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Opened negotiations.

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Kyle23

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My wife kicked me out house and she is seeing a solicitor in 1 week and half. By then I will not have seen daughter for 2 weeks. Daughter is almost 2.

We lived together I saw my daughter everyday. Daughter slept in bed with me I got her up gave her breakfast. I’d sleep beside her lunchtime as well for her nap wake give her lunch and mind her afternoon. I work part time few hours a day so this worked. Wife works full time needed a proper sleep in spare bedroom.

She is claiming I am a danger to child. I gave daughter raw milk. I have explained why in this thread https://dadswithkids.co.uk/threads/help-please-tricky-one.1818/

My solicitor has got the ball rolling by sending a letter to open up child care negotiations and propose an amicable solution. It was a neutral letter that did not propose anything. And let her take the lead.

I am living with my mums. There are spare rooms I can even make one for daughter. I have the means to take care of daughter and family support as well.

I would like to apply for 50/50 child care and joint custody. I understand I may get investigated by child services and will need to convince I’m safe. So it will need to be gradual.

My question is. Should I just wait for now and see what she comes back with. Or propose a gradual 50/50 split over 3 months building up to it.

I will need to apologise and convince her I will not give daughter raw milk again which I won’t.

Question 2. If negotiations fail I will need to apply for a court custody correct? Do I explain the situation to judge?

Overall my understanding is I need to demonstrate that what I want is in the best interest of my child’s interests.

I’m trying to read and read to prepare as much I can. Apologies this is all new to me.
 
Kyle23 said:
My wife kicked me out house and she is seeing a solicitor in 1 week and half. By then I will not have seen daughter for 2 weeks. Daughter is almost 2.

We lived together I saw my daughter everyday. Daughter slept in bed with me I got her up gave her breakfast. I’d sleep beside her lunchtime as well for her nap wake give her lunch and mind her afternoon. I work part time few hours a day so this worked. Wife works full time needed a proper sleep in spare bedroom.

She is claiming I am a danger to child. I gave daughter raw milk. I have explained why in this thread https://dadswithkids.co.uk/threads/help-please-tricky-one.1818/

My solicitor has got the ball rolling by sending a letter to open up child care negotiations and propose an amicable solution. It was a neutral letter that did not propose anything. And let her take the lead.

I am living with my mums. There are spare rooms I can even make one for daughter. I have the means to take care of daughter and family support as well.

I would like to apply for 50/50 child care and joint custody. I understand I may get investigated by child services and will need to convince I’m safe. So it will need to be gradual.

My question is. Should I just wait for now and see what she comes back with. Or propose a gradual 50/50 split over 3 months building up to it.

I will need to apologise and convince her I will not give daughter raw milk again which I won’t.

Question 2. If negotiations fail I will need to apply for a court custody correct? Do I explain the situation to judge?

Overall my understanding is I need to demonstrate that what I want is in the best interest of my child’s interests.

I’m trying to read and read to prepare as much I can. Apologies this is all new to me.
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Try the Mediation first and hopefully your wife will agree its the best interest of the child to see both parents.

Personally I would ask for 50/50 because even if she gives you less to begin with least you have asked to share the care half way for your child. And you also only recently moved out so its not been a case where your daughter has not spent time with you recently. Considering her age 50/50 probs wont be agreed.

I think that she is accusing you of abuse over the Pasteurised milk. I hope her Solicitor won't try to presue her to involve social services and this ending up in a court case.

Let us know how the Mediation goes. In the mean time keep a diary of events. Always ensure you have yourself covered. Keep any text messages etc too incase a court case is pending. Hopefully not.

Best of Luck
 
Kyle23 said:
I will need to apologise and convince her I will not give daughter raw milk again which I won’t.
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Haven't you apologised and reassured yet?

I'd assumed you did this when you told her about the raw milk. Although I can see your wife/ex wife might be overreacting and perhaps hypocritical. I think she is justified in being concerned about what you have done.

There is no need to demonise yourself or give up the good intentions which motivated you. I would get started on taking responsibility though.
 
Isn't this the scenario where the MIL was feeding her pure vegan foods and she lost so much weight daughter was hospitalised?

And then she gained weight after milk was reintroduced but then got ill from it?

Seems almost like the ex is trying to cover up what happened previously by shifting the blame onto your actions to distract from their sides.
 
I went round to see daughter on Monday. On Tuesday she text me she has been advised to cease contact with me and not let me see daughter.

My wife was courteous enough to drop all my belongings off on Wednesday. I’m living at my mums.

My wife is seeing her solicitor in a week and half so it will be a long wait.

I spoke to solicitor he has sent a letter to her asking to open up negotiations.

He told me there will absolutely be a child service investigation. If they didn’t they could be done for negligence.

My friend told me a similar thing happened to him when he divorced. His wife accused him of smoking weed and being a danger. It took 6 months before he saw child services. A year until he got 50/50 access.

It is now Saturday.
Right now all I can is wait to see what wife proposes?
 
Resolute said:
Haven't you apologised and reassured yet?

I'd assumed you did this when you told her about the raw milk. Although I can see your wife/ex wife might be overreacting and perhaps hypocritical. I think she is justified in being concerned about what you have done.

There is no need to demonise yourself or give up the good intentions which motivated you. I would get started on taking responsibility though.
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yes I have but I’m not in contact anymore now. Just in limbo
 
Pj66 said:
Isn't this the scenario where the MIL was feeding her pure vegan foods and she lost so much weight daughter was hospitalised?

And then she gained weight after milk was reintroduced but then got ill from it?

Seems almost like the ex is trying to cover up what happened previously by shifting the blame onto your actions to distract from their sides.
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She has raw milk for 3 1/2 months. Everyone in house got ill. I don’t think it was the raw milk.
 
I can’t get in the house atm. In Northern Ireland all babies have a red book. Inside is her poor weight growth chart and all hospital appointments. If I go round in future I could sneakily take it and photocopy everything. But if I go that route it will start a war.

My daughter was out on weight gain drinks very early on. So that collaborate my story.

SHe dropped 2 weight percentiles which made child services very nervous about her health.

Once I put her on raw milk and I was also giving her steak and honey 3x a day in just 2 months she almost completely jumped back up her original weight percentile. Something we failed to achieve in over a year.

I’m still not sure what route my wife will take once she sees her legal council.
 
Kyle23 said:
I can’t get in the house atm. In Northern Ireland all babies have a red book. Inside is her poor weight growth chart and all hospital appointments. If I go round in future I could sneakily take it and photocopy everything. But if I go that route it will start a war.

My daughter was out on weight gain drinks very early on. So that collaborate my story.

SHe dropped 2 weight percentiles which made child services very nervous about her health.

Once I put her on raw milk and I was also giving her steak and honey 3x a day in just 2 months she almost completely jumped back up her original weight percentile. Something we failed to achieve in over a year.

I’m still not sure what route my wife will take once she sees her legal council.
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The red book is used in England as well. If you get medical records it will cover what you need independent of the book.

Do you mean dropped to the 2nd percentile? i.e. lower weight than 98 of 100 kids the same age.

I assume that would cause SS concern. Dropping 2 percentiles, e.g. 59th to 57th, would be fairly trivial I think.

P.s. The result of legal advice to your wife is likely to be allegations against you and legal action. As far as I see it, this can be relied upon. It is how family law professionals earn a crust.
 
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Can you do a subject access report in NI? ie find out what is in social services records. That could be useful evidence. Also you should have PR if you were married and could request your daughter's medical records from her Doctor's surgery.

There is a slight issue with that though. Doctors are allowed to decline "full medical history". However they are obliged to provide details of diagnosis and treatment if you ask specifically. So the way to approach that is write a formal letter to the GP surgery (there's a template in Resources on here) explaining who you are offering to provide any ID (if they don't already know you) and asking for any diagnoses or treatment for your daughter. You could say you were aware she was under the (health visitor?) for a while due to low weight which is why social services became involved, and you'd be grateful for any information the GP can give you about your daughter's health. You're aware also, she was recently diagnosed with Campylobacter, along with the entire family who also had it, and could he furnish any info from the cultures as to the cause of that.

You could say that unfortunately you and your wife have now separated and it's important there is agreement over your daughter's health needs ongoing.

Offer to come in and meet to discuss with them if they prefer.

I did something similar and got a very nice letter back giving me all the info I needed. But if you just say "please provide my daughter's medical records, they can refuse (and these days it's a pretty useless computer print out anyway with very little detail on).

If they do say yes come in and discuss you can tell them what you told us and say you realise that maybe wasn't a good idea now but you were so worried about her condition and you think something else must have caused the campylobacter as the entire family had it. See what they say. They may say - well it's a possible cause and it's very contagious ............ But getting the GP onside might be helpful later.
 
Thank you Ash that was very helpful.

For percentiles. My daughter started on the 9th initially went up to 11th gradually over first 6 months then started to drop as we weened her onto food down to 2nd then to 0.4 by about 18 months. Obviously something was wrong with her diet.

Update

A few days ago my ex text me saying her solicitor has said my solicitor should send suggested child care arrangements. I’ve held off for time being.

We met up today (Sunday) after 6 days. we went for a walk over park and I saw my daughter. I might see her this Wednesday. So I have some access but it’s likely an hour here an hour there. It’s only been 2 weeks since I got thrown out so I’m trying to be patient.

I asked my wife to gauge her, where she’d like this all go in terms of me seeing my daughter long term. She was very vague. So I floated the idea I’d eventually like to aim for 50/50 gradually building up to it. Over 6-12 months. She panicked a bit.

She sort of threatened me, said to me child services have backed off and aren’t investigating me but only because I moved out the house and I’m not unsupervised with my daughter.

Currently have some access to seeing daughter. But this arrangement is unworkable long term. Seeing her a bit here a bit there only when she says so. I can’t build a bond with my daughter. I’ll be more like a grandad who sees her occasionally.

I’d like to get daughter x amount of days a week on a consistent basis so I can spent quality time with her and be a proper father and build a bond.

Where do I go from here?
 
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