Withholding Child

[StressedDad]

No not yet - doesnt start until tail end of next year otherwise I would have said from school - I'm also considering saying the pickup on the monday will need to be another family members in a different town as the current arrangement doesnt work and I cant rely on the family member who was sorting it before, I know its pedantic but it's to shake off this last bit of control she has over me, is that worth trying?

Second to that it was to say it cant continue at my parents and she has to be picked up from my house on the Monday - just wondering what's your thoughts with a less 'jaded and emotional' view as I have - essentially they are being difficult and whilst stupid I'm no longer prepared to put up with it and will do just the same until they be reasonable but I need to err on the side of caution in case it did go back to court if you know what i mean?

 

[Ash]

Unless it says "Mother to collect child from Father's home" in the court order I think you'll be pushed to get anything like that, unless she agrees to it.

Think of the most child friendly way to do handovers and then propose that to her. It's a shame your order didn't include a future clause for say "when child commences school, all collections and drop offs will be directly to and from school by parents on their respective care days".

I can see you might have to go back to court around that time as I can imagine her saying she does all school pickups and drop offs and you have to collect child later or something.

 

[StressedDad]

Thanks Ash - it just states times she should be with me rather than location.

I've provided 4 different options but shock I've not received a reply and now concerned they try to verbally mention something to the family member completing handover tomorrow - I take it they should just say she needs to speak to me to arrange.

I've said the current setup for handover cant continue in the long term (picking up from city centre which is a bit of a distance) so surely that's me advising that the previous arrangement is unsuitable and not in the best interest of my daughter.

The locations I've proposed are my house or somewhere more closely 'half-way' between both homes, if they don't agree then can i play the court order 'card' and say that she needs to be in my care at X time and if she isnt then they would be in breach of the order as I've tried to politely setup an alternative location? They changed the handover location before and I felt I had no choice but to go with it but I'm in a bit of a sticky wicket but want to be assertive when the time comes.... which as much as I wish it didnt, with her I know it will as she wants to maintain some form of control over me now that court has mostly ruled in my favour

 

[Ash]

The location aspect is tricky. If the court order states a time and day then your ex's obligation is to "make the child available" to collect at that time and day if the child lives with her. That is usually interpreted as being from ex's home. If she is playing silly xxxxx's and making the child available at a location that's difficult for you to get to, then you're supposed to try and work something out, yes. But it's not really making a child available if it's somewhere you can't get to. Having said all that, she doesn't have to take the child anywhere and the onus would be on you to collect and drop off at Mum's house, which is the norm usually.

You've made a number of suggestions, but if she's awkward she'll do the opposite of what you want! Thing is, she has no obligation to take child anywhere at all really - she only has to "make her available" for collection. So she is basically saying - I will take her here and that's all I'm doing. The alternative is you go to ex's house to collect child or request she drops child off at your house (which she doesn't want to and doesn't have to).

Would it be possible for you to just collect her and drop her off at ex's house, or propose alternating collections and drop offs (ie you collect from ex and she collects from you?)

 

[StressedDad]

Yeah I thought that might be a tricky aspect as it's not clearly stated and is just times in the order.

I've had a reply... from my ex rather than her partner stating that all drop offs will be at the previously agreed location as its not her responsibility to provide me with transport (I wasnt questioning that) and she only needs to provide contact as in handing over; she's halved the journey for our child and this location was agreed as she doesnt feel comfortable doing handover with me so wants safety measures in place due to recent behaviours that keep happening (this will be me checking on funding etc with nursery on my solicitors advice but she's now accusing my sister and mother 'hiding' around the corner to take me home in the car... this is out of context, they are parking safely on occasion to take me home but not all the time). She then states I've been told no twice about changing the location and this is another time (I said I'd prefer my house but provided some other alternatives more equally halfway than current but she ignored this)

She then said if i keep asking her to provide transport she'll take it to the police and report it as harassment?! Then states i need to respect her decision that she's made for our childs safety and I have no real concerns other than its cold for our child.

Not sure how best to respond as I feel I need to clarify the accusations she's made and make it clear it isnt harassment as she's just going to try and use that again in the future... even though she's pleaded guilty to abusing me but is using my mistake against me vindictively - I guess I may need to keep the handover as is but I really feel the need to point out she's wrong and it's close to slander what she is saying about me in my opinion

 

[StressedDad]

Would welcome anyone's suggestions to the above as don't want to do the wrong thing

 

[StayStrong]

Would welcome anyone's suggestions to the above as don't want to do the wrong thing

I read this last night and I'm of the same view now.

Let it be. This is a battle in a war, to lose this doesn't mean the war is lost too.

I know it will hurt, I know you want to defend yourself against heartless crap, I know you have a child's best interests at the fore front of your mind. I also know that respondin/fighting is futile.

Good luck, SS.

 

[StressedDad]

Thanks SS, really appreciate all the help everyone gives - I completely understand what you say and you're absolutely right that this is one battle within the war but my issue is she is so vindictive she will use anything and everything against me so I feel the need to rebuke any false allegations or insinuations especially around harrassment (I was literally thinking of my child and what's safest for her but again my ex has twisted it)/

She even brought false, made up allegations into the court hearing so she really has no boundaries she won't cross.

 

[StayStrong]

Thanks SS, really appreciate all the help everyone gives - I completely understand what you say and you're absolutely right that this is one battle within the war but my issue is she is so vindictive she will use anything and everything against me so I feel the need to rebuke any false allegations or insinuations especially around harrassment (I was literally thinking of my child and what's safest for her but again my ex has twisted it)/

She even brought false, made up allegations into the court hearing so she really has no boundaries she won't cross.

There will be a time to rebuke allegations, it is not now. Leave it on file.

You are a better person by doing this, and while giving ground is never pleasant the moral high ground remains yours.

Take care, SS.