Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[bear23]

Thanks so much for all thos advice. I will try these.
That's what hurts me the most seeing that she's torn.
We used to be so close and she knew I never told her mom what she told me. It was the court that let me down. I sent evidence off and despite me mentioning not to allow the mother to see it no idea what happened but she did. Since then its obvious her mum has made sure there are consequences if she tells me anything. I know this because at the start of her mum stopping her telling me thing she would open up a little crying telling me I need to you something but I can't because she will best me.
Kills me inside it really does.
I advise her when she was junior school to tell a teacher if she needed to. Think she did as mum was investigated by children's services but it was dropped.
Always sit wonder as a father would I be able to obtain what happened there? See the allegations etc...

Regarding docs and school after the long battle of her telling lies to them that I'm an estranged father with no parental responsibility they have to proof and I'm down as a parent. At some stage I felt like a nuisance to them fighting to get my place.

 

[Ash]

She's protecting herself. She can't trust anyone - you, teachers or anyone. Because she can see that no-one has power over her Mother. Let her work things out her own way and protect herself. She'll stop being intimidated by your ex as she gets older and bigger in the next 2 or 3 years. Just be that safe haven she can come to where things are calm and normal, she isn't questioned or yelled at or threatened. It will pay off.

 

[bear23]

When I obtained the medical records I found out in October she fractured a finger 2cdays later she came to mine without the finger splint and no word about it. I know her mum has told her not to tell me. But why????

Found out she hasn't sent her for asthma review for years and the school discovered her eye slightly inverts when she had her reception age eye test and mom ignored all eye hospital letters to eventually they stated after failed attempts she is to contact docs if she wants to book eye check at eye hospital.

 

[Richie1989]

Try and distract her into normal things, don't ask any questions, don't mention her Mother. Check out this book - you can dip into it - I found it incredibly helpful. It's written by a PA specialist

Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You eBook : Baker, Amy J. L., Fine, Paul R: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store

Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You eBook : Baker, Amy J. L., Fine, Paul R: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store

www.amazon.co.uk

Absolutely! Reading books about co parenting with a narcissist really helped me understand certain things. My triggers, her triggers and how not to get sucked in emotional so they know they have got you. Don’t bite, focus on daughter and always prioritise what’s best for your kids and you.

I have read a few now and they definitely help that’s for sure

 

[Alocacoc]

When I obtained the medical records I found out in October she fractured a finger 2cdays later she came to mine without the finger splint and no word about it. I know her mum has told her not to tell me. But why????

Found out she hasn't sent her for asthma review for years and the school discovered her eye slightly inverts when she had her reception age eye test and mom ignored all eye hospital letters to eventually they stated after failed attempts she is to contact docs if she wants to book eye check at eye hospital.

withholding medical info is a major sign of brainwashing, shes probably rewrote the childs memories that your to blame

understand your damned if you do damned if you dont.

your daughter will be conditioned to report back on everything you do, shes probably found her mom rewards her with attention when she report any less than perfect moment.

the stuff ive heard about me are insane. if I went on bet365 for 5 minutes "Im selfish with a gambling problem"

if my mom lay on her bed speaking to the grandaughter and having a nice chat, this wouldnt be good enough either "so your telling me the only night they get to see you she sat on her bed talking to you-god there so self centred"

the once she messaged me and said "all the times she has had to comfort her as she has broke down in her arms" Ive never dropped my daughter off unhappy, so christ knows what the two of them talk about

 

[bujanin]

Some advice I was given at the time by a parenting professional as well - which worked well. It was treat the situation with empathy. Ie your daughter is in this struggle and on her own - she can’t turn to either parent.

Yes this is the thing. Your daughter having to go through what they refer to as 'psychological splitting' as she tries to bounce between the two of you. In a stable family home there are different personalities for kids to interact with but in that non hostile environment they can flow easily. Having to move between two parents post separation can affect their wellbeing and development so empathy is the word, it's an unmanageable situation for them really.

 

[bear23]

Thanks everyone.
I had a chat with mediation who looked at my current court order.
I was the one who took mom to court for it so I could see my daughter. It also clearly states the dad is to have an active role in my daughters life.
Now with this being in the court order apparently mom is breaching due to the barriers and restrictions she put up claiming to school and doctors I have no parental responsibility at all.
When my daughter approached me about her inhalers that we out of date 2 months ago I have emails of the mom emailing me being hostile towards me telling me to back off all just because I booked an appointment to see the asthma nurse. After the loooong battle of proving I'm the dad and I have parental responsibility again I have emails backwards and forwards from docs of the mom preventing this. I managed to get the medical records to discover she's hadn't bothered to take my daughter for asthma review for years! My daughter is under instructions never to talk to me about her medical issues but desperately had to as she was struggling with her asthma.
Do you think mediation are correct I can go with breach? They even suggested mentioned she's coming inbetween me and my daughter with her alienation.

Also advised to fill c100 too to have order amended to put in there about medical and being down at school. Also when it comes to fathers day and it's the mom weekend I'm not allowed to see her fathers day. So it has been suggested I put that in.

 

[Ash]

I think her behaviour is certainly bad and “abrogating “ your PR but I’m not sure that would be classed as a breach of the order either. I think you would be better applying to vary the order rather than enforcing it as enforcement doesn’t do much.

Technically you’re in breach for missing that week end - any changes to the order need to be agreed in writing between parents. That doesn’t matter particularly at the moment.

The thing to be wary of is increasing your ex’s hostility as that will pass on to your daughter and ex will try and turn her against you or just put daughter under so much pressure that she feels she has to take sides.

So I’d be very low key in dealing with things, never react to anything and word things carefully. At 11 your ex will probably push for “more flexibility “ and child choosing what she waves to do.

At this age and in these circumstances the most important thing is to keep your daughter coming and let her see that time with you is a calm pleasant place to be where no one puts her under pressure. Deal with your ex with biff emails to ensure your communications are all polite and reasonable - that can have leverage.

I wouldn’t apply to court just yet - just keep your daughter coming. You said she’s being sent to you for Christmas - make that a good relaxed time and never say anything negative about the ex to daughter or it puts her in the middle and will affect her.

Yes Fathers Day should have been in the order but it might be a bit late for that now. There could be more of a focus on “child’s wishes” at this age in court and your ex will pressurise your daughter to tell Cafcass what ex wants her to say. In her twelfth year her “wishes” will be taken seriously.

I suggest letting things cool down a bit until the new year - your daughter is coming for Christmas. Keep things low key - ensure you have a nice time.

Yes ex should tell you about medical issues but probably won’t. Keep an eye on the asthma - if it gets bad when she’s with you, take her to the Doctirs. If she needs her reliever inhaler and it’s not getting relief then take her to A&E. They coujd sort an immediate relief medication and then write to her GP where she’ll need a follow up.