Wrong thread sorry.@AmIAStepMumNow I hope the weekend goes OK
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Relationship with EX
- Thread starter Oneofmany
- Start date
Not knowing what they have been told or what they think is the reason they cant see you just destroys me. Not wanting or being able to ask as not wanting to put them in that position. I wonder if the ex's understand the full impact of their actions and the deep wounds they inflict
I would just aim for a business like relationship, my ex can never be trusted and is inherently narcissistic and dishonest, and that will never change. I would not spend a minute in her company without a 3rd party to verify.
Yes it's an awful situation.
To the target parent it's so bliming obvious what's going on but there's very little you can say or do. It's like the kids are in a cult.
I don't think alienators are aware of the harm as they're only bothered about their needs being met.
That's exactly how I descibed the ex and her family to my solicitor and barrister, they are so enclosed and blinkered and still now I can't fathom why one of them do t just say, his dad lo es him and was always there for him so just let it go and allow the relationship to form again, it can only be beneficial
I think from what you say about your partner's situation, it certainly appears to be the case that jealousy is a prime motivator for her actions. In other cases like mine (and by the sound of it 18city's too), the trigger is simply a desire to force end a relationship the other side feels isn't working anymore, yet they don't have an easy way out so they start to be ever more hostile, abusive and making threats etc. It is good we can all discuss this here because it allows us among other things to try and map out similar situations and with it possibly identify patterns of determining behavior which will enable more men in particular to be able to get the right advice for action before things escalate to a level we here have unfortunately found ourselves in, one way or another. Lately I have come across more stories of couples I personally know, who are still together but whose relationship was definitely on the rocks because of the effects of the COVID lockdowns. In fact I would go as far as to say that this is either a direct or indirect cause for a great many of us here on this forum, who found ourselves out of our homes either during or after the lockdowns were lifted.
Unfortunately I think it's deeper rooted than that. I think it stems from her childhood and she appears to have a narcissistic personality disorder. My partner moving on created a narcissistic injury and rage.
If it was simply jealousy I feel she would have moved on by now. They split up almost 9 years ago and my partner said she was extremely difficult to live with as she was a control freak and had to dictate everything. Especially with the kids.
you have to accept, that alienators rarely change - they are aware of what they are doing and when found out, simply move to more subtle strategies. The only thing you can do, is to focus your attention on the children - make them aware that they dont have to choose sides and that none of it is their fault. As they get older, they will make their own mind up anyway.
I'm not speaking from experience here. My ex's alienating behaviour is so extreme, it was flagged by Cafcass and court without any need to bring it myself. It will never stop, but I simply have to work with that knowledge.
I would never trust my ex. All communication is done through a parenting app. Any messages are to the point and business like. I had it ordered that a third party collects and returns my daughter when she comes to spend time at my home abroad. I collect my daughter from school and drop her off at the top of the driveway when my contact is in the UK. I have not said one word to my ex in over 2 years and that's how it's staying.
This sounds exactly like my ex. Completely controlling of everything, I couldn't even buy a coffee without being questioned why. The reason they need to control everything is due to huge insecurities. Unfortunately in my case the whole family are this way and they live in a very insular community so there is literally no one to say hey, this is not right. The narrative is reinforced by everyone they are in contact with. If it isn't then the person on the receiving end gets the full on narcissistic rage, as the Cafcass officer found out in my case. In her position statement for the final hearing she attacked me, Cafcass, my barrister and the court. Everyone failed to see what a master manipulator I was. Apparently I was only wanting to spend time with my daughter because of my own selfish needs. I'm still being selfish over 2 years later
The strange, curious thing... none of us saw it coming when we started a relationship with them....This sounds exactly like my ex. Completely controlling of everything, I couldn't even buy a coffee without being questioned why. The reason they need to control everything is due to huge insecurities. Unfortunately in my case the whole family are this way and they live in a very insular community so there is literally no one to say hey, this is not right. The narrative is reinforced by everyone they are in contact with. If it isn't then the person on the receiving end gets the full on narcissistic rage, as the Cafcass officer found out in my case. In her position statement for the final hearing she attacked me, Cafcass, my barrister and the court. Everyone failed to see what a master manipulator I was. Apparently I was only wanting to spend time with my daughter because of my own selfish needs. I'm still being selfish over 2 years later
It's called gaslighting. You "think" something is off but then doubt yourself. When the shit hits the fan the mask slips...
One question that escapes all this, has anyone experienced where the ex has Initiated PA along with the family, and this has had such an adverse impact that your child/children flatly do not want to see you? How do you handle that emotionally and mentally, knowing you've done everything you can possibly do and the door is shut firmly, is there a hope that your child/children will come back in time? The ex has stamped their truth yet yours remains unheard.
Me unfortunately. I've not seen my son for 4 years and my eldest daughter for 2 years. My youngest is currently impervious to the alienation, I truly hope that never changes as it would be devastating.
My ex and her family and even friends are all part of the alienation. It also goes much further, they got the school on board with it, social services, Action 4 Children and probably many more people. I couldn't handle it emotionally, it took it's toll on my mental health and my relationship with my wife. I couldn't sleep, was constantly distressed and my ex used this against me time and time again. I truly believe she would have danced on my grave if I died.
Fortunately my wife was incredibly supportive of me and stuck by me through some very low times. I also accepted that my mental health needed urgent care and was fortunate to find a superb Psychologist who has helped me get back to normal. I still have sessions now and will do so for a very long time.
I expect they were charming at the start?
There always has to be some initial attraction. The problematic behaviour may not manifest until there is a trigger. Controlling behaviour is usually triggered by a need to get something or the need to keep hold of something. I suspect the two are intertwined with an alienator, they need kids to inflate their egos and self worth so cannot lose them under any circumstances. Due to this desire they do not care about the harm and abuse inflicted on all involved.
Your story and journey sounds very similar to my partners.. but I like your advice about picking up your child from the end of the driveway and how you have managed to avoid any direct contact with Ex in 2 years! that is impressive.
Regarding your comment about a brilliant Psychologist you found.. Would you be able to share any contacts details for him/her?
My partner is struggling at the moment and we are in the middle of CAO and Financial matters. Fortunately he does have regular contact with daughter - but trying to balance preserving that with wanting to run to the hills as Ex is so difficult to interact with, makes for a bumpy ride.
I know he would benefit from a Psychologist... (eg NOT a therapist or Counsellor.. he needs someone more academic and process driven)
TIA
I messaged you directly
