Balancing life - New partner & Daughter

[Ash]

I've called mediation again and asked them to sign off to which they agreed. Just waiting for the certificate to come through as I'll be looking to make a court application ASAP.
Ash, I really appreciate your offer to assist and I'd be really grateful for the help.

I emailed the ex also stating when I was due to see her and that I'll plan to pick her up at the usual time, asked if this was ok. As yet I've had no response and I don't expect to get one either. She likes to not respond messages, instead calling me to make all kinds of threats where nothing is documented that can be referred back to.

Thanks again

If she calls, don’t answer. Wait a bit then text back and say you’re a bit tied up right now and could she text instead.

She might not but I doubt the call would have been positive anyway.

They sometines do this to avoid committing anything in writing.

To get started on the C100 have a look at these two resources. The first is a sample of the 5b wording. The second just about what to put on the form in various places.

When you’ve got a 5b draft then I can have a look and we can fine tune it.

Sample wording for C100 application

Attached are two versions of sample wording for section 5b of the C100 form. The sample wording assumes it's for a Child Arrangements Application. One version is more of a straightforward application. The other version is more for if...

dadswithkids.co.uk

How to complete the C100 Form

We thought a guide to completing the form could be useful. This is the C100 form for applying for a Child Arrangements Order, Specific Issues Order or Prohibited Steps Order. C100 form on .Gov website If you scroll down the page you will see...

dadswithkids.co.uk

 

[Deakers]

If she calls, don’t answer. Wait a bit then text back and say you’re a bit tied up right now and could she text instead.

She might not but I doubt the call would have been positive anyway.

They sometines do this to avoid committing anything in writing.

To get started on the C100 have a look at these two resources. The first is a sample of the 5b wording. The second just about what to put on the form in various places.

When you’ve got a 5b draft then I can have a look and we can fine tune it.

Sample wording for C100 application

Attached are two versions of sample wording for section 5b of the C100 form. The sample wording assumes it's for a Child Arrangements Application. One version is more of a straightforward application. The other version is more for if...

dadswithkids.co.uk

How to complete the C100 Form

We thought a guide to completing the form could be useful. This is the C100 form for applying for a Child Arrangements Order, Specific Issues Order or Prohibited Steps Order. C100 form on .Gov website If you scroll down the page you will see...

dadswithkids.co.uk

Thanks Ash, working on filling this out today / tomorrow to send over my draft. Again, thank you.

Not sure if you remember me stating in my previous replies/post but initially when me and the ex separated we agreed between ourselves that things would be 50/50. We never achieved that. When we split my ex assumed full control and I was worried pushing it would rock the boat... i know, there's a theme. I wish I had been stronger from the start. Anyway, from the split I would see my daughter regularly, taking her to childminders, picking her up, bathing her, putting her to bed, looking after all her needs as any dad would. Only issue was that I was not staying in the family home anymore (i moved out to prevent any further volatile situations around my daughter).

After 3 months of this setup, My ex moved into her new place and I moved back into my house. At this point she stated that she wasn't happy with 50/50 and that I would have 3 overnights per week. I argued this but felt I couldn't push too much. She wanted to ease our daughter into living in a new home with her mum which I understood so we started at 1 night per week. This progressed to 2 overnights. At this point my ex said she wouldn't allow any more than 2 nights per week. Again I pushed this minimally. We went to mediation and after a couple of sessions I settled on a care rota which gave me on average 2.5 nights per week. I settled because I didn't want any more arguments and I wanted a settled period. Although this was agreed at mediation, this was never court ordered.

The rota we had in place was that I have every Tuesday night, and all day on Wednesday. Then we work weekends on a shared basis , we both work the equivalent of 1 in 3 weekends. So this works out as 1 weekend with me, 1 weekend with the ex, 1 weekend split. This works out kind of the same as a fixed day in the week and then every other weekend with me, in theory.

My point is, I've never wanted anything other than 50/50 for my daughter. Its important for me that she has equal time with both me and her mum and our extended families. Although I've always been too scared to push things too far in fear I would end up with less.

Can I request 50/50 now when applying to court? Is this wise?

 

[Ash]

Yes and it's a good idea. Then you have room to negotiate down if necessary.

 

[Deakers]

I've just had my sign off certificate through. The mediator has selected the option which states 'The following MIAM exemption applies:' and then picked the sub heading of 'mediation is otherwise not suitable as a means of resolving the dispute'.

Is this ok to proceed?

 

[Ash]

Yes. The mediator has been helpful there as that reason gets you off explaining why you didn’t try mediation.

 

[Deakers]

Yes. The mediator has been helpful there as that reason gets you off explaining why you didn’t try mediation.

Hi Ash, I have drafter a 5b but I feel I need some assistance with it. Could you have a look over it ?

 

[Ash]

Yep

 

[Deakers]

Update to my situation.
After just a week of my ex stopping my daughter spending time with me, I get an out the blue phone call today from mediation saying that my ex has been on to them stating that she wants to reinstate my time with our daughter.

Between today and my last few posts, social services have been involved and called me stating that my ex has made allegations about my current partner. They asked me some questions and said that basically they had no concerns, would be closing things from their end and would be contacting my ex to advise that she reinstates my time with my daughter.

After the phone call from mediation today I get a message asking me if I wanted my daughter today and tonight. So obviously I went and picked her up.

I'm wondering now what's going on and if there's more to it all than what I think. I feel like she's not playing things very clever as she made claims to social services saying she had safeguarding concerns etc. Yet my daughter is in bed at my house as I write this message. If she had safeguarding concerns, but then let's me have my daughter , surely court are going to laugh her out the door. Surely she knows that too?

My concern now is that applying to court when my time has been reinstated (hopefully not just short term) would mean they look at my situation and don't look at what I'm requesting (50/50) and order that we both continue with the planned rota. Which averages at 2.5 nights per week.

I know that's still a good deal compared to what most get.

 

[Ash]

Don't worry about that. Just put in the 50/50 application. It sounds like social services have told her she is harming her daugher by stopping the time and scared her a bit.

 

[Peanut 21]

Yep, continue with application. She's shown you what she can do once so she may do it again.

 

[dazg]

I had some great advice about these sort of thoughts.

My ex would happily see me nothing. And happily see my children without their dad. There's every chance a lot of the dads on here have similar women angling and positioning against them.

There is still that little bit of me that keeps thinking she's going to return to the kind woman I knew but, she isn't.

You have to put yourself and your child first. Do not allow yourself to fall into the trap of assuming that there's any sentiment or kindness that will be returned to. Your ex has turned this into a business transaction and you've got to try and remove all emotions and do everything you can to secure your future with your child and get the best order possible.

This all sounds so cold, but it's where so many of us are.

Ive only really understood this myself recently - our children deserve the best versions of their dad and we shouldn't allow anything to stop that.

How true that is "return to the kind of woman I knew", I honestly thought my ex wife was intelligent, how wrong I am. Money seems to be their main goal in this sort of thing, not being a good, amicable parent passes them by, they soon forget the things we do not just for them but our children. Unfortunately we live in a very selfish world driven by greed, not all of us obviously, but the vast majority of people, I really don't get why some parents use their children as pawns in some twisted game, ultimately I think it's them who needlessly suffer. I didn't allow a woman I was seeing not so long back to live with me for fear of losing my house or the fact of having to pay her money if we split up after a few years, that's why I live on my own and always will do till the day I die.

 

[MrGoody308]

I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing in your current relationship due to co-parenting concerns. It's understandable to be anxious about introducing your current partner to your daughter, especially with the potential consequences.

In this situation, it's crucial to prioritize your daughter's well-being and maintain a healthy co-parenting relationship with your ex. Consider discussing your concerns with a family mediator or counselor who can help navigate the complexities of blended families and co-parenting. They can provide guidance on how to introduce your partner in a way that minimizes conflict.

Remember, open communication with your ex about your intentions and the importance of your current partner in your life might also help. Ultimately, it's about finding a balance that ensures your daughter's best interests are at the forefront of your decisions.

 

[Deakers]

Evening all. Apologies for dragging up my old thread (I'm a novice in forum etiquette!!)

I need some further assistance and I've got nowhere to turn to.

So I had my FHDRA today. Representing myself, naively, thinking I'm just a dad after what's fair for his daughter..... It seems in the most part only dads think this way.

Day started off with CAFCASS , quick meeting. Lady was very very blunt asking me specifically what it is I want out of my CA order, she wanted days and times and I said to her 'look me and the ex work shifts and our schedule is all over the place. I want a court order that states lives with both parents on a 50:50 shared care basis' she just didn't get that it might change from one week to the next... Anyway, very blunt and not very accommodating. But I was expecting that.

Next, I CAFCASS came out to the holding room to state that they cannot get an agreement with my ex and her solicitor, and that her solicitor would be coming to speak to me soon. Surely enough she did, also a blunt individual who thinks every dad is a deadbeat. She asked what I wanted, I repeated my order. She asked how, I said 2-2-5-5 schedule. She responded surprised and shocked at the sheer cheek of me asking for my daughter to be with me for 5 days without seeing mum. Even though in the current sched, 100% dictated by her, the same happens to me quite often.

Then court. Judge asked what I wanted, then asked why. My exact line was 'my daughter has a right to an equal, loving, stable, consistent relationship with both parents'. I got shot down.
He pointed out how it's not right. Then asked me if I would consider reducing my time overall in some plan he had hashed together on the spot. I declined.

Final hearing scheduled for July.
There's no safeguarding or welfare concerns, CAFCASS have been dismissed. There's no allegations from the ex either.

Basically I've got severe imposter syndrome. There's no reason I shouldn't get 50/50 shared care. Not one. But now I'm thinking...

Should I get a solicitor or barrister? I can't afford either.
Should I offer something less and try to settle before the hearing?

Can anyone help?

 

[Resolute]

This is how I read the situation.

There was only going to be a final order today if it was by agreement. The court and Cafcass didn't really care what outcome was agreed, because there were no welfare concerns for the child either way.

They knew that your ex's solicitor was not going to give ground. The preference was for your case not to take up court time.

I think you handled the situation well. It is hard to see what other outcome was available.

Court is very daunting. We are imposters when we are there by ourselves trying to weave our way through Cafcass, a solicitor and a judge.

In my view you should:

do anything possible to have a barrister for the final hearing. You should be able to get one worth having for 3 grand.

Forget about the idea of a solicitor.

Correspondend with a view towards settling by agreement. But, do not offer anything less. Just show a willingness and see what offers come from the other side.

 

[MagicJ]

Given what you described will only touch the surface of the pressure and emotions you will have had you held yourself well and did you self proud standing your ground.

Headed to FH under those circumstances, that's exactly where you wanted the next step to be.

Second @Resolute , a good DAB for FH will be worth it.

 

[Deakers]

This is how I read the situation.

There was only going to be a final order today if it was by agreement. The court and Cafcass didn't really care what outcome was agreed, because there were no welfare concerns for the child either way.

They knew that your ex's solicitor was not going to give ground. The preference was for your case not to take up court time.

I think you handled the situation well. It is hard to see what other outcome was available.

Court is very daunting. We are imposters when we are there by ourselves trying to weave our way through Cafcass, a solicitor and a judge.

In my view you should:

do anything possible to have a barrister for the final hearing. You should be able to get one worth having for 3 grand.

Forget about the idea of a solicitor.

Correspondend with a view towards settling by agreement. But, do not offer anything less. Just show a willingness and see what offers come from the other side.

As always from this site, that's reassuring and some good advice I just would think of on my own.

Sat in that holding room yesterday questioning if I'm the bad guy here. Mad. Why someone is looked at negatively for wanting the best for their child is beyond me.

Thanks for that

 

[Deakers]

Given what you described will only touch the surface of the pressure and emotions you will have had you held yourself well and did you self proud standing your ground.

Headed to FH under those circumstances, that's exactly where you wanted the next step to be.

Second @Resolute , a good DAB for FH will be worth it.

Yes awful day. The ex burst out crying as soon as we went into court and I felt awful. But why. They don't feel awful for giving our kids an unfair deal.

Cheers. I'll explore all options to get a DAB in place. Any idea how long before the hearing I'll have to instruct? I've got 4 weeks to prepare a statement

 

[MagicJ]

Yes awful day. The ex burst out crying as soon as we went into court and I felt awful. But why. They don't feel awful for giving our kids an unfair deal.

Cheers. I'll explore all options to get a DAB in place. Any idea how long before the hearing I'll have to instruct? I've got 4 weeks to prepare a statement

Generally speaking good Barristers are booked up in advance - when is the next hearing, have you had a date already?

For context, I've had 3 different Barristers so far, the one I want originally was not available.
Whereas the one I started with turned out to be really good but couldn't stay as they were booked for 4 months in advance!

The quickest approach is to select a couple of good chambers that have DAB's for your region then phone them up & ask for a selection to meet your date. In the meantime, review the Barristers for each chamber & shortlist the one's that fit your list, you can then compare the two.

The best approach is to do it the other way around, select the one's you want from the top few chambers then email/ring & ask for their availability.
Albeit it's much of muchness either way around - hopefully, one of the one's you want is available!

 

[Ash]

It's an unpleasant business isn't it and it's harder when you're not represented and everyone seems to be ganging up on you. You did very well though and it's going straight to a final hearing, which is really good news. The important thing now is to have a really good witness statement - you'll need to allow about two weeks to work on it so you can put it to one side for a day or two and come back to it again. And tie in any evidence you're attaching with the wording of the statement. It's a bit like constructing a big essay with references. The statement also needs to be 100% truthful and accurate as you'll be cross examined by the other side's lawyer and they will try and prove you're lying about something.

A final hearing is a very formal, legal process, and the aim is to undermine the other party's statement and prove they are lying and if you can do that you basically win your case. In addition to that, a barrister can do verbal submissions and arguments and persuade a Judge with case law. So as mentioned above, your best chance of getting 50/50 is if you have a direct access barrister for the final hearing. A direct access barrister for you, would also write up the final order, which means it will be correct! If you self rep, your ex's lawyer will write up the order and will probably try to have loopholes in it and it can be difficult to get good wording on a final order then. They will have to put what was ordered but - there are ways of wording things. And they sometimes add all kinds of unnecessary stuff to suit the ex.

 

[Deakers]

I dont suppose anyone is confident with position statements and would have a look over what I'm putting forward for my final hearing please?