How to cope with serious false allegations?

[Ash]

In some ways it doesn't actually matter what the children say to Cafcass. A good Cafcass officer will ask the right questions and ascertain that child has been coached. If it's a ropey Cafcass officer and they just take what child says, then you argue against that at final hearing, as there's plenty of case law to say that it is only the child's "ascertainable wishes" that count not their "expressed wishes". Also the child's wishes are only one twelfth of the welfare checklist.

Absolutely yes, it is slowly being taken out of her control.

 

[RJ25]

Fingers crossed for a good officer then. The courts apparently will likely request mediation would you agree to that or just say no and move in to the court process?

 

[Ash]

You’ll just need to see how it goes. They may or may not suggest mediation. If they do it’ll be ordered rather than voluntary exactly! But if ordered you only really need to go to one session and say - not going to work. Or you could try it.

Normally in these circumstances they would order a section 7 report and supervised contact meanwhile. If everything ok after the section 7 then Cafcass recommend what time to the Judge - eg every other weekend and a midweek overnight and half the holidays - if there are no issues.

But in your case I don’t know how it would work when social services are already involved. They may ask social services to do a section 7.

 

[RJ25]

I hope they order a section 7 as it’s been a long time now since the kids or her have given any information to an authority. It will be interesting to see what they say in comparison to what they did say. She now has to remember what she said and what she got the kids to say and make it all match.

 

[RJ25]

Hi all, I have my cafcass interview on Thursday. I want to raise my concerns on what’s going on but not look like I’m being aggressive or slagging her of. I was thinking something like this.

As a family we have never had any involvement of outside agencies nor has there been a safeguarding issue ever raised by schools or any other professional such as GP.

I am concerned though for the children’s well-being due to the fact that since I ended the relationship with mrs ex there has been a continuing flow of spurious allegations that have escalated in seriousness over time. I’m also concerned the affect it’s having on them regarding their mother refusing contact with myself or their extended paternal family.

Any help on how this can be better worded would be great also anything else I might be ok to say while not having a negative impact on how cafcass view me.

Thanks all RJ

 

[Ash]

That sounds good to me. It depends how they lead the conversation as well. I think your manner and tone of voice is important to think about to. I’m sure you’d be calm and pleasant anyway and sound concerned. There is also nothing wrong with saying you miss your children and you’re sure they miss you.

Some people let all their anger and frustration out at Cafcass - don’t do that!

So to add to your notes - try and think about things specific to the kids you can bring into the conversation. What are each of them good at? What were their favourite hobbies? What were things you liked doing together with one or all particular child - common interests etc.

Jotting down things like that could help you have something else to say and maybe guide the conversation that way. Like Joe and I used to swim every Sunday and I wonder if he is keeping up with his swimming lessons (or whatever). Jane always wanted me to sing x song on the way to school - I took all the kids to school daily (I’m floundering here with things fo suggest but you get the picture).

Things I said in my first call were - that son was very cheeky snd had a real sense of humour- a very determined little character (that was during a relaxed bit). What came across was that I knew my son very well and he was clearly happy enough with me to be cheeky and jokey).

Different situation as I hadn’t just separated.

I also think there‘a nothing wrong with saying something like - I do hope you can help get this all sorted out. I just want my children to have happy loving relationships with both parents and see their grandparents and other relatives.

 

[Ash]

Keep strong and good luck. Let us know how it goes.

 

[RJ25]

Thank you Ash for the advice. I’ll add those to my notes. I appreciate all the input from everyone here it’s a good confidence boost and reassuring that things can and will be ok.

I’ll definitely let you all know how it goes.

 

[Ash]

Just remember that all Cafcass are really interested in is if you are a good parent who loves his kids. Rather than a parent who hates his ex and slags her off. They see a good parent as one who promotes the other parent as important (although sadly they let Mothers off the hook on this aspect). They will clearly have heard about the allegations before they speak to you and if they know social services are involved it might be quite a short call - as in they may just say - need to pass this on/speak to social services. But any opportunity you get to say all the right things, must surely help as it'll go in the report. I don't think they're going to say "is it true you abused your child?". They may say - Mrs Ex says you have abused the children. Which leaves it open for you to say that obviously you cateegorically deny this and it's your feeling that Mrs Ex is extremely angry with you for not wishing to reconcile the marriage. you could also say that all contact with your children has been prevented since x month. That social services have said they are not stopping you, but the Mother won't agree.

What this says is - social services clearly don't believe the allegations.

Plenty of people have been through this - and come out the other side with a good order. One day at a time - it can be a slow process but you'll get there. When is the hearing date again?

 

[RJ25]

Hopefully they’ll listen to me for a bit. If I need to how would you suggest wording it if I say about her allegations and the fact she now has the children making allegations.

How do you think would be best to word it and without sounding like I slagging her off?

The first hearing is the 28th so only a few days now.

 

[Ash]

I wouldn’t mention them unless the Cafcass officer does. I’d keep it to the topic of how you haven’t seen or spoken to your children since March (or whatever). And social services have said they aren’t going to stop you seeing the children but the Mother won’t agree.

So what comes across is - social services think there are no issues with you.

If Cafcass do bring up the allegations then you could say that obviously you deny them but what upsets you most is it has progressed to the children being encouraged to make allegations too and you are concerned that this is harmful to them.

 

[RJ25]

That’s a very good point. For what might actually be the most important meeting of my life to date I’m not actually that nervous.

I shall do this with my head held high filled with pride and the knowledge I’m blessed to have three wonderful children. Knowing that I will fight this with honour and integrity not lies and deceit like she is.

I shall update with how it goes, but for now thank you all for all the words of wisdom and kindness. Let’s do this and do it well.

 

[proud_dad]

As Ash has said, stay child focussed. If they detect anything remotely negative towards your ex, they may see the situation between the both of you as hostile and defer to their default position of ordering a finding of facts which can prolong the court process. It is difficult to accept this, but it is a process that has hurdles placed everywhere that you need to jump over.

Good luck.

 

[RJ25]

Thank you proud Dad

 

[RJ25]

Ok so update is basically CAFCASS will recommend no interim order or contact, officer did say if the allegations are true then it’s bad but on the flip side if they’re false and ex has coached the kids and lied that’s just as bad. So no access allowed right now this is due to the seriousness of the allegations ex has made. Until the police decide what they’re doing she thinks they’ll be no change or access to the children allowed. Ex did however lie about my mental health which I can easily disprove maybe a positive I don’t know. Frustrating and upsetting is probably an understatement right now, I just want to see my kids

 

[Ash]

Ok so update is basically CAFCASS will recommend no interim order or contact, officer did say if the allegations are true then it’s bad but on the flip side if they’re false and ex has coached the kids and lied that’s just as bad. So no access allowed right now this is due to the seriousness of the allegations ex has made. Until the police decide what they’re doing she thinks they’ll be no change or access to the children allowed. Ex did however lie about my mental health which I can easily disprove maybe a positive I don’t know. Frustrating and upsetting is probably an understatement right now, I just want to see my kids

I’m sorry to hear that. However that is what they will be recommending in their report but you haven’t had the first hearing yet. At first hearing you could ask for supervised contact.

Have you been in contact with the Police at all?

 

[Ash]

I think your ex has schemed all this. Once she knew you had applied to court she got the police involved. I am surprised the Police haven’t even spoken to or visited you yet. Which suggests to me they are doubtful about the allegations. The danger is it being sat on - because you’re not actually seeing the kids then it will be considered you’re not a risk to them and people could sit on it.

I will have a think about what you could be asking for at first hearing. Meanwhile I think you need to contact the Police and say you have an application in with the family courts because the allegations are untrue. And you request they keep you informed of all their findings. That there is an interim hearing on x date at which time you will be asking for supervised time with your children and you respectfully ask that matters are expedited if at all possible, with their investigations. As supervised time is unlikely to be given until their investigations are complete. And you are, of course, happy to be interviewed or discuss anything with them.

So I think you need to get a contact name at the Police and email them. Maybe phone the sea station and ask who the officer in charge of the case is, and ask for a contact email address for them.

 

[RJ25]

That’s true Ash, I understand that it’s only the opening scene as it were. The CAFCASS officer was very nice actually and she did bring up the subject of if mum is lying and getting the children to lie then that’s not something that is acceptable.

As of yet I’ve had no contact from the police from what I can gather it has to have been at least three weeks since my child gave them a statement.

All I can do is take it on the chin and keep moving forward. The officer said she’ll obviously speak to my mental health worker obviously I said that’s fine I have no issues with that.

 

[Ash]

Glad to hear the Cafcass officer was quite nice and actually recognised that Mum might be lying. And yes it is very serious. Because by rights residency should be given to you if she’s made such horrific allegations. In reality they are not going to stop her seeing the children probably - even if it’s ascertained it’s not true. They may do a 50/50 order. What your ex is playing on is the courts being very cautious because there are abusive Dads out there.

I am just wondering - how do you know your child made a statement to the Police? As in who told you? Was it social services passing on what ex had told them? I am wondering if it has actually happened or just your ex saying it has happened. Because my ex had come out with all kinds of blatant lies and fantastical fabrications at times.

Invented medical conditions for my son (his GP confirmed he didn’t have them). Argued with therapists when they said there was nothing wrong with him. The best one was when she dragged my son along to a psychiatrist saying he had mental health issues. Psychiatrist said he was fine and sent ex on a parenting course. Lol! Not funny of course because son was really upset at the time when she told him he had mental health problems.

That’s what dealing with a narcissistic ex is like - quite scary really.

 

[RJ25]

I’d love a change of residence but doubt I’d get that ever. SS know they spoke to the police and apparently my child gave a similar account to the social worker.

The system is completely flawed, it’s already become obvious that she’s lying about things as she lied to CAFCASS straight away and that’s going to be very easy to prove.

Now just have to wait and see what happens when they do the section 7 report. That will be done by SS. Not sure that’s a good thing because they’ve already seemingly take her side anyway.