Guest viewing is limited

Now being threatened ex will get legal advice

S

StressedDad

New member
Member
Another issue... again!

So contact order was revised and all sorted, ex gets some extra time on a friday to spend quality time with my child and a couple of additional weekends in the year as I get every weekend.

Now, birthday parties has become an issue - I said I'm happy to take our child to some, but with how things have been it's not been possible due to a number of reasons and in part because I'm pretty sure I've been bad mouthed to all the other parents and I suffer from quite bad anxiety around that, but that's just a small part.

I offered to swap a day so they could go to the party which was fine; I also suggested for others that if a party is at weekend then they could go but we'd swap the few hours to another day, this was fine but then the time due was offered on a day I'm working with less than 2 days notice so just isn't possible, I was then offered the time back in 6 months (summer) not sure why when Easter holidays are first but that's not even mentioned.

I'd also previously suggested an evening during the week as another example, but this is a no because of their work commitments and nursery timings so the time available is tight etc, they've also apparently already taken a lot of time off work already so can't take more - I don't get told anything but certain my child isnt in nursery on a Friday but still, no word or suggestion... only me that has to make all the alternative offers; they also mention 'what happens for school trips' yet havent told me what school my child will be going to or given me any information about that.

I'm now being threatened if I don't do something then they'll have to get legal advice as the situation needs to be sorted but it just appears I've to bend to their committments, no interest in my work commitments or other plans; when contact order was being redone I even offered every other weekend if I got some mid week time but that was refused by them as well.

Am I being unreasonable? Will a judge really say I have to go to all these parties when I've suggested other alternatives where I can't manage?

I'm not trying to be deliberately difficult but I feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed as I always have to make concessions or be flexible and they are never in return so I've had enough - but as soon as I'm like that then it's used against me
 
Unfortunately, the person who has the kid most of the time is in a more powerful position. The other parent will have to be very flexible and learn to handle being walked all over. Don't worry, threats of court action lose their potency after the first half a dozen or so 😁.

Assuming you do not live a massive distance from mum, I think it would be a good idea to go to some of the parties. It is hard knowing the nonsense your ex is likely telling other parents. I really struggled at first, but it gets easier as familiarity builds with other parents. You might find another dad in the same boat.

The replacement for lost time with your child should be agreed in writing as part of the arrangement for kid to go to party. Then if mum messes you about you can refuse future weekend flexibility for her.

It is not a big issue if some parties are missed, but I think you'd be vulnerable if kid misses out on all parties because of you.
 
Yeah totally get that - just very frustrating!

Yes I've agreed to one or two but I only get 2 days with my child and I make plans including her interacting with other kids.

To be fair, mum has messed me about a lot in the past which is why I'm so apprehensive about being as flexible as I have been in the past - it's basically all on her terms and nobody elses, if I ask for something then its a flat out no or 'my responsibility' but when she asks I'm meant to bend over backwards.

It's part of why the contact order is in place and I'm seriously considering just sticking to that to the letter given the hassle and then she'd obviously see how restrictive things can be - I don't want to do that and I'm very easy going but I've given every opportunity of alternatives etc but there is always some excuse other than the 'just you do it cos I need you to' mentality from the ex

If she gets her solicitor to send a letter; can I then just have it noted down all the times I've been flexible to help her so it's clear that I'm not just saying no as such?

A judge isn't going to restrict my contact based on a couple of parties are they, that's basically what she's trying to get me to panic about now?
 
If a solicitor sends a letter, I would just state your position clearly. You take your child to some of the parties, but this has to work around other commitments. If mum feels a particular party is important, you are open to variation so she can take the child in your place. Any such variation must include time in lieu. Time in lieu should be to your convenience and close to the time child missed with their father.

I would not bother presenting evidence or arguing over what happened in the past with a solicitor.

Of course missing a couple of parties is not a major thing, you just need to make sure it cannot be presented as more than that.

Every weekend is a good deal compared to what a court would likely order, might be necessary to suck up some of mum's nonsense.
 
It's part of why the contact order is in place and I'm seriously considering just sticking to that to the letter
Click to expand...
That is why you have the court order. I remember you mentioning the party issue. You gave her a couple of options for swaps. The rule of thumb is - if a change is not agreed then it reverts to the court ordered arrangements. And you politely inform of her of that.

That you offered x and y and they were not agreed, therefore the arrangements remain as per the court order unless a change is agreed by both.

Don't let her get you this stressed. I think you need to minimise communication - only communicate briefly and formally about any changes and otherwise just ignore her and follow the court order. If too many changes are made she can argue the court order is null and void because this changed and wasn't agreed.

What is the situation now re the party that week-end? She didn't want to use one of her extra week-ends right? And she didn't want to swap a day. She is talking down to you saying - I'm doing this and you can have a couple of hours back in the summer (which I doubt very much you will get).

The court order protects you from this condescending nonsense.

Ignore her threats of solicitors letters - just repeat what you said before - which is reasonable. That you offered it as one of her extra week-ends and you offered to swap a day, and if neither are agreeable then the arrangements revert to those in the court order. You have already said you're happy to take your daughter to the party if she will provide the contact details and you will arrange this yourself.

And don't give a monkey's uncle about what your ex has said to other parents - they can make their own opinions when they see you with your daughter. The party is for the kids.

If it's causing this much hassle then you may need to be firm and say - if nothing is agreed as I proposed and you are making the arrangements for me to take our daughter to the party, then on this occasion she will need to miss the party. If no change is agreed then the arrangements revert to those in the court order.

Honestly I think you need to break free from your ex being the boss. You have a court order - both sides need to follow it. Just ignore your ex. And no reason why you can't be a bit proactive, find out whose party it is and contact them yourselves.
 
She's just bullying you. But you have some power now. You have a court order. Ignore, ignore, ignore. And if you get a solicitor's letter, don't stress - it's just blather. She just hates not controlling everything.
 
Yeah - I offered a swap in days, also to take my child to the party and suggested I have her an evening in the week for dinner, all refused... well almost, she left and left the me taking my child to the party until the last minute when I've already made other plans and she wouldnt let me get in touch with the parents, she had to do it all, again a control thing I imagine.

I did get a list of party dates... (about 9 or 10 all at the weekend) expecting me to take to all or a large proportion; whilst I'm not averse I do think that's excessive, my child hasnt mentioned any parties to me and she most definitely would if she wanted to go but I also got threatened with 'our child needs to socialise with children'... emm is she not at nursery daily (yes) and she also socialises with her cousins and extended family with me.

Yeah she also didn't want to use one of her extra weekends for the party, and like you say it'll be unlikely i get the hours back in summer due to being in no way able to trust her due to continued behavioural issues and come on... summer is 6 months away, easter holidays are first but that wasnt considered!

I've not responded to the recent message with legal advice threats or guilt tripping and mentioning 'what happens when there are school trips' as like you say, I don't need the hassle or continued stress and if she cant be reasonable/flexible and agree then it reverts to court order. Also, I've not even been told anything about school and she throws in the school trip guilt!!

Absolutely agree Ash, definitely need a break from it - it's just non stop, I want to be flexible but then I get taken advantage of and she then turns evil if I try to stand my ground against it so going to go with your advice on it and step back as it's all on her terms or nothing... no interest in our child or my work commitments etc etc

I do think she might try to push it back to court (literally just had the order redone a couple of months ago!!) to try and get more time because of parties etc which is what I'm nervous about when I've already conceded quite a bit to her

Again I'm extremely grateful for all the help/guidance received from yourself and resolute and anyone else I may have forgotten
 
Sorry, and I forgot to add.... she claims I'm an abuser and causes her anxiety so has to be her partner doing drop offs/ contact with to agree things... yet as soon as I stand my ground and it isn't going her way she's more than happy to message me directly having a go, demanding/guilt tripping or threatening me with legal action
 
'what happens when there are school trips
Click to expand...
Well the child is at school for school trips! They;re done during the school day. Except when they get a bit older and it might be a week-end away or even a week away - but that's a bridge to cross when it happens. It's just pressuring you - a party isn't the same thing - and she's just, as you say, trying to guilt trip. Because you're not stopping your daughter going to a party - she is - by being so awkward.

This is why it's important to have these brief, polite, formal messages showing you tried to make a reasonable arrangement and she wouldn't accept it. So if she did go to court, you can prove you're not what she says. The reality is she should have either swapped a day or let you take your daughter to the party.

I expect any Solicitor's letter will just be telling you you should do xyz - ie bullying for ex. You can ignore it. Or you can reply briefly, politely and formally stating - I offered a number of alternatives, including swapping a day and was quite happy to take my daughter to the party, but your client was obstructive. Therefore the arrangements remained as per the court order. There is no reason I should not take my child to a childrens party when she is in my care. I was also happy for the Mother to swap a day if she wanted to take her. So I am at a loss to see why this situation could not have been resolved reasonably by your client.

If you feel like it!
 
Thanks Ash - be prepared for me panicking and asking for help if she tries to push it to court again to get the order changed due to all of this; hopefully she won't but then I guess I can say if she wanted alternate weekends then I should be getting 1 or 2 overnights during the week with picking up from school?
 
My ex tried putting herself between me and the other parents on party invites. Nonsense like "let me know if you will be going by 12:00 on Friday so I can rsvp". I just refused to play the game. I always get the invitation from her and deal with the other parent directly. It is possible to do this without being at all confrontational. If mum decides she is not willing to share invitations with you so you can arrange things, it is her obstructing the process.

It is remarkable how a victim that needs protection from their ex is not at all intimidated by throwing themselves in the middle on stuff like this.

It seems like you are cut out of what is happening at the nursery. I would be looking to get involved there. There should be some kind of app or other communication tool that you can use to have a part in what is going on. It is very hard feeling like they will all see you as a monster/abuser. But showing unconditional interest in the child, and moving very gently to involve yourself, really works given some time. All frustration must be totally masked.

If you are at risk of attack on the weekends, positioning yourself as a viable option for weeknights is important. Maybe the party switch could be to give up a weekend overnight for a weekday overnight? Saturday party: you give up the Friday night and pick up from party. Sunday party: you drop back to mum before bed on Saturday. In either case you get a weeknight from nursery pick-up to drop-off the following week. She'll probably resist this, but that is just more evidence she is the problem.

If there is no barrier/excuse she can put up around weeknights with you, alternate weekends should come with a midweek night every week.
 
1) A solicitor can threaten all they like. There is an order in place. The solicitor has 0 say on how you act on that order.

2) It may work in your favour going to these parties and letting the other parents get to know you. They can form their own opinions about you. My partners ex use to slag him off to the parents at the school gates. A few of them got to know my partner themselves and we now call them friends. One even said she was scared of my partner after what his ex told her. Now she thinks he's a great bloke.

3) I think all these women say no to the dads reasonable requests. Sometimes you have to grin and bear it for the kids sakes. It won't go on forever. Also the kids will remember it was dad taking them to see their friends and having fun.
 
Unfortunately we have the opposite problem. Ex partner refuses to let us know details of parties tells the other parents children can't go because at dad's. Tried asking but she refuses to share details. The one time we managed to arrange with a friends parent via social media...ex partner also turned up at the party.

I would definitely try and go to parties with child if you can.

Assuming no one knows if the school could pass invitations onto us as well? I am assuming not as not really the schools responsibility but it's the children that are missing out 😔

Sorry to jump on your post!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ash
This was part of the issue as well - she wouldnt tell me who the parents of the child were so I could get in touch direct.

In the end I said I will try and take my child if I had plenty notice and could get in touch with the parents myself... shock no response!

I also ignored the big rant my ex sent trying to guilt me into going to the party even though they left it to last minute and I made other plans plus I gave three different alternative options - I've never felt so good as for the first time she had no control whatsoever over the situation and a slight bonus is that it would have wound her up immensely !!
 
So she actually agreed to you going to the party in the end? Although it would have wound her up it means the child missed the party. Although it does make clear that you need this things resolved quicker in future.
 
Ash said:
So she actually agreed to you going to the party in the end? Although it would have wound her up it means the child missed the party. Although it does make clear that you need this things resolved quicker in future.
Click to expand...
No sorry Ash, it was still a no - what I meant was that I asked if I could get in touch with the parents myself at one point but that was completely ignored, the last message was the guilt trip one when I had previously offered to go but then she changed her mind and I offered it as one of their additional weekends but that was a no and also wasn’t getting the couple of hours back in an evening.. that was apparently going to have to wait until summer to get back

So in the end decided to take your advice and ignore her rant refusing every option and felt a lot better about it - to be fair we went to another event which my child loved!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ash
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top