The beginning of my journey.

[JayMC]

Found this website last night, during my daily struggle.

Myself and my now ex partner got together in 2022, we had known each other for about 10 years, we were both in seperate relationships but she openly admits she waited 8 of those 10 years to seize her opportunity with me.

We had 2 fantastic years, no arguments, a lot of love, fantastic times and memories I had found my soulmate my forever.
I have 4 kids from 2 past long term relationships, 2 are now adults, she took them on like a duck to water she was fantastic with them and the youngest absolutely adores her, they did everything together when he was here.

She fell pregnant after moving from one contraception to another (I know), the pregnancy was ok, but about half way through things began to change, she grew distant, spent more time back at her mums, clothing and stuff would also make its way back there.
During her labour the staff were concerned about the baby, so they decided to do an emergency c section, she asked on the way to theatre if her mum could be there instead, they do have a very special bond more so than normal, her mum is also a special care baby nurse. Her reasoning was that if anything was wrong her mum could explain and reassure her.
When she asked this on the way to theatre her mum was right there with us, I felt like I had no choice.
Baby was born ok, she was discharged within a few days and we went back home, the morning after the first night I woke up to find her packing a bag, her mum was on the way to collect her.

She didn’t want to be in our flat during her recovery as she felt she would be trapped, she was going to spend 6 weeks at her mums and then return. You can guess the return never happened.

For 4 months I have seen her and baby once per week, that’s all the “time” she could give me, when together everything would be just like it was before - perfect, she would always reassure me everything would be ok. She loves me, she even sparked conversations about marriage and a second baby in 12-18 months time repeatedly.

In the last few weeks, things began to change again, her behaviour with her phone changed, turning it face down, turning herself away from me when sending messages or turning the brightness down to send one and then turning it back up.
I believe based on the very little I’ve seen she has been messaging someone on Instagram.

Last Friday after a good 24 hours, again talking marriage and babies being intimate as normal, she goes off to the toilet and I notice her camera is open, she’s on Instagram and comes back and sits down and immediately a new Instagram direct message pops up.

She packs her overnight bag and takes it out to her car (and to read the message obviously) about 15 mins later she declares that she does not love me anymore, and feels nothing for our relationship.
Emotional conversation aside, she leaves giving me several kisses saying she’s not saying this is forever, she will never stop me seeing our son and I can see him whenever I like.

Since she left, I have not seen either of them, she ghosts my messages and won’t reply when I ask to see him or when I ask to work out a schedule.
I’ve started the process and had my MIAM I am waiting for them to contact her.

But I am heartbroken and emotionally distressed. I miss them both dearly, I don’t know when I will see my 4 month old boy again, reading these forums I could miss everything, rolling, crawling, teething his first Xmas and maybe his first birthday.

The financial costs I am seeing are not affordable they would destroy me, but so does not seeing him.

I just feel like all hope is lost, and I have no reasons as to why she won’t let me see him and where all this came from.

 

[Oneofmany]

Found this website last night, during my daily struggle.

Myself and my now ex partner got together in 2022, we had known each other for about 10 years, we were both in seperate relationships but she openly admits she waited 8 of those 10 years to seize her opportunity with me.

We had 2 fantastic years, no arguments, a lot of love, fantastic times and memories I had found my soulmate my forever.
I have 4 kids from 2 past long term relationships, 2 are now adults, she took them on like a duck to water she was fantastic with them and the youngest absolutely adores her, they did everything together when he was here.

She fell pregnant after moving from one contraception to another (I know), the pregnancy was ok, but about half way through things began to change, she grew distant, spent more time back at her mums, clothing and stuff would also make its way back there.
During her labour the staff were concerned about the baby, so they decided to do an emergency c section, she asked on the way to theatre if her mum could be there instead, they do have a very special bond more so than normal, her mum is also a special care baby nurse. Her reasoning was that if anything was wrong her mum could explain and reassure her.
When she asked this on the way to theatre her mum was right there with us, I felt like I had no choice.
Baby was born ok, she was discharged within a few days and we went back home, the morning after the first night I woke up to find her packing a bag, her mum was on the way to collect her.

She didn’t want to be in our flat during her recovery as she felt she would be trapped, she was going to spend 6 weeks at her mums and then return. You can guess the return never happened.

For 4 months I have seen her and baby once per week, that’s all the “time” she could give me, when together everything would be just like it was before - perfect, she would always reassure me everything would be ok. She loves me, she even sparked conversations about marriage and a second baby in 12-18 months time repeatedly.

In the last few weeks, things began to change again, her behaviour with her phone changed, turning it face down, turning herself away from me when sending messages or turning the brightness down to send one and then turning it back up.
I believe based on the very little I’ve seen she has been messaging someone on Instagram.

Last Friday after a good 24 hours, again talking marriage and babies being intimate as normal, she goes off to the toilet and I notice her camera is open, she’s on Instagram and comes back and sits down and immediately a new Instagram direct message pops up.

She packs her overnight bag and takes it out to her car (and to read the message obviously) about 15 mins later she declares that she does not love me anymore, and feels nothing for our relationship.
Emotional conversation aside, she leaves giving me several kisses saying she’s not saying this is forever, she will never stop me seeing our son and I can see him whenever I like.

Since she left, I have not seen either of them, she ghosts my messages and won’t reply when I ask to see him or when I ask to work out a schedule.
I’ve started the process and had my MIAM I am waiting for them to contact her.

But I am heartbroken and emotionally distressed. I miss them both dearly, I don’t know when I will see my 4 month old boy again, reading these forums I could miss everything, rolling, crawling, teething his first Xmas and maybe his first birthday.

The financial costs I am seeing are not affordable they would destroy me, but so does not seeing him.

I just feel like all hope is lost, and I have no reasons as to why she won’t let me see him and where all this came from.

Ah mate, I cant imagine what your feeling right now but know the feeling of no hope. Most of us have been through this in some way or other. Just dont give up, thats what they want

 

[Hobnob]

I feel for you. You've done the right thing by starting the court process. If she doesn't attend mediation you can file a c100 straight away, just need a letter from the mediator.

Hopefully she will attend and you can arrive at an agreement. It maybe that she has post natal depression. What is your relationship with her mum like? If it's good I would speak to her and try to get some sense from this situation.

In the mean time be very careful regarding contacting her as anything you say now can be used against you and do not send too many messages as she could say it's harassment. She hasn't blocked you which is something at least.

Keep strong and ask questions here or just have a rant etc.

 

[JayMC]

I feel for you. You've done the right thing by starting the court process. If she doesn't attend mediation you can file a c100 straight away, just need a letter from the mediator.

Hopefully she will attend and you can arrive at an agreement. It maybe that she has post natal depression. What is your relationship with her mum like? If it's good I would speak to her and try to get some sense from this situation.

In the mean time be very careful regarding contacting her as anything you say now can be used against you and do not send too many messages as she could say it's harassment. She hasn't blocked you which is something at least.

Keep strong and ask questions here or just have a rant etc.

Her mum and I used to have a good relationship, but once she began moving out her mum distanced herself.
I did message her mum the other day, simply to say that I wanted to see my son, I know she may not want to hear from me but the child comes first.
She didn’t reply, unsurprisingly.

The difficulty with PND which was a consideration, is I only saw them once a week, and where does a man go with this, health visitors don’t contact dads if they aren’t present for visits so everything just gets written off. Health visitors should actively speak to both parents in my opinion.

Yes I am worried about contacting her, I try not to do every day and when I do message I simply ask can I see my son this week, please let me know. And that’s all I say, I suspect I will get blocked once she has collected her belongings.
I feel like she’s going to do her best to alienate me from his life for as long as she can

 

[Hobnob]

Do you have parent responsibility?

 

[JayMC]

Do you have parent responsibility?

Yes I m on the birth certificate

 

[Hobnob]

That's good then. Really there isn't much you can do now other than wait for a response to the MIAM. It's truly awful that this can happen so easily. If someone abducted a friend or relative you could call the police. The mother takes your child and they just say it's a civil matter. As always in these cases be prepared for accusations and lies. Make sure you take care of yourself, it's a tough time for you right now.

 

[Ash]

I am really sorry you're going through this. Have you any idea what happened? Why she changed after giving birth? And then kept coming and going? It does all sound a bit hot and cold and like lack of commitment. It also sounds like yes she might be seeing someone - alternatively just chatting with female friends about "her life".

Don't despair. It's not an easy situation but you have done nothing wrong, so the court will give you an order to spend time with your son, I am sure.

I would start filling out your C100 now, so it's completed and ready to go when you get signed off from mediation. Because even if she attends mediation, I can't see her agreeing to a consent order to legalise/formalise things, which is what you need for stability and certainty (and so does your boy). The other reason to have it all ready to go is once she's invited to mediation, she might realise you're intending to apply to court.

Mediators usually give it a week or two to get a response and if they get no response, they will sign you off.

There are guides on here to completing the C100, I'll add them below and I'm happy to look over your application before it goes if you want - helps to have a fresh pair of eyes sometimes.

Hopefully you won't need to spend money and can self rep for most of it at least if it's a simple case - which at the moment, it sounds like it is.

In the meantime, although you don't want to get accused of harrassment, sending a message to try and agree child arrangements is perfectly acceptable. As long as you don't keep bombarding her. It must be hell to be just cut off like that cold.

So rather than ask when you can see your son - instead send a polite formal message - example below:

"Hi. I hope you and xxxx are fine. I'm just contacting you to try and make an arrangement for continuing to see xxxx as before. I propose Saturdays from 11am to 4pm for now. I am happy either for you to drop him off or me collect him from you, or meet at a park for a handover for example. Please let me know what you think. Your name",

So she'll get that and she'll get the contact from the mediator.

Can I just ask. Did she have any children before? Or is this her first? I'm guessing it's her first and it sounds a bit like her Mother, the baby expert, is having quite a lot of influence. Maybe she likes the idea of being the main person involved. Grandparents can cause issues sometimes. It sounds like she is overly involved. Ultimately it's up to your ex who is the Mother, but you can get some interfering Mother in Laws/Grandparents!

 

[JayMC]

I am really sorry you're going through this. Have you any idea what happened? Why she changed after giving birth? And then kept coming and going? It does all sound a bit hot and cold and like lack of commitment. It also sounds like yes she might be seeing someone - alternatively just chatting with female friends about "her life".

Don't despair. It's not an easy situation but you have done nothing wrong, so the court will give you an order to spend time with your son, I am sure.

I would start filling out your C100 now, so it's completed and ready to go when you get signed off from mediation. Because even if she attends mediation, I can't see her agreeing to a consent order to legalise/formalise things, which is what you need for stability and certainty (and so does your boy). The other reason to have it all ready to go is once she's invited to mediation, she might realise you're intending to apply to court.

Mediators usually give it a week or two to get a response and if they get no response, they will sign you off.

There are guides on here to completing the C100, I'll add them below and I'm happy to look over your application before it goes if you want - helps to have a fresh pair of eyes sometimes.

Hopefully you won't need to spend money and can self rep for most of it at least if it's a simple case - which at the moment, it sounds like it is.

In the meantime, although you don't want to get accused of harrassment, sending a message to try and agree child arrangements is perfectly acceptable. As long as you don't keep bombarding her. It must be hell to be just cut off like that cold.

So rather than ask when you can see your son - instead send a polite formal message - example below:

"Hi. I hope you and xxxx are fine. I'm just contacting you to try and make an arrangement for continuing to see xxxx as before. I propose Saturdays from 11am to 4pm for now. I am happy either for you to drop him off or me collect him from you, or meet at a park for a handover for example. Please let me know what you think. Your name",

So she'll get that and she'll get the contact from the mediator.

Can I just ask. Did she have any children before? Or is this her first? I'm guessing it's her first and it sounds a bit like her Mother, the baby expert, is having quite a lot of influence. Maybe she likes the idea of being the main person involved. Grandparents can cause issues sometimes. It sounds like she is overly involved. Ultimately it's up to your ex who is the Mother, but you can get some interfering Mother in Laws/Grandparents!

As silly as it sounds, no idea it just began to happen, slowly at first as I say and then after the birth she just went and it’s been once a week and on that one day it was very hot and then the rest of the week would be cold.

Obviously I’m not stupid, I’ve been waiting for this moment because it all felt wrong except for when we were together for that 24 hours.
I know her female friend circle it’s quite small, they have a WhatsApp group (who doesn’t) so the Instagram and being sneaky with it don’t really fit.

I will tackle the C100 tomorrow and get you to look over it if that’s ok?

It’s her first child, albeit she lived with me and my 15 year old for 18 months and she often has her friends kids when they want a day out but that’s not the same as her own.

Her mum will definitely be an influence, they have a unique relationship more akin to best friends, several holidays a year together, day trips etc they text all day every day (no joke).
Her mum also represents an easy life financially.

I am under no illusion mediation will prove to be a waste of time, she can’t bear to have him out of her sight for a few minutes let alone longer.
She knows I intent to apply to court, she is aware of that already, which may explain some of her reaction but it seems self defeatist without good cause to keep him from me.

It’s hard, yes because I miss him, I hate the idea of missing out so much of his growth.
But I also miss the person that was my best friend and soulmate, I can accept it’s over and that’s her decision, but she didn’t have to be this cold and hostile we could have kept a distant but cooperative friendship for his benefit.

 

[Ash]

I think if you weren't even allowed to live with your own child after the birth, the writing was on the wall and it was all very much on her terms.

 

[JayMC]

I think if you weren't even allowed to live with your own child after the birth, the writing was on the wall and it was all very much on her terms.

Well she’s supposed to be coming on Monday to collect the small amount of belongings she has left here, nothing expensive make up and the like.

Said she’s fine to collect, as long as she brings our son so I can see him, she’s refused.

So I’ve said unfortunately I won’t be providing access on Monday.

 

[Ash]

That's a tricky one. You do need to give her her belongings or she could report you to the Police. Sadly witholding belongings is more of a criminal thing than witholding children.

And also you need to be very careful from now on what you put in messages, if applying to court, so she doesn't try and use them against you.

I would just send a polite message saying - I can put your belongings outside in bags if you wish to collect. If you change your mind about bringing our son to see me then we can arrange something different.

 

[Hobnob]

I think her mother is heavily involved in this situation. Your ex and her mother never cut the apron strings so she's brought her daughter home where she "belongs". I'm so sorry this is happening to you. But as Ash said it does seem like a simple case for a CAO.

 

[JayMC]

That's a tricky one. You do need to give her her belongings or she could report you to the Police. Sadly witholding belongings is more of a criminal thing than witholding children.

And also you need to be very careful from now on what you put in messages, if applying to court, so she doesn't try and use them against you.

I would just send a polite message saying - I can put your belongings outside in bags if you wish to collect. If you change your mind about bringing our son to see me then we can arrange something different.

So I previously spent 14 years in policing, there’s no criminal offence to not let her in my home.
It also doesn’t meet the definition of theft, no dishonest appropriation with the intent to permanently deprive, it would be a civil issue

Does it make me look difficult, yes I accept that. But she’s using him as a weapon. She could just bring him for the half an hour it will take her and collect her stuff.

Yes I have been careful, I’ve worded it better than I did on here.

 

[Ash]

Good to know! I think most people just dump it outside in bin bags The reason I mention it as well is, even if it's not illegal, it's the kind of thing ex's claim to Cafcass as "coercive control". He refused to let me have my possessions. The irony being of course, she's refusing to let you see your child. But no I wouldn't let her into the house.

 

[JayMC]

So she’s dodged mediation by alleging domestic abuse that never happened.

 

[Hobnob]

File a C100 immediately.

 

[JayMC]

Has anyone ever crowdfunded legal fees before? This is my biggest issue, I don’t have savings or the disposable income required.

 

[Ash]

Definitely get the C100 in now - if she’s said that to the mediator she might be putting her own application in and you want yours there first.

 

[JayMC]

Definitely get the C100 in now - if she’s said that to the mediator she might be putting her own application in and you want yours there first.

I am just waiting on the mediator to send me the certificate