How to cope with serious false allegations?

[RJ25]

Hi all, I am posting here because I’ve just started the court process. I have my paperwork and CAFCASS have emailed me so will no doubt be in touch very soon. I apologise for the long post.

A little about my situation. The ex has taken my kids to another county. From there she’s started a campaign of false and some very serious allegations against me. She’s claiming two of my children have said I’ve been abusing them. One child has said I’ve been verbally abusive the other verbal/physical. All of this is untrue and I was very shocked when I was told this.

From the outset my ex has claimed she believes I’ve been sexually abusing the children. No evidence or ever a word from the children to even raise this suspicion (just her twisted mind trying to alienate me or frighten me in to giving up) and my children know they’re lying but must feel they have no choice so I don’t blame them and never will.

Ex then try’s to pull a stunt to prove I am by getting my youngest to say certain things at preschool. This is a 3 year old how low can you get. SS are involved and discussed this with preschool and have no belief it’s anything to do with me as I’ve had no contact for four months by this time and it’s clearly a learned behaviour. Ex pipes up and says it’s because Dads been doing things to them. She’s not taken seriously of course as it’s obvious it’s nothing to do with me.

One month later, one of my children apparently disclosed I have been sexually abusing him. He refused to say anything more. I’m left with no choice but to go through the courts knowing I’ll face a backlash from her. And boy am I as she’s finally broken my child in to talking to the police. Seems this coincided and happened just as she received the notification from the courts to say that’s where I’m taking it as I’m left with no other option.

So we get to today I’m attending all CIN meetings even extra meetings and asked for CAFCASS intervention/investigation all with SS not listening but SS have finally offered me an advocate whatever that is to help me be heard and my concerns to passed to SS. It seems that anything that comes out my mouth clearly isn’t worth listening to and they’ve already taken a side. SS obviously told me it’s not their job to take sides though seems they have.

Has anyone been in this position with an ex who is willing to stop at nothing to brake you or have you removed and deleted from your Children’s lives. If so can you advise on how you protected yourself and your children from such an evil twisted ex who seems to be able to say and do as she pleases just to get what she wants.

Any help or advise would be appreciated thank you. RJ

 

[InvisibleIntellectual]

Hi There

Don't apologise for long posts, just be careful not to divulge too many details that could prejudice your court case.

In the Family Courts your ex can level all sorts of allegations at you as she wants, you can question these at a Fact of Finding hearing at a later date, though given the nature of the allegations, its unlikely you will get to question your ex directly, more like you will be asked to submit questions to a magistrate/judge and they will ask on your behalf.

"From the outset my ex has claimed she believes I’ve been sexually abusing the children. No evidence or ever a word from the children to even raise this suspicion (just her twisted mind trying to alienate me or frighten me in to giving up) and my children know they’re lying but must feel they have no choice so I don’t blame them and never will."

This is Parental Alienation at its worst, I would counsel you to keep a diary, as detailed as you can, and yes I know it sounds like you are getting hit with the shitty stick of life at the moment, but in the long run this will be worth it. Dont use the PA words in a court document as this can go against you, but you can broach the subject with CAFCASS as they are (slowly) starting to become aware of it.

"Ex then try’s to pull a stunt to prove I am by getting my youngest to say certain things in a situation at preschool this is a 3 year old how low can you get. SS are told of this behaviour by preschool, SS or preschool discuss this and have no belief it’s anything to do with me as I’ve had no contact for four months by this time and it’s clearly a learned behaviour. Ex pipes up and says it’s because Dads been doing things to them. She’s not taken seriously of course as it’s obvious it’s nothing to do with me."

The fact that PreSchool and Social Services are aware of these allegations and are not taking them seriously, is a good sign, do your best to keep them onside - this is all evidence which you can reference during this process, again, dont get down about them, its your ex talking, not your kids.

"One month later my middle child apparently disclosed I have been sexually abusing him. He refused to say anything more. I’m left with no choice but to go through the courts knowing I’ll face a backlash from her. And boy am I as she’s finally broken my child in to talking to the police. Seems this coincided and happened just as she received the notification from the courts to say that’s where I’m taking it as I’m left with no other option."

If the police have arrested you and searched your electronic devices we need to have a different conversation, though if they havent then it is safe to say that these allegations are not being taken seriously by them either, you just need to document ALL of this, including any letters, emails, etc you have from any of the services involved, these will all come in handy during your court process.

"So we get to today I’m attending all CIN meetings even extra meetings and asked for CAFCASS intervention/investigation all with SS not listening but SS have finally offered me an advocate whatever that is to help me be heard and my concerns to passed to SS. It seems that anything that comes out my mouth clearly isn’t worth listening to and they’ve already taken a side. SS obviously told me it’s not their job to take sides though seems they have."

Take the advocate, this will be worth it in the long run for your case, you may be forced to jump through some hoops by the advocate, but it will work better for you, SS are not interested in anything other than whether you have done these heinous crimes, and if you haven't, then they simply aren't interested in you continually protesting, but also again, keep all documentation and any meetings you have with them, as I have tinnitus I usually ask to record any meetings so I can understand them better later - I have found that helps me.

"Has anyone been in this position with an ex who is willing to stop at nothing to brake you or have you removed and deleted from your Children’s lives. If so can you advise on how you protected yourself and your children from such an evil twisted ex who seems to be able to say and do as she pleases just to get what she wants."

God yes, where do I start? The multiple arrests? The sex offence allegations? The allegations of domestic/sexual/financial/emotional/physical abuse? You arent alone, you are not the first, and sadly, you wont be the last..........

Feel free to ask anything more you need to

Invis

 

[Ash]

Hi again. I can’t imagine what you must be going through thinking of your own kids claiming this about you. As Invisible says, it is extreme parental alienation (IF it gets to the point that the children are brainwashed and believe what they are saying). And it is certainly attempted PA. It’s called the nuclear option when an ex claims sexual abuse of children. A way to remove the Dad entirely (or ab attempt to). However there have been plenty of similar cases and either residency transferred or a shared care order with a family assistance order (ie Cafcass monitoring what is happening and that the order is actually being followed).

All I can say is - keep believing in your kids. They may have to go along with this as currently they are totally dependent on your ex as the only parent caring for then right now. But they may still be loyal. When my ex made allegations about me to social services (and this was after years of co parenting but my partner and I had just set up home together), my son, quite cleverly, threw a few red herrings into the interview. Which meant everything else he said was seen as unreliable. He did repeat the coaching which was quite shocking but it also clearly upset him (I was still seeing him - he didn’t talk about it but was really upset). But luckily some of the coaching was picked up by SS as he was using adult phrases and language. He was just saying what he had been told to say. What really gave it away was he had to write some things about family in a sheet of paper - had written “Dad” but then crossed it out and written my Christian name underneath. He had remembered he wasn’t allowed to call me Dad when with ex. SS picked that up straight away and said how sad it was and tore ex off a strip.

This helped me when applying to court in the end - the closure report from SS which said very little but it did say no issues with me or my home. Cafcass contacted SS to verify what I’d said had happened. That really helped - along with school being positive about me (and slating ex!).

That’s a bit different for you as your ex has cleverly got then into a school where you’re not known. She has it all planned out - remember that - I am sure there is a blueprint for Mums to do this on the internet somewhere but one thing I’ve found is that an ex who is intent on being the sole parent will plot and scheme well ahead. She’ll have thought it all through to cover all bases.

She probably already knows that Dads will get an order to see children - sometimes 50/50 - unless there are welfare issues. So she invents some. She may also know (if she’s done her research) that it needs to be something serious to entirely prevent contact. She will also probably know that now it’s going to court you will get supervised contact initially and no doubt she will say the kids don’t want to go. Or pressurise them and not let them go (or not even tell them they’re supposed to be seeing you).

We will have to wait and see but the more she tries to prevent the kids seeing you, the more she is likely to lose sole residence.

But speed and time or getting it dealt with are important so the kids aren’t damaged by long delays and this ongoing.

That’s for later (ensuring she isn’t able to delay processes) re position statements etc.

But right now - you have your application in - keep thinking positive that your kids are mot happy with this and secretly hoping you’re getting things fixed. Don’t underestimate that. They can’t show they’re thinking about you but you can guarantee they are and hoping you’ll sort it out. The oldest ones may even be trying to see you online and check up on you. (Nick Woodall PA expert told one Dad they sometimes cyberstalk a parent they can’t see).

No doubt SS have talked to them about you as part of the process so they know you haven’t given up.

Police interviewers are expert in ascertaining whether or not a child is telling the truth by careful questioning.

It will be noticed by the courts that your ex arranged for child to speak to police and this happened AFTER she received the court papers.

The court know from the start what’s what because of your application wording - and you do seem to have had a hearing date and Cafcass contact much sooner than most people are getting at the moment (although I don’t think you said when the first hearing date is - is it within 6 weeks?).

The fact that SS have then classed as children in need means they know the children are conflicted. And that could work against your ex. SS have left them with her because she’s made allegations against you (to cover themselves) but clearly know they could be wrong and she may be harming the kids emotionally - hence the children in need classification. That is good - it means they’re keeping an eye on things. And I bet they are relieved you’ve applied to court.

I also think it sounds positive they have allocated you an advocate and I’d go with that, but ask the advocate from the outset who they work for. Are they part of social services or independent? Ask nicely! You want them onside, not sounding suspicious. So ask as an aside maybe during conversation.

As Invisible said, keep notes. Document everything. Email notes and diary entries to your own email (from your own email). That way they are date and time stamped.

After each meeting, write down what happened and what was said. If it doesn’t come out right at first go through and edit it with the thought in mind that someone else may read this. Ie redo the email and resend and delete the old one.

I found I lapse too much into emotional territory on first writing something out. Nothing wrong with that - it’s realistic - but can end up too long. So fine to say you felt shocked and gutted when informed of xyz.

But it needs to be record of what was said - what they told you, what questions you asked, what the responses were.

The hard bit about this situation is knowing what questions to ask. I’d go with your gut - as you have been doing. But also prepare a bit before each meeting so you can concisely say what you’re not happy about (delays and the pressure your kids must be under) and ask what options there are to protect the kids from being brainwashed by constant untruths.

I’d also start preparing a timeline, right now, which can be used in court. They are very effective . A Judge can scan through quickly and see a sequence of events that bring relevant points to their attention. It’s something they can work with.

So a timeline is simply what it says. A list of events next to dates.

Start with when you met your ex, when you married, any significant events after marriage (eg a house move or change of profession). The dates the kids were born. Any significant events re the kids. Include every holiday you’ve ever had as a family - dates and locations. Including longer stays with relatives.

Keep each entry to one line if you can (two is ok but not too often).

Then the time of separation, attempts at reconciliation (if appropriate), what happened next and when.

So something like

Your name - Father

Timeline

June 2010 Jane snd I met at y place
June 2011 June and I married - living at y place
Aug 2011 Holiday in Devon visiting Jane’s parents.
Xth July 2012 Joe born
December 2012 Holiday with my parents over Christmas with Joe.
Xth October 2013 Anne born
Xth January 2014 -moved house to xxxxxxxx(address)
Xth September 2014 - both children at nursery.
Xth Jan 2015 Ted born.
Xth even Feb 2015 Working part time from home and caring for children.
May 2015 Taught Joe to ride a bike
July 2015 - Holiday at centerparcs with children. Taught both children to swim.
Nov 2015 Unemployed, at home, full time carer to children.


That kind of thing- made up but you get the picture. Ending with the current important dates - when you separated. What happened immediately after you separated. When the first allegation was made. Who moved where and when.

 

[Ash]

Just a thought as well. Assume there is no NMO against you? Even if there was it doesn’t mean you can’t ask for updates and info from the kids school and GP. You’re still their parent.

I think you could write an introductory letter to the school (there’s a template on here) and get in the loop with communication from them and also offer to come and meet them.

Wonder what others think about that in this situation.?

 

[sean]

Hello RJ25, first of all sorry that you are going through this, what possibly looks like a worse possible nightmare once could have, and I have lived it all like many other dads here. Invisible and Ash are absolutely spot on in everything that is said. It seems like you are at the beginning of what appears like a journey which is full of emotions (rightly so), but the 2 gents have really laid out solid points about how the system works. Yes, it is a system and the knowledge of the system that we find ourselves in will greatly help you.

I couldn't agree more that when the ex's like yours or mine, decide to take the dad's out of children's lives they will try anything and everything under the sun - Exactly 3 years ago, my children mother at the time said I'm going to harm the children, screamed at them, said inappropriate things about their anatomy, and that I'm going to kill ex, so on so forth. I had NMO and occupational order against me, 2 police arrests, spent nearly 2 years at the contact center, I had to go thru absolute hell to first of all to save myself from police, SS, CAFCASS, judges you name it...this is when children were a year older. Tell you what, fast forward to yesterday, I picked my 2 from the school, went for shopping, got back home, played puzzle, gave bath, dinner, kissed them good night, said I love them. Got them ready this morning, they wouldn't stop saying daddy at the back of the car, I dropped them at the front gate of the school, both gave me kiss and a tight hug before going in. The reason I say all that my friend, is because all that didn't happen overnight, I had to work through the system one day at a time, first to clear myself of all the false allegations and then proving that I'm a good dad.

be mentally prepared for the long haul, keep yourself mentally sane, physically fit, don't lose yourself, sometime it feels too much handle too take on the entire system, but things will turn around, you will have your children one day just like I did.

now onto specific case detail, it feels like you could do with an advocate on your side for sure. I guess the main challenge you need to address is, ex taking the children out of the country. I had to deal with it to the extent that, I got a prohibitory steps order to pre empt ex from taking children out of the country until my application for CAO is full dealt with. SO based on that experience then, question -- Do you know if children are still out of the country ? if they are, is the country they are in now, is that country signatory to hague child abduction convention ? I'd suggest getting a PSO (prohibitory steps order) regardless ex is back in the country or not.

Finally we are here to help you, feel free to ask any question, there is enough experience and knowledge on this portal, I'm sure you will find an answer.

 

[Ash]

Great advice Sean . Just to point out I think they are in this country but moved to another “county “

 

[InvisibleIntellectual]

A judge wont stop a mother moving to another county (eventually) - whilst you can show how it impacts contact, you can have any order adjusted so that your time isnt dminished.

 

[proud_dad]

A judge wont stop a mother moving to another county (eventually) - whilst you can show how it impacts contact, you can have any order adjusted so that your time isnt dminished.

But a judge can order that the children remain in this country.

 

[RJ25]

Hi all, thank you for the great advice. Firstly there’s no NMO as of yet. The first hearing is the 28th of this month, no one to attend I’m guessing that will be the courts SS and CAFCASS maybe. I’ve not had a date for interview with CAFCASS as of yet but they have made contact. Ex seems to be sticking with middle child for the most in regards to allegations, strangely he’s the one who actually spent a lot of time with me and often showed me more affection than he ever did to the ex.

I’ve chased up getting the advocate sorted I’m told it’s in had but will keep pushing for that. It’s very frustrating as I know I’ll have to talk to police which is frightening for anyone, if it feels like no one is listening you sort of think why will they.

I’ve started a timeline already Ash and will keep that going. I know my court application has and will get to her, she’s a narcissist I’m sure of it and just the knowledge I still live and breathe seems to trigger her.

It’s a strange situation because as Ash says my children are probably secretly hoping I’ll come and save them and at the same time I’m hoping one of them will do or say something that could save me.

I know their not allowed to talk about me or to any of my family this can be proven. Ex clearly things she has this all sewn up and loves the attention and control. The court application has taken some control away and I have no doubt that’s going to spark a firestorm, in a way it may actually trigger her in to doing something silly that will expose her and her sly little plan.

All of your words off encouragement help and give me hope that things can and will be ok so thank you everyone.

 

[InvisibleIntellectual]

Having gone through these allegations (and worse) if you need someone to sound out then please DM me

 

[RJ25]

Thank you invisible, I’ve just had my email confirmation for interview date with CAFCASS. I’ll be looking for advice on how to manage that situation and what to ask/say or not.

 

[InvisibleIntellectual]

Ah I meant the police allegations - thanks to my Ex I have a LOT of experience on this one - but can also assist with CAFCASS as well

 

[RJ25]

It’s so sad to hear you’ve been through so much. Any advice and assistance in both areas would be greatly appreciated. It’s frightening and sometimes overwhelming but the thought of my children suffering makes me get up every day and fight on doing the best I can to make sure I’m in the best shape possible to carry on. I’m probably the same as you and many others who’ve been there, it leaves you in some very dark places feeling pain you never knew existed. Though on the other hand having children also showed me a kind of love I’d never known before. I’d give anything just for ten minutes with my children to hug them and tell them I love them and that I’ll never give up.

 

[Ash]

Yep it’s hell. It’s outrageous really that any parent should be able to “kidnap” their children. And it’s taking advantage of the slowness of procedures with SS and Police.

Ok so I think when your ex blows up receiving the application (and she will know now) - that will give your kids hope - that you’re fighting this.

You mentioned it strange that the child who is talking to Police was the one closest to you. That is why she has him doing it and not one of the others - knowing it will hurt you the most. Trying to break the strongest loyalty. Make a note of that in an email diary - it may come in handy.

So I do think she is attempting to alienate them and may have partially achieved it by this conversation with police. But bear in mind, children don’t go to Police of their own accord. Your ex is the one who has gone to the Police and said child has “disclosed” this to her and then told child what to say. And she will have put him under pressure. They have to do what they’re told. If he isn’t “alienated” (ie temporarily brainwashed) then he will still have loyalty to you and may well throw in red herrings or do the interview on a way to make him seem to have an unreliable account - that is very brave if he does that as he risks his Mother’s wrath if they don’t believe it.

I am very glad that SS are involved because narcissists can become more and more maverick if they feel they’re losing. SS will be able to keep an eye on your kids.

So why the heck won’t she let you just see them once or twice a week? They’re your kids! Another point to make in your diary.

That until x date there were no allegations do why didn’t she let you see the kids then? Your kids. It shows vindictiveness. She will lie of course.

Cafcass call will need some forethought and preparation as they will hear exes lies before they speak to you - let us know when you get a date for the call.

I am encouraged that it all seems to be happening quite quickly - the court can see the seriousness of the situation from your application.

If your ex wants legal aid for court she is going to have to claim evidence of abuse against her, not just the kids. I suggest you apply for legal aid yourself - for the abuse against you of these horrific allegations regarding your own children. Get in first if you can.

It is a lot to deal with and juggle - I had to compartmentalise - go into business mode to deal with the practicalities and paperwork, strategies etc - motivated by trying to protect kids. Compartmentalising the emotions and having those at a different time - letting them out now and then - going for a long walk used to help.

I had the advantage of never having lived with or been married to my ex so she couldn’t accuse me of abuse lol. We only dated for a few weeks - hardly saw each other. So instead she just accused me of being controlling. And claiming my son had told her things. Cafcass seem to assume everyone is divorced and so I had to keep drawing attention to the history.

Try to keep feeling confident - she must be desperately clutching at straws to try and find something that will stick if there isn’t anything. Heinous what she is accusing. As someone said to me - keep giving her enough rope - and she might hand herself (trip up).

I am interested in this “advocate”. Barristers are “advocates “ in the law arena - they argue for you in court. So interested to know what kind of advocate it is and where they are from - although technically the word advocate just means someone who speaks for you when it’s hard to speak up for yourself.

I am surprised the Police haven’t interviewed you yet. That suggests they don’t believe the story and may well be looking into investigating her. We don’t know.

The fact you now have a court hearing and have applied, helps- rather than being seen to sit there doing nothing, which suggests not denying things kind of. The advice I had (after a lot of seeking advice) was - deal with allegations robustly - don’t let them sit and fester and proliferate - and you have - you’ve put the situation rationally to the courts.

Ok so I think you need to write to the school and introduce yourself - get in the loop with their education. Mention there is currently a court application in progress and you have some concerns as to how the children are coping emotionally with the situation and request the school do anything they can to support the children at this time. Check out the school
template letter- it’ll need tweaking in your case.

 

[InvisibleIntellectual]

CAFCASS want to see that BOTH parents are making attempts to at least see their children, so keep attempting to do so, keep asking about arrangements, etc - if you are seen to be actively making arrangements and she is not, then this works in your favour, however, please do this via email and not repetitively.

 

[Ash]

Good point Invisible makes there. There is no NMO preventing you contacting her. So you could email her politely and briefly asking her to agree to you seeing the children every other weekend. Assume you have tried to ask her to go to mediation already. Or maybe tried contacting her already. Any reply she sends could also be good evidence. It sounds like SS have just been saying she refuses to let you see the children though. So ideally you need that in writing.

 

[RJ25]

Hi all, thanks for the advice there. I have my CAFCASS meeting date it’s the 21st of this month so some good preparation for this is most definitely needed, any advice here would be greatly appreciated. It’s odd because I know she’ll be very nervous and not looking forward to it, I on the other hand am nervous but strangely excited too.

I’m pretty sure she’ll spend most of her’s throwing mud in my direction. How does someone who’s said all this to stop me seeing my kids not keep saying it to CAFCASS. I see it like this, the whole time your saying this to stop that person seeing the children, when it comes to the interview your now neck deep in this hole. You have two choices you keep throwing all these accusations to try and prevent the person from having access. If you don’t and back off so you don’t look like your just slagging the other parent off you run the risk of letting them have what you don’t want and they get granted access. I sort of hope she’s set herself up here on a tight rope that whichever way you slip may result in going against you.

I on the other hand haven’t slagged her off or made accusations, I’ve kept to all meetings done everything I’m ask to do and continue to push for access and to make sure the children’s welfare is the most important thing here.

All the accusations and allegations do frustrate me because there’s no need for it and even worse using the children to achieve what you want is horrific behaviour to say the least.

 

[proud_dad]

Hi all, thanks for the advice there. I have my CAFCASS meeting date it’s the 21st of this month so some good preparation for this is most definitely needed, any advice here would be greatly appreciated. It’s odd because I know she’ll be very nervous and not looking forward to it, I on the other hand am nervous but strangely excited too.

I’m pretty sure she’ll spend most of her’s throwing mud in my direction. How does someone who’s said all this to stop me seeing my kids not keep saying it to CAFCASS. I see it like this, the whole time your saying this to stop that person seeing the children, when it comes to the interview your now neck deep in this hole. You have two choices you keep throwing all these accusations to try and prevent the person from having access. If you don’t and back off so you don’t look like your just slagging the other parent off you run the risk of letting them have what you don’t want and they get granted access. I sort of hope she’s set herself up here on a tight rope that whichever way you slip may result in going against you.

I on the other hand haven’t slagged her off or made accusations, I’ve kept to all meetings done everything I’m ask to do and continue to push for access and to make sure the children’s welfare is the most important thing here.

All the accusations and allegations do frustrate me because there’s no need for it and even worse using the children to achieve what you want is horrific behaviour to say the least.

Hi RJ25 - see this thread for CAFCASS advice:

CAFCASS Experiences

Hi all! I'm sure we've all had dealings with CAFCASS, whether initially with the court application or even more if a section 7 is required. These interviews undoubtedly cause stress, nobody likes being interviewed and it can feel like an interrogation sometimes and the worry of not knowing...

dadswithkids.co.uk

 

[Ash]

Sorry for delay in replying. As mentioned on the other thread - it's more to share experiences of Cafcass dealing - you haven't had any yet so I'll reply on your thread about preparing.

First thing I do is prepare a bit by jotting down notes - things I think are important to say possibly, things I want to remember to say - even some exact wording sometimes (kind of rehearsing a bit so I don't mumble not finding the right words). I then condense that a bit into a kind of list with pointers and notes at the bottom. So I can have it in front of me - visually check off main things on the list (maybe 6 or 7) and look further down for my more detailed notes referring to each point in case I dry up. Found I didn't need it that much because once I'd done that things were more clear in my head anyway.

What tends to happen is - Cafcass speak to the Mother before you - so they've heard all her tripe before even speaking to you. They vary - I had one great one on the phone and one who was very abrupt. They tend to start talking and they may ask you what the situation is (your notes help here so you can keep it child focused and impress them). Or they may launch into something like - your ex says you're an abuser - what do you say? Or mention specific things that ex has said that you weren't prepared for. When that kind of thing happens it's ok to take a second or two to group your thoughts, but the main principle is - don't retaliate. So if Cafcass Officer says - your ex says you threw your daughter off a building when you were angry. Don't immediately react with - she's talking complete xxx - that never happened. Just have a kind of line prepared for outrageous lies like

"Well I think Mrs Ex is upset that I didn't want to reconcile after we separated, but that certainly didn't happen".

Then try and change the subject onto something about the kids - how they liked doing xyz with you, how you're worried about how they're feeling because you haven't seen them and it must be stressful for them. And if you get stuck for words - repeat the mantra

"I just want my children to have happy loving relationships with both parents and both families".

Because the most important thing throughout is don't say anything negative about the ex whatsoever. Whatever they say. What Cafcass are basically doing is deciding if you are an ok parent. In their eyes an ok parent is positive about contact/time with both parents. A parent who slags off the other parent is a bad parent. Now if a Mother does it they kind of see that as normal or make allowances for her being female and a Mother. But if a Father does it you can be labelled as "potentially hostile or dangerous" - so don't do it. Ridiculously unfair and biased but if a Mother is claiming concern for the kids they have to be careful. You could even say something good about her which could help (even though galling). Like - well she's a good cook and does xyz with the kids for activities - I have no problems with her practical, day to day care. But I am concerned about the childrens emotional wellbeing at the moment.

You can extend the mantra a bit and say - the kids used to see my parents - their grandparents, and aunties and uncles on a regular basis and in the past few months are now much further away from all family members on my side and no contact at all with them.

 

[RJ25]

Thank you for replying Ash, I’ll make some notes for sure as I do often struggle to get the right words out or remember things I wanted to say.

I don’t see how it’s at all fair that a mother can slag the father off all the way and be seen as a good mother, yet a dad can’t saying anything negative or he’ll be seen to be a bad dad it’s so unfair.

I know CAFCASS will talk to my children hope they see what’s what when they do. Though SW said my child gave a very similar statement to her as the police. Umm well yes of course it will be similar if it’s coached.. I feel like I’m the only person involved here that actually has their eyes open.

I think the main point here is that it’s slowly being taken out of her control, she’s loosing control over who the children talk to and when because she can’t be present when CAFCASS speak to them. I know for a fact she has sat there and mouthed things to one of my children as she did it in front of a family member. This loss of control I hope will lead to her getting more brash and do something silly to try and keep it and in turn expose herself for what she is.

I keep thinking stay calm stay child focused.