1 night stand pregnancy

[Bigredmachine]

Stop worrying about what people will think. This is your life and it's a huge decision and you need time to process it. I would keep things amicable, polite and low key with the Mother - deal with it as you would with a business colleague who is pressing for an answer and you're trying to buy time. It's better to say yes and then later say - I'm sorry I have thought about this carefully and feel I don't want to be involved. Than to say no now and then change your mind later and it's too late - she will say get lost.

If you're absolutely certain you don't want to be involved and have made that decision then you could tell her that I guess. But I think you might need more time to get your head round the whole thing. And talk to your Mother.

I wished her well this morNing and told her to let me know how it goes today, she replied with have a made a decision, told her I’m talking to my mum after which she replied ”oh so it’s not your choice then” I said of course but just needed to talk to someone 1st

really angered me that then she said if still undecided not to tell her who she was, I said youve told yours that I’m the father…

Few more messages and again she said I dont have to be involved and wouldn’t name me, I said that wouldnt work as people would work out… “not my problem” was the respons. I asked what would she tell the child if they asked “well it would be my child so nothing to do with you”

so that’s where we are today, she’s about to be scanned and I just know this will only be the start of her acting aggressive like this and being unfair if I chose involvement.

 

[Ash]

It's a tense situation and I can see both sides of it. But yes she is sounding a bit difficult. Was the communication all by text? In future it can be best to wait 10 mins or so before replying to a text and construct it carefully. You don't have to reply to every question. Keep to a plan. You started out by wishing her well and asking her to let you know how it goes.

I didn't quite understand this sentence

"really angered me that then she said if still undecided not to tell her who she was, I said youve told yours that I’m the father…"

It sounds like it descended into a bit of an argument after that. And text isn't always the best way to convey a tone from the words and can lead to misunderstandings and people feeling attacked.

So I would perhaps follow it up with another one later today - stating what you want to say again. It doesn't have to become a two way conversation and you don't have to answer all her questions. Bear in mind as well she is hormonal! And probably also anxious to know how things are going to be.

I would send another one later just saying something like

"I hope things went well with the scan - I am sorry if any upset was caused - it wasn't intended. I know the life of a child is a very important thing, and am taking the matter very seriously, which is why I felt I needed time to carefully think things through and discuss with family so that any decisions made will be reliable and clear ones for you. I appreciate this is a tense time for you to, with the uncertainty, but please just bear with me for a while. Very best wishes ...........you".

 

[Bigredmachine]

It's a tense situation and I can see both sides of it. But yes she is sounding a bit difficult. Was the communication all by text? In future it can be best to wait 10 mins or so before replying to a text and construct it carefully. You don't have to reply to every question. Keep to a plan. You started out by wishing her well and asking her to let you know how it goes.

I didn't quite understand this sentence

"really angered me that then she said if still undecided not to tell her who she was, I said youve told yours that I’m the father…"

It sounds like it descended into a bit of an argument after that. And text isn't always the best way to convey a tone from the words and can lead to misunderstandings and people feeling attacked.

So I would perhaps follow it up with another one later today - stating what you want to say again. It doesn't have to become a two way conversation and you don't have to answer all her questions. Bear in mind as well she is hormonal! And probably also anxious to know how things are going to be.

I would send another one later just saying something like

"I hope things went well with the scan - I am sorry if any upset was caused - it wasn't intended. I know the life of a child is a very important thing, and am taking the matter very seriously, which is why I felt I needed time to carefully think things through and discuss with family so that any decisions made will be reliable and clear ones for you. I appreciate this is a tense time for you to, with the uncertainty, but please just bear with me for a while. Very best wishes ...........you".

Yes all by text, I’m trying to keep it that way so I have proof of things sad.

Apologies, the part was a bit hard to understand, she said not to name her to my mum as I’m undecided what to do, even though she’s named me to her mum.

Regardless, Ive Told my mum, she’s been amazing so far, took it so well and held me tight as I sobbed like a baby.
Her advice So far is to get a dna test to be 100% sure, and if it is, support her. I told her basically everything here that I’ve shared and she said it’s up to me, but whatever happens everything will be ok.
she will support whatever decision I make, even if it is walking away but said she doesnt think I’d do that (tbh, when it comes down to it, I dont think I would but I’m still shook up.

The baby mother is now putting pressure on me to decide what to do as she s planning telling family today. I think that’s harsh. I mentioned DNA test just to be sure, stressed I’m not accusing her of lying but just want to be sure. She was blasé, didn’t say yes or no.

 

[Ash]

Ok so then you text the Mother saying "I wish to support you but I think it would be appropriate for a DNA test to be performed to be sure I am the baby's Father, and hope you will agree to this". If you haven't already. Be very careful to keep all communications polite and courteous. If you ever do need to prove anything or any evidence, that is the best type you can have - that you always behaved reasonably and courteously, regardless of how she behaves or responds.

That was very wise of your Mother and does seem to have stopped the "other" Mother in her tracks - it's thrown the ball back in her court. It's like saying - yes I do wish to decide, but I would like to definitely know if I'm the baby's Father first. She can't argue with that can she?

Well she could - if she's got an ulterior motive! If she doesn't care who the Father is, or has doubts herself, and just wants a baby. In my case I was also advised to ask my ex for a DNA test and there was major drama - she cried, got emotional, said I didn't trust her - her family told me off for upsetting her when she was pregant - and I gave way and didn't pursue it. That left me with uncertainty and anxiety for about 18 months! I decided to accept my son was mine. It was only when certain physical/genetic traits became apparent I was sure.

This seems to be your answer. If she will do a DNA test, you are certain (and it gives a bit more time to process everything). If she refuses then is she to be trusted?

When your Mum says "support her" I assume this means by way of being amicable rather than financially - that is another issue entirely. I agree that your Mum's advice to be supportive and pleasant is good. Even if you have to fake that initially. And this does buy you time.

As for her telling her Mum who you are - well that means nothing without a DNA test does it?

 

[Bigredmachine]

Ok so then you text the Mother saying "I wish to support you but I think it would be appropriate for a DNA test to be performed to be sure I am the baby's Father, and hope you will agree to this". If you haven't already. Be very careful to keep all communications polite and courteous. If you ever do need to prove anything or any evidence, that is the best type you can have - that you always behaved reasonably and courteously, regardless of how she behaves or responds.

That was very wise of your Mother and does seem to have stopped the "other" Mother in her tracks - it's thrown the ball back in her court. It's like saying - yes I do wish to decide, but I would like to definitely know if I'm the baby's Father first. She can't argue with that can she?

Well she could - if she's got an ulterior motive! If she doesn't care who the Father is, or has doubts herself, and just wants a baby. In my case I was also advised to ask my ex for a DNA test and there was major drama - she cried, got emotional, said I didn't trust her - her family told me off for upsetting her when she was pregant - and I gave way and didn't pursue it. That left me with uncertainty and anxiety for about 18 months! I decided to accept my son was mine. It was only when certain physical/genetic traits became apparent I was sure.

This seems to be your answer. If she will do a DNA test, you are certain (and it gives a bit more time to process everything). If she refuses then is she to be trusted?

When your Mum says "support her" I assume this means by way of being amicable rather than financially - that is another issue entirely. I agree that your Mum's advice to be supportive and pleasant is good. Even if you have to fake that initially. And this does buy you time.

As for her telling her Mum who you are - well that means nothing without a DNA test does it?

So bit of a big update here.

I told her I would step up play a part in child’s life , financially too but at 1st I’d like a dna test. I worded it make it sound like I wasn’t doubting her, or calling her a liar, but wanted to be 100% sure for myself. Right now I’m 99%.

she’s refused the dna test

Said she doesn’t want to spend her pregnancy with me doubting her…

 

[Ash]

Which is what happened to me . This is quite a sensitive area to discuss. On the one hand - why would she refuse a DNA test? If she had nothing to hide. On the other hand - her argument that you are not trusting her. Hence a sensitive area to discuss. And on another point - why should you step up or pay child support if the child is not proved to be yours?

I would leave it a little bit before replying again. To be a valid DNA test it has to be a blood test not one of those mouth swabs.

For comparison, a legal DNA test is 99.9999% if positive.

 

[Ash]

What does your Mum think about that?

A possible reply could be:

"Apologies - I did not wish to upset you, or to suggest that I don't trust you. I simply felt it was an important formality for the child's future and would help with certainty all round. I realise it's quite a sensitive and personal issue, particular to being a Father - as it's clear who the Mother is! If you could take some time to consider this, I would very much appreciate it. A legal DNA test has a quick turn around and provides certainty and peace of mind for all. It will help in looking forward to attending the next scan with you and being involved."

But don't send anything yet! Let the dust settle.

Actually I might be wrong about it needing to be a blood test (it was many years ago when I last looked into it). Maybe others will have more up to date information. I've seen clinics saying they are court approved tests and they're swab tests.

 

[Bigredmachine]

What does your Mum think about that?

A possible reply could be:

"Apologies - I did not wish to upset you, or to suggest that I don't trust you. I simply felt it was an important formality for the child's future and would help with certainty all round. I realise it's quite a sensitive and personal issue, particular to being a Father - as it's clear who the Mother is! If you could take some time to consider this, I would very much appreciate it. A legal DNA test has a quick turn around and provides certainty and peace of mind for all. It will help in looking forward to attending the next scan with you and being involved."

But don't send anything yet! Let the dust settle.

Actually I might be wrong about it needing to be a blood test (it was many years ago when I last looked into it). Maybe others will have more up to date information. I've seen clinics saying they are court approved tests and they're swab tests.

Thanks Ash, did you end up having a dna test or just go for it?

All the red flags are starting to catch my eye now, her being unable to tell me how long her cycle is, giving me a wrong date for when her period started the changing it ( now suits the ovulation) and of course her going to meet a man she met on holiday not long before we had sex.

My mum finds it fishy, today I found out my mum took my dad to court for a dna test, he also refused, she knew 100% he was the dad, he changed his mind last minute and accepted it. She thinks maybe deep down she wants to do this alone or … there’s more than just me who could be the father.

As for a reply, Im unsure how to proceed at the minute I worded it so kindly so her reaction was a bit unexpected tbh

 

[Ash]

Hence let the dust settle a bit.

Me? I accepted that she didn't want to do the dna test and became fully involved - went to the scans and ante natal classes with her and accepted it was my child. It was when he was about a year old some information came from somewhere that suggested that might not be the case. My new partner and I sat down and worked out all the dates respectively - it could have been me or someone else due to the timing. I felt very depressed initially - but felt that he already was my son regardless of concrete knowledge - I'd been a Dad to him and he knew me. A happy occasion happened as he grew a bit, when it became clear he was mine and I had no doubts after that. The other guy though I think was crapping himself when he realised I knew. I never said a word and just carried on as before but with certainty then.

It was a bit different as my ex was quite a few months pregnant before she (apparently) discovered she was pregnant. We had long broken up after a very short period of dating.

In some ways it could have been important - if I hadn't been the biological Dad - because some diseases are genetic and a child might need to know when they're older.

A couple of friends didn't trust her and still said I should have insisted on a DNA test but I let it go because she made such a fuss and was upset and I just accepted it at the time.

Ultimately, if she refuses to agree, it can't be done unless the court orders it's in the child's best interests.

I don't think you want to be thinking about going to court over this right now. It would start with antagonism.

What did the scan show? I think you said that could determine things somewhat?

 

[Ash]

It's not great is it - it would be nice if she'd said - sure no problem. Of course I can understand you want to be certain. On the other hand trust is important ongoing. It's a breakdown in trust that leads to most of the hostilities between separated parents. eg the Mother doesn't trust the Dad to do things properly or the Dad doesn't trust the Mother to keep him informed of things. You want good communication ongoing, and that does need trust.

In my case? I think my ex did have doubts for a while as to who was the Father, but was then certain about it in her own mind. I didn't know she'd seen someone else while dating me - at the time.

 

[Bigredmachine]

It's not great is it - it would be nice if she'd said - sure no problem. Of course I can understand you want to be certain. On the other hand trust is important ongoing. It's a breakdown in trust that leads to most of the hostilities between separated parents. eg the Mother doesn't trust the Dad to do things properly or the Dad doesn't trust the Mother to keep him informed of things. You want good communication ongoing, and that does need trust.

In my case? I think my ex did have doubts for a while as to who was the Father, but was then certain about it in her own mind. I didn't know she'd seen someone else while dating me - at the time.

Sorry to hear all that Ash but glad it all got sorted in the end for you.

so the scan date showed it’s due a tad earlier, a day or 2 than what the NHS website tool said, I’m not going off it too much but added to the other little bits of info that quite don’t add up just adds extra doubt.

My mum made a good point, maybe there are actual doubts about me being the father, could be someone else’s but she decided to go with me as I’m (not blowing my trumpet) a really nice guy and Experienced bringing up a child (my brother) hence why she said I didnt have to pay any child support, or the other person is a bad guy, bad for the kid etc?

TBH I’m going to leave the ball in her court now until I hear back. It’s now a non-negotiable frome me. No DNA test, no further chat

 

[Ash]

Do you have the date of the start of her last period? Ovulation is quite easy to calculate from that - it’s a very small window. Regardless of how regular her periods or how long they last, ovulation is always 14 days from the date the period started (done all this before!). Unless she slept with someone else the day before perhaps.

 

[Bigredmachine]

Do you have the date of the start of her last period? Ovulation is quite easy to calculate from that - it’s a very small window. Regardless of how regular her periods or how long they last, ovulation is always 14 days from the date the period started (done all this before!). Unless she slept with someone else the day before perhaps.

Well I had one date, the 15th, then that suddenly turned to the 19th 3 days later to fit in with 14 days…

Luckily I know a midwife and sneakily asked for Info, ovulation can happen any day from 11 to 21 after period and with sperm living for 5-7 days then that window is extended even more. That would fit in with her visiting her holiday romance. Not ruling out myself at all btw but shows why I need a dna test

Did some Googling and all that i was told is correct too https://www.emedicinehealth.com/how_many_days_after_your_period_do_you_ovulate/article_em.htm

 

[Ash]

The woman herself can know her personal ovulation pattern - there are signs when it happens each month (without going into details!). Which is partly why people trying to conceive take their temperature in the morning to get the right day.

What was that about her holiday romance?

The change of date does sound a bit strange - she should know the day her last period started (although may have misremembered if she wasn’t interested at that time).

What doesn’t quite add up though is - if she is prepared to go it all alone and not interested in child support then why give you the option to be involved or not? Unless she was sure it was you? If she was happy to bring the child up alone and not want any CMS she could have said - having a child, not sure if it’s yours or not but I’m happy to bring it up on my own not knowing who the Father is. But if you want to know or be involved I can do a dna test.

So maybe she does know it’s you. But as you don’t know her that well, you maybe don’t know if she is a very honest person or not.

Yes it would be much easier if she just agreed to a dna test.

 

[Ash]

In a way - with working out dates - all you really need to know is - did she sleep with anyone else for 3 or 4 weeks since her last period. Only she knows that. If you could have a really open easy conversation together it might help.

 

[Ash]

You said earlier you were 99% sure it was yours. Which is pretty close to the results of a DNA test.

 

[Bigredmachine]

The woman herself can know her personal ovulation pattern - there are signs when it happens each month (without going into details!). Which is partly why people trying to conceive take their temperature in the morning to get the right day.

What was that about her holiday romance?

The change of date does sound a bit strange - she should know the day her last period started (although may have misremembered if she wasn’t interested at that time).

What doesn’t quite add up though is - if she is prepared to go it all alone and not interested in child support then why give you the option to be involved or not? Unless she was sure it was you? If she was happy to bring the child up alone and not want any CMS she could have said - having a child, not sure if it’s yours or not but I’m happy to bring it up on my own not knowing who the Father is. But if you want to know or be involved I can do a dna test.

So maybe she does know it’s you. But as you don’t know her that well, you maybe don’t know if she is a very honest person or not.

Yes it would be much easier if she just agreed to a dna test.

When I asked about her cycle she “wasn’t sure” what it was and asked why was I asking.

Sorry thought I’d mentioned but She had a holiday romance in may and went to meet him a few times here in uk when back in June, she told me that the day in passing (before We did the deed at evening) said nothing happened but not sure I can believe that.

well I’m not going to chase now Ash, I gave the option telling her I’d have stood up financially and co/parent just for a dna test for my own piece of mind.

her friends and family might not get that version but with the screenshots I have saved then the child will know if they ever came looking - listen, I was going to stand up but your mum wouldn’t do a test

 

[Bigredmachine]

You said earlier you were 99% sure it was yours. Which is pretty close to the results of a DNA test.

Until I spoke to the midwife and saw how random ovulation can be and then added to the fact her reaction for a simple Dna test was off the chart

 

[Ash]

Did she say she knew it was yours?

 

[Bigredmachine]

Did she say she knew it was yours?

She has said that yes.