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Matthay247

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Hey everyone. Im new here and wonered what others may think of my situation and offer constructive advice on how to proceed.

I split/divorced with my ex of 9yrs back ib 2019,
When we split she left me with our now 4 yr old son Full time for the following 3 years. She didnt see him, call, or message once durring these 3 years.

I was juggling everything and after 3 years i decided to apply for child maintenance.

After all our child was planned and why should i have to do this all by myself.

When i did this, out of the blue she requested to have my son 50/50.

So i arranged an order for the 50/50 meaning financially she would be responsible also.

Then when this started around in July 2021, 2months in she appiled to the court to try and get my son Full Time as she stated she had a job in Cambridge and wished to move there and that it was beneficial for our son to be with her all the time.

Fast forward first court hearing we both set out our plans and as my son would be attending school in 2022 the court advised i seek suitable school in my area of Northamption and she do the same in Cambridge where she needed to move too.

Fast Forward to the final hearing given that i had been Full Time primary carer for so long before our agreed 50/50, the courts basically lead her down the path of hes basically staying put. (Tiny Win) before i even has a chance to speak.
It also came to light that she had not applied for any school in the proposed area, or sort accomedation.

But i had here in Northampton because i didnt want to miss the submission date for him to recieve his School place.

So the court order i got was he was to remain in Northants
So the court also said the order does not state which school he attends just that this also has to be Northants area.

But as i was the only parent to apply and she had not they said its logical for him to go to schoo where i had chosen as he cant be without one.

This nearly fiancially crippled me with legal fess etc. But it was also my suspicion she didnt intend to move at all and made this story up to use the court as a vehicle to remove our son from my care.

So now my sons started school in Sept 2022 we are co parenting 50/50 one week with me and the other with my ex but i have zero contract with my son when hes at his mums, i receive no calls or updates and my son tells me he asks to call me but mum says no.

Back in November she started to complian as the school is 12 miles away from her in the car it was not suitable for her for him to attend the school.

Im not irrational i said to her i would always review the school if its in the interests of my son.

She came back saying she only has 1 proposal and its this school. Needless to say it sounded like a demand not any rational proposal so i declined.

Now my sons been attending school since last September ive been paying towards his PALS sessions (basically breakfast and afterschool) sessions. about £100 a month.
This is more than my fair share, it should be about 30 to month, This is because we split the Child benefit also to 40quid a month, so total £70, but i help out where i can. But i discovered out of this £100 she been taking money off the this to fund her petrol to take our son to school and not putting towards his clubs.

Now she has been confronted about this, again shes become angry and irrational stating its too far for her to drive and she shouldnt be affected by this.oh and instead of solving her situation by moving closer to his school she has now moved even further away.so its about 18miles away now.

i try to step our of my body and see this situation for all sides but i cant for the life of me see why she is being so angry at me all the time since court and all our conversations are whats best for her nd not our son.

Shes now threatening to just remove him from school without my concent.

All i want is whats best for my son, no drama or headaches but it seems an impossible ask.

Im trying my best but never seems enough and she just has this uncanny knack of making me feel like the bad person.

Just curious if anyone else in a similar situation has any advice are there any orders i can apply to the court to change the terms of coparenting such has phonecalls etc and any prevention orders so she cant just remove him with my permission.
Any help is greatly appriciated.
Thanks
Matt
 
Have you got the threat to change his school without your consent in writing?

I suggest you only communicate with mum by email. WhatsApp/text can be used to alert of email if it is urgent - just write: "Please see urgent email." Nothing else.

Has the school seen your court order?

If not I would share it and make them aware that consent of both parents is necessary for any major decisions, e.g. change of school.

Your application, if you choose to take that route should be for a Probibited Steps Order and an application vary the order by naming child's current school.
 
@Resolute, Thanks for your reply,
So yes we only communicate over messenger and when she will say these things im saving screenshots and keeping them.

The school hasnt seen the court order, so il defo set up a meeting with his school teacher so that can make a copy for themselves.
thanks for the advice
 
I'm sorry to hear this as it sounds like it's all about money to her. I bet you're regretting claiming CMS! I think I would rather pay for everything and have my ex disappear! Because some people are nothing but trouble and not always good for children.

Anyway - what exactly is in the wording of your court order? This is important. Some are very vaguely worded, some are very specific. It might depend whether you need to do anything or not. If you don't want to post the wording on here then you could send me the details in a PM and I could paraphrase on here so others get the picture. Probably best.

Some orders are vague and say something like the child spends half the time with each parent. Rather than specifically that the child "lives with" both parents - meaning it's what used to be called a joint residency order.

Most orders don't include a clause that says neither parent can change the child's school without the written consent of both parents - unless you specifically ask for it. But if there is an order that says the child lives with both parents, schedules can't be changed without an order of the court or mediation - so if a change of school means a change of schedules then she can't just do it without being in breach of the order - depending on what the order actually says.

Aside from that, when dealing with a troublesome ex like this I sometimes think you need to let some things go as you can't win every battle or make them behave. By that I mean the money issues not the big issues like schooling and location. I'm not saying money is a small issue by any means but there are ways of dealing with it. I'm not sure how she is using school club money to pay for petrol. Would probably need more details as to how this works.

However it's not in your child's interests to move school. He has just been settled since September. If your ex decided to move further away that was her decision. 12 miles is not a lot. 18 miles is not a lot. 30 miles is difficult. She's just being a total xxxx. It's not even 2 or 3 times a week - it's just once a week if it's week on week off.

It's also concerning she won't let him contact you when he's with her. But one thing at a time.

If you have it in writing that she intends to move him to another school or is suggesting that, then you also need it clearly in writing that you do not agree to this.

One thing people sometimes fall foul of, after getting a court order, is being too casual about things. Everything needs to be clearly agreed or disagreed in writing, politely or you could fall foul of it being seen that this was agreed because you didn't disagree.

So that's when you have to start learning certain types of message writing. I learned a lot from a particularly good solicitor who guided me through dealing with a very machievellian ex who tried to trick me into things in writing. Basically you have to watch your step in writing and messages. BIFF messages help as well (brief informative, friendly, formal) as a way of saying no without being argumentative or pissing someone off.

So if you haven't already I think the first thing is to message her. Something along the lines of

"I hope you're well. Joe has just got settled into his school since September and I'm not in agreement with him moving schools as I don't think this is in his best interests. I am happy to discuss any other issues you're concerned about. I understand that, as you've moved further away, the travel distance to school is now 18 miles rather than 12 miles. If you feel the travel is too far, then perhaps we could discuss options or possible adjustments to the weekly schedule, pr have mediation to discuss this, to make things easier, but Joe's stability at school with newly formed friendships and achieving educationally, is the priority. As there is a shared care Child Arrangements order, neither of us can change Joe's school without the written consent of both parents or permission of the court."

Before sending that, have an urgent application for prohibited steps written up and ready to submit as soon as you get her reply. To make sure she can't do it unilaterally.

Also do send a copy of the court order to the school, attached to an email for the attention of the Headteacher and marked Private and Confidential just saying, please find attached a Child Arrangements order regarding my son Joe, and I request the school keeps the order and this email on file. Under the order, Joe lives equally with both parents (formerly known as a joint residence order). As such we are both the parent with care and consent in writing is needed from both parents in the event of certain matters, such as longer school trips or any proposed change of school. I would be grateful, therefore, if you could let me know if you ever receive notice from his Mother, that Joe will be leaving the school. Currently a change of school has been proposed by Joe's Mother, but hopefully will be resolved by discussion. Joe is very happy at the school and is doing amazingly well and particularly enjoys his art lessons with Miss x. Please feel free to contact me at any time if you have any concerns, Kind regards, you"
 
Having said all that, if there is an outstanding school located midway between you then it might be easier to agree to that but I would still do it via a specific issues application to make sure she doesn't just unilaterally change the school to one near her.

My thoughts? She has moved further away, she's trying to move his school nearer her, she won't let him contact you during the week - I would suspect she may be trying to gradually remove you. Next thing she will have a new partner and be wanting to change everything entirely. Or move even further away and try again. Some of these ex's just never forgive a slight (ie you claiming CMS from her).
 
If I was a Judge I wouldn't be inclined to agree that your son's best interest is to live with the mother that left and made no effort in his upbringing for 3 years of his life. And she has failed to be open and honest about her part of the interim school arrangements. But I hope we can all agree that, ideally, it is in a child's best interests to grow-up with both parents in their lives. So long as they are not a risk to their welfare. More often than not, adopting this diplomatic, peace upholding position is a risk to our patience, especially when the ex is a vitriolic nightmare, but's it something we have to live with to maintain that peace.

It's good that she is doing her bit. It's really good that you are not left doing this all by yourself. But she does appear to be positioning her pieces on the chess board to spring some sort of attempt to gain more control. So establishing a good rapport with the school and sharing the situation and the current court order is really good advice. They will then be fully aware that she can't just do this and they should raise any hint of concerns with you. Particularly if you explain to the school that mum is having trouble accepting that this is how things are and may be plotting a takeover.

As I have learned with my Final Hearing recently, Human psychology is a powerful tool when handling conflicts and bringing a hostile party to the negotiating table. Both parties want something. Sometimes they want something that benefits them. Even when there is a child involved and it should be all about that child. But try to stop this developing into a full blown battle and keep this out of court if you can by giving her just a little sense of hope, security, comfort. Not false hope or dishonesty, just think of something that satisfies her and reduces the flames of conflict.

You say she won't permit phone calls when he's with her. Do you permit phone calls to mum when he's with you? Maybe this can be used to try and pour some cold water on the flames. Build some bridges. Making positive changes can take down walls as opposed to conflict escalating and walls and barriers getting higher. Maybe suggesting a day and time in the weeks you don't each have your son for a 10 minutes phone or video call.

If clever psychology, diplomacy fails, a court order might be the only solution. Seeing as you have a Child Arrangements Order already in place, and that order states that he must attend a school in Northhants. So removing your son from his school would be a breach of that order and you would need to apply to the court to enforce it. An application related to enforcement of a child arrangements order is a court form C79.

https://assets.publishing.service.g...ttachment_data/file/1105009/C79_0522_save.pdf

It costs £160 to apply to enforce an order.

This scenario is only applicable when the breach has already occurred. If you are concerned that the mother is still plotting to remove your son from your care. A Prohibited Steps Order will prevent one or both parties from removing a child from the care of the other in England & Wales.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1092828/C100_0722_save.pdf

Before making an application for a Child Arrangements Order, Prohibited Steps Order or Specific Issue Order you must first attend a Mediation, Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM). But I'm sure you remember this from your previous experience. Maybe learning that you're prepared to go to court again to enforce the order will make her think twice about making rash decisions and she learns to accept things the way they are.
 
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This useful site lists all court fees. Noticeably the ones that Mothers tend to go for are free! Non molestation and occupation orders! I think enforcement C79 is £232 the same as C100 - although it's less for an enforcement of an enforcement and less for a C2

Family Court Fees - Family Law Decisions

Fees in this article now reflect the rise in force 30th September 2021.
www.familylawdecisions.co.uk www.familylawdecisions.co.uk
 
Ah, apologies. I have confused the C79 with the C2.

Court form C2 is an application for an order or directions in existing proceedings, which cost me £169 exactly if I remember. Court form C79 is to enforce an order after proceeding have concluded. Yes, £232, standard court order application fee.
 
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I had to look it up myself as things keep changing :). And C79 did used to be less than C100 but not any more.
 
I'm probably going back a bit but it used to be £215 for C100 and about £89 I think for C79. Gone up a lot. Especially as enforcement is a joke sometimes.
 
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