Blindsided. Would Welcome Advice, Thank You.

[Ash]

So yes, your bottom line should be equal shared care/shared residency and I would apply for 50/50 - then you have room to negotiate down if possible. Keeping all arguments child focused. There are many arguments as to why 50/50 is best for children.

There's a link at the end of this article which gives many of the reasons, if you need some help with wording.

Why 50/50 shared care parenting is best

50/50 Shared parenting for separated parents and single Dads

www.dadswithkids.co.uk

 

[skydock]

Mediation has been proposed. In the meantime I am seeking a second opinion from another solicitor (one that I was reserving for court if that should be necessary).

On a positive (and, naturally time with children is a given), the following are helping with mental health:
- Regular exercise (seeing and feeling some big changes now it's been 2 months)
- Making more time for friends
- Reading
- Buying new clothes and taking more pride in appearance (not that I was ever a sloth, or vain)
- This forum

 

[skydock]

Mediation has been refused. She wants me to move out of the family home to find a place, and then she will discuss asset split, though her solicitor has requested my proposal for child arrangements. Absolutely laughable. I have a meeting with another solicitor (for a second opinion); this is the solicitor I 'reserved' for court -- looking forward to hearing what she has to say.

 

[Ash]

Have you had a MIAM? If so just get signed off and put your application in for a Child Arrangements order. And don't move out until you have one. Also just a warning, you can run up quite large bills with solicitors letters going back and forth and you want to save as much as possible for using a barrister for hearings. But maybe solicitors in scotland deal with things differently. Hope the second opinion interview goes ok.

 

[MagicJ]

My wife's solicitor responded. She refuses to go to mediation. She wants me to move out of the family home to find a place, and then she will discuss asset split, though her solicitor has requested my proposal for child arrangements. Absolutely laughable. I have a meeting with another solicitor on Thurs (for a second opinion); this is the solicitor I 'reserved' for court -- looking forward to hearing what she has to say.

I think I've stated this already, don't move out, the process they're suggesting does nothing to indicate a willingness to secure the children's relationship with both parents.

I'd avoid running up huge bills with your Solicitor for all the back and forth, come on the forum for advice and keep your kids money in your pocket until they need for you to spend it for their sake I.e DAB or spot advice

I'd go back to them and jist state, given they are making proposals for the finances, please also make their proposal for the childcare.

In the meantime, totally agree with @Ash , get the MIAM done and have your C100 sat ready to go.

 

[Ash]

I keep forgetting he’s in Scotland - so whatever the equivalent of the C100 is.

 

[skydock]

I think I've stated this already, don't move out, the process they're suggesting does nothing to indicate a willingness to secure the children's relationship with both parents.

I'd avoid running up huge bills with your Solicitor for all the back and forth, come on the forum for advice and keep your kids money in your pocket until they need for you to spend it for their sake I.e DAB or spot advice

I'd go back to them and jist state, given they are making proposals for the finances, please also make their proposal for the childcare.

In the meantime, totally agree with @Ash , get the MIAM done and have your C100 sat ready to go.

Yes, I absolutely have no intention of moving out.

What is "DAB or spot advice"?

As for the MIAM, my solicitor has told me it's not necessary in Scotland. However, I intend to ask my 'second opinion'/court-hardened solicitor.

Thanks again.

 

[Ash]

DAB is Direct Access Barrister (also known as Public Access Barrister). Not sure what spot advice is @MagicJ will explain I'm sure. Maybe a typo?

 

[skydock]

Thanks. I'll see if there's a Scottish equivalent to DAB (the equivalent of a Barrister in Scotland is an Advocate).

 

[MagicJ]

DAB is Direct Access Barrister (also known as Public Access Barrister). Not sure what spot advice is @MagicJ will explain I'm sure. Maybe a typo?

Sorry, work terminology

By spot advice I mean, find a reliable solicitor or two and pay for advice on an ad-hoc basis where your situation cannot be covered by the experience available online and via the forum.

Like you are already doing with the free 30m, sometimes you need some pre-hearing assistance like Court Bundle prep or you need to send a letter more formally and it's better coming from a Solicitor.

The last thing you want to do is what a lot of us did, racking up 1.5k per month just going back and forth in unactionable correspondence month for 6-7 m

 

[skydock]

Sorry, work terminology

The last thing you want to do is what a lot of us did, racking up 1.5k per month just going back and forth in unactionable correspondence month for 6-7 m

Thanks, yes, Trying to avoid this. Already spent a few K.

 

[skydock]

Was time poor earlier, hence the brief response. Thanks as always for the advice. I have no intention of moving out on my STBXWs terms.

I'm looking forward to the Solicitor meeting. My thoughts are that I should try to negotiate (briefly) via solicitors, then perhaps even warn (?) of court if I don't see progress. But then, someone recently said to me: why would you choose to attempt to negotiate with a terrorist? When it's put like that...

 

[MagicJ]

Knowing it could be difficult, before I set off on my journey I made sure that when I looked back I'd be able to reassure myself it had been a last resort.

Your STBX has already got a Solicitor, is already asking for your Money & is already made it clear that the kids are a secondary agenda item.
She is fully aware at this point that either one of you can apply to court - she's put her money into the Financials & declined Mediation.

I wouldn't be surprised if, when several weeks down the line they realise your financials are not forthcoming, you get a Financials Proceedings notice.
I think you're past the point where she is the one that needs a warning.

You have to walk your own path, be comfortable you've spoken to the right people & taken as much advice as you need - then make your decision.

BTW, I re-read your post on what you'd been doing to cope, it reminded me of my journey - I hope you're keeping on top of all those positive actions!

 

[skydock]

That solicitor session didn't go as well as I expected. 10 minutes before it started, the police came to the door asking for my wife (may be unrelated but making the fewest assumptions, my money is on it being related to separation). The solicitor said that she considers me to be at risk of domestic abuse charges and that there's an argument for leaving the property asap. She said that my STBXWs behaviour sounds highly unpredictable.

She also said that I shouldn't file for court yet as - even with the possibility of domestic abuse charges - I would potentially be looked unfavourably upon for not pursuing ADS (Alternative Dispute Resolution) until it's no-longer tenable. She also said that the Scottish courts are in the dark ages and don't tend to award a 50/50 split. I feel like a need to find a solicitor that is in the middle of the approach of the two, though maybe I'm just trying to find someone who will tell me what I want to hear (which isn't for the best of course).

I need to find recent data on Scottish Sheriff Court decisions...

 

[Ash]

I was also told (in the North of England) that I would never get shared care. I said I'm aware of quite a few cases of shared care. The response was - well maybe "down south". It was considered a joke that I wanted to ask for shared care. So I submitted my own application, got a good barrister, and got shared care/lives with both parents. It's solicitors who are in the dark ages. And to be honest, if your ex is going to make allegations - she will make them whether you're still in the house or not. I would stay put and continue with your chaperones.

It's true that courts like to see dispute resolution has been attempted. Have you tried that? Maybe get a free half hour with another solicitor as well.

 

[skydock]

I was also told (in the North of England) that I would never get shared care. I said I'm aware of quite a few cases of shared care. The response was - well maybe "down south". It was considered a joke that I wanted to ask for shared care. So I submitted my own application, got a good barrister, and got shared care/lives with both parents. It's solicitors who are in the dark ages. And to be honest, if your ex is going to make allegations - she will make them whether you're still in the house or not. I would stay put and continue with your chaperones.

It's true that courts like to see dispute resolution has been attempted. Have you tried that? Maybe get a free half hour with another solicitor as well.

This gives me hope. Thank you. The English system however is different...

The 'dispute resolution' process in Scotland is known as 'Alternative Dispute Resolution' (ADR); there are 3 options:
1. Mediation (STBXW has refused)
2. Collaborative process (involves solicitor(s) -- STBXW has ended it after one session)
3. Arbitration (advocate/barrister-led 1/2-day thrash-out -- not doing this as historical poor outcomes)

So, it seems my options are:
1. Attempt to negotiate via solicitors
2. Court (which I've been advised against)

I intend to get another opinion as to whether it's a bad decision for me to apply for court.

 

[Ash]

I think most Dads in Scotland end up applying to court - unless solicitors have negotiated a "minute of agreement" which seems to have failed so far and seems to be perhaps in more amicable cases. I guess you could wait to see what the response is to the solicitor's request for child arrangements to be agreed. But I think that solicitors will be earning money from negotiations, being a cynic there! I think shared parenting Scotland lists regular meetings in different area (this used to be Families Needs Fathers Scotland and they ran the meetings - it's probably the same thing under a different name). Maybe go along to one, if it's not too long a wait, or contact the organiser for your regional meetings (if you can get a name) and see what they say.

 

[skydock]

Thanks Ash. Yes, my solicitor mentioned going to Shared Parenting Scotland (SPS). She's connected to the org somehow. I'll be doing some research today. As always, appreciate all the help and, I agree: solicitors need the money and don't want to do themselves out of a job/money.

This forum is invaluable. I hope to be able to 'give back' at some point.

 

[skydock]

Any advice if I get arrested later?

 

[Peanut 21]

The response was - well maybe "down south".

Lol! If only!!! I'm down South, no different here.