Not all women are nuts 😀

[Peanut 21]

Not sure if this is in the right section.

Anyway, I just wanted to give some hope to recently separated dads on here who may feel disheartened or disillusioned with women.

As someone who has been with a dad with a nutter ex, for nearly 6 years, there are some of us women who can deal with it and we're sane. My partner may say otherwise lol.

Just because your ex has treated you badly not all women are like that.
There's a few other women on here who have stood by their fellas. Us non nutters exist

 

[MagicJ]

Hey @Peanut 21 , thanks for sharing that perspective!

It can feel hopeless when you are in a situation where you feel there is no control and/or power and you are attacked & separated from your children.
I think you are right, in seeing the examples on the forum, it can feel like this is the norm but perspective is key.

From what I can tell most members do understand perfectly well what you have explicitly stated above.
When trust is eroded though, it can be difficult to build back without people - in this case members of the forum - providing perspective.

So, thanks for sharing, I will add that my Mum, Aunts, Sisters-in-law, Friends Partners, all are very supportive and great role models for our children.
If anything, for me, it's less knowing that I may have a great partner in the future, more how I will overcome any issues of trust that may linger afterwards.

Thanks for posting

 

[Peanut 21]

It's the same when women say "I hate men" after a break up or they've been messed about by a bloke.
I had a boyfriend cheat on me many moons ago and it put me off relationships for a very long time.
But I didn't think all men were bad.

 

[Resolute]

I often reflect on how very similar DWK members' experiences are. It is difficult to believe that we all just happen to have exes who are the same type of crazy. It feels more credible to see it as a set of female behaviours that are both encouraged and rewarded by our family law system. If the boot was on the other foot, I am sure us men would fall into the same behaviours pretty quickly.

After all, this forum is about trying to learn what we can do to be rewarded by the court.

I do not absolve the individuals who act like nutters. They still hold responsibility for what they do. I am only saying it does not happen in a vacuum.

 

[MagicJ]

That's a very valid and fair point that actually applies to all situations - if you don't deal with the underlying problem the symptoms just keep reappearing.

Well Said @Resolute

 

[Bud21]

Months after our separation I'm still massively struggling that someone I thought I knew so well, completely changed. There was no foul play from my side, but she seems intent on doing all she can to belittle me. I just can't understand that mentality - sure, fall out of love with someone but we shared many years together through all the ups and downs so why the need to make things more hurtful than they already are? The fact she is now apparently at ease with undoing so many of the shared ideas we had on the parenting side really worries me for the future.

 

[winger]

Thanks for sharing Peanut
One thing I've thought of is, how on earth do you explain what happened.

"My ex got me arrested saying I was controlling and coercive".

I worry that may put some women off, they may think what, why? Etc. Not understanding that it's a strategy, and it's happening everywhere.

If anyone has gone through that, how did you talk about it, how did it go? Peanut how did you feel when your partner told you?

 

[Ash]

And this is partly why they do it. Sometimes it's sheer revenge and hatred. To not only try and keep your kids away so they can have a nice life without you in the picture, but to try and make sure no other woman would be interested in you.

I think you'd just explain that your ex was hostile towards you seeing the kids so made false allegations to the police - which were dismissed because there was no truth in them and the court made an order which meant there were no issues with you.

 

[Resolute]

When I meet new people, or speak with people I've know a long time but am not close to, I do not give them details. Very general statements are usually plenty. I have slipped up once or twice, it is not good. Abuse of women and children is a topic people are prone to make snap judgments about.

 

[Peanut 21]

Thanks for sharing Peanut
One thing I've thought of is, how on earth do you explain what happened.

"My ex got me arrested saying I was controlling and coercive".

I worry that may put some women off, they may think what, why? Etc. Not understanding that it's a strategy, and it's happening everywhere.

If anyone has gone through that, how did you talk about it, how did it go? Peanut how did you feel when your partner told you?

In my case the allegations were made after I met my partner and been with him a year.
They'd been co-parenting (but in hindsight was her still controlling the situation) for 3 years. Then she finds out about me and she suddenly said my partner had been abusive.
I've got enough of my own senses to work out her game. I'd known my partner for a year (now almost 6) and he's never shown any sign of abuse.

The right person would believe you and listen to your story.
Another thing being female, we've experienced nasty women ourselves. Be it school bullies or bitchy colleagues. So we know how horrible other women can be.

 

[Merlin836]

Although thinking about getting into another relationship is something I feel like I'll never do im sure I may in the very distant future .
I know all women aren't nutters , some are some are not and that applies to men too .

I will admit though I doubt I'll ever be able to as open with a women should I ever go out with one again because I'll always be thinking 'what if In say this or say that it could be twisted in the future , what if I told her about this and that of my past , it could be used against me in the future ' .
I'll always be wary now but who knows it may change .
My ex has accused me of so much including being an alcoholic and I won't lie I liked a drink but it was here and there and never with my daughter and hardly much at all to be fair .
But I won't even be having a drink at Christmas or anytime for the foreseeable future.
I'm off to become a monk on some mountain somewhere .

 

[Roblox]

I think when you go through the kind of stuff that Father's have on this forum you just realise women are no better than men.

We're told women are the fairer sex and bad behaviour is for the most part the preserve of men but the reality is the bad behaviours just present differently.

It seems too difficult a conversation to have so instead of listening its easier to dismiss those men as misogynistic or incels etc.

Feminists such as Ava Evans calling the idea of a Minister for Men misogyny. The mind boggles when you see the suicide rates for men v women.

I will hold my hand up though and say that until I went through my separation and divorce I had no real understanding of how this plays out with the false allegations/narrative etc.

 

[Peanut 21]

I'm off to become a monk on some mountain somewhere .

Sounds appealing. I quite often wish I was on a desert island away from the drama.

 

[Resolute]

I always try to make sure I disassociate myself from statements along the lines of men are this or women are that.

I do not think they do us any favours.

There is so much variation within the 2 groups - 'men' and 'women' - that generalisations are meaningless in the end.

 

[Roblox]

Some of this is about perception.

Up until recent times male/female roles were more defined and was down to our biology.
Wrongly or rightly the traditional family was women nurtured and took care of the home. Men provided and protected.
People knew what was expected of them and didn't know any different.

Now it's all a mess and there's this constant division of male v female, old v young, black v white etc etc.

I think of my parents generation and perhaps I'm looking back with rose tinted glasses but my recollection was that generally the family unit usually stayed together (for better or worse)

Whereas now it's more along the lines of living your best life etc.

I don't think social media platforms help as they send people down a pathway where they only hear views that align with their own. Creating echo Chambers.