1 night stand pregnancy

[Bigredmachine]

Hi everyone.

I foolishly had a 1 night stand 8 weeks ago, she is now pregnant and keeping the baby. She is 100% sure the baby is mine. I do not want the baby.

i do not want a relationship with this woman. Ever. It was a drunk mistake.

she has told me I can remain anonymous and not be involved at all with the baby and no one will need to know ( I’m sure people would work it out though) and she won’t expect any help mentally or financially from me ever as she has worked out budget etc from being a single parent.

I am so torn here, it’s a big thing to keep secret for the rest of your life, morally it’s wrong I know but having the baby would financially cripple me and ruin the lives of my close family.

any advice would be helpful here and please don’t hold back on saying what you think of me

 

[Ash]

Hi. I had something similar. And felt exactly the same as you initially. My friends said - embrace being a Dad. Which I did. And was involved from birth. And yes I think she did it to get child support from gov. Difference was she needed my support as had no family. My son actually has a lot of my genetics visibly. I hadn’t had any other children though so once he came along I was smitten and had adjusted to knowing I had a child.

So I think you’re in shock, understandably. How do you think she’d react if you said you want to be a fully involved Dad and share the care equally? No child support to pay then either.

What’s the thing that scares you the most at the moment? The stories about CMS payments and so on?

You could walk away, not be on the birth certificate (so she can’t claim CMS) but then it’s thinking about how you’d feel knowing you had a child out there.

I personally think you should get some counselling- it will help with the decisions, worries and feelings.

Although you wouldn’t want a relationship with this woman, how is she as a person? Reasonable?

Her attitude could also help with decisions. If she sees the baby as “hers” and doesn’t want to share care or have you involved then it sounds like she would be difficult. I know she said that but was that because you were horrified or because it’s what she wanted.

If you think about it - if she didn’t want you involved she didn’t have to tell you. So that shows some decency that she actually told you.

Are you single? If you’re with another partner or married I can see it would be a bigger dilemma.

It’s only 8 weeks. Anything could happen. But let’s just assume all goes fine with the pregnancy.

You don’t have to have a relationship with her or live with her - you can co parent. That basically just means civil communication now and then about arrangements and agreeing parenting things. Again that depends on the kind of person she is.

There is a huge amount to think about which is why I think you really need to talk to a counsellor. The child may also grow up nearby and have an idea who their Dad is or wonder about it (or even get teased about it). Or you may see then out and about and have this ongoing burden you say you’re already thinking about - about the secret.

It doesn’t have to be a secret exactly. But I don’t know where you live or if it’s a small community.

Maybe try and separate out the fears.

Is it the fear of finances and having to pay CMS for years. Or is it the idea of having a child you hadn’t planned for with someone you don’t really know?

All I know is - there is no way I would have wanted a relationship with my ex. But - initially we developed a common interests as parents - a kind of friendship (although she did expect me to pay for things).

I decided to just keep things amicable, help her out with lifts and other support and be involved. I had my son two nights a week from him being a few months old.

You might not know how you feel till later. But do talk to someone who can help you work through this. Yes it’s life changing but doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Your GP can refer for free counselling- but there’s usually a long waiting list. Two or three sessions with a private or online one might not cost too much.

And keep coming on here and talking to us!

Don’t rush any decisions just now.

 

[Ash]

When you say it would ruin the lives of your family - are you married with kids? That adds another dimension to things.

Ultimately, at some point, you’re going to need to have a discussion with the Mother and agree how things will be. You’re both responsible in a way. Even if you decided to have no involvement you’d need to agree what the child would be told as they grow up.

 

[Bigredmachine]

Hi. I had something similar. And felt exactly the same as you initially. My friends said - embrace being a Dad. Which I did. And was involved from birth. And yes I think she did it to get child support from gov. Difference was she needed my support as had no family. My son actually has a lot of my genetics visibly. I hadn’t had any other children though so once he came along I was smitten and had adjusted to knowing I had a child.

So I think you’re in shock, understandably. How do you think she’d react if you said you want to be a fully involved Dad and share the care equally? No child support to pay then either.

What’s the thing that scares you the most at the moment? The stories about CMS payments and so on?

You could walk away, not be on the birth certificate (so she can’t claim CMS) but then it’s thinking about how you’d feel knowing you had a child out there.

I personally think you should get some counselling- it will help with the decisions, worries and feelings.

Although you wouldn’t want a relationship with this woman, how is she as a person? Reasonable?

Her attitude could also help with decisions. If she sees the baby as “hers” and doesn’t want to share care or have you involved then it sounds like she would be difficult. I know she said that but was that because you were horrified or because it’s what she wanted.

If you think about it - if she didn’t want you involved she didn’t have to tell you. So that shows some decency that she actually told you.

Are you single? If you’re with another partner or married I can see it would be a bigger dilemma.

It’s only 8 weeks. Anything could happen. But let’s just assume all goes fine with the pregnancy.

You don’t have to have a relationship with her or live with her - you can co parent. That basically just means civil communication now and then about arrangements and agreeing parenting things. Again that depends on the kind of person she is.

There is a huge amount to think about which is why I think you really need to talk to a counsellor. The child may also grow up nearby and have an idea who their Dad is or wonder about it (or even get teased about it). Or you may see then out and about and have this ongoing burden you say you’re already thinking about - about the secret.

It doesn’t have to be a secret exactly. But I don’t know where you live or if it’s a small community.

Maybe try and separate out the fears.

Is it the fear of finances and having to pay CMS for years. Or is it the idea of having a child you hadn’t planned for with someone you don’t really know?

All I know is - there is no way I would have wanted a relationship with my ex. But - initially we developed a common interests as parents - a kind of friendship (although she did expect me to pay for things).

I decided to just keep things amicable, help her out with lifts and other support and be involved. I had my son two nights a week from him being a few months old.

You might not know how you feel till later. But do talk to someone who can help you work through this. Yes it’s life changing but doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Your GP can refer for free counselling- but there’s usually a long waiting list. Two or three sessions with a private or online one might not cost too much.

And keep coming on here and talking to us!

Don’t rush any decisions just now.

Thanks for your reply.

not married no or in a relationship, at home at the minute with my mum and little brother, helping her with him, has some special needs and helping her financially. TBH he is my priority in life. If he needs taking anywhere etc I’m the one. I’m more like A father. He’s my world. I can’t give 50/50 co parenting.

the money does worry me a bit but worked out I could get through just about depending on cost of living.

Even though she says it would be a secret her mum knows it’s me, plus everyone else would work it out. We have a small town. As you say it will be on my mind for life.

i did call a helpline yesterday but didn’t really help, I felt judged. I know it’s my fault but still.
I grew up without knowing my father, you would think that would influence me but tbh it’s never bothered me, I loved being with my mum and not being away from her and split between 2.

 

[Bigredmachine]

When you say it would ruin the lives of your family - are you married with kids? That adds another dimension to things.

Ultimately, at some point, you’re going to need to have a discussion with the Mother and agree how things will be. You’re both responsible in a way. Even if you decided to have no involvement you’d need to agree what the child would be told as they grow up.

No, see my reply above.

I tried having a convo about how things will be but she said she hasn’t even thought about that yet, which is worrying.

I told her at a push it would be every other weekend and maybe 1 night in week.

 

[Bigredmachine]

Another worry I have is if I did take the option of walking away could I be landed with a huge back payment bill of maintenance if she changed her mind x years down the road?

 

[Ash]

Ok. So if you're not on the birth certificate, it means you have no legal rights or say in the child's welfare - as no PR. It doesn't mean however, that she couldn't pursue you for Child Maintenance in the future, if she decided to. If she says you're the Father. If you deny it they could say you have to take a dna test. If you refuse to take a dna test they can still bill you (according to Mumsnet! Where a member did just that).

So it's all very uncertain. She might say she doesn't want any cms and then change her mind in the future. So depends what kind of person she is and how independent she is.

With that in mind, would you still want to be on the birth certificate? If for example, the Mother dropped dead when the child was three, you're the other parent. With PR (ie being on the birth certificate) your child would then live with you - unless you agreed for the the child to, say, live with grandparents.

It's a huge pressure having to decide all these things now at this early stage without making things harder later. I would maybe say to the Mother, that you need to have a bit of time to process it all as it's a bit of a shock and you're not quite sure what to think or feel right now, and suggest you have a chat again soon. Thing is meantime she might be thinking too.

In other words don't be pressurised into deciding all this right now. All I know is, once they come along you have this bond and they're yours and they give something back.

I can see from your situation you've seen things a different way, growing up without a Dad. And your brother is an important part of your life. You can do both perhaps though. They might be good for each other. Your child and brother.

So it sounds like the Mother is happy for you to see the child regularly with you mentioning every other weeke-end and a midweek night. That is what a court would order as a standard schedule (plus half the school holidays).

Has your Mum got a view on this? Our parents sometimes have views of their own that aren't always what's right for us - based on their own experiences - but they usually accept our decisions IME. Your Mum would be the child's Grandma. Gets some getting your head round

Thinking about schedules ongoing is good - helps you work out how it could work.

For a baby they do better with only short times away from each parent. So that could be every 2nd or third night until about 6 months. Then a full day and night at week-ends. (ie split week-ends). Once they get to 2 they are fine with every other week-end and a midweek night but it's still better to have two midweek nights or they go a week without seeing you and can get anxious about that.

I had alternate midweek nights - Monday one week, Thursday the next. This worked well as my son was with me every 3 or 4 days. And in nursery during the day.

As an example, this would be a 50/50 schedule

Every other week-end from Friday to Monday (that's one week-end every two weeks) and two midweek nights. So one week your child would be with you two nights, the following week 2 nights plus the week-end. It's not as much as it sounds.

Children grow up with what they know. My son has never known anything different but having two homes. It's normal to him and he was very vocal at the age of 3 as to how much time he wanted in each home and didn't want to go more than 3 or 4 days away from either parent. You both become important to them.

That's looking on the positive side of things, but I know it's a huge thing to suddenly happen for you. And no it's not your fault - it happened - you were both responsible and it happened. Mothers get to say what happens with their bodies though so there's a difference over choice of what happens there.

How old is your brother?

 

[Ash]

I think the advice I had was good - bite the bullet and embrace it - you have a child coming along. Many kids aren't planned. And yes it can cause worries over the years in many ways but also joys.

A lot depends on how reasonable the Mother is. Some Mothers try and prevent you seeing kids anyway (and still want CMS). Some accept that it's good for children to grow up knowing who both parents are. The family courts accept that, after research, which is why they make court orders. It's considered that the best thing for kids is to have significant time with both parents growing up. Providing there are no safety or welfare issues or abuse or drugs etc.

Some people might have different views. Those are just mine. Some might say "run". It's a very personal individual thing. And none of us know what the future will be. Will we meet a life partner? Will someone die?

I think take it one step at a time. Tell the Mother you need to process it all but want to talk again soon.

If you google counsellors in your area then ring round them. someone might be able to fit you in for a video call eg. but at the moment it's one of two decisions really:

Either - you're going to be involved in the child's life or - you're going to walk away. In a way the CM payments are a different aspect. You can agree anything as a "family based arrangement" - eg she might say she doesn't want any money but wants you to both share costs - clothes, shoes etc.

CMS accept family based arrangements - but make sure you get it in writing. ie in a text or email, what's been agreed, and keep that formal - this is where things get tricky - there are also a lot of feelings flying around and you need to keep things courteous as well.

Mediation is usually the route for helping reach agreements but it might be a bit early for that when the baby isn't born yet.

Unless the Mother has a lot of family support though, she might struggle in the first few months, with a new baby, sleepless nights, feeding etc. That's how I had regular contact from the start. I'd "babysit" the odd night initially. Within a few weeks that was having my son stay over at my house once a week.

So to help with decisions - maybe try and think of it in different ways:

If CMS didn't come into it at all - would you want to be involved. Try and separate out the two issues.

It sounds to me, so far, like the Mother is basically saying - it's up to you - you don't have to be but you can be. But what you don't want is to upset and annoy her to the point where she feels angry and says she doesn't want you involved but goes to the CMS because she's fallen out with you!

 

[Ash]

Again just to cite my experience. My son loved both parents equally - I think he thought he had two Mums actually. When he first learned to talk he called everyone who looked after him "Mummy" - me, ex and nursery staff. Then he got a few more words and I became Daddy. They're about the first two words they learn to say properly. To him we were both people who looked after him in a special way (different from nursery staff) and he honestly didn't care where he was as long as he was with one of us. They bond with you. Which is not surprising when you have the same genes (or half of them anyway). Both those lives were very different - I had my ways, ex had hers. I put up with being bossed around a bit over which nappies to use and which bottles to get etc. So those were the same. But he felt at home in both houses with both parents. It's just what they get used to.

Loads of kids have separated parents. It's not unusual when they get to school.

I don't know the situation with your own Mum and Dad but there may have been good reason why he wasn't involved.

 

[Bigredmachine]

Again just to cite my experience. My son loved both parents equally - I think he thought he had two Mums actually. When he first learned to talk he called everyone who looked after him "Mummy" - me, ex and nursery staff. Then he got a few more words and I became Daddy. They're about the first two words they learn to say properly. To him we were both people who looked after him in a special way (different from nursery staff) and he honestly didn't care where he was as long as he was with one of us. They bond with you. Which is not surprising when you have the same genes (or half of them anyway). Both those lives were very different - I had my ways, ex had hers. I put up with being bossed around a bit over which nappies to use and which bottles to get etc. So those were the same. But he felt at home in both houses with both parents. It's just what they get used to.

Loads of kids have separated parents. It's not unusual when they get to school.

I don't know the situation with your own Mum and Dad but there may have been good reason why he wasn't involved.

Thank you for all this advice, it’s been really good to talk about it with someone in own shoes.

im going to be honest here and never thought I’d say or feel like this but if I knew 100% no one would ever find out and baby would be fine, yes I would run. Awful I know.

my brother is 17 but a young 17, he has many issues, LD and on the spectrum. I hate the idea of maybe one day having choose between helping him or a baby that was a mistake.

With child maintenance would say after 3 years say and she changed her mind and wanted me to pay, would that be back dated and I could owe thousands?

As for my mother she doesn’t know yet, it’s a tough week for her so I’m going to wait until next week after her 12 week scan to tell her. I’m hoping that would confirm I’m the father and that the baby is healthy if that makes sense.

im not sure if I should go to that or not, she said she wouldn’t want me there if I wasn’t sure, which I understand…

 

[Bigredmachine]

Anymore help would be totally appreciated, thank you

 

[tommy]

Mate. I would look at it a different way which is the one I have from hindsight.

You can understand it if you try - there's only really one question atm.

Are you going to be there for the baby / child or not.

If you can answer that at a fundamental level the rest will fall into place. If you are determined to be there for the sprog you'll get a job, sort out a schedule, maintain some form of relationship, living arrangement. Because fundamentally those things are just functions to help you achieve parenthood if thats your decision.

You may have had plans to save up and get a race bike or date Sarah from behind the bar or go travelling or College and what shook me was the realisation that all those plans were in doubt now, the landscape of my world was shifting and it was scary. At the end of the day its up to you but if you're in then you'll find a way to sort things out. Bear in mind she has one hundred more things going through her mind / her world than you can imagine.

And the forget me move on get out of jail free card maybe isn't as sweet as it sounds when you're watching someone from town bringing up your kid across the park.

If you're not sure, at this stage, thats fine too. This news would cause emotional mess in most people. But you need to make a decision. And time is ticking with a scan approaching. Because if you want to be involved, better to be involved from the beginning.

From experience I would say that people who did take on the responsibility of parenthood still sit around thinking wtaf this is so difficult.
It has not been easy.

 

[Ash]

I'd go to the scan. There are many months to go and a lot to happen. Going to the scan might help you know what to do next as well. So you could tell her you want to go to the scan with her and be a friend/support. If at some point you change your mind and want out - well she won't be happy but that's the way it is.

 

[Bigredmachine]

I'd go to the scan. There are many months to go and a lot to happen. Going to the scan might help you know what to do next as well. So you could tell her you want to go to the scan with her and be a friend/support. If at some point you change your mind and want out - well she won't be happy but that's the way it is.

I did mention the scan and she said because I didn’t know what I wanted to do she would rather I didn’t. It is next Tuesday.

should I wait until after then? The scan could say all is not well or dates don’t match up and it’s not my kid? So wouldn’t have to tell my mum now and put her through even more emotion than she is going through?

or do I tell her now and get at least some weight off my shoulders and some advice off the person that knows me best?

 

[Bigredmachine]

Mate. I would look at it a different way which is the one I have from hindsight.

You can understand it if you try - there's only really one question atm.

Are you going to be there for the baby / child or not.

If you can answer that at a fundamental level the rest will fall into place. If you are determined to be there for the sprog you'll get a job, sort out a schedule, maintain some form of relationship, living arrangement. Because fundamentally those things are just functions to help you achieve parenthood if thats your decision.

You may have had plans to save up and get a race bike or date Sarah from behind the bar or go travelling or College and what shook me was the realisation that all those plans were in doubt now, the landscape of my world was shifting and it was scary. At the end of the day its up to you but if you're in then you'll find a way to sort things out. Bear in mind she has one hundred more things going through her mind / her world than you can imagine.

And the forget me move on get out of jail free card maybe isn't as sweet as it sounds when you're watching someone from town bringing up your kid across the park.

If you're not sure, at this stage, thats fine too. This news would cause emotional mess in most people. But you need to make a decision. And time is ticking with a scan approaching. Because if you want to be involved, better to be involved from the beginning.

From experience I would say that people who did take on the responsibility of parenthood still sit around thinking wtaf this is so difficult.
It has not been easy.

I wish I could answer that, sometimes I think yes I can do it, then next minute it sounds worst idea ever.

i do know if my mother and Brother wasn’t around I’d walk away, its the thought of keeping that secret to them forever or them finding out about it down the line and breaking their hearts is what’s conflicting

 

[StayStrong]

Ok, so the thing to do is tell your Mum. She's your rock, she's always going to be there for you and any adverse initial reaction will be tamed a short while later.

You need her to know. And you are certainly not the first man in this situation!!

SS.

 

[Bigredmachine]

Ok, so the thing to do is tell your Mum. She's your rock, she's always going to be there for you and any adverse initial reaction will be tamed a short while later.

You need her to know. And you are certainly not the first man in this situation!!

SS.

Only thing is, it’s a big anniversary of a passing this weekend, along with my brothers 18th Monday
should I hold fire until after his birthday, the scan being Tuesday?

 

[StayStrong]

That's purely your shout but imo you should tell yoour Mum sooner rather than later.

SS.

 

[Ash]

That is a very good point Stay Strong makes - good advice. Because apart from anything else, what if you made the decision alone and your Mum later found out and was upset you'd made that decision? We don't know your Mum though. she might welcome a child in the family - especially a grandson. Or she might think it would affect your brother. You need to have really open conversations about how you both feel. Hopefully she won't try and influence you too much either way but yes you probably do need to tell her.

I know CMS is scary. It's 15% of your gross income and reduced slightly if you have overnights. But that's it. and if you're on a low income or unemployed it's a flat rate of about £7 a week. Unless you agree something different with the Mother.

Just to add I am not sure you can rely on a scan to decide whether it's yours or not. At the end of the day if she didn't sleep with anyone else, it's yours! You can work it out pretty accurately from the date of a missed period. Just realised I typed "it's" yours. This is how people think in the early days - once born "it" becomes a person - a child and less anonymous. And that's when people can feel different (even before then - during the pregnancy even as things start to click in your mind).

Maybe try and imagine different scenarios to help think how you feel about it.

Scenario 1: You go home and tell your Mum with a big smile - I'm having a baby!

Scenario 2: You sit and worry all the time about the future and act differently with those around you because you have a secret. (That can spoil your life too).

Scenario 3: You tell your family and decide to walk away, but then sit and worry all the time about the future and finances and whether you made the right decision.

Just writing that above makes me think - the least worry for the future and the most joy is in accepting you have a child on the way and you'll be a Dad. With not having had a Dad yourself you maybe don't have much to relate to there - do you have any uncles or other Father figures?

Not saying that being a separated Dad is easy either - but the bond is like no other. And the problem is - we can't predict the future.

 

[Bigredmachine]

That is a very good point Stay Strong makes - good advice. Because apart from anything else, what if you made the decision alone and your Mum later found out and was upset you'd made that decision? We don't know your Mum though. she might welcome a child in the family - especially a grandson. Or she might think it would affect your brother. You need to have really open conversations about how you both feel. Hopefully she won't try and influence you too much either way but yes you probably do need to tell her.

I know CMS is scary. It's 15% of your gross income and reduced slightly if you have overnights. But that's it. and if you're on a low income or unemployed it's a flat rate of about £7 a week. Unless you agree something different with the Mother.

Just to add I am not sure you can rely on a scan to decide whether it's yours or not. At the end of the day if she didn't sleep with anyone else, it's yours! You can work it out pretty accurately from the date of a missed period. Just realised I typed "it's" yours. This is how people think in the early days - once born "it" becomes a person - a child and less anonymous. And that's when people can feel different (even before then - during the pregnancy even as things start to click in your mind).

Maybe try and imagine different scenarios to help think how you feel about it.

Scenario 1: You go home and tell your Mum with a big smile - I'm having a baby!

Scenario 2: You sit and worry all the time about the future and act differently with those around you because you have a secret. (That can spoil your life too).

Scenario 3: You tell your family and decide to walk away, but then sit and worry all the time about the future and finances and whether you made the right decision.

Just writing that above makes me think - the least worry for the future and the most joy is in accepting you have a child on the way and you'll be a Dad. With not having had a Dad yourself you maybe don't have much to relate to there - do you have any uncles or other Father figures?

Not saying that being a separated Dad is easy either - but the bond is like no other. And the problem is - we can't predict the future.

Thank you.
as you say I think my mum will be angry and shocked 1st but I think she would then come around and support me, I’d hope so anyway.

with regards to the scan apparently they give you a due date based on the size, up until week 13 all develop same rate so it’s easy to tell how far\behind they are and due date is then told. Example she could think she’s 12 weeks but actually 16 and that “period” was actually implementaction bleeding. That’s just me clutching at straws.

the Scenarios are pretty much what I’ve had down too, the thought of living with it is very tough but would it outweigh living with a child that right now I don’t want?

I had a grandfather up until 8 who passed away, and uncle who I saw once a week, otherwise it was my mum and grandma. So yes not much to relate to but I’ve never longed for a father or had it bother me. I’m being genuine about that. It’s been fine.

Also what about dating? I’d love to meet someone, well I actually already did but early days. I mean dating in the foreseeable. Is that a no go area?