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My Story - As it Happens

MagicJ

MagicJ

Experienced member
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Hey All,

Firstly, great forum, recently joined, everyone is very supportive & Ash is amazing đź‘Ź.

I wanted to share my journey in the hope that it may benefit everyone like theirs have me and maybe I'll avoid a few pitfalls along the way.

Quick Background

I'm 15 years married, 2 Children (8/10), I initiated the Divorce formally last month.

Marriage was a disaster from the beginning, no infidelity, substance abuse etc we just weren't compatible but we tried to make it work for 6 years and then had a kid & doubled down a few years later.

I tried marriage counselling, getting her siblings involved, holidays away etc. none of it helped, too much lack of trust and no enough honest and safe communication.

The Runup

After constant arguing in front of the kids about the kids, 18 months ago stood up for the eldest who was getting verbal abuse for wanting to confide in her Dad.

From that point I stopped being married, in my mind, I started living separate but in the house and focused on the kids.

Over the next 12m, with my encouragement to the eldest, their relationship improved, is consistent and is the best it's ever been - no credit offered but the result was reward enough.

We never improved though, when I did offer one last go at counselling in Jan, response was let me think about it, so I knew for me it was definitely over.

What reinforced that was interaction with the kids and seeing how they thought all Parents enjoyed fighting, that its normal to pass messages via your children, that parents are supposed to not show each other affection or do activities together with their children.

The Present

I've filed, we both appointed Solicitors, I tried being reasonable, directly offering to spend what little I have for house maintenance, setting up a shared calendar for the kids with key dates this year for both of us to add.

Her Solicitor responded to say she felt threatened, I was misguided setting dates out for 2023, attempting to be coercive and that I've not shown an interest in the kids day to day until recently.

They want my Form 11E which I had planned to supply & out the house ASAP and only then interim contact will be discussed.

Oh, and that she's the primary carer.

Every situation has its own nuances, only extra worth sharing is eldest doing 11+ this year so in that interest I had not wanted to tell the kids till September.

Closing Notes

I'll end for now by saying I have a great support network, good to know I picked my true friends well, this has helped immensely with my internal journey since Jan this year which was a high anxiety, emotional rollercoaster for a few months.

A couple of other things that helped me specifically were focussing on a goal with attainable milestones so I started to eating healthier, did Intermittent Fasting, started going to the gym regularly and lost 4 stones.

I also found journalling regularly, spirituality and putting one social event a month in my calendar for me really let me focus on the future & new horizons.

I know my heart will still break when my contact situation with the kids changes, that I may end up handing over the house but I know with 100% certainty that I've done right for both them & me.

Will let you know how I get on!

MJ
 
Hey MJ,

Sorry to hear what you’ve been going through, but it sounds like your in a good place with it and switched on.

I think no matter what you do with regards to the divorce it’ll get twisted and thrown back at you. That’s at least my experience so far, so don’t take it to heart and make sure you have a solicitor you trust in.

keep going, your doing the right thing.
 
phunky said:
Hey MJ,

Sorry to hear what you’ve been going through, but it sounds like your in a good place with it and switched on.

I think no matter what you do with regards to the divorce it’ll get twisted and thrown back at you. That’s at least my experience so far, so don’t take it to heart and make sure you have a solicitor you trust in.

keep going, your doing the right thing.
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Thank You Phunky, appreciate the support and your comments.

We always hope they'll put kids first like we do, in the meantime we just have to put our truth out there in black and white for posterity!

I hope your situation works out for you.
 
Your soon to be ex's solicitor response sounds fairly standard. They are not collaborative or child focused one iota - they simply act for their client's best interests and unfortunately it will now be adversarial. Are you still in the house? I wouldn't move out until you have a child arrangements order in place. She is not the primary carer until a court order says so. Regardless of their demands for a form E I would start mediation for child arrangements and if she won't agree to a consent order for Child Arrangements (not the same thing as a consent order for divorce finances) then put a C100 application to get the Child Arrangements legalised. As you've probably read on here, once you move out your ex has all the power over the kids unless or until you have a court order that states when they are in your care. I would apply for 50/50 shared care, "lives with both parents". What this means is - she is not the primary carer - you are both equally the primary carer.

Applying for the CAO (assuming she won't agree to it by consent) is the one thing you can have control over that her solicitors can't do anything about. Save your money for a direct access barrister for the final hearing - or to negotiate a consent order at the first hearing. The finances will get sorted as and when but you want the time with the kids legalised.
 
Thanks Ash, I expected as much.

I am now very familiar with 'Lives with Both Parents' & Childcare CO thanks to the forum.

I'm still here and have no intention of settling for less than the above nor moving out until Child Arrangements are sorted.

Just wary of potential fake DV callout possibilities so will manage my schedule in the house accordingly!
 
Yes that is a concern if they want to try and get you out, so you need to be careful - avoid arguments etc so you can't be accused of anything. Also change all passwords for computer, phone etc. Have you had a MIAM yet? (First mediation appointment for Child Arrangements). You go to that on your own and explain the situation to the mediator. The mediator would then contact your soon to be ex and invite her to the next session. I would have the C100 form all filled out and ready to go before you even go to the MIAM. Because if your ex declines to go to mediation when invited, and you're signed off (you need signing off to apply to court) she may decide to wap an application in first. And that can wrong foot you. Better to get your application in first. So if she declines mediation, you get signed off and your application is ready to go in asap.
 
@Ash does the mediation & MIAM need to be done through the CAFCASS service or is it any authorised Childcare Mediator?

The process I'm now following is almost to the letter of what you've outlined above so thanks.
 
You can just organise it yourself. Google family mediators in the region and phone round them. Some might sound better to deal with, some might have earlier appointments. I've sometimes had a next day appointment if I've said it's quite urgent. The cost can be approx ÂŁ125 for the MIAM but there should still be a ÂŁ500 voucher scheme that then pays for a few sessions if mediation starts - you'd need to ask the mediator about that at the MIAM. It's just a requirement to have had one before applying to court. Cafcass get involved after an application is submitted.

If mediation is signed off (ie doesn't happen or happens but nothing is resolved) then the sign off lasts for four months. You get a signed form that confirms you've had a MIAM. That form is actually a page from the C100 application form so if you then apply to court you swap out the blank page with the mediator signed one (different if you do it online). Because it lasts for four months it means you can then apply to court at any time within that four months. After that you'd have to have another MIAM.
 
MagicJ said:
Her Solicitor responded to say she felt threatened, I was misguided setting dates out for 2023, attempting to be coercive and that I've not shown an interest in the kids day to day until recently.
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Above is almost exactly what my ex's solicitor wrote to me when we were living in the some home post-separation. I had cared for our child more than my ex up to that point.

My ex made contrived recordings of me and made urgent applications on the basis of alleged abuse against mother and child. The court did not even read my responses to the allegations, I had to go through three hearings and almost a year until I next had my child overnight. The recordings amounted to nothing, no findings were made against me. But, I lost so much ground while the allegations were dealt with. The new status quo favoured my ex and the court was not at all bothered about obvious lies having been told. The other side had seen that initial allegations would not hold water, so new ones were made up for the final hearing.

To me, what her solicitor wrote reads as a clear pre-cursor to DV allegations. I suggest you audio record ALL interactions with your ex. There are sound activated recorders you can wear/carry. Follow up on conversations in writing as well.

I was not aware of the power my ex had if she played dirty. I worked on the basis of common sense and fairness in assessing what was coming. I was very naĂŻve, having now heard the same story many times, I realise what happened to me is standard technique.

You mentioned drug abuse, arguments, negative impact on the kids. I think one of you will blame the other for all that. Whoever makes plausible allegations is likely to gain advantage.

I suggest you try to avoid drugs and alcohol as much as possible from here on. If you do not drink or use drugs, it might be worth doing a test pre-emptively.
 
Thanks for your take on this @Resolute .

We have responded to their letter so I will have clarity next week on exactly what direction they wish to take - either one in the interests of the children or one designed to interest themselves.

I neither drink or take drugs, my biggest vice is a cigarette once in a blue moon so I am thankfully able to avoid those types of allegations.
However your suggestions on wearable devices is one worth looking at as I do feel that I need a form of protection against fake DV just in case.

Appreciated.
 
I do not want to be a doom monger, this may well not happen in your case. But, an Ex Parte (no notice) or Abridged Notice (48hrs) application could be on the cards. Typically this would be for an occupation order and a non-molestation order.

I would consider getting a C100 in for Child Arrangements ASAP so you can place your ex as respondent rather than applicant. If she goes nuclear at that point it is plainly a counter and would be within proceedings already underway. A good mediator will issue the form needed to apply regardless of whether or not you invite the ex.

Just putting the idea out, see what others think and reflect on your situation.

My ex refused to take time off work during child's infancy, continually complained about looking after the child for years, them decided to try and delete me completely as soon as solicitors got their teeth into her. If things turn vindictive, all bets are off.

Hope things take the sensible route in your case.
 
I agree - get the C100 in asap. A MIAM is compulsory to submit an application - but that is all. You would be expected to try mediation and the mediator would invite the ex. If she declines to go you need your application ready to go pronto, before she submits one first! I don't think solicitors letters will achieve anything. Courteous communication with terrorists doesn't work and frankly I class solicitors for ex's in that category sometimes - they are not interested in what is best for the children - their goal is to win the case for their client.
 
The other thing is - none of the solicitor communication means anything - legally. It's all just expensive words. The only thing that makes any difference at all is court orders and court hearings leading to court orders - that's when it becomes legalised. Solicitor communications are just a load of letters back and forth - an expensive game. And even if one little thing was agreed - it means absolutely nothing - an agreement can stop being an agreement overnight if someone changes their mind.

You don't actually need a solicitor. What you need is your status as a parent legalising and an order that says when your children live with you and are in your care - that overrides anything the ex or her solicitor says or does. To achieve that you need a MIAM, an application submitting (which you can do yourself and it's often better in your own words anyway - Cafcass read it and if you write it well yours stands out amongst a sea of brief applications as being a bit human and rational. You don't actually need a lawyer until you have a hearing. Which isn't for some weeks after application - the initial stages are all dealing with Cafcass and lawyers have no input in that.
 
Ash said:
I agree - get the C100 in asap. A MIAM is compulsory to submit an application - but that is all. You would be expected to try mediation and the mediator would invite the ex. If she declines to go you need your application ready to go pronto, before she submits one first! I don't think solicitors letters will achieve anything. Courteous communication with terrorists doesn't work and frankly I class solicitors for ex's in that category sometimes - they are not interested in what is best for the children - their goal is to win the case for their client.
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My C100 is being prepared using the forum template as my guide & should be ready before my MIAM which I have already booked for next Monday
 
MagicJ said:
Thanks for your take on this @Resolute .

We have responded to their letter so I will have clarity next week on exactly what direction they wish to take - either one in the interests of the children or one designed to interest themselves.

I neither drink or take drugs, my biggest vice is a cigarette once in a blue moon so I am thankfully able to avoid those types of allegations.
However your suggestions on wearable devices is one worth looking at as I do feel that I need a form of protection against fake DV just in case.

Appreciated.
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Hello, I will echo the other opinions on here and agree that you need to get the C100 form filed asap! ALWAYS expect the unexpected where an ex concerned! Get the form filed off asap
 
Thanks @scooter exactly what I am doing, C100 completed just need Section 4 signed after post MIAM, assuming she doesn't attend. If she does, then I imagine I will need to hold on to it at each session just in case.
 
Just a quick on the C100 @Ash there are a couple of questions on Permission to Apply (5a), not sure how to answer those any idea?
Also, do I need to have prepared a parenting plan? (5c)
 
MagicJ said:
Thanks @scooter exactly what I am doing, C100 completed just need Section 4 signed after post MIAM, assuming she doesn't attend. If she does, then I imagine I will need to hold on to it at each session just in case.
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Entirely up to you how you want to play it but when I booked and paid for the Mediator, I explained I was way past the point of mediation and I need to get this to court asap. They were happy to sign the form off for me
 
MagicJ said:
Just a quick on the C100 @Ash there are a couple of questions on Permission to Apply (5a), not sure how to answer those any idea?
Also, do I need to have prepared a parenting plan? (5c)
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Is this on the paper version or the online one? You don't need permission to apply. I think the question asks if you have a parenting plan doesn't it (without going off to look)? Then you can either just tick yes or no. At one time it was expected you'd have to have one and court papers would ask you to submit it after application. That doesn't seem to be the case any more - and even when it did it was the case that each parent sent in their own version of what they wanted in a parenting plan and they were usually wildly different. So if you don't have one just tick no.

The tricky bit at this stage is, if your ex is genned up she and her solicitor could immediately assume you're thinking of applying to court if you start mediation. In some ways it's better if she declines mediation when invited and you can just send your form off quickly. For that reason it's good to be low key about the mediation and not mention court at all. Eg after your MIAM the mediator will contact the ex and you could message her straight after the MIAM (ie before the mediator contacts her) saying something along the lines of. "I think it would be really helpful if we could have an impartial person, like a mediator, help us try and reach some agreements for a parenting plan and was wondering if you'd be willing to try mediation".

You might get an answer back before the mediator even contacts her. It sounds pretty clear they don't want to mediate though from the information you were given about how things were going to be!

It is actually possible to go along to a MIAM and say you don't want to mediate and you want signing off. Thereby applying to court without the ex even knowing you've had a MIAM or started mediation. I've done that before but it depends on the circumstances and the ex will almost certainly complain. But you could say you had tried negotiation and it hadn't work and matters were pressing but you're willing to try mediation if agreement isn't reached at the first hearing. So what happened with me was they just ordered mediation between first hearing and final hearing - which only lasted one session! Mediator said - this isn't going to work.
 
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