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Trying to organise Child arrangement issues

Main thing is - no pillow. Also no duvets and a safe mattress for a cot bed, and a room thermometer, in my view. So they don't get overheated. My son just had a cotton blanket like this. I had a couple of them. He had them till he was about three. They can't regulate body temperature.

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I'm sure others will have a few tips too but also you'll need to agree with your ex on which type things to use. I think car seat is important - I had a crap one at first and was lucky but I changed it to a Which recommended one for safety.

Also apologies as you may know all this already and be perfectly organised.
 
Hi. Very sound advice from the others there. I think one of the sayings I have now learned to live by after dealing with my own family court court case is, "never make an important decision when you're emotional." Be that angry, hurt, upset or whatever. Suddenly having this little life form that you have created has just as much emotional impact for a man as it does a women, and as you have stated above, you have found yourself besotted. Which is amazing to read (some blokes, run a mile). So it's important to acknowledge that these powerful new father emotions you are now feeling could make you pull the trigger on something you may live to regret.

Never forget that in todays world, at least in the UK now, you have just as many rights to your child as mum does. Remind yourself of that when mum is being a bit difficult. The court process is not a place I would want anyone to end up, especially when your post baby relationship does seem to be a bit better than most. You have open, conflict free dialogue. You have a 10 year friendship as a foundation. You are spending time one-to-one. It may not be your ideal arrangement yet but it will I'm sure.

Threatening court typically gets the mother on the defensive and before you know it you're no longer referring to her as "the mother", she's become "the respondent", "the other party", and it all gets very uncomfortable, bitter and expensive.

It's not selfish or unreasonable to want some stability in your life as opposed to never knowing what's happening until the last minute so explaining this dilemma to baby mum, neatly wrapping it with expressing that you're not trying to be difficult, you want to help and support and be as flexible as you can but...a bit more notice would make life easier for all.

Human psychology is a powerful tool. She needs you just as much as you want time. They often threaten that they don't care, they'll get family to help and make you feel like you're being pushed out, but this isn't realistic. Extended family soon grow weary of being a regular babysitter. Her family have given her great advice. That is key. Some families only create or add to the conflict.

This is the ace up your sleeve. You are her break and gateway to "me time." But play the card wisely.

Others may have their own take but I feel the threshold for applying to court is when it becomes totally impossible to make arrangements.

You're thankfully a long way away from this. Keeping a cool head and maintaining a good relationship with diplomatic dialogue should keep it that way.
 
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Resolute said:
That is absolutely fantastic!

Do you have all the kit you need for having overnight? Things like a bottle steriliser, bassinet/crib/moses basket, bottles, formula, gro-bag, temperature monitor... If there is anything you need to get, feel free to ask for product recommendations.

Have you asked mum about normal feeding and nap routine? Mine was napping 2 or 3 times a day at that age.

I really hope this goes ahead, what incredible progress it would be.
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Thanks very much, I’ve had the full kit since day one, sterilisers, anticolic bottles, nappies, formula, 1st aid things etc, next to me crib. I use all these when he comes for the day I’ve also asked his mum if I’m missing anything but so far so good.

I know I’ll be too scared to sleep the 1st few times and will be awake staring at him Hah. Also have my mum with me for support (done this a million times as foster carer)

thanks all for advice and offers it’s very kind
 
Ash said:
Main thing is - no pillow. Also no duvets and a safe mattress for a cot bed, and a room thermometer, in my view. So they don't get overheated. My son just had a cotton blanket like this. I had a couple of them. He had them till he was about three. They can't regulate body temperature.

Buy JoJo Maman Bébé White Woven Cellular Blanket from the Next UK online shop

Shop for JoJo Maman Bébé White Woven Cellular Blanket at Next.co.uk. Next day delivery and free returns to store. 1000s of products online. Buy JoJo Maman Bébé White Woven Cellular Blanket now!
www3.next.co.uk www3.next.co.uk

I'm sure others will have a few tips too but also you'll need to agree with your ex on which type things to use. I think car seat is important - I had a crap one at first and was lucky but I changed it to a Which recommended one for safety.

Also apologies as you may know all this already and be perfectly organised.
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Please dont apologise at all it’s much appreciated.

I basically got everything that’s exactly same as her, down to nappies and dummies.

with car seats/pram I’ve cheated a bit and gone 2nd hand but they are like new
 
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Sorry if raising these issues came across as patronising. I just thought there is loads of experience on the forum if you have to get things together in a hurry.

It sounds like you are perfectly prepared.
 
Kyle said:
Hi. Very sound advice from the others there. I think one of the sayings I have now learned to live by after dealing with my own family court court case is, "never make an important decision when you're emotional." Be that angry, hurt, upset or whatever. Suddenly having this little life form that you have created has just as much emotional impact for a man as it does a women, and as you have stated above, you have found yourself besotted. Which is amazing to read (some blokes, run a mile). So it's important to acknowledge that these powerful new father emotions you are now feeling could make you pull the trigger on something you may live to regret.

Never forget that in todays world, at least in the UK now, you have just as many rights to your child as mum does. Remind yourself of that when mum is being a bit difficult. The court process is not a place I would want anyone to end up, especially when your post baby relationship does seem to be a bit better than most. You have open, conflict free dialogue. You have a 10 year friendship as a foundation. You are spending time one-to-one. It may not be your ideal arrangement yet but it will I'm sure.

Threatening court typically gets the mother on the defensive and before you know it you're no longer referring to her as "the mother", she's become "the respondent", "the other party", and it all gets very uncomfortable, bitter and expensive.

It's not selfish or unreasonable to want some stability in your life as opposed to never knowing what's happening until the last minute so explaining this dilemma to baby mum, neatly wrapping it with expressing that you're not trying to be difficult, you want to help and support and be as flexible as you can but...a bit more notice would make life easier for all.

Human psychology is a powerful tool. She needs you just as much as you want time. They often threaten that they don't care, they'll get family to help and make you feel like you're being pushed out, but this isn't realistic. Extended family soon grow weary of being a regular babysitter. Her family have given her great advice. That is key. Some families only create or add to the conflict.

This is the ace up your sleeve. You are her break and gateway to "me time." But play the card wisely.

Others may have their own take but I feel the threshold for applying to court is when it becomes totally impossible to make arrangements.

You're thankfully a long way away from this. Keeping a cool head and maintaining a good relationship with diplomatic dialogue should keep it that way.
Click to expand...
Perfectly put and I agree with everything here 100%

Have had a bit of a moment today which has pee’d me off, he has an appointment with his surgeon next week to fix his health issue, she told me that she’s going with her mum as “she’s been there for me since the begiNing” a bit of a dig at me, and for me not to go.

Im going to let it slide but through very gritted teeth
 
Resolute said:
Sorry if raising these issues came across as patronising. I just thought there is loads of experience on the forum if you have to get things together in a hurry.

It sounds like you are perfectly prepared.
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Please no, not at all, hope I didn’t come across like that, genuinely grateful for all your help
 
Bigredmachine said:
Perfectly put and I agree with everything here 100%

Have had a bit of a moment today which has pee’d me off, he has an appointment with his surgeon next week to fix his health issue, she told me that she’s going with her mum as “she’s been there for me since the begiNing” a bit of a dig at me, and for me not to go.

Im going to let it slide but through very gritted teeth
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Good you've got everything organised and with your ex' approval. I did the same - my ex said we had to have everything identical in each home and I just accepted her choices. The one thing I'd say though is second hand car seats are not advised. Second hand prams are fine. And my first car seat was second hand as I knew no different. But the safety people are hot on never using a second hand one as you never know if it's been in an accident and not properly functional any more. But they are very expensive new - the good ones. But you can get some that expand with size as they grow.

I am not surprised you're unhappy she is taking him to a surgeon without you being there. Both parents have the right to be there if there is a medical issue, whether she is taking her Mum or not. Is it for an operation? You could say you would like to be at the hospital too and see your child after the operation.
 
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Ash said:
Good you've got everything organised and with Mum's approval. I did the same - my ex said we had to have everything identical in each home and I just accepted her choices. The one thing I'd say though is second hand car seats are not advised. Second hand prams are fine. And my first car seat was second hand as I knew no different. But the safety people are hot on never using a second hand one as you never know if it's been in an accident and not properly functional any more. But they are very expensive new - the good ones. But you can get some that expand with size as they grow.

I am not surprised you're unhappy she is taking him to a surgeon without you being there. Both parents have the right to be there if there is a medical issue, whether she is taking her Mum or not. Is it for an operation? You could say you would like to be at the hospital too and see your child after the operation.
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Yes the car seat was bought off a family friend who used it once (mother was too scared for baby to go in a car)

This is just a chat with surgeon about an operation to fix an issue he was born with (not life threatening)

When it comes to the actual operation I think I’ll put my foot down to be there.

Ive not seen her mum since before she was pregnan, I have the impression she hates me for not being involved the 1st 4 months when she wouldn’t agree to paternity
 
Car seat sounds ok then :-) I would still want to go to the hospital and be involved with hearing what the surgeon has to say personally, not just feedback from your ex. Any operation will need the consent of both parents - providing your ex is clear that there is another parent who needs to give consent (my ex used to do these things unilaterally).

I wonder if giving you this extra time is a kind of carrot so you don't make a fuss about the medical appointment (because obviously if you raise it now you'd be worried she might cancel the extra time now).

Maybe you will have to let this one go, but I would message her in advance and ask her to give the hospital the contact details of both parents and for copies of any letters to be sent to both parents.
 
Ash said:
Car seat sounds ok then :) I would still want to go to the hospital and be involved with hearing what the surgeon has to say personally, not just feedback from your ex. Any operation will need the consent of both parents - providing your ex is clear that there is another parent who needs to give consent (my ex used to do these things unilaterally).

I wonder if giving you this extra time is a kind of carrot so you don't make a fuss about the medical appointment (because obviously if you raise it now you'd be worried she might cancel the extra time now).

Maybe you will have to let this one go, but I would message her in advance and ask her to give the hospital the contact details of both parents and for copies of any letters to be sent to both parents.
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Tbf she offered the time before the hospital got in touch today so cant give That one.

I imagine that the surgery will be happening in next few months so we shall see what that brings
 
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