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Relationship with EX
- Thread starter Oneofmany
- Start date
Really good question and would be interested in others responses. I've had my CAO in place for coming on a year now however finances continue to drag on. I struggle to see how I can personally have any form of relationship with the ex, mainly down to her inability to work at co-parenting and to simply be nice and polite but again, interested to hear from others.
I do not think it is possible to have a functioning relationship after false allegations. The person who made the allegations would have too far to climb down. I would be willing to make the effort given the opportunity. Anything to restore a little normality for the child.
I honestly believe that people get through by convincing themselves of their own lies. I fear there is no way back.
I honestly believe that people get through by convincing themselves of their own lies. I fear there is no way back.
Difficult to see how it could be genuine from my point of view.
My ex would still happily see me rot. For my children to not have a relationship with their living father and take my home and all of my resources. She would do it in a heartbeat and there is no reasonable explanation for her hatred of me.
There's a saying, "I hate you so because I loved you so."
Time does all sorts to a human being but I don't see any reconciliation in our future. And, even if there was, there'd be no substance in it.
I have thought about it though.
I'm not interested in apologies, but if any sort of relationship were to be possible, I'd need to know the answers to all of the "why" questions I have .
My ex would still happily see me rot. For my children to not have a relationship with their living father and take my home and all of my resources. She would do it in a heartbeat and there is no reasonable explanation for her hatred of me.
There's a saying, "I hate you so because I loved you so."
Time does all sorts to a human being but I don't see any reconciliation in our future. And, even if there was, there'd be no substance in it.
I have thought about it though.
I'm not interested in apologies, but if any sort of relationship were to be possible, I'd need to know the answers to all of the "why" questions I have .
I had a NMO against me, reduced to undertaking on no findings or admissions, applied for to obtain legal aid. I was stopped seeing my children by a hostile ex. Went through the CAO process and was given a spends time with order. Eighteen months on we have a civil relationship but only ever discuss the children. We have unwritten boundaries not to involve ourselves in each other's lives. It is working amicably and although I could never trust her again after what she put me through we do tolerate each other and can be completely friendly and natural around the children and it feels genuine. It took a little time but it's working for the kids and no matter what's gone on they are all that matter. I know there was no truth in her allegations and she did it purely for the upper hand and financial reasons and my way of proving this to everyone is to continue to be a nice guy and good dad and never ever rise to any bait. I would never expect an apology and have come to terms with that, she would never on this earth admit to being wrong.....but we carry on. There is hope.
I think civil is the word. I didn't think I could ever bear having anything to do with my ex again after what she put me, my partner and my son through - not to mention abusive emails. But - after my final order I was told it was important to my son to be able to keep things civil and amicable and strangely I found once the dust had settled and I had the shared care order, I found I was willing to be amicable and draw a line under things and offered the olive branch and attempted that. I was met with more abuse and sheer hatred.
We had a pretty rocky 2 to 3 years after our separation. Which cumulinated in a court order 2 years and 9 months after the separation itself.
I have the kids every other weekend. Not as much as I'd like but it did at least allow for stability and for everyone to get on with their lives and most importantly it meant the kids weren't the centre of things they shouldn't be.
With the ex we are civil as per the word used above. We've had the court order three years now and there's little drama, certainly compared to the time prior to the order.
There was one stunt she tried to pull but we managed to get past that as thankfully the support worker realised she didn't really have a case. Although it is staggering how they still believe the mother (schools and support workers etc).
To answer the question though, I would never trust her again. Always a bit mindful that what she is telling me isn't the truth or merely a version of the truth. We can do parents evenings together and be civil at events like sports day.
My younger kids will be at comprehensive or the equivalent in a couple of years and thankfully from that point I imagine there will be very little cross over as the parent evenings are something like once a year.
If she apologised and I could see genuine intent for say a 6 to 12 month period I may be persuaded to think she's finally put it behind her. But that won't happen as ultimately she can't see any wrong in what she's done. I realise this is a bit sexist but there is truth that some women don't feel a need to take accountability as their 'story' justifies the actions (just look at other parenting sites and the reactions based merely on gender).
The good thing though is should there be big events in the future like weddings etc I think it would all be fine as the relationship is civil enough that's its not going to spoil over on the day etc.
I have the kids every other weekend. Not as much as I'd like but it did at least allow for stability and for everyone to get on with their lives and most importantly it meant the kids weren't the centre of things they shouldn't be.
With the ex we are civil as per the word used above. We've had the court order three years now and there's little drama, certainly compared to the time prior to the order.
There was one stunt she tried to pull but we managed to get past that as thankfully the support worker realised she didn't really have a case. Although it is staggering how they still believe the mother (schools and support workers etc).
To answer the question though, I would never trust her again. Always a bit mindful that what she is telling me isn't the truth or merely a version of the truth. We can do parents evenings together and be civil at events like sports day.
My younger kids will be at comprehensive or the equivalent in a couple of years and thankfully from that point I imagine there will be very little cross over as the parent evenings are something like once a year.
If she apologised and I could see genuine intent for say a 6 to 12 month period I may be persuaded to think she's finally put it behind her. But that won't happen as ultimately she can't see any wrong in what she's done. I realise this is a bit sexist but there is truth that some women don't feel a need to take accountability as their 'story' justifies the actions (just look at other parenting sites and the reactions based merely on gender).
The good thing though is should there be big events in the future like weddings etc I think it would all be fine as the relationship is civil enough that's its not going to spoil over on the day etc.
I think what you're describing is where all of us want to find ourselves eventually, in our own respective situations. But the key thing is that the court actively encourages cooperation and co-parenting. And while time and space may well end up working wonders for some, there's still no excuse for courts flat issuing one year nmos like they were a parking ticket fine, I don't think I have words to describe such a thing really..
Totally agree, the stress and bad feeling caused by the Courts issuing these NMOs without any evidence is abhorrent. All a woman needs to say is 'im scared' and what is even worse is legal aid lawyers encourage it to get the business from these women. I mean my ex's statement for her NMO application even said she was applying for NMO as I had said I was applying for a CAO and she was still given one ex-parte which makes me believe the Judge didn't even read it. It is a crazy unfair biased system we are fighting that claims to do what's in the best interest of the children.
Oh yes, that's the "rude awakening" part! But here I was thinking more about the NMO coming down like a tonne of bricks, effectively barring you from family life for a whole year, with no possibility for getting even a tiny window open for necessary communication with the partner, just to exercise some basic parental rights and duties towards your children. Why must it last for a whole year, I still don't get that part? And while it is good a judge eventually encourages separated couples to learn to cooperate, but after a whole single year and more of abrupt enforced rupture in communication, most if not all trust on both sides is instantly lost because of it, like a wedge sledge hammered down, driving you both apart. It completely disincentivises normalisation of relations, yet that's what the court nonetheless expects as the final outcome!
It all depends on what the other person is like.
If you're willing to compromise and let bygones be bygones, it's pointless if the other side won't budge.
Some people become so entrenched in their deluded perception of their ex they never change that mindset.
I truly believe my partners ex is insane. The way she manipulates and changes tact isn't normal. She'll insist on one point and within a short time frame change and say the complete opposite. And I don't even think she does it consciously. There's no reasoning with her.
If you're willing to compromise and let bygones be bygones, it's pointless if the other side won't budge.
Some people become so entrenched in their deluded perception of their ex they never change that mindset.
I truly believe my partners ex is insane. The way she manipulates and changes tact isn't normal. She'll insist on one point and within a short time frame change and say the complete opposite. And I don't even think she does it consciously. There's no reasoning with her.
@AmIAStepMumNow I hope the weekend goes OK 
The journey ive been on so far, ex not complying with the courts financially, CAO is yet to be determined, the hint of PA and all the allegations that were NFA'd, I don't think I could ever have a civil relationship for one she will hold the grudge of which all of this is of her own making and 2 I'm only interested in building with my son,he's in high school now so he has his own mind but at the moment I feel he's been encouraged ,manipulated not to have any contact, it's been 3 months since I last saw him and only twice since last may, for me that's the important thing, i don't care what happens to ex, she will move on but if she's happy then that's fine, unfortunately the same view will not be replicated and as said would like to see me rot.
I have thought about future,son marrying g one day hopefully and all the possible confrontations thay may come that day,however I would be respectful cos as much as I could trust myself that day the same many be said of ex, it's sad and it gets to me, I miss my lad so much and love him to the moon and back, but fir niw I'm trying everything and in the future I can safely say I tried, I never left him.
I have thought about future,son marrying g one day hopefully and all the possible confrontations thay may come that day,however I would be respectful cos as much as I could trust myself that day the same many be said of ex, it's sad and it gets to me, I miss my lad so much and love him to the moon and back, but fir niw I'm trying everything and in the future I can safely say I tried, I never left him.