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Advice What can I do???
- Thread starter DB2021
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I’m sorry to hear that.
Biggest plus I have for my case is my daughter was coming happily for weeks and weeks was excited about plans etc then a week before the order was to change to unsupervised miraculously she no longer wants to and her behaviour towards me completely changes not rocket science to work out who’s behind it yet the so called professionals are always with the mam and it’s always the dad being unreasonable yet all we’re doing is fighting for our kids makes my blood boil but it certainly doesn’t deter me.
It's perfectly possible.....only 49 days after a Final Court Order a new C100 & C1A was submitted....and accepted. This isn't hearsay, it's my own story.
SS.
I have seen papers for a case where C100 went in 11 days after final order.
So another update.
Social worker called me to tell me she has been to see my daughter at school and has said that when she put 3 cards in front of her with happy sad or angry and asked her if I was to pick her up how would she feel she picked angry.
Also said that she’s saying she misses her mam and her little brother and also that I should look at getting my sister back with her kids as my daughter has said that’s what she wants. She believes my daughter is worried about her mam leaving her because of her losing her gran.
I asked her out right why she doesn’t think my ex is playing a part in this and she said because I believe her she’s telling me she’s doing everything she can.
And also said if you take it back to court my report will be saying the above so I’m definitely fighting against everything now.
I don’t know how fathers cope with all this because it’s tearing me apart.
Social worker called me to tell me she has been to see my daughter at school and has said that when she put 3 cards in front of her with happy sad or angry and asked her if I was to pick her up how would she feel she picked angry.
Also said that she’s saying she misses her mam and her little brother and also that I should look at getting my sister back with her kids as my daughter has said that’s what she wants. She believes my daughter is worried about her mam leaving her because of her losing her gran.
I asked her out right why she doesn’t think my ex is playing a part in this and she said because I believe her she’s telling me she’s doing everything she can.
And also said if you take it back to court my report will be saying the above so I’m definitely fighting against everything now.
I don’t know how fathers cope with all this because it’s tearing me apart.
Yes going back to having my sister there with her kids but it’s not something I can afford anymore it’s a 45mile round trip twice each day and also that’s taking a step back and I don’t feel like that’s the best way as my daughter stopped wanting to come whilst my sister and her kids were still coming.
Tbh I know there’s court but I don’t even feel like that’s the best option now either as I don’t want to put my daughter through anymore involvement with social services and I know it will only make my ex worse than she already is.
Part of me feels like the best option is to just keep turning up and continue doing the little gifts I take her each time and let her see herself in time that the narrative isn’t real.
Tbh I know there’s court but I don’t even feel like that’s the best option now either as I don’t want to put my daughter through anymore involvement with social services and I know it will only make my ex worse than she already is.
Part of me feels like the best option is to just keep turning up and continue doing the little gifts I take her each time and let her see herself in time that the narrative isn’t real.
I think that the social services update to you is terrible. Accepting a child is angry isn’t any form of resolution. They need to look into why child is reported as being angry.
I would give yourself a time line , maybe another few weeks of trying to get her to come with you for “ contact” then back to court.
Surely a judge will look at why contact isn’t happening maybe order child psychologist etc
I would give yourself a time line , maybe another few weeks of trying to get her to come with you for “ contact” then back to court.
Surely a judge will look at why contact isn’t happening maybe order child psychologist etc
You are in such a difficult situation, I can totally understand you feeling that court might only make things worse.
How is the social worker who went to the school involved? Are you sure she would be the person that makes reports to the court?
To be honest, I believe you should have a plan in addition to continuing to turn up. I'm not sure what that could be aside from an application to the court. If the Social worker is so convinced mum is doing everything possible to assist, perhaps she could offer some assistance by coming along for one of the times you are due to see your daughter. That might let her know what is really going on. I know a guy who didn't see his kids for 9 months. First time he saw them again was with a social worker, that turned his case around completely.
You have to do what you think is best. I hope you can come to see a way of moving things on.
How is the social worker who went to the school involved? Are you sure she would be the person that makes reports to the court?
To be honest, I believe you should have a plan in addition to continuing to turn up. I'm not sure what that could be aside from an application to the court. If the Social worker is so convinced mum is doing everything possible to assist, perhaps she could offer some assistance by coming along for one of the times you are due to see your daughter. That might let her know what is really going on. I know a guy who didn't see his kids for 9 months. First time he saw them again was with a social worker, that turned his case around completely.
You have to do what you think is best. I hope you can come to see a way of moving things on.
That’s what I thought would happen but by the way the social worker was today I don’t think she is remotely interested she’s due to close the case in about 7 weeks so it feels like she doesn’t want to open anything up as this may delay things for her closing the case which to me speaks volumes.
The anger my daughter has towards me has come from nowhere yet people just don’t see that as a concern it’s all about her mam and the grief there all going through which I’ve always understood but why am I the one being punished for that because that’s how it feels.
And that’s what I don’t really want for my daughter even though there’s something going on for her I don’t want her to have to go though assessments etc I just want her to be happy.
But your right I really do need to decide what I’m going to do because at the minute I don’t see any way forward but all I want is what’s best for my little girl.
The social worker has been involved since the start she did the section 7 because I’ve had mental health issues in the past, and she stayed involved for 6 months when court order was made to help embed it which for the first 3 months was perfect but like I’ve previously said a week or so before my contact was to become unsupervised my daughter completely changed towards me and since then the social worker has done very little apart from tell me I need to be mindful of the huge loss they’ve had.
We have a meeting next week so I think I will mention about the social worker being there one time.
But sadly the way my daughter spoke of me at school with her I don’t see where to go from here. She has no reason to be angry at me but she is for whatever reason.
I’ll keep doing what I’m doing because even at the very worst I will turn up every time for the next 10 years if I have to even if she doesn’t come to spend time with me.
So you need to do the right thing for your girl and the right thing for you by standing up for what should be right.
It's evident across the media and by my own experiences that social care is broken. This means the 'professionals' follow (even more so) a gender biased approach allied to the path of least resistence. It's very, very sad and it also means Dads have to work at these situations even harder.
Pleaee do not give in.
SS.
It's evident across the media and by my own experiences that social care is broken. This means the 'professionals' follow (even more so) a gender biased approach allied to the path of least resistence. It's very, very sad and it also means Dads have to work at these situations even harder.
Pleaee do not give in.
SS.
I can see you felt you needed to try and work with the social worker, but I don't quite understand why you didn't just submit the C79. It's fairly obvious that as soon as it got to the time being unsupervised in the order, your ex just discouraged your daughter from coming and you heard her doing that. So what does this social worker suggest? Giving it time. It is not normal for a child to refuse to see a parent unless the other parent is aiding and abetting this. PA sites are clear about that. Your daughter has been incited into this or made to feel she has to do what her Mother wants or says.
You have a court order that says unspervised time after three months - is that correct? And that didn't happen but things were perfectly ok until it got to the point of unsupervised time. I honestly think court is the only way to deal with this. The more negativity you hear from the social worker, the worse you will feel.
I know the fact your ex has lost her Mother recently adds another dimension to things and you don't want to come across as unsympathetic to that - but I think a barrister would say - well all the more reason for the Mother to have a break from parenting and the child to have a break from the Mother's grief and feel supported by her Father at this time.
There are no welfare issues with you - that is why you have an order. The tricky bit is, if your ex is alienating, she will have the sympathy factor over her bereavement. But it's possible the court process could resolve it as it's an opportunity for people to persuade your ex that it could give her a break. Bereavement can go on for a year and your child is growing up and this needs sorting.
You have a court order that says unspervised time after three months - is that correct? And that didn't happen but things were perfectly ok until it got to the point of unsupervised time. I honestly think court is the only way to deal with this. The more negativity you hear from the social worker, the worse you will feel.
I know the fact your ex has lost her Mother recently adds another dimension to things and you don't want to come across as unsympathetic to that - but I think a barrister would say - well all the more reason for the Mother to have a break from parenting and the child to have a break from the Mother's grief and feel supported by her Father at this time.
There are no welfare issues with you - that is why you have an order. The tricky bit is, if your ex is alienating, she will have the sympathy factor over her bereavement. But it's possible the court process could resolve it as it's an opportunity for people to persuade your ex that it could give her a break. Bereavement can go on for a year and your child is growing up and this needs sorting.
My mum died when my child was the same age. One of my aunties sent a lovely bunch of flowers to us both. At only 63 months old my child recognised the significance and spent the morning making a beautiful arrangement out of them. Doing this obviously meant lots to the child, even at such a young age. Mother used the death as a way of driving a wedge between the two sides of the family. No allowance made for child's grief as the deceased was not a part of their family, only a part of my family.
Going to a memorial room at a cemetery near the school, lighting a candle, marking the loss and allowing time for reflection in an age-appropriate way really helped.
There is a chance your ex is dressing the bereavement(s) up as separate from you, and something you do not care about.
I wonder if some way of paying tribute to the departed and/or marking your daughter's loss would help her to see you are there for her through this time. Letting your actions be in quiet conflict with mother's narrative can be a winner, if handled with the utmost sensitivity.
Just a thought. Only worth anything if it feels right to you.
P.s. maybe even some flowers or a card for mother and daughter.
Going to a memorial room at a cemetery near the school, lighting a candle, marking the loss and allowing time for reflection in an age-appropriate way really helped.
There is a chance your ex is dressing the bereavement(s) up as separate from you, and something you do not care about.
I wonder if some way of paying tribute to the departed and/or marking your daughter's loss would help her to see you are there for her through this time. Letting your actions be in quiet conflict with mother's narrative can be a winner, if handled with the utmost sensitivity.
Just a thought. Only worth anything if it feels right to you.
P.s. maybe even some flowers or a card for mother and daughter.
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Not sure it was angry at dad, I think it was if dad collected her from school. It is natural to be wary of change when you are experiencing bereavement for the first time.
Seems like a very bias way of assessing a five year old, even assessments for teens are more subtle than that.
Ultimately, a court should not give much weight to the wishes and feeling of a child under 8. They do not get close to being a primary concern until the child is 12 or 13.
I'd be inclined to hope another worker from Cafcass would be allocated to the case it is goes back to court.
It sounds like a leading question in a way. Which is inappropriate if a child is being fed hate about Dad. Resolute has a point. Is it a Cafcass officer or a social worker from SS? Either way they are biased towards - child is fine with Mum. They are also not family court lawyers who understand more of the nuanced aspects of separated parenting.
No peanut is correct she said she would be angry if I came to pick her up at all and she said the same when the social worker said well what if I come and get you and take you to daddy’s house she gave the same response.
I understand your view Ash completely tbh I’m just beaten down with it all now I’m not the strongest person as it is and all this is just destroying me.
The social worker is from the local authority not Cafcass.
The Jiffy bags resolute mentioned I think have been a good thing as I’ve heard her talking and happy with what’s in them I did hear her mum reading what I wrote in the card today to which is a first. It’s just when she hears my voice or sees me she just screams and has so much anger and hostility in her face and voice it’s heartbreaking.
I was thinking of writing in the next card I make something along the lines of “ I know your hurting darling but don’t forget daddy is here for you always”
I think at this meeting next week I’m going to say I think more needs to be done to find out where all this is coming from as I don’t believe that 1 session at school is anywhere near enough to get a 5 year old to open up and then if I get stonewalled again then I should really look at court again even though I really don’t want to go down that route mainly because I just don’t want to put my little girl through anymore.
I understand your view Ash completely tbh I’m just beaten down with it all now I’m not the strongest person as it is and all this is just destroying me.
The social worker is from the local authority not Cafcass.
The Jiffy bags resolute mentioned I think have been a good thing as I’ve heard her talking and happy with what’s in them I did hear her mum reading what I wrote in the card today to which is a first. It’s just when she hears my voice or sees me she just screams and has so much anger and hostility in her face and voice it’s heartbreaking.
I was thinking of writing in the next card I make something along the lines of “ I know your hurting darling but don’t forget daddy is here for you always”
I think at this meeting next week I’m going to say I think more needs to be done to find out where all this is coming from as I don’t believe that 1 session at school is anywhere near enough to get a 5 year old to open up and then if I get stonewalled again then I should really look at court again even though I really don’t want to go down that route mainly because I just don’t want to put my little girl through anymore.
This is not normal at all. I would suggest putting something in writing to the social worker, then follow up with it when you speak to them. If things are in writing they can't fob you off so much - and it's always evidence. I remember a Dad who was a social worker advising to always put something in writing if you have concerns and if they get more than five things they have to act on it. (This is just from memory, not necessarily 100% correct and relates more to when you're reporting concerns). But it's always good to politely put a concern in writing with reasons.
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