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Hey guys, I’ve just found this forum on google. I’m not going through divorce but I am separated, awaiting a court hearing as I’ve filed a C100 form. I’m afraid that my ex might falsify some allegations against me. Any advice?
 
Hi there. Have you had a Cafcass letter or phone call yet. That is a really important part of the process. You should get a letter and/or email with a date and time for a phone interview. Don’t miss it! They don’t call back if you miss it.

This is your opportunity to ensure things go smoothly. Don’t have much time right now but I’m sure someone else will come along soon. But basically - keep it child focused - don’t say anything negative about your ex. All they want to know is if you’re a good parent.

They usually speak to the Mother first (and they are used to Mothers saying all sorts about Dads). So preparation helps before the call. Expect the odd question that might put you on the spot. Like “your ex says you are a controlling bully “. They want to see how you react. So don’t get angry or criticise her back - keep it on topic and child focused. So something like “I think Ms ex is upset that I have applied to court - I just want the children to have happy loving relationships with both their parents “.

That last line is the mantra.
 
Thanks a lot, I’ve been waiting for a response from Cafcass for over 2 weeks now. Keep checking my post box everyday for a letter 🤧🤣 I’ve got a McKenzie friend helping with the case. But I’ve just been spending money on everything. She has refused to cooperate with me at every step
 
It's very common for ex's to make allegations if they don't want you involved. When you get your court papers back with a hearing date, your ex will already have received them a day or two before. She will have a response form in her pack which she'll fill in and send back and that then gets sent on to you. So you'll get an idea then of what she is going to say (it can be a shock but that wears off after a day or so).

How old are your children and have you seen them at all since you separated? Good to hear you've got some support for hearings. Everything is delayed at the moment. Depends which region you're in as to how quickly you hear but I'd have thought you'd be hearing something soon. Check email as well as snail mail.
 
Hey there. A tip I'd suggest when preparing for the Cafcass call is find the opportunity to talk about your children somehow during the conversation. Eg drop in how your son is great at football and you'd play outside every Sunday with him - or your daughter is good at art and paints a lot of pictures and you have been helping her develop that. Anything like that you can think of that shows your interest in your kids and things you've done with them. It might have to come out by accident when they mention the kids.

Be careful as others have said - because it might sound like a friendly informal chat but they are analysing you. Also try and get in something like it's unfortunate you separated - but you feel it's better for the kids now you're separated but you are unable to achieve regular time with them with your ex and are worried about how they will be feeling. Child focused as said before.
 
My partner just did all this about a year ago. Just take it one step at a time. Keep Cafcass onside - they are the ones that recommend what happens next. Even if Cafcass are rude, stay calm and polite!
 
Forgot to ask. What did you apply for on the C100?
 
It's very common for ex's to make allegations if they don't want you involved. When you get your court papers back with a hearing date, your ex will already have received them a day or two before. She will have a response form in her pack which she'll fill in and send back and that then gets sent on to you. So you'll get an idea then of what she is going to say (it can be a shock but that wears off after a day or so).

How old are your children and have you seen them at all since you separated? Good to hear you've got some support for hearings. Everything is delayed at the moment. Depends which region you're in as to how quickly you hear but I'd have thought you'd be hearing something soon. Check email as well as snail mail.
Yeah I get a bit anxious at times. I just have one child with her our son, she tends to be a bit aggressive and abusive that’s one of the reasons why I couldn’t carry on.
 
Hey there. A tip I'd suggest when preparing for the Cafcass call is find the opportunity to talk about your children somehow during the conversation. Eg drop in how your son is great at football and you'd play outside every Sunday with him - or your daughter is good at art and paints a lot of pictures and you have been helping her develop that. Anything like that you can think of that shows your interest in your kids and things you've done with them. It might have to come out by accident when they mention the kids.

Be careful as others have said - because it might sound like a friendly informal chat but they are analysing you. Also try and get in something like it's unfortunate you separated - but you feel it's better for the kids now you're separated but you are unable to achieve regular time with them with your ex and are worried about how they will be feeling. Child focused as said before.
My son’s only 6 months old & I always relish the time I spend with him, he’s always smiling and loves to play with toys, got loads of videos when I’m goofing around or dancing to make him laugh. But his mother and I don’t really get along, she’s very argumentative so I thought it’d be easier if I just had him in my house a few times, however she claims to not trust me because I called the police on her one time when she was being violent
 
Suggest getting a copy of the Police report. Contact them with date and details and ask for a copy of the report. It may help at some point. Is she still breast feeding? I know that sounds like a funny question but she could use it as a reason not to have overnights with you.

If you can keep things as amicable as possible (I know) then it could help while your son is so young. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue and offer to help etc. Because she holds a lot of the cards at the moment as your son is so young. Assume she wasn't violent with the child - but with you.

Another thing that will help before the Cafcass call is being able to say all the childcare stuff you have done or can do. Like - you've got books on potty training, feeding, are willing to work with and support the Mother, use the nappies and products she prefers etc. That your home is all geared to be child friendly with protective corners on furniture, etc. That kind of thing. Shows keenness and commitment to having researched childcare etc.

These are things you'll need anyway!

Corner protectors

Do you think your ex will use a solicitor? Sometimes this is why they make some allegations - to get legal aid and a free solicitor. If so they will be going the hard line and saying only daytime contact a few hours a week until child is two. Which you'll need to be able to argue against.

There used to be a precedent that only a few hours a week during the day until child is two because breast feeding can carry on till that age. But I know of one guy who convinced the court to give him every other week-end and a midweek overnight for a 7 month old child by being keen to show he could do all the childcare, feeding etc (and the Mother wasn't breast feeding).
 
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Sound keen and prepared for full on parenting when you talk to them and about how great your son is. While not saying anything negative about the Mother (they don't like you criticising the other parent and see that as not a good sign of coparenting attitude).

If you say that she has been violent and you had to call the Police they might look at it that both of you are accusing each other and both blaming the other one - and they will tend to side with the Mother. On the other hand if you get a copy of that Police report it could help at a later stage.

So is she just refusing to communicate or go to mediation?
 
Suggest getting a copy of the Police report. Contact them with date and details and ask for a copy of the report. It may help at some point. Is she still breast feeding? I know that sounds like a funny question but she could use it as a reason not to have overnights with you.

If you can keep things as amicable as possible (I know) then it could help while your son is so young. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue and offer to help etc. Because she holds a lot of the cards at the moment as your son is so young. Assume she wasn't violent with the child - but with you.

Another thing that will help before the Cafcass call is being able to say all the childcare stuff you have done or can do. Like - you've got books on potty training, feeding, are willing to work with and support the Mother, use the nappies and products she prefers etc. That your home is all geared to be child friendly with protective corners on furniture, etc. That kind of thing. Shows keenness and commitment to having researched childcare etc.

These are things you'll need anyway!

Corner protectors

Do you think your ex will use a solicitor? Sometimes this is why they make some allegations - to get legal aid and a free solicitor. If so they will be going the hard line and saying only daytime contact a few hours a week until child is two. Which you'll need to be able to argue against.

There used to be a precedent that only a few hours a week during the day until child is two because breast feeding can carry on till that age. But I know of one guy who convinced the court to give him every other week-end and a midweek overnight for a 7 month old child by being keen to show he could do all the childcare, feeding etc (and the Mother wasn't breast feeding).
The wonderful news is that she doesn’t breast feed. I literally bought his first formula and have been as involved as possible, I learnt how to change his diapers, feed him and do everything, even put his favourite shows on when he comes to my house, and that’s like 5 times. In terms of keeping things amicable, I’ve been trying but she put me on child maintenance because she automatically decided I’m not doing enough. I asked if I can carry on bringing him to my house and she said no because of COVID and that she doesn’t trust me. I’ve not seen my son since, mainly for my sanity as going over to her families house is detrimental for my mental health as her whole family don’t like me and are trying to alienate me. She’s got them wrapped around her fingers... hence why I’m desperately waiting for the court case.
I’m not sure if she’ll use a solicitor, I’ve not lifted a finger on her, I mean I chose to call the police instead of retaliating when she was being violent towards me. I have an audio recording of her being abusive emotionally and physically while I was carrying our son. The police didn’t even listen to it. Dunno if it’ll be accepted in court, I’ll try get the police report definitely.
 
Sound keen and prepared for full on parenting when you talk to them and about how great your son is. While not saying anything negative about the Mother (they don't like you criticising the other parent and see that as not a good sign of coparenting attitude).

If you say that she has been violent and you had to call the Police they might look at it that both of you are accusing each other and both blaming the other one - and they will tend to side with the Mother. On the other hand if you get a copy of that Police report it could help at a later stage.

So is she just refusing to communicate or go to mediation?
I printed out a template for parenting agreement between me and her, she refused to sign it & called it childish. I then tried mediation I’ve got a text message of her saying she doesn’t want to mediate. So here I am awaiting the court.
 
You'll need to pay CM anyway. Best to sort that out so she has no arguments. By law you're expected to pay CM but you can have a family based arrangement. I'd do it officially through the Child Maintenance Service so she can't say you don't contribute. So has that already been assessed by CMS now then? Your parenting plan will be useful as you'll probably be asked to send one to court before first hearing, even if she won't look at it. She'll have to send one as well.
 
You'll need to pay CM anyway. Best to sort that out so she has no arguments. By law you're expected to pay CM but you can have a family based arrangement. I'd do it officially through the Child Maintenance Service so she can't say you don't contribute. So has that already been assessed by CMS now then? Your parenting plan will be useful as you'll probably be asked to send one to court before first hearing, even if she won't look at it. She'll have to send one as well.
She already says that right now to be honest even though I do, I’ve got quite a few receipts that I couldn’t keep as proof. But I’m currently back and forth with CMS as I recently got made redundant and had to change jobs so trying to get CM sorted. Do you reckon I should still go to the house to see my son, I already know I won’t be welcome and it will be hostile?
 
You need to be careful going to the house in case they get difficult or call the Police or something. Do you think that's likely? Could you text first and say you'd like to come and see son at x time - and does she need anything bringing? Kind of trying to be normal and friendly? But then you might get a no. If you're able to go and see your son though it might be worth putting up with the awkward atmosphere.

With the CMS - a lot of people get caught out thinking they're paying it - by paying for items and keeping receipts - but that's not proof of CMS - It would be best to pay it by standing order and have the reference "Child Maintenance" on the standing order, so you can prove you've paid it. That is all you're legally obliged to pay. CMS will work it out. They seem quite keen these days on people making "family based arrangements" so providing you have something agreed in writing (eg text) with her that could be something like

x amount CM payment (maybe lower than the assessed rate if you check the calculator). Sharing cost of nappies and baby milk. Something like that. But if she just wants CM then you don't want to be paying for too many other things as well.

My situation was similar. Not married. Dated someone for a few weeks - we didn't live together. She ended it when she met someone else. A few months later informed me she was pregnant. It wasn't friendly at first but I decided I wanted to be involved with my child so bent over backwards to be useful!

Went to some ante natal classes with her, gave her lifts to buy baby stuff etc. Maybe easier because she didn't have family, her bf lived further away (and was a bit on and off) and she needed a babysitter two evenings a week so she could get out. I had to put up with all kinds of stuff. If I didn't drop everything and do what she wanted then she'd threaten to stop me seeing son. But by 3 months I was having him overnight twice a week (she liked her nights out). I got bullied for more money, called all sorts of names. It was no fun. But just looked at the longer term. Sometimes she'd be quite nice - if I did everything she wanted!

Maybe you could try some kind of dialogue with her (by text if not talking) - like say you're sorry about that incident and hope we can put that behind us and the important thing now is we both make sure the baby has stable relationships and what he needs, and you would like to have the chance to prove that she can trust you. That you will use whatever she thinks best for the baby if he comes to your house.

Sounds like her family might be a problem. Does she live with them?
 
Child arrangement order
What time did you ask for? If you didn't ask for specific times etc, then you can put that in a position statement which you submit at the first hearing. It's just like a note really for the Judge. You're allowed to do a position statement for every hearing. Your McK friend should know.

Usually on the C100 you put what the situation is, and what you would like the court to do at the end of describing the situation. Eg I ask the court make a Child Arrangements order for my son to spend time with me as follows:

Every Tuesday and Saturday night from 3pm through to 3pm the next day. And every Monday and Thursday tea time for two hours. Something like that. In the position statement you can also put things like how you have been experienced in the bottle feeding since x weeks old and nappy changing and sharing the care until recently. You might want to ask for it to be a "shared care" order as well, rather than "spends time with".
 
You need to be careful going to the house in case they get difficult or call the Police or something. Do you think that's likely? Could you text first and say you'd like to come and see son at x time - and does she need anything bringing? Kind of trying to be normal and friendly? But then you might get a no. If you're able to go and see your son though it might be worth putting up with the awkward atmosphere.

With the CMS - a lot of people get caught out thinking they're paying it - by paying for items and keeping receipts - but that's not proof of CMS - It would be best to pay it by standing order and have the reference "Child Maintenance" on the standing order, so you can prove you've paid it. That is all you're legally obliged to pay. CMS will work it out. They seem quite keen these days on people making "family based arrangements" so providing you have something agreed in writing (eg text) with her that could be something like

x amount CM payment (maybe lower than the assessed rate if you check the calculator). Sharing cost of nappies and baby milk. Something like that. But if she just wants CM then you don't want to be paying for too many other things as well.

My situation was similar. Not married. Dated someone for a few weeks - we didn't live together. She ended it when she met someone else. A few months later informed me she was pregnant. It wasn't friendly at first but I decided I wanted to be involved with my child so bent over backwards to be useful!

Went to some ante natal classes with her, gave her lifts to buy baby stuff etc. Maybe easier because she didn't have family, her bf lived further away (and was a bit on and off) and she needed a babysitter two evenings a week so she could get out. I had to put up with all kinds of stuff. If I didn't drop everything and do what she wanted then she'd threaten to stop me seeing son. But by 3 months I was having him overnight twice a week (she liked her nights out). I got bullied for more money, called all sorts of names. It was no fun. But just looked at the longer term. Sometimes she'd be quite nice - if I did everything she wanted!

Maybe you could try some kind of dialogue with her (by text if not talking) - like say you're sorry about that incident and hope we can put that behind us and the important thing now is we both make sure the baby has stable relationships and what he needs, and you would like to have the chance to prove that she can trust you. That you will use whatever she thinks best for the baby if he comes to your house.

Sounds like her family might be a problem. Does she live with them?
Wow thanks for sharing your experience, things like this are soo complicated. Since the police incident, I didn’t get to see my son for 2 weeks that was a few months ago. I manage to keep contact and finally got bullied into going to their house to see him, she said she can’t allow him out of her sights due to me calling the cops. Also she kept making the statement that I got the social services involved in our sons life and that somehow means I want to steal him from her. I’ve been trying to cooperate with her ever since, I’ve been told by her dad that I’m not allowed free movement in their house. I should literally sit in the living room with my son and play with him until I’m ready to leave. So I can’t take him out their house and I’m not allowed to be free in it. Still manage to convince her to let me bring him to my house & that only lasted 2 weeks, on the second time she got angry cos I didn’t pick up her call. Then said I’m not allowed to bring him to my house anymore because she doesn’t know who I could have around him & that because of Covid she doesn’t trust me. She has various people around my son that I don’t even begin to have a clue who they are. It’s one rule for her and a different rule for me, all in the name that she’s the “primary carer” I’ve been getting bullied and strong handed and I literally feel powerless in most occasions. Due to our most recent contact, I asked a few weeks ago if I can come get my son and she refused, so I decided to just allow contact with her for now, it really affects my mental health having to deal with someone unreasonable, because I know what she’s doing is soo illegal but no one can tell her nothing except a judge. I just get told that she can do whatever she wants because she’s his primary carer, she’s moved into a nee flat now but the later will get to her family house and I’m sure they’ll give it to her.
 
What time did you ask for? If you didn't ask for specific times etc, then you can put that in a position statement which you submit at the first hearing. It's just like a note really for the Judge. You're allowed to do a position statement for every hearing. Your McK friend should know.

Usually on the C100 you put what the situation is, and what you would like the court to do at the end of describing the situation. Eg I ask the court make a Child Arrangements order for my son to spend time with me as follows:

Every Tuesday and Saturday night from 3pm through to 3pm the next day. And every Monday and Thursday tea time for two hours. Something like that. In the position statement you can also put things like how you have been experienced in the bottle feeding since x weeks old and nappy changing and sharing the care until recently. You might want to ask for it to be a "shared care" order as well, rather than "spends time with".
So I paid My McKenzie friend And he did the form for me, I wrote that she refuses to allow me to take him out of the house. Due to him being young we requested to build up contact and when he’s older to get contact through midweek, alternate weekends Friday through Monday and equal share of holidays. Then for the present moment contact through the midweek as well as contact during weekends in my home. Due to hostility from her and her family in her home, I don’t like him experiencing that. She doesn’t control her temper in front of him, I notice that although he’s young he covers his ear when she shouts so I just ask her to come outside away from him or stop shouting.
 
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