1 night stand pregnancy

[Ash]

I think only surefire way is a dna test. With dating. Your new partner would need to accept you keeping contact with an ex and a childcare schedule - and become a family with you (ir a step parent). Depends on the Mother as to her attitude about that - ie whether she feels threatened by it or not.

It’s not quite like choosing whether to buy something or not though

A child is going to be a person and your child.

 

[Ash]

I think as Tommy says - leave the CM equation out of the decision. You might have tipsy it whether you’re involved or not.

You and the Mother need to talk though at some point. There are different options.
You might be happy to just see the child once or twice a year. Rather than a full schedule. Ie have things out in the open but people know and accept that Mum is bringing up child and you’re in contact but not fully involved. If she thinks that’s ok as well. That way child grows up knowing who Dad is but accepts they live with Mum and Dad isn’t around much.

If the Mum meets someone else, they’d become a stepdad and living with your daughter.

 

[Bigredmachine]

I think as Tommy says - leave the CM equation out of the decision. You might have tipsy it whether you’re involved or not.

You and the Mother need to talk though at some point. There are different options.
You might be happy to just see the child once or twice a year. Rather than a full schedule. Ie have things out in the open but people know and accept that Mum is bringing up child and you’re in contact but not fully involved. If she thinks that’s ok as well. That way child grows up knowing who Dad is but accepts they live with Mum and Dad isn’t around much.

If the Mum meets someone else, they’d become a stepdad and living with your daughter.

Hi Ash, thanks for help so far.

been trying to speak to her and she’s very blasé about it all, I asked how often would she be happy me seeing the baby, as in what would be best, would she be happy with me every other weekend or once a week etc, couldn’t get an answer other than “not thought about it” bevauss She doesn’t know if I’m going to be involved as I’ve not decided…

I told her that my decision would be partly based on that, I made it clear I can’t / want 50/50 , again she said she wouldnt say anything and that it should be my decision, not sure if she is being fair or not.

in the end she said it would be down to me as to how often to see the child and has no say in it but her decision to keep it was based on her bringing it up alone.

she also said she is going to the scan with her mother, I think that is for the best tbh.

im still so messed up Ash and don’t know what to do, the dark thoughts are coming back again

 

[Ash]

So sorry you're going through this. You're coping with uncertainty and that is stressful. From what you say, she has decided she will bring the baby up on her own whether you're involved or not. It's a vicious circle isn't it? She's not committing to anything until you've made a decision - you're struggling with a decision because you don't know what she would accept.

Take your time over the next few days. And try not to go under with all this. Maybe try and do something to relax - when I was having very stressful times, I'd go for long walks (even in the rain!) and somehow it helps your brain clear and you get ideas and certainty. And even if you don't you come back feeling more at one with the world.

Maybe try and detach from anything she is saying and just focus on your own view of things. When you're clear about that, communication with her will go better. Then sometimes decisions kind of make themselves. Don't sit there hoping it won't happen - it probably will - no reason for everything to not go smoothly.

Is she someone you think you could get to know or even be friends with?

 

[Ash]

What are the dark thoughts? I get the impression you had decided from the outset, not to be involved. But were worried about it. Try and get a long walk or two in Then see how you feel.

 

[Bigredmachine]

So sorry you're going through this. You're coping with uncertainty and that is stressful. From what you say, she has decided she will bring the baby up on her own whether you're involved or not. It's a vicious circle isn't it? She's not committing to anything until you've made a decision - you're struggling with a decision because you don't know what she would accept.

Take your time over the next few days. And try not to go under with all this. Maybe try and do something to relax - when I was having very stressful times, I'd go for long walks (even in the rain!) and somehow it helps your brain clear and you get ideas and certainty. And even if you don't you come back feeling more at one with the world.

Maybe try and detach from anything she is saying and just focus on your own view of things. When you're clear about that, communication with her will go better. Then sometimes decisions kind of make themselves. Don't sit there hoping it won't happen - it probably will - no reason for everything to not go smoothly.

Is she someone you think you could get to know or even be friends with?

Thanks Ash, I’ve done lots of walking haha. Definitely a vicious circle no doubt About it.

I think my worry is making a decision then once I’ve told my mum having to change it again as she will be so angry with me not wanting to be involved.

I sort of know her well-ish already but she’s not someone I’d choose to be friends with at all. I’d want as least amount of contact with her as possible.

I basically have until Tuesday to Decide and tell my mum. I think that’s one thing I know I can’t do and that’s keep it from her

 

[Ash]

Ok I get you - not someone you'd want to be friends with. And you can co parent with minimal communication - however you'd need to make an attempt to be "friendly" and amicable - even if it's just politeness. Or it wouldn't work well. At the back of it, if you can develop a basic respect for each other as parents it helps.

With my ex - I had a lucky escape when she dumped me! I'd already had a taste of some nastiness from her via text messages (not just me either). Despite this I bent over backwards to be pleasant and helpful. Didn't see her very often - she soon thought I was great. No way either of us wanted a relationship. But she had no family so needed help with the odd thing. And I was useful. She did always have this attitude though that she was the "main" parent and even told me from the outset I had no legal rights (which wasn't true). So her attitude was clear from the start.

What do you think of her personality? (What you know of it?!).

Ok so you think your Mum would want you to this on then. I can understand you wanting to decide before telling your Mum so you don't feel you were influenced one way or the other and then regret it.

The thing with vicious circles is - they can make you go under - you need to break the vicious circle and turn it into an upward spiral. Some of the toughest decisions I've ever had - once I've made one - it makes me realise it's the wrong one. And I change it. Sometimes it's the process of making the decision that lets you know how you feel.

But if you're not sure - talk to your Mum about the angst you're going through - and see what she says. You could tell her you're not looking for advice but need to let her know and share what you're going through and hope she'll accept whatever decision you make. She might still make her own views made.

I made a decision once in my twenties, based on what my parents thought - and I later regretted it! Took their views on board at the time and did what they thought I should do. But in hindsight - it was my life and I needed to live with the outcome of that decision. And even though they meant well - their life experiences were from a different generation.

 

[Bigredmachine]

Ok I get you - not someone you'd want to be friends with. And you can co parent with minimal communication - however you'd need to make an attempt to be "friendly" and amicable - even if it's just politeness. Or it wouldn't work well. At the back of it, if you can develop a basic respect for each other as parents it helps.

With my ex - I had a lucky escape when she dumped me! I'd already had a taste of some nastiness from her via text messages (not just me either). Despite this I bent over backwards to be pleasant and helpful. Didn't see her very often - she soon thought I was great. No way either of us wanted a relationship. But she had no family so needed help with the odd thing. And I was useful. She did always have this attitude though that she was the "main" parent and even told me from the outset I had no legal rights (which wasn't true). So her attitude was clear from the start.

What do you think of her personality? (What you know of it?!).

Ok so you think your Mum would want you to this on then. I can understand you wanting to decide before telling your Mum so you don't feel you were influenced one way or the other and then regret it.

The thing with vicious circles is - they can make you go under - you need to break the vicious circle and turn it into an upward spiral. Some of the toughest decisions I've ever had - once I've made one - it makes me realise it's the wrong one. And I change it. Sometimes it's the process of making the decision that lets you know how you feel.

But if you're not sure - talk to your Mum about the angst you're going through - and see what she says. You could tell her you're not looking for advice but need to let her know and share what you're going through and hope she'll accept whatever decision you make. She might still make her own views made.

I made a decision once in my twenties, based on what my parents thought - and I later regretted it! Took their views on board at the time and did what they thought I should do. But in hindsight - it was my life and I needed to live with the outcome of that decision. And even though they meant well - their life experiences were from a different generation.

I mean I can be friendly with her but that’s it, I refuse to do anything with her / go places as “mum and dad”

you’re right about not letting my mum influence anything but at same time I’d hate to hurt her, she’s my best friend. It’s just a tough one

today I must be honest and I’m feeling like I’m edging towards not playing a part, I’ll pay maintenance but that’s it. I think I’d be honest too with anyone that asked, as I think it would come out, by making it clear I don’t want a Child, yes I was stupid but wasn’t given a choice in the matter of what to do. I’m not in love with the girl, she’s not my ex, I’m not walking out on a family, I’m walking away from a very bad mistake but still offering financial support. I’m sure I’d lose some friends but I think the ones I hold dearest would understand. just my mum that won’t …

 

[Ash]

With separated parenting/co parenting you wouldn't go places as Mum and Dad anyway . It would be separate lives. One with Mum, one with Dad. The only real communication needed would be about arrangements and practical things like swapping things over at handover time.

Good that you're working through things and feeling clearer.

 

[Bigredmachine]

With separated parenting/co parenting you wouldn't go places as Mum and Dad anyway . It would be separate lives. One with Mum, one with Dad. The only real communication needed would be about arrangements and practical things like swapping things over at handover time.

Good that you're working through things and feeling clearer.

Thanks Ash, at about what age would they start coming over as I really wouldn’t want to be seeing the baby at her house, we live about 40 mins each way drive from one another.

id hate having to take my mum to hers to see her grandchild

 

[Ash]

It depends what you agree between you but the idea is it starts straight away. It could be just a few hours a week initially then an overnight a week by the time the baby is a few month old. Then one or two nights a week until they're two - after that - it could be 50/50 if you wanted or just four nights a fortnight (which is the standard minimum usually - every other week-end and a midweek overnight). But it's a routine for the child with both parents.

The early bond is what makes the relationship and that can be pretty instant. If you didn't meet the child for the first six months it would be harder and the child would miss the Mother and not really know you.

Some Dads find some difficulty getting agreement from the Mother about letting the child be away from her - eg overnight. It sounded like the Mother seemed amenable to you having the child staying with you though. It's due to breast feeding that it's often jsut a few hours a week initially. I had my son staying over 2 nights a week by the time he was 3 months old. Before that I "babysat" two nights a week at ex's house so she could have a night off (a night out in her case!). Not ideal but by three months she trusted me to have him overnight - and it gave her more freedom. Not all Mothers breastfeed though and there's no reason you can't see the child a lot more than a few hours a week. And at your home - and your Mum could help out a bit too maybe.

These are things you'd need to iron out with the Mother. If she's amenable to you being involved and sharing the care - fine. So you'd maybe need to say what you envisage happening (as tactfully as possible - she will be hormonal!). And suggest that for the first 3 or 4 weeks you could see the baby at her house and from then on have the baby at your house for a few hours twice a week. Leading to a couple of overnights a week. And sound out her reaction.

She of course will be concerned as to whether or not you'd make a good Dad as well...... I would think seeing the baby at her house initially would be a good idea for the first 3 or 4 times at least - so the baby has a kind of transition and feels safe with both of you before being away with you on their own. But actually babies adapt fine and form a bond with both parents - they know whose who.

It takes a bit of getting your head around how things can work, but the focus is on "separated" parenting. You don't do things with the child together and it's not usually appropriate to only see the child at ex's house because the child needs a full normal time with you too - and be part of your world, home and life. "Co parenting" is a term that can mean a number of things. It can be full on chatting about the baby on an amicable basis and deciding everything together (even though having separate lives). Or it can be only communicating about particular things and you "going along with" the Mothers choice of say bottles and nappies (normally you'd both have your own in each home) - it helps to agree to use the same things. There might need to be discussion or agreements on a suitable baby seat for the car. With those kind of things its best to just "go along with" things if the Mother is anxious about something - eg is the car seat a safe one with a CE mark - that kind of thing.

I found just agreeing with my ex over things like that made her feel more trusting of me. Once child is not bottle fed any more it gets easier.

So it's more about trust with the other parent, than about being friendly. It's a weird thing - you have a common thing - a child you both feel the same about. But nothing else in common. It can work fine. If she's a good person, she'll accept that the child's relationship with you is important (if that's what you want) and not make life difficult.

If you do get involved you'll find the child quite quickly starts making their own feelings known. Obviously not that much before they can talk but even then there are little things. My son used to always give me half his food when he was a baby - he instinctively wanted to share things with me and it was a sign of approval - if they liked someone they'd give them their toy or half a sandwich to share.

There is also eye contact. Once eye contact is made, they know you. They might not be able to speak but they still have developing brains.

At three or four they could be very vocal about how much time they want to be in each house or not liking being away too long etc. They are little people then.

I can understand why the Mother wants to know what your decision is because she wouldn't want you to get involved and then hurt the child's feelings by disappearing. She will be feeling protective. On the other hand she should understand that this is something of a sudden shock.

So at the moment, you sound fairly clear you don't want a family or to be involved, but think your Mum will want you to be. And that might be the point where you think about things again. The above is just to give an idea what co parenting and separate parenting is about.

Separate lives basically and the child moves between homes with a regular stable routine of parenting with separate parents. My son knew nothing different. It helps to have agreements in place - like what you will do if either of you meets a new partner - eg how long to wait before introducing a new partner - so there are no arguments or drama later.

You still have a good few months to go and all sorts can happen in that time.

I think after the scan it might make things a bit clearer as well. You should know if it's a boy or a girl then presumably.

 

[Ash]

In a way you've got options - which can be harder! Most Dads coming on here in this situation are desperate to get time with their baby and the Mother is refusing it and they have to go to court to get it ordered. Sometimes they've split up when the baby was very young - sometimes situations a bit like yours. But I do get that your situation is a bit different with it being a one night stand and not even dating. And you didn't choose to start a family. A lot of men never do choose to start a family - and then it happens. It's usually the women wanting children! I know married Dads who've not been sure about wanting a child - but then one comes along and they are smitten completely and highly protective of their children and adore them. But it's different being a full time Dad in a couple to having a separated parenting set up where child lives with both of you part of the time. That can have its pros as well as cons though - sharing parenting is better in a way - than in a traditional set up where the Mother is the full time carer and Dad just works hard and pays the bills and doesn't get to do much parenting (just as an example). You can do things your own way more You get real quality time and plenty of breaks while the other parent looks after them!

You could actually see it the other way round - that the Mother is looking after your child for you so you can have breaks from childcare. I know it's not quite like that - a woman has a choice of an abortion and a man doesn't - we can't imagine having that choice for ourselves.

I think the childcare aspect could work quite well if you live with your Mum and have a bit of help now and then or someone else there if you're working on your days with the child and don't get home till later or something.

The main thing is - that nobody falls out and everyone treats everyone else with respect - even if from a distance. When things were fairly amicable with my ex, we would normally just have a handover chat on the doorstep - any info about what was happening when or any clothes that needed swapping over etc or if the baby had a vaccination appointment and who would take him. As he got older I would occasionally be invited in for a cup of tea to chat when taking him back (she had a partner by then or I wouldn't have felt comfortable about it - and didn't really anyway but went along with it so things were amicable in front of my son).

 

[Bigredmachine]

In a way you've got options - which can be harder! Most Dads coming on here in this situation are desperate to get time with their baby and the Mother is refusing it and they have to go to court to get it ordered. Sometimes they've split up when the baby was very young - sometimes situations a bit like yours. But I do get that your situation is a bit different with it being a one night stand and not even dating. And you didn't choose to start a family. A lot of men never do choose to start a family - and then it happens. It's usually the women wanting children! I know married Dads who've not been sure about wanting a child - but then one comes along and they are smitten completely and highly protective of their children and adore them. But it's different being a full time Dad in a couple to having a separated parenting set up where child lives with both of you part of the time. That can have its pros as well as cons though - sharing parenting is better in a way - than in a traditional set up where the Mother is the full time carer and Dad just works hard and pays the bills and doesn't get to do much parenting (just as an example). You can do things your own way more You get real quality time and plenty of breaks while the other parent looks after them!

You could actually see it the other way round - that the Mother is looking after your child for you so you can have breaks from childcare. I know it's not quite like that - a woman has a choice of an abortion and a man doesn't - we can't imagine having that choice for ourselves.

I think the childcare aspect could work quite well if you live with your Mum and have a bit of help now and then or someone else there if you're working on your days with the child and don't get home till later or something.

The main thing is - that nobody falls out and everyone treats everyone else with respect - even if from a distance. When things were fairly amicable with my ex, we would normally just have a handover chat on the doorstep - any info about what was happening when or any clothes that needed swapping over etc or if the baby had a vaccination appointment and who would take him. As he got older I would occasionally be invited in for a cup of tea to chat when taking him back (she had a partner by then or I wouldn't have felt comfortable about it - and didn't really anyway but went along with it so things were amicable in front of my son).

So tomorrow is the scan and if all well and due date lining up then im going to have to tell my mum.

I had a huge breakdown yesterday, sobbed most of the day privately and had to stop thinking of Suicide a few times, it’s something I won’t do Im sure, my little brother needs me. So I think and hope I’m over that dark demon.

im so scared about tomorrow, I’ll be hanging on for a text All morning. I just can’t imagine me with a child, nor do I want one. Even if I dodge this huge bullet I think it’s made me realise Now I don’t want kids, marriage etc.

How do I go breaking this to my mum? I know I’ll break down and be unable to get my words out

 

[Ash]

Which is why you need to talk to her - you need some support. Really sorry you're feeling so bad. Don't get suicidal over it - if you ever feel like that, call the Samaritans (they're quite good with helping with decisions as well and will help you through a crisis).

 

[Bigredmachine]

Which is why you need to talk to her - you need some support. Really sorry you're feeling so bad. Don't get suicidal over it - if you ever feel like that, call the Samaritans (they're quite good with helping with decisions as well and will help you through a crisis).

I called them last week, they were ok but only listened and didn’t give advice as I dont think they are allowed.

im sure I got past that stage now though, however if my brother and mum weren't about I think I’d have ended It all truth be told

 

[Ash]

Don't ever get to that stage. Nothing is ever as bad as you think. You're struggling on your own with this. No Samaritans aren't supposed to give advice, but they can do more than just listen. They can ask clever little questions or sometimes have "magic" words - that help adjust the way you're thinking or guide you to explore certain things or work out what's what or help make a decision. If you're speaking to one that doesn't seem to be doing much - ring back and you'll get another one. They vary hugely.

So keep this in perspective for now. Whatever happens, it is not the end of the world or of your life. Heck the world is full of people and none of us would be here if people didn't have sex! And not everyone was "planned". Whatever you decide to do is your choice. It may feel like a sentence hanging over you but it's really not as bad as that. Don't ever think about ending it all. Your life is important too. And how would a child feel finding out Dad killed himself at the idea they were going to be born? Guilt.

Anyway - it's not worth it - whatever you decide to do. But talk to your Mum and let her know what you're going through. If you've decided you don't want to be involved - tell her that. She's probably the only person you can have a proper conversation with about this.

This deadline tomorrow isn't really a deadline. It's just a stage - one of many stages. You have plenty of time - there's no pressure to decide anything right now.

 

[Bigredmachine]

Don't ever get to that stage. Nothing is ever as bad as you think. You're struggling on your own with this. No Samaritans aren't supposed to give advice, but they can do more than just listen. They can ask clever little questions or sometimes have "magic" words - that help adjust the way you're thinking or guide you to explore certain things or work out what's what or help make a decision. If you're speaking to one that doesn't seem to be doing much - ring back and you'll get another one. They vary hugely.

So keep this in perspective for now. Whatever happens, it is not the end of the world or of your life. Heck the world is full of people and none of us would be here if people didn't have sex! And not everyone was "planned". Whatever you decide to do is your choice. It may feel like a sentence hanging over you but it's really not as bad as that. Don't ever think about ending it all. Your life is important too. And how would a child feel finding out Dad killed himself at the idea they were going to be born? Guilt.

Anyway - it's not worth it - whatever you decide to do. But talk to your Mum and let her know what you're going through. If you've decided you don't want to be involved - tell her that. She's probably the only person you can have a proper conversation with about this.

This deadline tomorrow isn't really a deadline. It's just a stage - one of many stages. You have plenty of time - there's no pressure to decide anything right now.

Thanks Ash, I really do find your words comforting.

Tomorrow is a deadline in some Ways as all being well with the scan she wants to tell her family and friends, with the caveat if I’m not wanting to be involved she won’t mention my name and say the father is irrelevant.

she says i need to decide so she knows what to say

 

[Ash]

That's not very fair of her to put you under deadline pressure like that. I would text her and say perhaps she could tell her friends that the Father is coming to terms with the idea and will be speaking to her soon. and then say to her that you want to be sure what's the right thing and need a bit of time to process it all. You hope the scan goes well and would like to speak again soon.

If she insists on knowing by tomorrow then no wonder you're in such a state. You can't think straight under that kind of deadline pressure.

If she does insist then I would say - Ok please let your friends know I will be involved. Then change your mind later if you want - easier that way round than the other way round. Once you say you don't want to be - that's it. If you just buy some time and say - yes I want to be involved - who cares if she tells her friends - she can tell them something else later if/when you change your mind!

 

[Bigredmachine]

That's not very fair of her to put you under deadline pressure like that. I would text her and say perhaps she could tell her friends that the Father is coming to terms with the idea and will be speaking to her soon. and then say to her that you want to be sure what's the right thing and need a bit of time to process it all. You hope the scan goes well and would like to speak again soon.

If she insists on knowing by tomorrow then no wonder you're in such a state. You can't think straight under that kind of deadline pressure.

If she does insist then I would say - Ok please let your friends know I will be involved. Then change your mind later if you want - easier that way round than the other way round. Once you say you don't want to be - that's it. If you just buy some time and say - yes I want to be involved - who cares if she tells her friends - she can tell them something else later if/when you change your mind!

Hmmm I suppose that is an option but if I say I would be involved, then decide not to be then wouldnt that be a double whammy? Like wow he’s changed his mind and being a jerk. More people would end up thinking I’m scum of the earth, which i know will happen …

 

[Ash]

Stop worrying about what people will think. This is your life and it's a huge decision and you need time to process it. I would keep things amicable, polite and low key with the Mother - deal with it as you would with a business colleague who is pressing for an answer and you're trying to buy time. It's better to say yes and then later say - I'm sorry I have thought about this carefully and feel I don't want to be involved. Than to say no now and then change your mind later and it's too late - she will say get lost.

If you're absolutely certain you don't want to be involved and have made that decision then you could tell her that I guess. But I think you might need more time to get your head round the whole thing. And talk to your Mother.