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Advice What can I do???
- Thread starter DB2021
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Yeah especially mineI think a lot of 5 year old girls are quite headstrongAt least she doesn't sound the nervous type so overnights should be a piece of cake!
but I like that and I want her to be like that.No she’s quiet fearless with a lot of things but the bits of anxiety she does have her mam plays on that to keep control as overnights is the only but she has left sad really as the only person she’s hurting is our daughter.
I’m going to start looking at the room and next week after school I’m going to ask for her opinions on what she wants in there pics etc so she knows it’s hers and hopefully it will make her feel safe and excited about getting to choose things
Does she have toys etc at your house? My son was very into the soft toys for quite some time. And lego. The lego drove me mad actually - tiny bits all over the place! He was collecting all the little lego people as well. That's an option too - get a lego kit you can build together and it'd be something for her room on a table or something.
Do you know what she is into at the moment? Girls seem to like Frozen. This one only takes about 10 minutes to build apparently.
Or for something less girly there's this Disney Moana one. My son used to like Moana. Moana is more of a feisty girl! It says age 6 plus but it'll be fine with two of you. We always got older age group kits and my son had no problems.
Ikea do safe lamps for kids rooms as well. No exposed light bulbs and not hot to touch. That's maybe something you could get for the room so it looks child friendly. She can choose other things like things for the wall or a rug or something. I just got a fleece blanket for the bed initially - they always like fleece blankets!
www.ikea.com
BRUMMIG LED table lamp, forest patterned - IKEA
BRUMMIG LED table lamp, forest patterned This LED table lamp spreads a soft light that feels cosy and snug. It’s also tested to some of the world's toughest safety requirements. Does your child recognise all the forest animals? Gives a soft mood light.
Hey @DB2021 ,
I just wanted to pick up on this, like you I am an over-thinker & this type of situation can be an extra strain for people of this persuasion.
Even though I am at the early stages of my journey, I am already dedicating an inordinate amount of time, physically & mentally.
What I will say, it is clear as daylight that you care so much about your daughter, that immediately puts you in GOOD DAD category.
The fact that you will never slight your daughters Mother to avoid conflict/stress in your daughter puts you in the GREAT DAD category.
Just take a moment to appreciate that, then never let anyone ever tell you or make you feel otherwise.
There are plenty of single mothers wishing for the support of an EX like you, so their Children could have had a properly supported upbringing.
YES, you will make mistakes, parenting wasn't taught, we learnt from what we saw & now there is plenty of material to draw from.
BUT every child is different & not every approach out there will work well for your daughter so you just need to try them one by one.
What I found useful for me was two things:
- TOMORROW is a NEW day, what matters about today is, if you feel you did it wrong, see how you can do it better tomorrow.
- INVEST in YOURSELF, your daughter will need her father & taking the time to develop your best self for both of you is worth it.
When we approach our problems, 80% is what we think & 20% is the actual problem itself, the forum is clearly here to help deal with both.
If you are feeling anxious, just post or reach out to one of us on DM, you will likely find that helps deal with the over-thinking pretty quickly.
Separately, I'm not really a picture taker so there aren't many of me & the kids but now I take pictures & videos of every happy moment I can.
When they are older, they may not remember but seeing is believing, so enjoy the moments but record them as well for future her
Yes she’s got plenty of toys at mine also has a toy box and a little children’s table but there in the living room at the minute.
She loves lol dolls and Squishmallows and actually Lego so I’ll be looking for those type of things.
Really I need bedding and posters etc but a nice lamp and a few other bits and bobs would be great.
I’m going to have a look tonight and see what’s about and get some ideas in my head then spend next week looking through them and getting her to choose so she knows it’s all hers and she’s building her room to how she likes it.
Just not going to mention staying over at all and let her open up herself in her own time
She loves lol dolls and Squishmallows and actually Lego so I’ll be looking for those type of things.
Really I need bedding and posters etc but a nice lamp and a few other bits and bobs would be great.
I’m going to have a look tonight and see what’s about and get some ideas in my head then spend next week looking through them and getting her to choose so she knows it’s all hers and she’s building her room to how she likes it.
Just not going to mention staying over at all and let her open up herself in her own time
Like @Ash said earlier & I you've agreed with, involve her in the decisions on the room, it is her room and she will feel this more if she's had a say on colours, furniture, toys , where to put stuff - all of which is great conversation and bonding time on each decisions.
If you make each purchase or change an outing or an exciting adventure it will bond her further to the room and therefore to staying with you.
Hi Magic.Hey @DB2021 ,
I just wanted to pick up on this, like you I am an over-thinker & this type of situation can be an extra strain for people of this persuasion.
Even though I am at the early stages of my journey, I am already dedicating an inordinate amount of time, physically & mentally.
What I will say, it is clear as daylight that you care so much about your daughter, that immediately puts you in GOOD DAD category.
The fact that you will never slight your daughters Mother to avoid conflict/stress in your daughter puts you in the GREAT DAD category.
Just take a moment to appreciate that, then never let anyone ever tell you or make you feel otherwise.
There are plenty of single mothers wishing for the support of an EX like you, so their Children could have had a properly supported upbringing.
YES, you will make mistakes, parenting wasn't taught, we learnt from what we saw & now there is plenty of material to draw from.
BUT every child is different & not every approach out there will work well for your daughter so you just need to try them one by one.
What I found useful for me was two things:
I turned to physical fitness with defined milestones as a way to keep my mind from over-thinking, seeing the change & being tired was helpful!
- TOMORROW is a NEW day, what matters about today is, if you feel you did it wrong, see how you can do it better tomorrow.
- INVEST in YOURSELF, your daughter will need her father & taking the time to develop your best self for both of you is worth it.
When we approach our problems, 80% is what we think & 20% is the actual problem itself, the forum is clearly here to help deal with both.
If you are feeling anxious, just post or reach out to one of us on DM, you will likely find that helps deal with the over-thinking pretty quickly.
Separately, I'm not really a picture taker so there aren't many of me & the kids but now I take pictures & videos of every happy moment I can.
When they are older, they may not remember but seeing is believing, so enjoy the moments but record them as well for future her
Thank you for your words there very kind of you.
I’m so much better now with my worrying not perfect but considering where I was 12 months ago I’m really proud of where I’ve got to, I know how my daughter feels the time we have together shows that even in the bad times the fact she is able to tell me what mum is saying shows she’s not swayed by it fully and that it’s not me personally just a little girl doing what she’s told without knowing why it hurts etc and I’m actually so proud of her with how she is dealing with it all.
Pictures and videos are my thing I take hundreds and I have them on Facebook and printed her toy box is full of them as are my walls. I always wanted those memories captured so if the worst ever did happen I could discredit what she is being told but I do believe she is strong enough herself to not be alienated as her mum is trying and it’s not working as she still comes and she tells me.
One thing I have learnt is that parenting is a constant learning experience and no parent is perfect despite my ex believing she is.
My daughter is number one and I’ll do whatever is necessary to make sure she’s happy and has me in her life.
Never heard of squishmallows lol. I'm off to look them up. Seriously, get a fleece blanket for the bed. She can choose things like duvet covers later as you don't want to do too much too soon. I say that because my son is now 15 and he still keeps that fleece blanket with him! He had cool duvet covers etc but only a very light duvet for safety reasons, so in winter I got this fleece blanket to fold on the end of the bed he could pull up if he got cold. He loved that blanket and still does. They are snuggly - they are literally a comfort blanket. If he was lying on the sofa, the blanket would come down.
It was just something like this. They come in various colours. Dead cheap as well and dry in a few hours if washed
It was just something like this. They come in various colours. Dead cheap as well and dry in a few hours if washed
I hadn’t heard of them either until my little one pointed it out in the shop she loves them as they all have names.
Ahhh yeah that’s a great idea I’m going to look at the links when I get home from work and write down some ideas.
I’m actually really excited to do it and I’m sure my little one will be to especially picking things out she loves that sort of thing
she loves them as they all have names.Ahhh yeah that’s a great idea I’m going to look at the links when I get home from work and write down some ideas.
I’m actually really excited to do it and I’m sure my little one will be to especially picking things out she loves that sort of thing
oddly, I'd not heard of them either but bought the girls one each a few weeks ago, I have to say they make the most amazing pillows, they take them to bed every night which means it was a worthwhile purchase!I hadn’t heard of them either until my little one pointed it out in the shop
Ahhh yeah that’s a great idea I’m going to look at the links when I get home from work and write down some ideas.
I’m actually really excited to do it and I’m sure my little one will be to especially picking things out she loves that sort of thing
off topic slightly...was thinking about buying one for myself instead of a pillow!
There awesome and such a good thing for the little ones to collect.
I have like 5 on her birthday list
.The big ones are so comfy so I wouldn’t blame you haha
Hi all.
Sadly not a good update at all so I’m in desperate need of advice of what to do next.
Things had been going so well half term was perfect and last week was okay bar a couple of issues but today I went to pick her up from school and straight away she was saying she didn’t want me there then stormed off towards home. I caught up with her and she said and I quote “I hate you” “I wish you were dead” and “ex’s new partners name is a better dad than you” I’m literally sat here broken to hear these things coming from her is just the worst pain imaginable.
I have no idea how to handle this anymore I tried the ignore and deflect and it just doesn’t work she continued to scream at me and tell me how she doesn’t want to see me anymore and just walked all the way back to her mums house.
Soon as she saw her mam she ran straight into her arms and when I said I’ll see you tomorrow and I love you she said just go away.
So I left as soon as I knew she was safe back at her mams.
This can’t continue anymore because I know I’ll lose her all together if I don’t fight this and challenge it but I don’t have any idea how to begin doing that.
I am going to email the school now and ask for a meeting as they were supposed to be supporting her but I don’t know whether this is continuing but I feel they need to know what is happening.
I know whatever I do is going to cause my ex to explode as any thought of me accusing her of this she will flip her lid but I no longer care about that as I’m clever enough to know a 5 year old doesn’t just come up with those things and given she has told me herself more than once that her mam has told her to misbehave when she’s with me it’s so obvious what’s happening.
Can I have as much advice of what to do moving forward as I know I can’t just go back to court and say this is happening etc but I need to start things now as I know the longer I leave it the risk of losing my little girl entirely gets bigger and bigger.
Sadly not a good update at all so I’m in desperate need of advice of what to do next.
Things had been going so well half term was perfect and last week was okay bar a couple of issues but today I went to pick her up from school and straight away she was saying she didn’t want me there then stormed off towards home. I caught up with her and she said and I quote “I hate you” “I wish you were dead” and “ex’s new partners name is a better dad than you” I’m literally sat here broken to hear these things coming from her is just the worst pain imaginable.
I have no idea how to handle this anymore I tried the ignore and deflect and it just doesn’t work she continued to scream at me and tell me how she doesn’t want to see me anymore and just walked all the way back to her mums house.
Soon as she saw her mam she ran straight into her arms and when I said I’ll see you tomorrow and I love you she said just go away.
So I left as soon as I knew she was safe back at her mams.
This can’t continue anymore because I know I’ll lose her all together if I don’t fight this and challenge it but I don’t have any idea how to begin doing that.
I am going to email the school now and ask for a meeting as they were supposed to be supporting her but I don’t know whether this is continuing but I feel they need to know what is happening.
I know whatever I do is going to cause my ex to explode as any thought of me accusing her of this she will flip her lid but I no longer care about that as I’m clever enough to know a 5 year old doesn’t just come up with those things and given she has told me herself more than once that her mam has told her to misbehave when she’s with me it’s so obvious what’s happening.
Can I have as much advice of what to do moving forward as I know I can’t just go back to court and say this is happening etc but I need to start things now as I know the longer I leave it the risk of losing my little girl entirely gets bigger and bigger.
Do the school have a copy of the court order? I think your only option now is to either enforce or apply to vary and highlight the emotional harm and frustration of the order.
Which route you take, takes some thinking about. It's good to get school involved - however they can't enforce orders.
Which route you take, takes some thinking about. It's good to get school involved - however they can't enforce orders.
No the school don’t have a copy or not that I’m aware of.
I know they can’t get involved in that side of things but they were supporting my daughter at beggining and I feel this needs to continue and be ramped up as there’s no change in her behaviour at school it’s just me.
She comes out when I get her but now it’s becoming more and more challenging given soon as she sees me now she’s already ready to say these things and misbehave. The school don’t know this is happening hence asking for a meeting with them so I can get my concerns across but also find out if anything is happening in school.
How can I really enforce the order? As she does come it’s her behaviour when she does and the things she is saying to me that’s the issue.
I’m out of my depth now and I have no idea how to handle all this but one thing I do know is I’m seeing my little girl slip further and further away from me right in front of me eyes.
So basically your ex didn't manipulate her when the school and social services were involved, but now SW is not involved your ex has started it up again.
Don't let this get into your head. Your ex is quite capable of allowing your daughter to be normal with you but she is actively poisoning her against you so she says hateful things. She is just a little girl whose mind can be messed with. Don't see this behaviour as your daughter, she has been manipulated into it to please her Mother.
The court can enforce the order and tell the Mother to follow the order. The courts know that it is not normal for a 5 year old to reject a parent if the other parent has said - you're going with Dad tonight. The onus and obligation is on your ex. This is serious stuff and needs nipping in the bud so your daughter doesn't suffer emotional harm.
It's you're only option - if the court doesn't know about it, they can't do anything. Whether enforcement or variation is the thing to apply for needs working out and thinking about.
Don't let this get into your head. Your ex is quite capable of allowing your daughter to be normal with you but she is actively poisoning her against you so she says hateful things. She is just a little girl whose mind can be messed with. Don't see this behaviour as your daughter, she has been manipulated into it to please her Mother.
The court can enforce the order and tell the Mother to follow the order. The courts know that it is not normal for a 5 year old to reject a parent if the other parent has said - you're going with Dad tonight. The onus and obligation is on your ex. This is serious stuff and needs nipping in the bud so your daughter doesn't suffer emotional harm.
It's you're only option - if the court doesn't know about it, they can't do anything. Whether enforcement or variation is the thing to apply for needs working out and thinking about.
Put it like this. If you were a 5 year child who lived most of the time with your Mum and Stepdad and your Mum dropped you off at school in the morning and said - you must not go with your Dad when he comes - whatever he says - you must walk home to my house.
What would you do? You would follow Mum's instructions because children are ingrained to do that. So the issue is your ex. The hatred has probably come from some more serious negative verbal stuff the ex has been instilling.
Also with parental alienation - you need to be clear that this is not the "real" child. The real nice normal happy child is inside in a box and the child who is spouting hate has been manipulated into behaving unlike a normal child - almost like an alien or parroting someone else's words. Once the alienated child is away from the alienator for a period of time the real child emerges again and forgets the alienation.
It's like these cults.
What would you do? You would follow Mum's instructions because children are ingrained to do that. So the issue is your ex. The hatred has probably come from some more serious negative verbal stuff the ex has been instilling.
Also with parental alienation - you need to be clear that this is not the "real" child. The real nice normal happy child is inside in a box and the child who is spouting hate has been manipulated into behaving unlike a normal child - almost like an alien or parroting someone else's words. Once the alienated child is away from the alienator for a period of time the real child emerges again and forgets the alienation.
It's like these cults.
Well she did manipulate her even when the social worker was involved but not to this extent I don’t think.
It feels like you said a while back where she’s showing her power of allowing our daughter to come sometimes but then when she wants making her change her behaviour towards me.
I do know it’s not my daughter I’ve always known that but it’s tough when it happens because I don’t want to tell her off because of that fact but then if I say nothing she will think it’s okay to do it so I’m at a loss of what to do when it happens because I’ve tried distracting her but if she’s in that mind frame then there’s no changing it.
Tbh I think I know the reason why it’s happened my ex text me on Tuesday asking if I could change my day with her from Thursday after school to Friday after work as they have some charity thing for her mam up where she used to live on Thursday evening but I have a feeling they were travelling tonight so me having her till 6 probs didn’t suit her.
It’s the hateful things being said is what concerns me more and I will no longer do nothing about it.
I know and thats why I am now going to take that next step in trying to deal with it I just need help in what and how to do it and the best route to take.
Do I message ex about this or leave it and just go to court?
And which option is best enforce or vary that’s what I need help with
It feels like you said a while back where she’s showing her power of allowing our daughter to come sometimes but then when she wants making her change her behaviour towards me.
I do know it’s not my daughter I’ve always known that but it’s tough when it happens because I don’t want to tell her off because of that fact but then if I say nothing she will think it’s okay to do it so I’m at a loss of what to do when it happens because I’ve tried distracting her but if she’s in that mind frame then there’s no changing it.
Tbh I think I know the reason why it’s happened my ex text me on Tuesday asking if I could change my day with her from Thursday after school to Friday after work as they have some charity thing for her mam up where she used to live on Thursday evening but I have a feeling they were travelling tonight so me having her till 6 probs didn’t suit her.
It’s the hateful things being said is what concerns me more and I will no longer do nothing about it.
I know and thats why I am now going to take that next step in trying to deal with it I just need help in what and how to do it and the best route to take.
Do I message ex about this or leave it and just go to court?
And which option is best enforce or vary that’s what I need help with
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