuff and making her life hell but sadly I acted to late
Like you I was fearful of upsetting anyone especially my daughter. Was worried about the court process. And the worst actually trusted mum to assist us getting reunited naturally when eventually I was told she didn’t want to see me at all.
For me it may be too late as my the time I acted it seems the alienation is complete.
To make matters worse as you’ll read a SA abuse allegation was thrown in to delay or scupper any chance of being reunited whilst being investigated . ( remarkabley just after my court application went in and allegedly happened 3 years ago)
It gets even worse first hearing whilst SA being asked to be investigated an interim order made that I could continue to see son ( supported ) as before. .. 2 weeks on she stops contact … clinging onto concerns about this SA abuse allegation. And now claiming the interim order is not valid as she did not agree it. She wasn’t sent a draft copy etc etc.
I dont mean to go into too much details about mine as it’s about you but what I’m trying to say is try to nip this in the bud mate now. Try to find the strength and courage to use the appropriate channels to help asap. This smacks exactly the same as what I did or didn’t do and I fear now the alienantion is complete on daughters side. And now she is trying her hardest with my son. I hope the courts act swiftly in 2 weeks to enforce the interim order or I fear I may lose my son too.
Good luck out there man. It’s horrid and as I’ve posted before it can drag you to the lowest points. Do it for her .. not to get back at your ex or new partner that mindset may help when speaking to the professionals . I’ve done this whilst stating the facts around the situation but have never painted the finger aggressively at ex as the perpetrator. ‘She doesn’t seem to encourage contact which I find upsetting ‘ rather than. She is clearly the obstacle in this and feeding my daughter all this and making her hate me ‘
They will work out what’s going on.
Well I hope they will and I pray for you and me. Please act now before it’s too late or it escalated into something not easily reversible even with the courts help.
Hi Eagle.
I’m so sorry to hear that your daughter has been lost to you but don’t ever give up our little girls are always in there no matter what is being said to them about us.
I have already started the ball rolling with the amazing help of Ash so MIAM scheduled on Tuesday then application going in Friday.
I’m hopeful that I haven’t left it to late as Wednesday there was a glimmer that my little girl was there so I don’t think she’s gone entirely but that is why I haven’t messed spring and go things in place very quickly.
I have the strength and I won’t ever give up my ex’s biggest mistake is underestimating me and thinking that I’m doing nothing behind the scenes.
I also won’t be drawn in the mud slinging I despise the women but I won’t ever give her the satisfaction in seeing me react because she isn’t worth it and my daughter means more to me than ever letting her beat me mentally.
It’s torture hearing my little girl say the things she does and also the things she does to me but I know that it isn’t her and she doesn’t know any better the blame lies solely with her mum and one day karma will hit her hard but that no longer matters to me my focus is on supporting and doing everything I can to help my daughter.
Whether I win or she rejects me entirely I will challenger my ex until I’m in the ground and my fears about upsetting her have long gone. She can do what she likes and react any way she wants to but at no point will I ever retaliate because I’m a million times the parent and human being than she could ever wish to be.
I hope you get the right outcome and I’m sure you will in time it’s a long long road for us dads fighting baseless accusations and some heinous ones but as long as we do all we can and we do it the right way no one can say we’re not a father.
Stay strong to brother our kids needs us as you’ve said and we both have the strength to fight the injustices of family law in this country
It's not too late. Even if she was completely alienated, it can reverse within two weeks and they become normal children again. That bond is still there and the "real child" is locked away inside the manipulated brain. It takes some time away from the Mother and no contact with her. Even a two week holiday can do it, providing you can avoid phone contact with the Mother a lot.
I've been there - the difference was, my son was still coming fairly regularly - at least in the holidays. I ended up booking something for every school holiday period so I could get him here (my ex knew I could get an urgent specific issues order if I had something booked).
So during a two week holiday period - by day 10 he was a normal happy, loving child again. The first 10 days wasn't great.
That's why it's so important to get as much time as you can and as regularly as you can, with no long gaps away. And a tightly worded order with no wriggle room.
In severe cases, if the court decides the child is alienated they can transfer residency.
So all I'm saying is - they can become alienated in 24 hours with enough head messing. It can wear off again within a few days to 10 days of being with you and away from the alienating parent.
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