Ex- says I’m not the father

[BrassTacks]

I’m undergoing multiple court hearings with my ex related to contact, non-mol, child arrangements incl. species issues / holiday and TOLATA (assets).

She continues to be abusive and swears and threatens me and the children regularly despite undertakings and court orders not to do so.

My ex has just thrown an extraordinary curve ball and said she had an affair and that our son is not mine!
This is despite us planning the pregnancy (we recall when we conceived and we did so on our first attempt).

I asked why she out my name on the birth certificate, and she said for the money.

Any advice on how to deal with this?
1. How do I go about getting paternity tests without any risk of manipulation?

2. Do I include this in existing proceedings - do I need a new application to order paternity tests if she refuses?

3. Any idea of costs if this process?

So so so sad - just so many issues.
My little 5 year old and I have such a good relationship… I’ll be gutted if it’s true.

 

[NewcastleBrownAle]

The court will order a paternity test if it feels necessary and it would be done by an approved company that would verify the identity of the child before taking the sample and be responsible for ensuring it is secure through the testing process and that the results are sent to the court, this process is know as the "chain of custody" and ensures that the sample and results come from the right child for evidential purposes. You don't need to do anything at this stage, let the court decide on how to proceed.

 

[NewcastleBrownAle]

Incidentally, it is a hair sample or cheek scrape ( buccal test), so it is not invasive or painful for the child, just a few strands of hair or run a swab around the inside of the mouth, this is collected by the clinician and sealed in the sample pot by the clinician.

 

[Ash]

Yes I think you should include this as part of court proceedings. Do you have any of that in writing? In a text eg? Or was it just verbal. If she is lying this could really count against her strongly. It sounds to me like some kind of desperate tactic to make you go away so she can have her own way. And also to hurt you. If the court orders a paternity test and it shows she is lying this will be taken extremely seriously, I'm sure. If it proves what she says is true, it will also be taken extremely seriously that she let you think you were the Father.

I do remember one case like this, and not only did the Dad get an order, even though it turned out the child wasn't his, but he also was given residency of the child. The court decided that because he believed he was the Father, he actually was the Father, due to the bond over the years.

 

[Ash]

I believe a court ordered DNA test involves blood samples (at least from a parent).

 

[Ash]

A similar case here. These cases determined that the court can't order blood from a child. The cheek swab testing today is probably much more precise though. But I think it might still involve a blood test from one or both parents.

Re O and J (Paternity: Blood Tests)

Use our Family Law case search tool. You can search by a number of different topics from specific practice areas, public law, to court of protection & citation

www.4pb.com

 

[BrassTacks]

Yes I think you should include this as part of court proceedings. Do you have any of that in writing? In a text eg? Or was it just verbal. If she is lying this could really count against her strongly. It sounds to me like some kind of desperate tactic to make you go away so she can have her own way. And also to hurt you. If the court orders a paternity test and it shows she is lying this will be taken extremely seriously, I'm sure. If it proves what she says is true, it will also be taken extremely seriously that she let you think you were the Father.

I do remember one case like this, and not only did the Dad get an order, even though it turned out the child wasn't his, but he also was given residency of the child. The court decided that because he believed he was the Father, he actually was the Father, due to the bond over the years.

That’s incredibly helpful! Thanks.
Really appreciate the comments - such an unbelievable stress amongst everything else - so hard to deal with

 

[BrassTacks]

A similar case here. These cases determined that the court can't order blood from a child. The cheek swab testing today is probably much more precise though. But I think it might still involve a blood test from one or both parents.

Re O and J (Paternity: Blood Tests)

Use our Family Law case search tool. You can search by a number of different topics from specific practice areas, public law, to court of protection & citation

www.4pb.com

This throws a Very complicated track into the case …. Drags things out and now involves the child legally …. So I’m thinking the local authority will get invited and order a child guardian?

 

[Ash]

It could be a good thing though as it proves that either your ex is reprehensible or a liar. The above is some caselaw but I don't think it would delay your case much to have the court order a dna test. It would be up to a Judge to decide if a Guardian was needed.

 

[Ash]

If you have evidence she's told you this (ie something in writing) then she has committed fraud. But you want to focus on the child arrangements case first. If she's only told you verbally I would carefully try to get something in a text. eg send her one saying how upset you are to find she had an affair and that your daughter is not biologically yours, but as far as you're concerned you have been a Father to her. By putting that in a text, her response could indicate whether or not that's true. Whatever she responds it kind of validates your text. If she doesn't respond then she isn't denying it. If she responds saying anything at all then she is confirming it. The only response that wouldn't validate it would be something like "what are you talking about, of course she's yours" (if she's savvy enough to guess you're trying to get evidence.

 

[BrassTacks]

She told me verbally but I’ve got it recorded and transcribed.

 

[NewcastleBrownAle]

You seem to be in a win win situation. to be honest. If you state to the court that paternity is contested, they will order the tests. If you are not the father, you can claim for fraud and get your money refunded, yet you have a strong bond and probably can still claim parental rights if you so wish. If you are the father, you are in a great position, because you can show that your ex has been manipulative and dishonest. Win Win ! So at the court hearing, claim paternity is contested and sit back and relax!

 

[BrassTacks]

Thanks - let’s hope that is the case

I still see that there are no winners here.
It’s so easy for a mother to turn their kids against a parent…. Can’t imagine it will be hard with the ability to say to a child “he’s not your dad”.
I can’t see how a child can change their views … but from what I read… it’s not possible.

 

[Ash]

I'm not quite sure what you mean there, but yes children can be manipulated against a parent - but that can wear off in days or a couple of weeks and the child revert to normality. The key is to get the best order possible, for the most time possible. Then the child has plenty of time for normality, away from the other parent, and can learn some critical thinking skills and have their own relationship with you. And see that you're the parent who doesn't make them feel bad about the other parent. In the long run this pays off and it also protects the child from constant mental manipulation.

As for claiming any payments back - that depends. Apparently that is possible if the Father has never had any relationship or contact with the child, but not very likely if they've been involved with the child as a parent as it would be seen as supporting the child they cared for and had a relationship with.

But this isn't really about money is it?

 

[BrassTacks]

I'm not quite sure what you mean there, but yes children can be manipulated against a parent - but that can wear off in days or a couple of weeks and the child revert to normality. The key is to get the best order possible, for the most time possible. Then the child has plenty of time for normality, away from the other parent, and can learn some critical thinking skills and have their own relationship with you. And see that you're the parent who doesn't make them feel bad about the other parent. In the long run this pays off and it also protects the child from constant mental manipulation.

As for claiming any payments back - that depends. Apparently that is possible if the Father has never had any relationship or contact with the child, but not very likely if they've been involved with the child as a parent as it would be seen as supporting the child they cared for and had a relationship with.

But this isn't really about money is it?

Thanks for that
Not sure how the issue of payments got into this … I’ve not even considered the costs of brining up the child and then finding out he’s not mine!
I’ve so many costs at the moment, I was asking earlier and thinking how do I get my ex to pay costs of the paternity tests were it a malicious statement and I am indeed the father.

 

[Ash]

I think if the court ordered paternity tests, the cost would be shared between parents. It's possible they might order your ex to pay for it but in most cases any costs are usually shared.

 

[BrassTacks]

I think if the court ordered paternity tests, the cost would be shared between parents. It's possible they might order your ex to pay for it but in most cases any costs are usually shared.

Thanks. That’s helpful! From what I read family issues don’t attract cost orders expert rarely for child payments (but mostly related to CMA)

 

[BrassTacks]

An interesting article about a mother lying about the dad on a birth certificate…. Not quite the same as this situation though….

Mother jailed for lying on birth certificate - Trethowans

News has recently emerged of a mother having been sentenced to eight months imprisonment for lying about the identity of her baby’s father on the birth

www.trethowans.com

 

[Jimi]

I’m undergoing multiple court hearings with my ex related to contact, non-mol, child arrangements incl. species issues / holiday and TOLATA (assets).

She continues to be abusive and swears and threatens me and the children regularly despite undertakings and court orders not to do so.

My ex has just thrown an extraordinary curve ball and said she had an affair and that our son is not mine!
This is despite us planning the pregnancy (we recall when we conceived and we did so on our first attempt).

I asked why she out my name on the birth certificate, and she said for the money.

Any advice on how to deal with this?
1. How do I go about getting paternity tests without any risk of manipulation?

2. Do I include this in existing proceedings - do I need a new application to order paternity tests if she refuses?

3. Any idea of costs if this process?

So so so sad - just so many issues.
My little 5 year old and I have such a good relationship… I’ll be gutted if it’s true.

good advice on the legal side above so nothing to add.

Just to say really sorry mate, that's such a horrible thing to hear from your ex. Try not to let it mess with your head while the facts are found.

Women can be so evil. This sort of thing happens all the time and dads are just supposed to suck it up.

Whatever the outcome, you're dad at this point, your child knows that, and you've done the right thing up to now whatever happens.

Take care of yourself.