Informing children of divorce

[BenjaminV]

We have been going through the divorce process for some months and have not yet told our kids (7&10).
Wife is insisting on telling them soon, but i am concerned that this will be a method to alienate the kids against me. There have been some milder forms of coercion, but our relationship is increasingly strained, and i am worried that informing the kids is a way to start to turn them against me. As i have moved a long way from home, i don't have much of a support network or family around, whereas wife has a large family close by. I am worried that once the kids know about the divorce, wife's family will be able to repeat negative comments about me and start to alienate the kids.

Any advice on how we inform the kids and minimise any negative feelings towards me.

 

[Ash]

Hi and welcome. Are you already separated? The main thing is to get arrangements for the children formalised. Have you reached any agreements? Even if you have they are not binding unless legalised in a court order and it's common for ex's to go back on agreements. I think that is maybe the biggest thing to deal with right now. How and when you tell the kids could tie in with that, so you can both tell them what's been agreed.

You can put an agreement for child arrangements into a consent order, without needing to go to court. For that you'd both need a solicitor for a one off job, to draw up the wording and both solicitors approve it, then it's sent to court. First step for that would probably be mediation and propose to her at mediation that a consent order for Child Arrangements is agreed. If she won't do a consent order then it's a good indication she will mess about and could make it very hard for you to see the kids.

If you're still living in the house, but away for some other reason, then the usual advice is - don't move out without a child arrangements order in place. It can be applied for while you're still living there with a request for the arrangements to commence when you move out.

 

[Jimi]

The ideal is, as Ash says,

A. Don't move out without a CAO (this also has financial ramifications, but I'm just talking about the child arranangements here)
B. Discuss with your ex how you're going to tell the kids
C. Both of you do it from the same page at the same time, so they know what the new arrangements are for when they will see mum and when they will see dad.

However, as you suspect, many mums will not be reasonable and will use this to start to alienate the kids. Which is why you have to stand your ground and agree an CAO now. Either between you or through mediation then rubber stamped by the court

From the kids' perspective, the upset of separation becomes easier with a routine THAT THEY CAN UNDERSTAND EASILY. Eg every other weekend we see Dad. Every Thursday (or whatever) we see Dad. They get used to that and will roll with it quickly, as long as everyone's consistent.

Depending on how hostile she is, Mum may mess with this, then you and your kids are into a whole world of hell, family court etc.

However, if she's reasonable, she will want what's best for the kids and promote it. It completely depends on her personality.

But get a solid, well worded CAO asap, preferably by agreement. You can get advice for what details you need on it here.

Good luck

 

[proud_dad]

The ideal is, as Ash says,

A. Don't move out without a CAO (this also has financial ramifications, but I'm just talking about the child arranangements here)
B. Discuss with your ex how you're going to tell the kids
C. Both of you do it from the same page at the same time, so they know what the new arrangements are for when they will see mum and when they will see dad.

However, as you suspect, many mums will not be reasonable and will use this to start to alienate the kids. Which is why you have to stand your ground and agree an CAO now. Either between you or through mediation then rubber stamped by the court

From the kids' perspective, the upset of separation becomes easier with a routine THAT THEY CAN UNDERSTAND EASILY. Eg every other weekend we see Dad. Every Thursday (or whatever) we see Dad. They get used to that and will roll with it quickly, as long as everyone's consistent.

Depending on how hostile she is, Mum may mess with this, then you and your kids are into a whole world of hell, family court etc.

However, if she's reasonable, she will want what's best for the kids and promote it. It completely depends on her personality.

But get a solid, well worded CAO asap, preferably by agreement. You can get advice for what details you need on it here.

Good luck

Point A from @Jimi a million times over. DO NOT MOVE OUT UNTIL CAO IS SORTED AND DURING THAT TIME BE IS AS INVOLVED AS POSSIBLE AND DOCUMENT INVOLVEMENT!

 

[MagicJ]

We have been going through the divorce process for some months and have not yet told our kids (7&10).
Wife is insisting on telling them soon, but i am concerned that this will be a method to alienate the kids against me.

Children are astute and assuming your relationship has been strained for a while they will already have picked up on the changes albeit they may not specifically know the word Divorce.

what is your relationship like with each of your children, do you do much of the care time routine? how is quality time split between parents? how had that changed now that you are separating?

How to approach this will be very specific to your family and your relationship with the children.

As mentioned already, Staying in the house is important and documenting everything you do for the children is very important as well!

A few things to look at moving forward.

The child centred approach encouraged by Courts and literature is as stated:

- Both parents should agree the message
- Both parents should deliver it together
- Message should be tailored to each child
- It should be clear there is no fault of theirs
- It should be clear this is an adult decision
- It should be clear that the decision is made
- Neither parent should be finger pointing

Any advice on how we inform the kids and minimise any negative feelings towards me.

I will leave it here for now as there is a lot to think about but you can only control your actions and from here on out you need to keep focussed on being available and present for your children, this will help them and you immensely.

Hope this makes sense