Applying for CAO

[KO70]

You need to be careful going to the house in case they get difficult or call the Police or something. Do you think that's likely? Could you text first and say you'd like to come and see son at x time - and does she need anything bringing? Kind of trying to be normal and friendly? But then you might get a no. If you're able to go and see your son though it might be worth putting up with the awkward atmosphere.

With the CMS - a lot of people get caught out thinking they're paying it - by paying for items and keeping receipts - but that's not proof of CMS - It would be best to pay it by standing order and have the reference "Child Maintenance" on the standing order, so you can prove you've paid it. That is all you're legally obliged to pay. CMS will work it out. They seem quite keen these days on people making "family based arrangements" so providing you have something agreed in writing (eg text) with her that could be something like

x amount CM payment (maybe lower than the assessed rate if you check the calculator). Sharing cost of nappies and baby milk. Something like that. But if she just wants CM then you don't want to be paying for too many other things as well.

My situation was similar. Not married. Dated someone for a few weeks - we didn't live together. She ended it when she met someone else. A few months later informed me she was pregnant. It wasn't friendly at first but I decided I wanted to be involved with my child so bent over backwards to be useful!

Went to some ante natal classes with her, gave her lifts to buy baby stuff etc. Maybe easier because she didn't have family, her bf lived further away (and was a bit on and off) and she needed a babysitter two evenings a week so she could get out. I had to put up with all kinds of stuff. If I didn't drop everything and do what she wanted then she'd threaten to stop me seeing son. But by 3 months I was having him overnight twice a week (she liked her nights out). I got bullied for more money, called all sorts of names. It was no fun. But just looked at the longer term. Sometimes she'd be quite nice - if I did everything she wanted!

Maybe you could try some kind of dialogue with her (by text if not talking) - like say you're sorry about that incident and hope we can put that behind us and the important thing now is we both make sure the baby has stable relationships and what he needs, and you would like to have the chance to prove that she can trust you. That you will use whatever she thinks best for the baby if he comes to your house.

Sounds like her family might be a problem. Does she live with them?

I’ve been bullied, by her I’ve got loads of text messages of her calling me names, emotionally abusing me, calling me fat telling me I’m worthless and I’m a waste of space. My son will be better of without me. Just off the top of my head I’m pretty strong cos I don’t have an identity crisis, but I had to stop engaging with her because she just craves the attention, it has nothing to do with my son it’s just the fact that she wants me to be with her but doesn’t know how to handle a relationship with me without controlling me. So the best thing to do is try to control me through my son. My manhood has been questioned multiple times, by her, her brothers, her dad! Her and her mum call me to emotionally manipulate me and my mum. Like I’ve had multiple arguments with my mum because of this situation, it’s soo mentally and emotionally taxing.

 

[JJ58]

So I paid My McKenzie friend And he did the form for me, I wrote that she refuses to allow me to take him out of the house. Due to him being young we requested to build up contact and when he’s older to get contact through midweek, alternate weekends Friday through Monday and equal share of holidays. Then for the present moment contact through the midweek as well as contact during weekends in my home. Due to hostility from her and her family in her home, I don’t like him experiencing that. She doesn’t control her temper in front of him, I notice that although he’s young he covers his ear when she shouts so I just ask her to come outside away from him or stop shouting.

Yes that is a good reason to argue why there should be less contact between you and your ex. But you need to be careful as they may listen to her distress argument - that she fears letting the baby go with you alone - the Mother anxiety argument. An outside view - like Cafcass or a court - may look at that and think - conflict between parents bad for the child. Minimal time with Dad, supervised only. A cop out basically - they can't take child away from the Mother, and need to give some time to Dad so keep the Mother happy to avoid the conflict.

Just saying that so you put your arguments in a child focused way and probably best not to highlight her behaviour but stress that you wish things to be amicable etc. In a way this whole process is about jumping through hoops to get to a result. Because the courts aren't interested in which parent is right - they only look at the best interests of the child. And they see conflict as bad for a child. They aren't going to punish the Mother for yelling at you - just try and get the child out of that situation and if the Mother won't agree to unsupervised contact, they could just say - supervised only at a contact centre.

I don't mean to doom monger - but just be aware of certain things so your case goes well. It's why everyone says - keep it child focused rather than about the parents. So you could say something like - I have shared care for our baby since birth, including preparing bottles, feeding, nappy changing and educational play. We separated as our relationship was floundering and since then I had regular time with the baby at my own home. This is now being prevented and although I am able to see the baby at ex name's family home, there are tensions, which I feel the baby will pick up and not be good for him. My priority is to ensure the baby has stable parenting time with both his parents, and hopefully amicably, with agreements reached over practical matters so both parents are using the same methods for feeding, caring etc. I request that, at this stage, the court order mediation for both parents in the hope we can reach such agreements.

This is say for a position statement for the first hearing (and possibly to say to Cafcass as well - tell them you would like to have mediation to reach agreements over how things progress - but don't say "she refused" as if blaming her - sound like the one who wants things to be sensibly sorted).

We have to put all the personal out of mind and "play the game" - all they want to know is that you are a) safe and b) thinking about the child rather than fighting with an ex (sadly they can blame conflict on both of you! Even if that is unfair).

Your ex has a bit more power in this situation - as the Mother, when the child is so young. Only because of archaic attitudes. But some Cafcass officers are good - so you want Cafcass onside. They are the ones who will recommend what happens next.

 

[Ash]

What JJ said . Also sounds like you need some support if you're getting a lot of abuse. Some Dads get some counselling via GP to help cope - it's all stressful. Keep records of all this abusive messages. At some stage they could be useful as evidence (if she does make allegations and there is a fact finding hearing). From the sound of it, hopefully, she will not make serious allegations, but just complain about you. The first hearing is a "dispute resolution hearing" and Cafcass try to get parents to agree or resolve any trust issues. As JJ said - try and keep Cafcass onside and say you want the Mother to trust you and want to sort things out via mediation. The court can and do order mediation at a first hearing - and that means your ex has to go. It might not work, but it shows you as the one trying to sort things out - being the bigger person etc. Not resorting to blaming the other parent for the situation etc.

It is not going to be easy though as there will need to be some communication between you ongoing and that can be depressing receiving such abusive messages. Focus on getting your order first. There is always the option of reporting harrassment later if she continues.

At this stage, that first order is crucial - it sets a precedent that there are no welfare issues with you, you're a committed hands on parent. That is what you need to show to the court to get a good order now. Ignore everything else. Because unfortunately "gendered" issues are stacked against you - and if the Mother says you are a risk to the child then that will be investigated. Hopefully that won't happen. Hopefully she'll just bang on about you reporting her to the Police and not trusting you because of that.

That's why the mantra "I just want my child to have stable loving relationships with both parents" is so important. It shows you as the child focused one who thinks both parents are important (negating any claims by her that you want to take the child away from her).

Bear in mind too she may genuinely have anxiety about that (psyched on by her family maybe, who also have a vested interest to want the child with them more!). She may genuinely worry that you might abscond with the child. That then is actually a trust issue. So again you need to try and show the courts and Cafcass that you will bend over backwards to try and resolve any personal trust issues and ask for mediation to be ordered.

Keep being the calm, child focused good guy. Focus on your parenting skills and how capable you are. A lot of the abusive stuff, they just put down to normal stuff when couples separate. (If it's from her). Unfortunately if a Dad makes one negative text or comment to the Mother, or shows any anger or frustration - you are then viewed as "possibly dangerous".

 

[Ash]

Just to add. If she gets legal advice things could get harder. A solicitor will tell her she doesn't have to let you see the baby more than a few hours a week and she may stick to that. A solicitor can also encourage her to exaggerate and make allegations, and get legal aid for lawyers. Which is why your arguments all need to be totally child focused and nothing about the ex - proving yourself as a committed, experienced Father who comes across as that.

 

[JJ58]

Just read back a bit. Did you say social services had been involved? If so you want to get a copy of their closure report. If they didn't give you one. It will say what happened and what they decided. That could also be useful evidence at some point (to exonerate you from allegations if nothing else).

 

[KO70]

Just to add. If she gets legal advice things could get harder. A solicitor will tell her she doesn't have to let you see the baby more than a few hours a week and she may stick to that. A solicitor can also encourage her to exaggerate and make allegations, and get legal aid for lawyers. Which is why your arguments all need to be totally child focused and nothing about the ex - proving yourself as a committed, experienced Father who comes across as that.

I’m literally going to drill this into my head that it’s all about my child. I sometimes feel bitter about what she has done, but I know the court don’t care about that, so she might aswell just get away with it. I just want to be able to have a loving father son relationship with my child, you know teach him how to play football, take him to the park, play with him all the time.

 

[KO70]

Just read back a bit. Did you say social services had been involved? If so you want to get a copy of their closure report. If they didn't give you one. It will say what happened and what they decided. That could also be useful evidence at some point (to exonerate you from allegations if nothing else).

They didn’t even try to contact me, I spoke to a solicitor who said they should’ve contacted me as it’s between me and my child’s mother.

 

[KO70]

What JJ said . Also sounds like you need some support if you're getting a lot of abuse. Some Dads get some counselling via GP to help cope - it's all stressful. Keep records of all this abusive messages. At some stage they could be useful as evidence (if she does make allegations and there is a fact finding hearing). From the sound of it, hopefully, she will not make serious allegations, but just complain about you. The first hearing is a "dispute resolution hearing" and Cafcass try to get parents to agree or resolve any trust issues. As JJ said - try and keep Cafcass onside and say you want the Mother to trust you and want to sort things out via mediation. The court can and do order mediation at a first hearing - and that means your ex has to go. It might not work, but it shows you as the one trying to sort things out - being the bigger person etc. Not resorting to blaming the other parent for the situation etc.

It is not going to be easy though as there will need to be some communication between you ongoing and that can be depressing receiving such abusive messages. Focus on getting your order first. There is always the option of reporting harrassment later if she continues.

At this stage, that first order is crucial - it sets a precedent that there are no welfare issues with you, you're a committed hands on parent. That is what you need to show to the court to get a good order now. Ignore everything else. Because unfortunately "gendered" issues are stacked against you - and if the Mother says you are a risk to the child then that will be investigated. Hopefully that won't happen. Hopefully she'll just bang on about you reporting her to the Police and not trusting you because of that.

That's why the mantra "I just want my child to have stable loving relationships with both parents" is so important. It shows you as the child focused one who thinks both parents are important (negating any claims by her that you want to take the child away from her).

Bear in mind too she may genuinely have anxiety about that (psyched on by her family maybe, who also have a vested interest to want the child with them more!). She may genuinely worry that you might abscond with the child. That then is actually a trust issue. So again you need to try and show the courts and Cafcass that you will bend over backwards to try and resolve any personal trust issues and ask for mediation to be ordered.

Keep being the calm, child focused good guy. Focus on your parenting skills and how capable you are. A lot of the abusive stuff, they just put down to normal stuff when couples separate. (If it's from her). Unfortunately if a Dad makes one negative text or comment to the Mother, or shows any anger or frustration - you are then viewed as "possibly dangerous".

Thanks a lot for this advise, I understand she has trust issues but it’s under the grounds that I called the police. There’s no evidence that I caused this trust issue, I’ve always helped out. When I had my previous job working from home, I actually used to help out and my job was suffering due to that, my manager had to tell me off a couple times that I need to try ignore and act as if I wasn’t home. One quick questions, does being on my sons birth certificate give me any parental rights?

 

[Ash]

Yes if you’re on the birth certificate you have equal parental responsibility.

Wasn’t suggesting she was justified in having trust issues! Just that it helps to try and see the other side’s view - especially if it’s going to court so you know what to expect. They may not be genuine trust issues at all - could be just an excuse. But she is taking that incident as a reason to say she doesn’t trust you. And was just suggesting maybe she really does fear you trying to take the child away from her. You know her and we don’t.

The main thing is to try and avoid having an enemy of her if possible as if it comes to hostility between parents it can cause problems for the child later and courts may side with the Mother - if push comes to shove.

Of course you didn’t cause any trust issues but that is what she is saying and either believes (or making excuses). She’s hardly going to be happy about it! But these things can be left behind.

My ex called the police on my new partner! For no reason at all - except to try and see her off.

Do you think she’s an ok Mother apart from the fact that you don’t get on and she is nasty to you? Ie do you trust her to be a good Mother? If so why shouldn’t she trust you to be a good Father - if you get the chance you could say to her that although things got difficult at that time, things have moved on now and she must surely see that you’re a good Dad.

Although equal PR is equal rights and responsibilities - if it gets to court it’s because the parents can’t make reasonable amicable arrangements. Cafcass and the court will try to help you both reach reasonable and amicable arrangements. To avoid it turning into a war or fight. But if your ex is out for a fight (which we don’t know yet) then it’s just one step at a time.

The whole term “Fathers Rights” isn’t really used any more as it’s only the child’s rights that count under the children’s act. But - a child has a right to significant and regular time with both parents.

 

[KO70]

Yes if you’re on the birth certificate you have equal parental responsibility.

Wasn’t suggesting she was justified in having trust issues! Just that it helps to try and see the other side’s view - especially if it’s going to court so you know what to expect. They may not be genuine trust issues at all - could be just an excuse. But she is taking that incident as a reason to say she doesn’t trust you. And was just suggesting maybe she really does fear you trying to take the child away from her. You know her and we don’t.

The main thing is to try and avoid having an enemy of her if possible as if it comes to hostility between parents it can cause problems for the child later and courts may side with the Mother - if push comes to shove.

Of course you didn’t cause any trust issues but that is what she is saying and either believes (or making excuses). She’s hardly going to be happy about it! But these things can be left behind.

My ex called the police on my new partner! For no reason at all - except to try and see her off.

Do you think she’s an ok Mother apart from the fact that you don’t get on and she is nasty to you? Ie do you trust her to be a good Mother? If so why shouldn’t she trust you to be a good Father - if you get the chance you could say to her that although things got difficult at that time, things have moved on now and she must surely see that you’re a good Dad.

Although equal PR is equal rights and responsibilities - if it gets to court it’s because the parents can’t make reasonable amicable arrangements. Cafcass and the court will try to help you both reach reasonable and amicable arrangements. To avoid it turning into a war or fight. But if your ex is out for a fight (which we don’t know yet) then it’s just one step at a time.

The whole term “Fathers Rights” isn’t really used any more as it’s only the child’s rights that count under the children’s act. But - a child has a right to significant and regular time with both parents.

Yeah I’m not trying to be her enemy, I just want order between us two. I’ve grasped the notion that it didn’t work out between us two but we have a job to do as mother and father. She’s a good mother, but she’s trying to decide or police me being a father. That’s why I asked about PR. I want the court to reiterate to her what our parental responsibilities are. I’m gonna listen to your advise about trying not to make an enemy of her, some of the things I go through or abuse I get I don’t retaliate mainly because of my son and out of respect for myself. I’ve gotta think about the future, my feelings right now will pass. That’s why I’m happy to find forums like this.

 

[Ash]

Just want you to get the best order possible And that does set a precedent for the future. If you had any problems with seeing your son, in say, four years time when he starts reception year in school (hard to imagine I know!) then you are in a much stronger position if you've had good time for the past four years.

I don't buy the Mother anxiety thing too much but Cafcass sometimes do. So yes you both have equal parental responsiblity and the court knows your child needs time with his Father as he grows up. But there is no legislation for things to be 50/50 or equality of parenting (archaic) - which needs to change.

Cafcass are court social workers. They decide if there are any "welfare issues" which can override Parental Responsiblity. According to Karen Woodall (Parental Alienation expert) - they are trained to a feminist model of thought. They themselves seem to consider the Mother as "primary carer". They vary and some are better than others. They also have to take all allegations seriously and investigate, as there are cases every year of children being killed by a parent. The system at this stage is a bit woolly because no evidence is permitted at first hearing, so if the Mother accuses something serious, then Cafcass play on the safe side and recommend supervised contact only while they do a section 7 report (takes about 3 months or more and looks into background, police records etc). After that is another hearing and that stage - assuming no issues and no evidence found - they will recommend what the court will order. 99% of the time the court - Judges - will order what Cafcass recommends.

This is why I'm suggesting trying to keep your ex onside and Cafcass onside! We have to swallow our pride a bit and go along with things. It's not like real life - it's a system. And it needs some changes!

Many Dads have been through the situation of an ex who wants rid of them, making allegations and supervised contact only while a section 7 is done. It takes patience and staying calm and never getting stroppy with court officials (however justified!).

That is the worst case scenario at this stage. What they want is parents to agree things reasonably between them. So if one parent (ie you) is showing they really want to sort things reasonably and communicate and have mediation etc, they will warm to you.

They do this job day in day out with thousands of applications so you're just another number to them in a way. So they don't see what you know - that you're a good guy who just wants involvement to bring up their child without interference.

It's humiliating being policed as to how to be a Father and when your son is a bit older and you've had regular time, the court wouldn't take that kind of nonsense from her. But at the moment they will just see a new Mother anxious about her baby (ridiculous when you're the Dad - not a stranger!) - and think "Mother hormones" etc - Mother protective feelings etc.

So to win your case and get what you want, you need to come across as the calm, reasonable one - who doesn't retaliate, doesn't criticize the Mother (even if she criticizes you). Say you understand she may feel a bit anxious but you want to work with things and prove to her it's all fine - you will do anything she wants to show that. But you do want the opportunity to be a Dad to your child and carry on doing all the caring you did before, in your own home and you think the way forward is a written agreement on childcare issues.

Sorry I'm going on a bit. I am not minimising any abuse you're getting and if it's too much to handle then you do need some support. It's a hellish situation to be in to have to put up with things to see a child. As well as counselling, there is also the Mankind Initiative who support male victims of abuse (those are usually pretty serious cases of abuse but they may be able to give some support).

The family court system is strange - it isn't just about rights and the law - Cafcass and Judges are human and can take a like or dislike to someone which can sway their decisions. Judges do know that Fathers struggle to get adequate time with their children. But Cafcass can be very powerful. In most cases they are fair - unless they think you're negative about the Mother! Then they tend to side with the Mother.

The courts are not likely to tell your ex off for not recognising your equal parental responsibility - at this stage. They will just accept you both have PR and will look at the situation as there is no agreement between parents and try and encourage agreement between parents. If no agreement is possible they will decide things.

Hopefully your ex won't make any serious allegations and will just make a fuss. If she complains about the Police incident Cafcass may see this as "conflict between parents" and err on the side of minimising your time to avoid conflict - so that's why you need to be prepared to sound positive about everything and keen to co parent amicably. (Even if it's not possible or not going to happen with your ex).

You could actually end up being kind of "frenemies" - ie friends with a common interest - you both love your kid and want the best for him. Flattery can help a bit! Tell her you know she's a great Mother and you want to be a great Dad and you both get on and you'll take her advice (suck it up for a bit!).

The things we have to go through for our kids.

 

[Ash]

As an example with the Cafcass phone calls:

1) Cafcass speak to your ex who rants about you being abusive to her and you called the Police and social services on her and tried to take the baby away from her (exaggeration and lies). And says you keep turning up at the house and harrassing to see the baby (they will see through that last bit).

2) Cafcass then speak to you - you don't rant about your ex, you sound upbeat and positive and say what a fantastic little man your son is, how you really want both parents to communicate ongoing and agree things as to how childcare takes place and are willing to agree to any specific childcare preferences your ex has in terms of which nappies to use etc. That you are enthusiastic about the care being shared as you've shared it from birth and now experienced in making up bottles and feeding. Your home is all prepared and safe for a toddler. You have had your son at your home a number of times since separation, but now that is being stopped and while you've been seeing him at your ex's family house, there are some tensions and you think that isn't good for the baby. You have no animosity since separation and want to work together for the sake of the child.

They might then say - so did you call the Police and social services on her? (You need an answer prepared for that). You say something like - there was a time when things were difficult and I was being shouted at in front of the baby and couldn't seem to calm the situation so I called the Police - because I was worried that the baby was seeing her shouting at me. I regret that now and wish I had just walked away. Social services didn't find any issues and they closed the case. I would like to have mediation so we can try and sort things out better and build trust and come to some agreements.

Then change the subject and go back to - we can have two sets of everything - bottle sterilising equipment, the same nappies - I think an app would be a good way of communicating when I have the baby - rather than phone calls. (That kind of thing).


So the result is - they will see your ex as all negative about you, and you as all positive about co parenting and child focused and wanting mediation. And their letter/report will reflect that and may be very positive about you - and that is what you need. That letter is then seen in court at first hearing by the (different) Cafcass officer who is handling the case.

At that hearing it is mainly the Cafcass officer you see. That's another load of stuff to think about how to handle when it comes to it.

Sadly men are seen as "possible aggressors" and not as "safe" as women. Just for being a man. So they need to see child focused attitudes and not anti ex attitudes.

Hope that helps prepare a bit!

It's annoying if she calls when the child is with you but you might need to suck that up a bit and go along with it - for reassurance. Initially. Say - sure call me on video chat and you can see the baby and where we are/what we're doing. But just the one call. Answer her questions, don't get annoyed - then put her out of mind and enjoy your time. It's a tricky one because you don't like being checked up on as if you're not safe (quite rightly) - she may be suggesting that - but may just want some reassurance. If that gets brought up you could say to Cafcass you're willing to have a short video call when child is with you but don't want it to become to the point where you're constantly policed. But you will agree to a short video call so ex can see the baby when he's with you, if she will do the same too, when you don't see him.

 

[Ash]

Another tip that some Dads have found has helped before the hearing. Is sign up for a parenting course. There are some short online ones or some one day ones. Extra brownie points for Dad at the hearing

 

[KO70]

As an example with the Cafcass phone calls:

1) Cafcass speak to your ex who rants about you being abusive to her and you called the Police and social services on her and tried to take the baby away from her (exaggeration and lies). And says you keep turning up at the house and harrassing to see the baby (they will see through that last bit).

2) Cafcass then speak to you - you don't rant about your ex, you sound upbeat and positive and say what a fantastic little man your son is, how you really want both parents to communicate ongoing and agree things as to how childcare takes place and are willing to agree to any specific childcare preferences your ex has in terms of which nappies to use etc. That you are enthusiastic about the care being shared as you've shared it from birth and now experienced in making up bottles and feeding. Your home is all prepared and safe for a toddler. You have had your son at your home a number of times since separation, but now that is being stopped and while you've been seeing him at your ex's family house, there are some tensions and you think that isn't good for the baby. You have no animosity since separation and want to work together for the sake of the child.

They might then say - so did you call the Police and social services on her? (You need an answer prepared for that). You say something like - there was a time when things were difficult and I was being shouted at in front of the baby and couldn't seem to calm the situation so I called the Police - because I was worried that the baby was seeing her shouting at me. I regret that now and wish I had just walked away. Social services didn't find any issues and they closed the case. I would like to have mediation so we can try and sort things out better and build trust and come to some agreements.

Then change the subject and go back to - we can have two sets of everything - bottle sterilising equipment, the same nappies - I think an app would be a good way of communicating when I have the baby - rather than phone calls. (That kind of thing).


So the result is - they will see your ex as all negative about you, and you as all positive about co parenting and child focused and wanting mediation. And their letter/report will reflect that and may be very positive about you - and that is what you need. That letter is then seen in court at first hearing by the (different) Cafcass officer who is handling the case.

At that hearing it is mainly the Cafcass officer you see. That's another load of stuff to think about how to handle when it comes to it.

Sadly men are seen as "possible aggressors" and not as "safe" as women. Just for being a man. So they need to see child focused attitudes and not anti ex attitudes.

Hope that helps prepare a bit!

It's annoying if she calls when the child is with you but you might need to suck that up a bit and go along with it - for reassurance. Initially. Say - sure call me on video chat and you can see the baby and where we are/what we're doing. But just the one call. Answer her questions, don't get annoyed - then put her out of mind and enjoy your time. It's a tricky one because you don't like being checked up on as if you're not safe (quite rightly) - she may be suggesting that - but may just want some reassurance. If that gets brought up you could say to Cafcass you're willing to have a short video call when child is with you but don't want it to become to the point where you're constantly policed. But you will agree to a short video call so ex can see the baby when he's with you, if she will do the same too, when you don't see him.

I think this actually puts things into perspective, it’s always better to know what kind of questions they’ll ask. What happens if she tells them that she doesn’t stop me from seeing him as long as I come to her house? Based on the last time I spoke to her, she’s now changed her reason for trust issues, which is the fact that I allegedly had someone in my house when he was with me. This is completely an assumption as she called me in a space of 2 minutes and I didn’t pick up, then when I called her back…she started this allegation and then used that as a reason not to want him in my house anymore. I’m still very adamant about him coming to my house to avoid tensions between her and myself as she’s actually moved into a new place now. It’s even worse now as there’s no one there to be a witness or to stop anything from happening. I initially agreed to come so I can catch up on how to feed him, but she says she still doesn’t trust me to take him to my house :/ it’s quite frustrating. And how long does Cafcass usually take to get back, I’m getting so anxious because this is getting too much

 

[KO70]

Another tip that some Dads have found has helped before the hearing. Is sign up for a parenting course. There are some short online ones or some one day ones. Extra brownie points for Dad at the hearing

I’m looking for online courses right now. I found one for £39 will book that when I get paid.

 

[Ash]

It is an anxious time. Waiting etc and coping with it.

So from what you’ve just said I reckon this may be a case of her thinking you might have a girlfriend . That is one reason exes can suddenly get really difficult - and not like the idea of another woman being involved with the child.

I had all hell broke loose when I started seeing someone and my ex stopped contact. Result was she let me carry on seeing him but only if my partner wasn’t there. Which we agreed to at first thinking she needed time to get used to the idea. But after a year I ended up taking legal advice and they said - just do it anyway. If she stops contact you’ll get it back again the same as before at an interim hearing. So I was psyched up and told my ex I would go to court. It did get sorted without court in the end - for a few years - but did end up in court eventually.

Anyway I bet that is why she is making a fuss about you having someone there. Or thinking you might have.

This is where parenting plans are good. It can be in a parenting plan that both agree not to introduce new partners for 6 months or something. But your ex isn’t interested in a parenting plan. That’ll get sorted out at court and you can put it in your parenting plan.

If she thinks you might be seeing someone she will get difficult by the sound of it.

 

[Ash]

It is an anxious time. Waiting etc and coping with it.

So from what you’ve just said I reckon this may be a case of her thinking you might have a girlfriend . That is one reason exes can suddenly get really difficult - and not like the idea of another woman being involved with the child.

I had all hell broke loose when I started seeing someone and my ex stopped contact. Result was she let me carry on seeing him but only if my partner wasn’t there. Which we agreed to at first thinking she needed time to get used to the idea. But after a year I ended up taking legal advice and they said - just do it anyway. If she stops contact you’ll get it back again the same as before at an interim hearing. So I was psyched up and told my ex I would go to court. It did get sorted without court in the end - for a few years - but did end up in court eventually.

Anyway I bet that is why she is making a fuss about you having someone there. Or thinking you might have.

This is where parenting plans are good. It can be in a parenting plan that both agree not to introduce new partners for 6 months or something. But your ex isn’t interested in a parenting plan. That’ll get sorted out at court and you can put it in your parenting plan.

If she thinks you might be seeing someone she will get difficult by the sound of it.

You could just tell her there isn’t anyone else there but she might not believe you anyway if she’s getting paranoid about that idea.

 

[KO70]

It is an anxious time. Waiting etc and coping with it.

So from what you’ve just said I reckon this may be a case of her thinking you might have a girlfriend . That is one reason exes can suddenly get really difficult - and not like the idea of another woman being involved with the child.

I had all hell broke loose when I started seeing someone and my ex stopped contact. Result was she let me carry on seeing him but only if my partner wasn’t there. Which we agreed to at first thinking she needed time to get used to the idea. But after a year I ended up taking legal advice and they said - just do it anyway. If she stops contact you’ll get it back again the same as before at an interim hearing. So I was psyched up and told my ex I would go to court. It did get sorted without court in the end - for a few years - but did end up in court eventually.

Anyway I bet that is why she is making a fuss about you having someone there. Or thinking you might have.

This is where parenting plans are good. It can be in a parenting plan that both agree not to introduce new partners for 6 months or something. But your ex isn’t interested in a parenting plan. That’ll get sorted out at court and you can put it in your parenting plan.

If she thinks you might be seeing someone she will get difficult by the sound of it.

You could just tell her there isn’t anyone else there but she might not believe you anyway if she’s getting paranoid about that idea.

I know dude, it’s soo annoying because she wants me to come to her house if I want to see my son and says that if I don’t come then it means I don’t want to see my son. I’m not falling for the bait to be honest… I’m just waiting for the court and Cafcass. I have to be careful at this point because behaviours have a way of repeating themselves. It seems like a form of manipulation because she said she wanted to communicate; I asked her for her terms and I also said mine then suggested a compromise to which she completely refused and disregarded my terms. So that bit of communication was a complete waste of time

 

[Ash]

At least you're trying. What were her terms for communication? However unpleasant it is, I would still take every opportunity to see your son if you can - you have your hearing coming up at some point as well. And yes she will say she offered you time and you didn't take it. Nightmare but you are dealing with it one step at a time.

 

[dangermouse72]

Hope you get your Cafcass call soon . It can be really hard having to deal with an ex when you've split up and don't want the contact. And you're right, not good for the child if it leads to arguments. Sounds like you're doing well to keep things going until the court hearing. There's a parenting course that's good - the SPIP course. You can do it online now. But it costs about £100. Court sometimes orders it for both parents and then its free. But they might do it cheaper for you if you say you can't afford it (and want to impress the courts that you've done it).

SPIP online