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You are not alone.
- Thread starter Kyle
- Start date
I have finally had a conversation with my son's school and been reassuringly informed that he seems happy but they will be vigilant for any changes which is really comforting to know. I really wasn't aware I could do this and I do feel slightly less powerless which is in itself a relief. I've just got to try and ride it out till the first court hearing.
I now have quite a substantial pack of printed text message screen-shots that contain all of the false allegations. Denial of access, unfathomable contradictions and statements that claim if I ever want to see my son again I will have to take her to court. I am learning more and more about the theory of Parental Alienation and the process through which a child becomes estranged from one parent as the result of the psychological manipulation of another parent. The more I understand, the more I question my own life choices. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I now have quite a substantial pack of printed text message screen-shots that contain all of the false allegations. Denial of access, unfathomable contradictions and statements that claim if I ever want to see my son again I will have to take her to court. I am learning more and more about the theory of Parental Alienation and the process through which a child becomes estranged from one parent as the result of the psychological manipulation of another parent. The more I understand, the more I question my own life choices. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Understanding it helps now how to deal with it. The most important thing is
1) As much time as you can possibly get with the kids. If they're away from her it wears off and she can't mess with their heads and even if you can't stop her trying to do that, they get half their life experiencing normality - which helps them when they're older.
2) I had to temporarily learn a whole different way of parenting - because it's not like parenting a normal child (if the alienation is having severe effects) and used all the tips in the Amy J Baker book linked on here. Thankfully that was only a temporary situation because number 1 above helps get things back to normal.
Glad the school were helpful. Schools have a legal obligation to deal with both parents who have parental responsibility. If they refuse (because the ex has told them to) you go over their heads to the local authority and then the school does what it's told!
Some schools are really helpful - they care about kids. Some are not - they just don't want to get involved with warring parents. But they have to respond to any concerns or reply to anything you write to them and keep you updated with reports etc.
Their systems are only geared to deal with one parent or a standard family - at primary school newsletters are just put in the school bag etc so only one parent gets them. But if you write to them and ask for copies for both parents and your copies to be emailed they will usually do that.
1) As much time as you can possibly get with the kids. If they're away from her it wears off and she can't mess with their heads and even if you can't stop her trying to do that, they get half their life experiencing normality - which helps them when they're older.
2) I had to temporarily learn a whole different way of parenting - because it's not like parenting a normal child (if the alienation is having severe effects) and used all the tips in the Amy J Baker book linked on here. Thankfully that was only a temporary situation because number 1 above helps get things back to normal.
Glad the school were helpful. Schools have a legal obligation to deal with both parents who have parental responsibility. If they refuse (because the ex has told them to) you go over their heads to the local authority and then the school does what it's told!
Some schools are really helpful - they care about kids. Some are not - they just don't want to get involved with warring parents. But they have to respond to any concerns or reply to anything you write to them and keep you updated with reports etc.
Their systems are only geared to deal with one parent or a standard family - at primary school newsletters are just put in the school bag etc so only one parent gets them. But if you write to them and ask for copies for both parents and your copies to be emailed they will usually do that.
My sons school have been brilliant. They are really nice people and have called me numerous times for chats and have sent me lots in the post. They have vowed to keep an eye on him and notify me of any sign of distress. This has made such a difference. I am getting through each day a bit better now and more focused on my court date. I just have to have faith that common sense will be on my side.
A little update in my saga. I received a very unexpected text late last night. From my ex! COMPLAINING about everything. Expressing her disgruntlement at struggling alone! Losing her freedom!! Not having any time to herself!! Claiming she is 'financially ruined' because she has my son 24/7 and that everything is my fault!!!
Once I composed myself and peeled myself off my bedroom floor, I politely reminded her that everything was happening because of her actions. Not mine. We had a perfectly functioning arrangement in place that never needed to change. I was giving her £50 per week directly into her bank account. She enjoyed more freedom as a result than probably any mother in history. But she then denied me access. She called the CMS to try and spite me and it backfired. She now gets less money. She has eliminated me from the equation.
She claimed that if I had made more effort to speak to her about things it wouldn't of gone this far!!! She messaged after 4 weeks of asking that "If you want to see your son again you will have to take me to court!" So that's exactly what I have done and she is obviously feeling the pressure now. I told her she has the power to stop this. All she has to do is stop.
She rambled on about her plans for the year being ruined and, again, I reminded her of why we are where we are.
Out of nowhere she then set her sights on my dad. My dad is a 68 year old former naval officer and has done more for her than anyone. He has spent thousands trying to help and has had my son more than me over the last few years. He has managed to remain neutral even though he know's it's appalling what she's doing. But she has found out that my dad has been helping me out (he has a very knowledgeable ex lawyer friend) who has given me free tips. My ex is now saying she doesn't wan't my dad anywhere near my son ever again, whatever the outcome of the FHDRA etc with no reason why. But I know why. She's realised he's now taken a side.
Can she do this? Can she ask the court to set a condition that I cannot take my son to see his grampy?
Once I composed myself and peeled myself off my bedroom floor, I politely reminded her that everything was happening because of her actions. Not mine. We had a perfectly functioning arrangement in place that never needed to change. I was giving her £50 per week directly into her bank account. She enjoyed more freedom as a result than probably any mother in history. But she then denied me access. She called the CMS to try and spite me and it backfired. She now gets less money. She has eliminated me from the equation.
She claimed that if I had made more effort to speak to her about things it wouldn't of gone this far!!! She messaged after 4 weeks of asking that "If you want to see your son again you will have to take me to court!" So that's exactly what I have done and she is obviously feeling the pressure now. I told her she has the power to stop this. All she has to do is stop.
She rambled on about her plans for the year being ruined and, again, I reminded her of why we are where we are.
Out of nowhere she then set her sights on my dad. My dad is a 68 year old former naval officer and has done more for her than anyone. He has spent thousands trying to help and has had my son more than me over the last few years. He has managed to remain neutral even though he know's it's appalling what she's doing. But she has found out that my dad has been helping me out (he has a very knowledgeable ex lawyer friend) who has given me free tips. My ex is now saying she doesn't wan't my dad anywhere near my son ever again, whatever the outcome of the FHDRA etc with no reason why. But I know why. She's realised he's now taken a side.
Can she do this? Can she ask the court to set a condition that I cannot take my son to see his grampy?
Be very very careful. She may be trying to build evidence for the court case and try and use things in writing against you. Trying to get you to respond and put things in writing.
Ignore her - take things one step at a time and go through the process. I would keep any communications between now and you getting your order, to be only very brief and formal.
Ignore her - take things one step at a time and go through the process. I would keep any communications between now and you getting your order, to be only very brief and formal.
I only replied with "everything is happening because of your actions. Not mine." "Only you have the power to stop it." About 10 minutes after the first text and that was it. She sent about 10 different paragraphs as individual texts following that. My phone went ping, ping, ping, ping, ping for about 5 minutes! I never bit to any of the rest as the threat to deny my dad access for the rest of my sons life was clearly bait.
I'm hopeful she cannot continue to control where I go with my son and who I see If I get my CAO. Particularly not my dad.
I'm hopeful she cannot continue to control where I go with my son and who I see If I get my CAO. Particularly not my dad.
I would send another brief one - a biff one - (brief informative, friendly,formal - as if to a business colleague).
"I only wish that we can both co parent amicably for the sake of our children, ongoing, and am happy to try and resolve any misunderstandings at mediation".
It's unlikely she'll say fine yes lets have mediation, but if she does say that and asks you to withdraw the application, DO NOT withdraw the application. But say yes and ask the mediator to arrange an appointment and see if she turns up. If it does lead to mediation you can say at mediation you're happy to reach agreement which can be written down and used to achieve a consent order at the first hearing (which she is unlkely to agree to but you never know). If that did happen you get your court order at the first hearing, approved by the court rather than it go any further. A consent order is just as valid as one ordered by the court. But any wording agreed at mediation would need to be put into a consent order document by a solicitor for you and approved by a solicitor for her. If no solicitors involved then it can't be a consent order.
Otherwise she could say she had "argumentative texts blaming her" and try and use it as evidence. It's not much evidence at all, what you wrote, but it could be used to show "conflict" between parents - if she wanted to. It could come across as point scoring.
The above kind of example text does her no favours and could be good evidence for you.
The main thing is from now on is - don't get hooked into responding on a personal level.
"I only wish that we can both co parent amicably for the sake of our children, ongoing, and am happy to try and resolve any misunderstandings at mediation".
It's unlikely she'll say fine yes lets have mediation, but if she does say that and asks you to withdraw the application, DO NOT withdraw the application. But say yes and ask the mediator to arrange an appointment and see if she turns up. If it does lead to mediation you can say at mediation you're happy to reach agreement which can be written down and used to achieve a consent order at the first hearing (which she is unlkely to agree to but you never know). If that did happen you get your court order at the first hearing, approved by the court rather than it go any further. A consent order is just as valid as one ordered by the court. But any wording agreed at mediation would need to be put into a consent order document by a solicitor for you and approved by a solicitor for her. If no solicitors involved then it can't be a consent order.
Otherwise she could say she had "argumentative texts blaming her" and try and use it as evidence. It's not much evidence at all, what you wrote, but it could be used to show "conflict" between parents - if she wanted to. It could come across as point scoring.
The above kind of example text does her no favours and could be good evidence for you.
The main thing is from now on is - don't get hooked into responding on a personal level.
The danger of responding personally, and saying it;s her own doing etc, is it could fuel more hostility from her and that won't help your case in the long run. Even if you don't feel like being amicable (understandably!) it's always best to present yourself in an amicable way, as the one who wishes to resolve things rather than fight.
It caught you on the hop and hooked into your personal dynamic with her. So as Proud Dad says - don't respond immediately. The old "count to 10 thing" is actually very helpful. It takes 10 seconds for the rational half of the brain to kick in, The emotional part of the brain kicks in immediately.
It caught you on the hop and hooked into your personal dynamic with her. So as Proud Dad says - don't respond immediately. The old "count to 10 thing" is actually very helpful. It takes 10 seconds for the rational half of the brain to kick in, The emotional part of the brain kicks in immediately.
At what point can you no longer avoid the issue of extreme personality disorder in your child's mother and need to raise this as the root cause of her conflict with you? At what point do you have to accept that you are not dealing with someone who is complete possession of their faculties and ask the court to consider a physiological assessment? How do you approach that? Does anyone have any experience?
It’s not right, I have seen my 3 children since January